NROTC Essay help

[DRegalado]

Hey everyone!
So I'm applying for the NROTC scholarship and I was wondering if you guys can help me out with my essay. Any feedback is welcome and greatly encouraged. Thanks in advance!
Question : Reasons for wanting to become a Naval Officer.

The military is thought to be intimidating, risky, and joining it would be such a strenuous task. This thought often hinders a person’s desire to ever join. However, these characteristics actually encourage me to pursue a career in the Navy.
I wasn’t given the family who lived and breathed the military life; instead I grew up with a family bent on making enough money just to get by. Furthermore, it wasn’t until I became involved with NJROTC my freshman year that I considered the military at all. The initial desire of becoming a Naval Officer first began with the enrollment of this honorable program.
The inherent pursuit of a Navy career was definitely influenced by the numerous experiences I had during my NJROTC life. In NJROTC, I was involved with several activities including events with drill teams, color guard, and staff. With every opportunity I had in the program, I worked alongside my fellow cadets, listened with great intent to the stories of my instructors, and I striven to do the best I could in the program. Throughout NJROTC, I improved mentally, physically, and morally. With my high school years coming to an end, I’ve become familiar with what I really desire to be – a United States Naval Officer.
The sole reason I want to become a Naval Officer is so that I can lead in a professional-working environment and honorably serve my country in the presence of other remarkable people. I enjoyed the experiences I had in NJROTC and I only wish to continue it after high school. I am interested in pursuing a career as a Naval Aviator, a job that calls for only the best of the best. I hope that one day I’ll be able to literally reach past the sky and excel with unparalleled ability. I understand that a rigorous amount of work will be put into becoming an officer, but I am willing to put my best effort in order to succeed. I know I am capable of becoming a Naval Officer because I have the drive to pursue what only others could imagine.

 

[P3 F0]

Re-work para 1-it sounds poorly worded and a bit trite. Enrollment in, not enrollment of. Look up the word inherent. Then remove it. Also remove 'numerous.' If you're going to bring up experiences, then talk about them and how they shaped you, and not generally what you gained out of JROTC. Or talk about what you gained out of JROTC and drop the mention of experiences. And don't confuse influence with something else like origination (you say your pursuit of a naval career was influenced by JROTC, but you earlier indicated it originated because of it). Other nitpicks: you listened with "great intent" - Bad. "I striven" - Bad. You mention you improved "throughout" JROTC--but not because of it or how it contributed to that improvement. Then you go into the "sole" reason you want in, but list three things--leadership, service, career. "Rigorous amount of work" - Bad. "I hope that one day I’ll be able to literally reach past the sky [do you know what "literally means?] and excel with unparalleled ability" - Really bad. Stop trying to use big words.

That'll help the technical aspects. I think the general concept is a bit weak, but I'm probably not the best judge.