NFO / Family questions

[villanelle]

You never have to worry about your family living in dorms or anything like that. In most cases, you'll move to town and pick a place to live, just like any other civilian move. You get a housing allowance based on your location, and you can spend more or less than that, as your needs dictate. Pick an apartment or rental house, and live in it. You would never live in dorms with your family, ever. Rare locations in the military require you to live in military housing if the military housing isn't full, but even then, they are decent places--usually townhouses. Someone else can speak to whether or not they will move your family for every phase of training. (If it is considered a PCS--permanent change of station--they will move your family, but if it is just a temporary assignment, then they won't pay to move your stuff. Your family could still move to your location, but that can get complicated and the military might not pay for the move. It can get complicated, but it's more than you need to worry about right now.)

 

[azguy]

I always heard that the hardest job in the Navy is that of a spouse. I always thought this was BS... Until I got married! While you are out doing the most fun part of your job, she will be a single parent. This isn't meant to discourage you - many, many couples make it work - just something to keep in mind.

Good luck with your application and with your new child!

 

[phrogdriver]

Let's be honest, it is BS. Harder than being a mom in an all-American family in Anytown, USA? Probably. Harder than an actual single mom? No, and she doesn't get public adulation like military families do. Harder than the serviceman? No. Rarely is base housing rocked by an IED. Not trying to be difficult here, but lets not go overboard. Long story short, the military has working hours that are slightly longer than average and one is gone a fair amount during sea tours. That's the deal.

 

[villanelle]

Let's be honest, it is BS. Harder than being a mom in an all-American family in Anytown, USA? Probably. Harder than an actual single mom? No, and she doesn't get public adulation like military families do. Harder than the serviceman? No. Rarely is base housing rocked by an IED. Not trying to be difficult here, but lets not go overboard. Long story short, the military has working hours that are slightly longer than average and one is gone a fair amount during sea tours. That's the deal.

I agree with this. As I said, sometimes it is a PITA, and sometimes it sucks and it is hard. But do I think that my role as a military spouse is harder than what Husband deals with? unequivocally no. Granted, I am not a mom and I'm sure will think that is why I can say this. But I think that is is a gross overstatement, at best, to say that the pouses have it harder.

You will be gone. You will miss things that are important (holidays, kid's births, family member illnesses or deaths, etc.) She will end up living someplace she doesn't like, away from family and old friends. These things are hard, yes. But don't work it up into some huge ordeal, or it will feel like a huge ordeal. It will be fine if you both decide it will be fine, and if she is able to remain adaptable and patient.

 

[wink]

Let's be honest, it is BS. Harder than being a mom in an all-American family in Anytown, USA? Probably. Harder than an actual single mom? No, and she doesn't get public adulation like military families do. Harder than the serviceman? No. Rarely is base housing rocked by an IED. Not trying to be difficult here, but lets not go overboard. Long story short, the military has working hours that are slightly longer than average and one is gone a fair amount during sea tours. That's the deal.

All fair. But to be totally accurate a very small percentage of todays military members come under mortar attack and even fewer an IED. The tip of the spear is still very small.

 

[Brett327]

Mortar attack, ramp strike, getting blown overboard & lost at sea. There are many kinds of mortal peril to contend with while serving, all of which are arguably (and appropriately) within the tip of the spear. I'm not sure that it's important whether someone is putting their lives on the line on a flight deck by launching combat aircraft, or by physical proximity to enemy action - the result is the same if things get ugly.

 

[Dreammariner]

I'm only a reservist, so perhaps I'm not in a position to make these observations, but nonetheless I will.

It seems unfair to try to quantify whose role is more difficult.

The difficulty of a serviceman's job is obvious. The service man often puts himself in an extreme danger. What is expected of him on an average day is often unparallelled in the civilian sector. At the same time, he always has a sense of purpose. In the end, he inevitably has more interesting stories to tell. In a sense, whether intrinsically or extrinsically, he is compensated for his difficulties. The difficulty of a military wife seems more sophisticated.

She gives up her independence and usually her own career aspirations. Her job becomes to infallibly live for and support her husband and family. If the service man dies, he no longer has anything to worry about. It's the wife who takes that risk, she is the one who would have to "clean up".

Sure, we could try to put number on which one is more difficult. On the other hand, I think we can both agree they put up with a lot of ###.

 

[villanelle]

I'm only a reservist, so perhaps I'm not in a position to make these observations, but nonetheless I will.

It seems unfair to try to quantify whose role is more difficult.

The difficulty of a serviceman's job is obvious. The service man often puts himself in an extreme danger. What is expected of him on an average day is often unparallelled in the civilian sector. At the same time, he always has a sense of purpose. In the end, he inevitably has more interesting stories to tell. In a sense, whether intrinsically or extrinsically, he is compensated for his difficulties. The difficulty of a military wife seems more sophisticated.

She gives up her independence and usually her own career aspirations. Her job becomes to infallibly live for and support her husband and family. If the service man dies, he no longer has anything to worry about. It's the wife who takes that risk, she is the one who would have to "clean up".

Sure, we could try to put number on which one is more difficult. On the other hand, I think we can both agree they put up with a lot of ###.

Trying not to get my feathers ruffled, but I have to strongly disagree with the bolded. Even now that I am not working at all (other than some volunteer stuff), by job--my purpose--is most certainly not to live for my husband. That may work wonderfully for some people and some marriages, but it sure as hell wouldn't work for me and it's certainly not a universal truth. There are a lot of things that make up my purpose, and being a good partner is one of them (though to me, even that is far different than "living for my husband"), but it's far more complex and varied than devoting myself to my husband.

You are right though that it doesn't need to be a pissing contest, and the levels of difficulty depend on job, personality, and so many other things. No one side has it harder in all cases.

 

[Dreammariner]

I retract the offending statement. It was poor word choice. Naturally your purpose/meaning of your life isn't dependent on your family. What I meant was the job typically becomes supporting the family back at home. On the other-hand, I really don't know what I'm talking about, so I apologize for any offense.

 

[wink]

Mortar attack, ramp strike, getting blown overboard & lost at sea. There are many kinds of mortal peril to contend with while serving, all of which are arguably (and appropriately) within the tip of the spear. I'm not sure that it's important whether someone is putting their lives on the line on a flight deck by launching combat aircraft, or by physical proximity to enemy action - the result is the same if things get ugly.

Agree. But we get training to deal with those threats. We volunteer and accept the risks. Even thrive on them. And in the end, in most every example you can give me, the service member that beats the risks feels satisfaction and pride. I am sure some spouses feel the same way when they successfully deal with the leaking water heater. But there are no squadron mates to share in it, no attaboy from the skipper and certainly no colorful ribbon for the chest. Sure military families are generally respected for their sacrifice. But it pales compared to the way the public views the military in uniform.

 

[Brett327]

Agree. But we get training to deal with those threats. We volunteer and accept the risks. Even thrive on them. And in the end, in most every example you can give me, the service member that beats the risks feels satisfaction and pride. I am sure some spouses feel the same way when they successfully deal with the leaking water heater. But there are no squadron mates to share in it, no attaboy from the skipper and certainly no colorful ribbon for the chest. Sure military families are generally respected for their sacrifice. But it pales compared to the way the public views the military in uniform.

I think we're in violent agreement. I was talking more about the narrow definition of "tip of the spear" that someone used earlier.

As for the spouses & families... there's no doubt that they play a vital role in the well being and performance of their service-members and they need to be reminded of that and shown due appreciation on a regular basis. FWIW, telling them that they've got the toughest job in the military is half pandering and half condescension.

 

[phrogdriver]

My aim wasn't to start a pity contest. My pet peeve has always been with the "toughest job" crowd. If I hear about the apocryphal "broken water heater" one more time I'll fucking die. Call a goddamn plumber for Christ's sake! It's in the freaking phone book.

I've changed a diaper. I've been shot at. Without question, being shot at is worse.

That said, joining the military "family" requires trade-offs. The rewards are there, but they probably don't include partnerships and such--and not everyone who says they "gave that up" was really a contender in that realm anyway, btw. You're in or you're out. Once you're in, don't hold the "path not taken" against your spouse. It won't do either of you any good. I've lived that. Believe it.