New here and need some advice on my essay.

[navy09]

Two problems...

1) Bad news: Your grammar and basic writing ability probably isn't up to par with what you'd expect of a junior/senior in high school. Good news: This will be easily fixed by sitting down with your English teacher for 30 minutes to proof read all of your essays.

2) The content (reasoning) isn't great. Give this essay to your dad. IMO, if he's a good Chief he'll have some input to improve it.

 

[recnepssirhc]

Midn09, thanks for the feedback. I'm actually staying after school either tomorrow or Friday to sit down with my English teacher. I think I'm pretty up to par with writing skills, seeing my SAT scores are pretty high in reading and writing as well but thanks though for the advice.

 

[P3 F0]

I want to become a Naval Officer to improve my well-being by

First, you've barely cleared the gate on this essay and you're already talking about benefiting yourself. I'd maybe lay off that until my last point, and talk about what I can give the Navy first. I'm not sure you talk about that at all, though.

to serve my country to its fullest,

Is the country full? Don't understand what this means.

and to physically and mentally challenge myself.

Again, it's about you and not about the Navy...

First off, I believe that by becoming a Naval Officer will only serve to better myself as a person.

This sentence needs work. Either add an "it" or get rid of the "by." Highly recommend the latter.

Serving in the Navy as an Officer will provide me with certain valuable life and leadership qualities

Again, with the me...

The discipline, professionalism, and utmost respect

Drop "utmost."

The quick thinking and I believe, the rigorous mental and physical training a Naval Officer will have to pursue, will make me a better person physically, mentally, and morally.

This, again, is not a proper sentence grammatically. In addition, it needs to be reworded. Drop the "I believe." Drop the "will have to" and re-word. And how does all this affect your morals? And, yet again, we have more about how this is good for you...

Another major reason why I want to become a Naval Officer is to serve my country.

Finally!!

Not only am I serving for our country but I am doing it with

If you're using "but" here, it's going to be in contrast to the "for" before it, which means you need to talk about something else you're serving for, not with. Or just drop the "for."

like-minded men and women, which continues my dedication, to be a part of a force that protects our people, including our families and friends.

"Continues" is a very weak word. Find a stronger word. This is a run-on sentence. Commas. Look the word up, and figure out how they're used.

etc, etc, ... too much to harp on, too little time... (Don't worry about if this is just asking to be plagarized, because I've already emailed it to my family and stuff just in case.)

Don't flatter yourself. I really don't think you have anything to worry about here.

I like you, recwhatever, because you're persistent. I don't like that you really didn't put much thought into this essay, much less grammatical effort. I don't like that it's fairly trite and that, to me, you're spouting off generic stuff and nothing personal about you. But maybe that's just my problem. Sorry to sound like a dick here--my wife says I was harsh earlier, so this post will sound even worse. But I'm trying to be helpful. Really.

 

[yakboyslim]

No offense but your writing is a little weak. SAT scores don't actually mean much in the way of actual writing. But that can be fixed by your english teacher.

I believe by becoming a Naval Officer will only serve to better myself as a person - that sentence could use some work, the way I read it it makes it sound like you want in the Navy for YOU and ONLY YOU. Just the way it felt as I read it.

In general you need to make the essay more about you. Just a feeling (I don't read these things all the time, and my only experience is with mine) but it seems more like a Navy brochure than something about you. Make it heartfelt, personal, and honest.

In mine I wrote about how out of selfishness I didn't consider the Navy, I thought I would be happy as an engineer, until I heard I could make decent money in the military. Then after looking into it more I decided I needed to be a Navy Officer. Honesty counts and the truth is worth more than saying the same things they hear over and over.

Again, I only have the experience of writing one of these and getting pro-rec'd for SNFO.

 

[recnepssirhc]

Oh, I understand. I know you're not trying to be a dick, so none taken. Its all criticism and the more the better because all it'll do is help me. Thanks for the help! haha. I mean, about the fact of what I can give to the Navy is what I was going to state in my second essay since the other prompt is how might my background and experiences enhance the U.S navy. So, I just thought that would be a better place to explain stuff like that, but I guess I could add some stuff into this essay as well. But I mean, is my overall message clear and does it answer the prompt? Or am I just totally off the edge, not close?

ALSO; should I just rearrange my very orginal second paragraph into my essay or just leave that out for the 2nd optional essay?

 

[P3 F0]

Oh, I understand. I know you're not trying to be a dick, so none taken. Its all criticism and the more the better because all it'll do is help me. Thanks for the help! haha. I mean, about the fact of what I can give to the Navy is what I was going to state in my second essay since the other prompt is how might my background and experiences enhance the U.S navy. So, I just thought that would be a better place to explain stuff like that, but I guess I could add some stuff into this essay as well. But I mean, is my overall message clear and does it answer the prompt? Or am I just totally off the edge, not close?

Fair enough about the second prompt, then. I'd say your overall message is clear and it does answer the prompt. But even yakboyslim is saying to make it more personal. So I'd squeeze some of that in before you hit the English teacher.

 

[navy09]

Oh, I understand. I know you're not trying to be a dick, so none taken. Its all criticism and the more the better because all it'll do is help me. Thanks for the help! haha. I mean, about the fact of what I can give to the Navy is what I was going to state in my second essay since the other prompt is how might my background and experiences enhance the U.S navy. So, I just thought that would be a better place to explain stuff like that, but I guess I could add some stuff into this essay as well. But I mean, is my overall message clear and does it answer the prompt? Or am I just totally off the edge, not close?

Dude, skateboarding and playing pickup basketball are lame examples of why you'd be a good Naval Officer. Your competition is going to be way ahead of you in this regard. This is what I was talking about; time to get with your dad- he knows you way better than we do- and figure out a creative way to play up your experiences.

EDIT: Maybe I'm mixing up the two prompts. Either way, my advice still stands.

 

[Van]

No offense, but if your writing skills are "up to par" then our education system is worse than I thought. There are several errors in grammar, spelling, and punctuation. I sincerely hope you will sit down with you English teacher as you say you will, and that you will talk to your Father and heed his advice.

Here's a sneak peek at some things your teacher might point out:

-Myself is one word, not two.
-Too many "to"s and "and"s. You don't need "to" after every comma. "I am young and naive and..." needs some structural work along with better choice of vocabulary.
-"serve my country to its fullest" doesn't make sense. What is the countrys "fullest"? Using "the" instead of "its" will work better. "Its" implies the country, not you. You want to serve the country to YOUR fullest, right?
-Those 2 sentences in the first paragraph do not make a "paragraph". I know, it's knit picking but people notice those kinds of things.
-Take the "by" out of the first sentence in the 2nd paragraph.
-You don't "pursue" the mental and physical training, "endure" or "overcome" may be better choices of words.
-NEVER start a sentence with "Also".
-Remove "by" again in the 2nd sentence of the 3rd paragraph.

There's a lot more I could mention, but I'll stop there. This post is getting too long.

On top of those language errors, the essay seems all about benefits for you. What do you have to offer the Navy? What will be their return on investment? It seems like you have the motivation to become an officer, now show them that you have the skill and desire to do great things through your service to the Country.

Edit: Shoot, everyone else beat me to it!

 

[recnepssirhc]

Alright. Well, my school has been closed due to weather so I've basically just been taking the advice and trying to take out the "mush" in my essay. I'm trying to add more personal things in and what I can offer towards to the Navy rather than the other way. I'll try to post it by tonight or so to get more feedback whether its still bad or not. Thanks everyone so far for the advice, even if it seemed harsh. But, its all just good help so none taken.

 

[redmidgrl]

Even if your school is closed, there are other ways to proofread a piece of writing. Remember, before you get to the interview, your essays are the board's first impression of you. If there are blatant grammatical and punctuation errors, it's like telling the board that you don't care that much about putting in a reasonable amount time and effort into your application -- so why should they put time and effort into you? You want to sound like an intelligent, well-spoken individual BEFORE they even meet you.

A good way to sanity check your writing is to read it out loud to someone. You'll know if something doesn't sound right, and so will your buddy. Make sure you're not speaking in soundbites (starting a sentence with words like also, but, etc.), instead make sure your work speaks in paragraphs (topic sentence, supporting sentences, etc).

Getting on top of your writing is important as an officer because it affects those around you. As a Division Officer you will be writing FITREPS/Evals for sailors -- you have a say in what happens to their careers. Good writing shouldn't stop at getting passed the application process. Keep working at it (even reading novels and nonfiction will help).

Good luck!
~Red

 

[recnepssirhc]

I know there is other forms of proofreading a paper. I was just saying schools was closed, stating I couldn't visit my English teacher today. But definitely reading out loud helps. I gave it my father and he read it over and now I'm just making more correction as of right now. Like I said, I'll post it later tonight or PM it. But thanks for the heads up and I'll definitely take that into consideration!