Need jokes for AOM

[phrogdriver]

A friend on the first day of ground school broke the silence with
"I was f-ing this girl in the ass last night and she turned around and said 'the pain is excruciating!'. I said 'Excruciating, that's an awfully big word for a 10 year old'"
Then there's always the baby jokes, but considering our XO is a LtCol, very religious and has 3 daughters, I better stay away from those ones.

We had a lieutenant tell the joke,"How do you make a little girl cry again?"

"Wipe your dick off on her teddy bear."

The XO (4 daughters, very religious) had his ass after that. The lieutenant also got a call sign for it upon arrival at his fleet squadron.

 

[FlyBoyd]

What's the difference between pink and purple?

The grip.

 

[C420sailor]

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Ground up and in the freezer.

 

[CommodoreMid]

I'm a dead baby joke fan, but again, discretion is always appropriate. My joke involved me saying the word cunt 4 times before 10 in the morning. As people who have met me know, I kinda lack a filter.

If you could do dead baby jokes, this is my favorite:
What's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown suit.

 

[NavAir42]

My joke involved me saying the word cunt 4 times before 10 in the morning.

You can't throw that out there without telling the joke. It violates the laws of physics.

 

[PropAddict]

I've never been able to tell this one, but I saw a marine perform it to great effect at a hail and bail:

Why is the female sex organ called a "cunt"?

That's the sound it makes when you kick it! (For effect, he took a step or two and drop-kicked the air)

 

[scoolbubba]

bahahahahahahahahaha. these are awesome.

When's NCIS going to start tracking usernames down for the great AW-hook dirty joke scandal?

 

[PropAddict]

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Hot and black?

Cold and bitter?

Cheap and available on every corner?

A little nutty but goes down easy?

Mail-ordered from Ethiopia?

There are so many for this one. . .

 

[squeeze]

There are so many for this one. . .

I thought it was "I like my women like I like my bourbon... 18 years old and all mixed up with coke."

 

[bluesig1]

A classic freudian slip. I was sitting at the kitchen table the other day eating pancakes and meant to ask my wife can you pass the syrup. But what came out was " you ruined my life you Blood sucking whore."

 

[CommodoreMid]

You can't throw that out there without telling the joke. It violates the laws of physics.

It's a long one.

So there's this family, a mother and a father and their four year old son. One day the parents get in this ridiculous fight and are screaming "You bitch!" and "You bastard!" at each other. At dinner that night the son asks, "What do bitch and bastard mean?" So the parents, naturally embarrassed, respond, "Well, bitch means lady and bastard means gentleman." The son is satisfied and they go to bed. That night the parents are having dirty make up sex and are talking real nasty to each other. The walls of the house are thin and so the son hears everything. among which he hears the words dick and cunt uttered repeatedly. The next morning at breakfast he asks, "What do dick and cunt mean?" Again, embarrassed, the parents reply, "Dick means hat and cunt means coat?" The little boy is satisfied. That night they're having a dinner party. The parents are getting ready and the little boy walks into the bathroom where his father is shaving and he proceeds to nick himself. He screams "Shit!" The little boy asks, "What does shit mean?" "Well, it means shaving cream." The boy goes down to the kitchen where his mother is prepping dinner. She is slicing up a turkey and hits her thumb with the knife and yells "Fuck!" "Mommy, what does fuck mean?" "It means carving the turkey."

Finally the doorbell rings. Like a good son, the boy answers the door to greet the guests and says, "Good evening bitches and bastards. May I take your dicks and cunts? Daddy's in the bathroom putting shit on his face, and mommy's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

 

[CommodoreMid]

Again, know your command before you tell jokes like this. I actually was in the squadron about 4 or 5 months by the time I told this, so given the environment at the time I knew I could get away with it.

 

[MasterBates]

How is the football team at Notre Dame similar to a Cheerleader there?
They both blow for four quarters.

I got a standing ovation from JOPA telling this right after they got their asses kicked in the season opener.
XO was not amused.
(XO is a ND grad, his wife was a cheerleader there, and I knew this before I told the joke)

 

[zpatman]

Guy goes on a business trip to Tokyo for a week and decides that he's going to check out the local nightlife. As he's scouring the town he comes across this gorgeous asian prostitute and decides to throw caution to the wind. He goes up to her, propositions her, they finally are able to reach an understanding about the deal and go back to his hotel. Now keep in mind, she is insanely hot, so they are going at it like cats and dogs, switching positions, screaming, I mean we are talking the hottest sex in this guys life. And then she starts screaming "Fuji Foo, Fuji Foo"...well he takes it that he is really rocking her world.

Well the next day he is on the golf course with his Japanese clients and next thing you know hits a whole in one. He's so excited he jumps up and down screaming "Fuji Foo Fuji Foo"....to which the businessmen look at each other all confused until one finally says to him "But you got it in the right whole"

 

[yak52driver]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.​

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh really?Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the Golf course.


On Golf days, a lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. ​

It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."​