Need a quick proofread of Reconsideration Letter

[CalamityJean]

*I have to shoot this off to my OR fairly soon. I tend to over elaborate/get too creative with my writing. Can a couple people familiar with this part of the process scan this and let me know what kind of editing is needed. I won't take offense, this puppy has to have punch. Thanks*

17 September 2009

CNRC

Subject: REQUEST FOR RECONSIDERATION

Since my initial application in June and subsequent Non-Select, my determination to become a Naval Officer has not wavered. I added many extra curriculars that were left out of my initial application, acquired interviews, have retaken the ASTB and much more.

I set up my own interviews in Norfolk with two IW LCDRs and a Supply Capt. I made the 600 mile drive from Ohio not only to do the interviews, but to show my willingness to put forth the effort to get the job done. I also would like to express how impressed I was that so many in this great Navy were willing to help a total stranger achieve her dream. The Norfolk experience has only fueled my excitement.

Immediately after my non-select I began studying again to take the ASTB for the final time. I have improved my OAR by 7 points. I have not had a math or physics class since college, nearly 6 years ago. I re-educated myself in all the basic principles and I think this discipline in my studying is reflected in my scores.

I have been involved in missions work in 3rd world countries nearly every summer and sometimes several trips in a year since I was a teenager. I have added these projects into the package as well as my leadership positions during college.

I have also entered the DEP program for the rating of CTN. I did not do this because I don?t think I have what it takes, or that I don?t want to be an Officer. To be frank with you, I cannot afford to go back to school to acquire a technical degree (which is what I feel is the only thing I lack). Therefore, by going enlisted I can acquire the technical skills I am missing and apply from within. I am hoping that you will see this move as I have presented it; I enlisted because I am 100% committed to making the Navy my career.

I have never wanted the small town life, but never quite knew what I should be. It is such a relief now to know that is to be a Naval Officer, but stressful to know my fate rests in this boards hands. I respectfully request you reconsider my application and grant me the greatest of opportunities. I have demonstrated I will not give up, let me prove I will not let you down.

Sincerely,



Henderson540

 

[GIANTKILLER]

Where shall I start...

Well, you certainly write as though you are "entitled" to some sort of consideration. In fact, in the Navy, you are honored to serve, not entitled to a position.

Here are a few things that could be altered to make the letter sound less retarded:

1. Use "I" as little as possible, especially when starting a sentence. Find some other way to talk about yourself without saying "I did this, I did that" because they will say "I dont care"
2. Stop sinking your own ship with stuff like "I added many extra curriculars that were left out of my initial application" (why werent they in there in the first place) and "I began studying again to take the ASTB for the final time" (why did it take her 3 times to get it right). It might be wiser to say nothing about your ASTB. When they get to that part of your package, they will see that you either meet the minimums or not.
3. Leadership is EVERYTHING!!! If you arent talking about leadership then you arent talking about anything worth hearing. And no one wants to hear what you think about it, they want to hear what you KNOW about it.
4. Get rid of this "but stressful to know my fate rests in this boards hands". Nothing is more annoying than feeling like someone is giving you an ultimatum, especially when they arent your boss. No one cares about how stressed out you are, that is extra baggage that you tuck away and only let your family see. To be a military officer means to be a consummate professional, which means you stand up tall and gracefully accept any order that comes your way and execute it to the fullest extent. Do not sound distraught, do not sound desperate. Sound honored to serve the American people and show that you are a leader.

Just some tid bits. Good Luck!

 

[DukeAndrewJ]

I added many extra curriculars that were left out of my initial application
Henderson540

Doesn't make sense - why leave them out of the first app?

I also would like to express how impressed I was that so many in this great Navy were willing to help a total stranger achieve her dream. The Norfolk experience has only fueled my excitement.
Henderson540

Sounds a little cheesy.

Immediately after my non-select I began studying again to take the ASTB for the final time. I have improved my OAR by 7 points. I have not had a math or physics class since college, nearly 6 years ago. I re-educated myself in all the basic principles and I think this discipline in my studying is reflected in my scores.
Henderson540

I think it is worth mentioning that you improved your OAR score, but bringing up how long it has been sounds like a bit of an excuse for why you didn't do well the first time. Also, spell out numbers less than 10.

To be frank with you, I cannot afford to go back to school to acquire a technical degree (which is what I feel is the only thing I lack). Therefore, by going enlisted I can acquire the technical skills I am missing and apply from within. I am hoping that you will see this move as I have presented it; I enlisted because I am 100% committed to making the Navy my career.
Henderson540

- A couple points about this paragraph: I am not sure I would address any points to 'you,' as it seems a bit informal; also I am not so sure making assumptions about the only thing you lack is the best idea. Only the selection boards knows why you didn't get accepted the first go around.

I have never wanted the small town life, but never quite knew what I should be. It is such a relief now to know that is to be a Naval Officer, but stressful to know my fate rests in this boards hands. I respectfully request you reconsider my application and grant me the greatest of opportunities. I have demonstrated I will not give up, let me prove I will not let you down.
Henderson540

It sounds a bit awkward to say that is is a relief to know that you want to be a naval officer when you have yet to be selected. Maybe write something more about the importance of establishing a coherent goal or something. And they know you are stressed ... every applicant is.



I think it is a good essay overall. Good luck.

 

[CalamityJean]

My OR's instructions were for the reconsideration to cover all the changes made to my package since last submission. Hence the ASTB mentions. I'll adjust the language so it doesn't sound like it's an entitlement. It seems a fine line to walk between self assertion, and chest pounding. But I see what you're saying about the tone of desperation. I'll get to editing.

As for package additions, I was specifically told to include some of these things and address why exactly this change is something they should consider. My previous OR didn't tell me to include all my years of mission work/community service which is why I have to mention they are now in.

 

[feddoc]

*I have to shoot this off to my OR fairly soon. I tend to over elaborate/get too creative with my writing. Can a couple people familiar with this part of the process scan this and let me know what kind of editing is needed. I won't take offense, this puppy has to have punch. Thanks*

17 September 2009

CNRC

Subject: REQUEST FOR RECONSIDERATION

Since my initial application in June and subsequent Non-Select, my determination to become a Naval Officer has not wavered. I included many extra curriculars, acquired multiple interviews, have retaken the ASTB and much more. (summarize it here so I don't have to look for it)

I set up my own interviews in Norfolk with two IW LCDRs and a Supply Capt and made the 600 mile drive from Ohio not only to do the interviews, but to show my willingness to put forth the effort in order to present a better package to the board.. I also would like to express how impressed I was that so many in this great Navy were willing to help a total stranger achieve her dream. The Norfolk experience has only fueled my excitement.

Immediately after my non-select I began studying again to take the ASTB for the final time. I have improved my OAR by 7 points. I re-educated myself in all the basic principles and feel thatthis discipline in my studying is reflected by an improved OAR of 7 points.

I have been involved in missions work in third world countries nearly every summer and sometimes several trips in a year since I was a teenager. I have added these projects into the package as well as my leadership positions during college. (summarize those leadership positions here so I don't have to look for them)

I have also entered the DEP program for the rating of CTN. I did not do this because I don't think I have what it takes, or that I don't want to be an Officer. To be frank with you, I did it because I can acquire the technical skills I am missing and apply from within. I am hoping that you will see this move as I have presented it; I enlisted because I am 100% committed to making the Navy my career.

I know that my goal in life is to become a Naval Officer. I respectfully request you reconsider my application and grant me the greatest of opportunities. I have demonstrated I will not give up, let me prove I will not let you down.

Sincerely,



Henderson540

Made a few changes in bold.

 

[CalamityJean]

Made a few changes in bold.

Thank you. I just did a round of editing when I saw this. Let me post the changes I made, then I'll go back and see if I can incorporate your suggestions. I appreciate everyone who has been quick to help / judge. Both are necessary.



17 September 2009

CNRC

Subject: REQUEST FOR RECONSIDERATION
Since my initial application in June and subsequent Non-Select, my determination to become a Naval Officer has not wavered. I added many extra curriculars that were left out of my initial application, acquired interviews, have retaken the ASTB and became enrolled in the DEP program.

I set up interviews in Norfolk with two IW LCDRs and a Supply Capt. I made the 600 mile drive not only to procure the recommendations of these Officers but to show this board I can and will take the initiative to get the job done.

I have also taken the ASTB again, improving my OAR by 7 points. My last math and physics classes were years ago, and I needed to re-educate myself. The discipline in my studies I feel is reflected in my increased scores.

I have been involved in missions work in 3rd world countries nearly every summer and sometimes several trips in a year. I have added these projects into the package as well as my leadership positions during college. These were left out of my intial package because of a mistunderstanding on how to fill out the additional comments sections. I have a great love of service, that being the number one reason I want to serve in this Navy.

I have also entered the DEP program for the rating of CTN. Currently I cannot afford to go back to school to acquire a technical degree (which I know is something that is heavily considered). Therefore, by going enlisted I can acquire the technical credentials I am missing and apply from within. I am hoping that you will see this move as I meant to present it; I enlisted because I am 100% committed to the Navy. I will not walk away from this branch even if I cannot become an Officer right out of the gate.

I respectfully request you reconsider my application and grant me the honor of service as an Officer. I have demonstrated I will not give up and I can improve on my deficiencies. Let me demonstrate now that I will not let you down.

Sincerely,



Henderson540

 

[Jynx]

Taking a two second look I see:
Every paragraph starts with I, Fix that. I'm also throwing in some deletes to make it more concise. I like alot of it, but I really do hope you flesh out on alot of the things that make you unique in your application.
Best of luck.

17 September 2009

CNRC

Subject: REQUEST FOR RECONSIDERATION
Since my initial June Non-Select, my determination to become a Naval Officer has not wavered. I added many extra curriculars that were left out of my initial application (If you're going to say this, say why. Time Constraints?, acquired interviews, have retaken the ASTB and became enrolled in the DEP program.

In order to show my commitment and determination, I drove 600 miles to so on so forth. They all remarked upon "characteristic goes here" set up interviews in Norfolk with two IW LCDRs and a Supply Capt. I made the 600 mile drive not only to procure the recommendations of these Officers but to show this board I can and will take the initiative to get the job done.

I have also taken the ASTB again, improving my OAR by 7 points. My last math and physics classes were years ago, and I needed to re-educate myself. I feel that my determination to become a Naval Officer is reflected in The discipline in my studies and thus in my increased scores.

I have been involved in missions work in 3rd world countries nearly every summer and sometimes several trips in a year. I have added these projects into the package as well as my leadership positions during college. These were left out of my intial package because of a mistypowashereunderstanding on how to fill out the additional comments sections. I have a great love of service, that being the number one reason I want to serve in this Navy. Reword this. Service is a broad term, from everything like national service to valet parking. Define and be precise. Service of Country, Serivce to community, etc. I'd talk this up more maybe. Travel and language marks you as unique, maybe you should mention how you've called aLOT more attention this in your application (You have fleshed out aLOT of details, right?)

I have also entered the DEP program for the rating of CTN. Currently I cannot afford to go back to school to acquire a technical degree (which I know is something that is heavily considered). Therefore, by going enlisted I hope I can acquire the technical credentials I may be missing and apply from within. I am hoping that you will see this move as I mean to present it; I enlisted because I am 100% committed to the Navy. I will not walk away from this branch even if I cannot become an Officer right out of the gate. Brave move. I'm not sure what to say here. Gramatically it works.

I respectfully request you reconsider my application and grant me the honor of service as an Officer. I have demonstrated I will not give up and I can improve on my deficiencies. Let me demonstrate now that I will not let you down.

Sincerely,



Henderson540

 

[CalamityJean]

*This is what I submitted to the processor. She's going to also go over it and then let me know from her end what should stay or go. Thank you all for the suggestions, they were greatly appreciated.*

To: The Officer Selection Board, CNRC

Subject: REQUEST FOR RECONSIDERATION

Since my initial application in June and subsequent Non-Select, my determination to become a Naval Officer has not wavered. I have focused on areas needing improvement and will address them below.

I set up interviews in Norfolk with two IW LCDRs and a Supply Capt. There are no IWOs in Ohio making the trip there necessary. I made the long drive not only to procure the recommendations of these Officers but to show this board I can and will take the initiative to get the job done.

I have taken the ASTB again, improving my OAR by 7 points.

Due to a misunderstanding on how to fill out the application properly, I left off nearly all volunteer work. I have added these projects into the package as well as my leadership positions during college.

In August at my OR?s suggestion, I entered the DEP program for 2010 to demonstrate my absolute commitment to the Navy.

I respectfully request you reconsider my application and allow me the honor of serving my country as a Naval Officer. I have demonstrated I will not give up and I can improve on my deficiencies. Let me prove now that I will not let this board down.


Sincerely,
Henderson540