Navy Force Active Reduction and Termination System(FARTS)

[TheBubba]

Found this perusing the good old internet this morning. I think its a bit old, but funny none the less.

NAVY PROGRAMS

As a result of Senate proposed force reductions and budget
cuts the Department of the Navy has developed a program to
reduce the number of active duty personnel. This program
is under test phase and will be effective 1 DECEMBER 2005.

Under this new program, older Sailors will be asked to go
on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the
younger Sailors who represent the future. Therefore,
this program will phase out older sailors by the end of the
current fiscal year.

This initial phase of the program will be known as SLAP
(Sailors Late-Aged Program). Sailors who are SLAPPED will
be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the Navy.


SLAPPED sailors can request a review of their personnel
records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of
the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of
Retired Early Workers). All sailors who have been SLAPPED
or SCREWED, may file an appeal with their chain of command
with final authority at the Personnel Command level.

This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, a sailor
may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as
many times as the Navy deems appropriate.

If a Sailor follows the above procedures, he/she will be
entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired
Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum
Assistance Payment), unless he/she already has AIDS
(Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any sailor
who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED
or SCREWED by the Navy.

The Navy wishes to assure the younger Sailors who remain on
board, that the Navy will continue its policy of training
sailors through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
The Navy takes pride in the amount of SHIT our sailors
receive. We have given our sailors more SHIT than any
other service. If any sailor feels they do not receive
enough SHIT at their current base, see your immediate
supervisor.

YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU
RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.

 

[DanMa1156]

Rep will be given as soon as that is an option -- I laughed when I first read it earlier today.

 

[eddie]

I guess that this inspired the Navy one. I first saw this in when I was working in the Physics Department at Caltech this summer, seen it a couple times since then.

TO: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees welltrained through our progrom of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Eployee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List. (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T.jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director Of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).


Thank you,
Boss In General, Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

 

[Blutonski816]

saw this like years ago....

good stuff, though...