anonymousgoat
New Member
Here is my second NROTC essay. I promise to make it less painful then the first one. Please tell me any criticism/comments you have on it. Thanks to everyone who is willing to read.
How might your background and experiences enhance the US Naval Service?
My background and experiences have created the well-rounded individual who I am today, an individual who aspires to become a Naval Officer. I believe that the activities I have participated in and the skills I’ve acquired in my life will allow me to greatly enhance the US Naval Service.
One of my most valuable assets is undoubtedly my love of learning. Both inside and outside of school I go above and beyond the standards to satisfy this love. Inside of school, I take the most difficult courses I can handle, and I tackle each and every subject with a fierce intensity. Outside of class, I enjoy programming computer games in my spare time. These games I create allow me to apply the computer languages I’ve studied in the classroom to a use that has concrete results and is fun. My thirst for knowledge will allow me to succeed at engineering in college and quickly learn the more technical parts of my job as a Naval Officer. I believe that what I have already learned in my studies as well as the things I am yet to learn will benefit the Naval Service immensely.
Although I have a passion for learning, I cannot be defined solely by my academic endeavors. The physical activities that I have participated in will give me the strength and discipline that is needed to competently serve in the Navy. As a member of the Varsity Cross Country and my neighborhood swim team, I have been frequently up before six o’clock in the morning in order to train. Through these early morning workouts, I have learned to push myself to my limits and have developed the physical ability and determination required to excel in the US Naval Service.
A final, important way I will be able to enhance the Naval Service is through my leadership experiences. As an Eagle Scout and the Trumpet Section leader in my marching band, I have had many chances to lead others. Whether it’s assigning tasks to scouts in a community service project or getting the freshmen through an eight hour marching rehearsal, I am constantly refining my leadership abilities. The Navy will be the perfect place to put the leadership skills that I’m constantly building into action.
I know that given the chance, I will be more than able to improve the Naval Service. I look forward to putting the skills that I’ve acquired from my background and experiences into good use, serving our country as a Naval Officer.
How might your background and experiences enhance the US Naval Service?
My background and experiences have created the well-rounded individual who I am today, an individual who aspires to become a Naval Officer. I believe that the activities I have participated in and the skills I’ve acquired in my life will allow me to greatly enhance the US Naval Service.
One of my most valuable assets is undoubtedly my love of learning. Both inside and outside of school I go above and beyond the standards to satisfy this love. Inside of school, I take the most difficult courses I can handle, and I tackle each and every subject with a fierce intensity. Outside of class, I enjoy programming computer games in my spare time. These games I create allow me to apply the computer languages I’ve studied in the classroom to a use that has concrete results and is fun. My thirst for knowledge will allow me to succeed at engineering in college and quickly learn the more technical parts of my job as a Naval Officer. I believe that what I have already learned in my studies as well as the things I am yet to learn will benefit the Naval Service immensely.
Although I have a passion for learning, I cannot be defined solely by my academic endeavors. The physical activities that I have participated in will give me the strength and discipline that is needed to competently serve in the Navy. As a member of the Varsity Cross Country and my neighborhood swim team, I have been frequently up before six o’clock in the morning in order to train. Through these early morning workouts, I have learned to push myself to my limits and have developed the physical ability and determination required to excel in the US Naval Service.
A final, important way I will be able to enhance the Naval Service is through my leadership experiences. As an Eagle Scout and the Trumpet Section leader in my marching band, I have had many chances to lead others. Whether it’s assigning tasks to scouts in a community service project or getting the freshmen through an eight hour marching rehearsal, I am constantly refining my leadership abilities. The Navy will be the perfect place to put the leadership skills that I’m constantly building into action.
I know that given the chance, I will be more than able to improve the Naval Service. I look forward to putting the skills that I’ve acquired from my background and experiences into good use, serving our country as a Naval Officer.
), but I hate expressions like 'each and every' and 'more than able'. IMHO, brevity is a hallmark of a good communicator, not flowy, redundant idioms. Say in ten words what you are now using thirty to say. 