My NROTC Essay

[SAlv_Navy]

Hello, I recently joined this forum and I need help writing my ROTC essay. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated.

The question is: How might your background and experiences enhance the U.S. Naval Service?

This is my first body paragraph:

While others may give in to the fate projected on them by the expectations of society, stemming from the idea of a seemingly flawed background, I choose to reject the notion that my background is a weakness, for I find it a strength. As a Dominican-American, coming from one of the poorest areas of New York, the bar was never set high. Being from a city where less than half of Latinos graduate from high school, and even less go to college, I was expected to fail from the start. Rather than becoming discouraged by the lack of hope, I became disgusted by it. Ironically, that lack of faith not only made me self motivated, but awoke the strength, will, and dedication needed to overcome any obstacle in the way of my success. The ability to set and the determination to complete a goal is what creates strength of character. The benefits of my heritage don’t stop there. The mixture of both my American background and my Dominican background allows me to relate better to the worldwide community. I am able to understand and adapt to foreign cultural values, something that is critical in order to efficiently interact with today’s global community. I believe that these qualities will help me become an effective member of the U.S. Navy, where different cultures come together and work as one.




Once again thanks for taking the time to read this.

 

[Steve Wilkins]

I'll be blunt. The, label "Dominican-American" rubs me the wrong way. Are you an American or not? Sorry, but I don't take kindly to those that want to be half breeds. If you want to be an American, then be an American. I'm not saying you need to abandon your heritage. Just don't use it as a subtle hint to a selection board that you're a minority. There are a lot of straight up Americans that come from poor areas of New York, not to mention other areas of the country. I don't see what being a Dominican has anything to do with the question you are trying to answer? Can you answer the question that you're writing to answer in a way that doesn't bring up race? If so, kudos to you. If not, keep trying.

 

[bubbagump]

I agree with the above. Try focusing more on turning your weaknesses into strengths, and less on being a minority. I don't go around calling myself an Irish-American; I'm just an American.

That being said, the bit about using preconceived notions of failure as motivation for success was strong. IMHO, you should stick with that avenue.

 

[SAlv_Navy]

Should I drop the Latino comment as well?

I'm tempted to cut off the part of the whole global community, but I want to state that I'm ready to become pat of one of the most diverse military in the world. That diversity is what separates the U.S. military from the rest of the world. It makes us stronger.

 

[bubbagump]

You can, but it really depends on how you re-work the paragraph and how it flows. You don't have to not mention being a minority at all. Try working a short blip about not only were you raised in a bad neighborhood, but as a member of the latino community where less than half graduate high school, you overcame the odds and now wish to pursue a career where you can put yourself to the test. Just try not to make it the main focus of your essay. For what it's worth, you're a strong writer. Use your mad essay skills to your advantage.

Anyway, good luck!

 

[SAlv_Navy]

I did some quick editing. I'm not sure if it still flows smoothly but here:

While others may give in to the fate projected on them by the expectations of society, stemming from the idea of a seemingly flawed background, I choose to reject the notion that my background is a weakness, for I find it a strength. Coming from one of the poorest areas of New York, the bar was never set high. Coming from a city where less than half of Latinos graduate from high school, and even less go to college, I was expected to fail from the start. Rather than becoming discouraged by the lack of hope, I became disgusted by it. Ironically, that lack of faith not only made me self motivated, but awoke the strength, will, and dedication needed to overcome any obstacle in the way of my success. The ability to set and the determination to complete a goal is what creates strength of character. As a result I was no longer satisfied by the status quo. At school, while an eighty or an eighty-five was considered a “good” grade, I felt dissatisfied with anything less than a ninety. When I saw kids wasting away their education, and simply giving up on themselves by cutting class, I could only feel frustrated. I could no longer live without striving for the best, without trying one’s hardest, without making the most of one’s life. The desire to make the most out of my life is the reason why I wish to become a part of the world’s most diverse Navy as a nuclear engineer. That diversity is what separates the U.S. Navy from the rest of the world; it’s what makes us unique; it makes us stronger.

 

[bubbagump]

The only problem I have with this the last sentence, and mostly because of a typo (is = isn't, i'm assuming?). Also the double semi-colon irks me for reasons I can't fully explain, though I like the message you're trying to convey. All in all, I think it's a strong first body paragraph.

 

[SAlv_Navy]

Ok I did one more edit. Also I need some advice on what to do fr the essay as a whole because the essay's not suppose to be more than 2500 characters and I'm already in the 1400s

New Version :

While others may give in to the fate projected on them by the expectations of society, stemming from the idea of a seemingly flawed background, I choose to reject the notion that my background is a weakness, for I find it a strength. Coming from one of the poorest areas of New York, the bar was never set high. Coming from a city where less than half of Latinos graduate from high school, and even less go to college, I was expected to fail from the start. Rather than becoming discouraged by the lack of hope, I became disgusted by it. Ironically, that lack of faith not only made me self motivated, but awoke the strength, will, and dedication needed to overcome any obstacle in the way of my success. The ability to set and the determination to complete a goal is what creates strength of character. As a result I was no longer satisfied by the status quo. At school, while an eighty or an eighty-five was considered a “good” grade, I felt dissatisfied with anything less than a ninety. When I saw kids wasting away their education, and simply giving up on themselves by cutting class, I could only feel frustrated. I could no longer live without striving for the best, without trying one’s hardest, without making the most of one’s life. The desire to make the most out of my life is the reason why I wish to become a part of the world’s most diverse Navy as a nuclear engineer. That diversity is what makes the U.S. Navy unique; it’s what makes us strong.

 

[bubbagump]

If you're worried about going over the limit, you could actually break this into two paragraphs ("...The ability to set and the determination to complete a goal is what creates strength of character. (break) As a result I was no longer satisfied by the status quo...") and either elaborate on them, or just slap on an intro and a conclusion. On that note, you might want to use the last sentence as part of your conclusion statement.

 

[SAlv_Navy]

Ok so now I think I have a pretty decent essay coming along I just need some tips on how to shorten it.

While others may give in to the fate projected on them by the expectations of society, stemming from the idea of a seemingly flawed background, I choose to reject the notion that my background is a weakness, for I find it a strength. Coming from one of the poorest areas of New York, where less than half of Latinos graduate from high school, and even less go to college, I was expected to fail from the start. Rather than becoming discouraged by the lack of hope, I became disgusted by it. Ironically, that lack of faith not only made me self motivated, but awoke the strength, will, and dedication needed to overcome any obstacle in the way of my success. The ability to set and the determination to complete a goal is what creates strength of character.
As a result I was no longer satisfied by the status quo. At school, while an eighty or an eighty-five was considered a “good” grade, I felt dissatisfied with anything less than a ninety. When I saw kids wasting away their education, and simply giving up on themselves by cutting class, I could only feel frustrated. I could no longer live without striving for the best, without trying one’s hardest, without making the most of one’s life. The desire to make the most out of my life is the reason why I wish to become a part of the world’s most diverse Navy as a nuclear engineer.
My experiences as a member of the Fed challenge and the Volleyball team taught me valuable lessons needed in order to become an effective leader. The goal of the Fed Challenge is to address and solve problems in the economy. Using the latest data to create forecasts, we not only came up with solutions to the problems, but also calculated the risks associated with our solutions. It was when I started playing volleyball that I learned the meaning of the word teamwork. We changed from six individual players and became one volleyball team. Our team was built upon trust, communication, and cooperation. The ability to make work as a team, and to make decisions in a constantly changing environment while factoring in the consequence which come as a result, have shaped me into a leader.


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[P3 F0]

Shortening is easy. You have a lot of redundancy here. "I choose to reject the notion that my background is a weakness, for I find it a strength." = I embrace my background as a strength.

"I was expected to fail from the start." = Failure was expected.

"When I saw kids wasting away their education, and simply giving up on themselves by cutting class, I could only feel frustrated." = Seeing my peers giving up on themselves by cutting class frustrated me.

"I learned the meaning of the word teamwork" = I learned the meaning of teamwork

"We changed from six individual players and became one volleyball team." = We changed from six individuals to one team built upon trust, communication, and cooperation.

"The ability to make work as a team, and to make decisions in a constantly changing environment while factoring in the consequence which come as a result, have shaped me into a leader. " This sentence is shaky (the entire para, really) and needs to be cleaned up. Get rid of "while factoring in the consequences." ["which come as a result" is completely redundant]

Also, you're talking about working as a team (not "making" work), and then you get into how that shaped you into a leader. I'm scratching my head. Were you the team captain? If so, it's your successful direction of that team to make decisions in a constantly-changing environment that shaped you into a leader. If you were not the team captain, then you're talking about how being a part of a team shaped you into a leader, which makes no sense to me.

Think critically about what you're writing, and try as hard as you can to read it from another person's eyes.

 

[SAlv_Navy]

Thank you this is honestly shortening up my essay. I understand what your saying about that paragraph too. I was thinking about cutting it out and having a paragraph centered about my ability to be culturally diverse and how that is an asset that I can contribute to the navy.

 

[SAlv_Navy]

Or is that good enough and I should just add in an intro and a conclusion?

 

[SAlv_Navy]

First off I'd like to thank everyone on this thread for all their feedback, trust me its been a great help. That being said here's my essay with everything but the intro. Any more advice/comments will be greatly appreciated

[FONT=&quot]While others may give in to the fate projected to them by the expectations of society, I embrace my background as a strength. Coming from one of the poorest neighborhoods in New York, where less than half of Latinos graduate from high school, and even less attend college, I was expected to fail from the start. Rather than becoming discouraged by the lack of faith, I became self motivated; I awoke the strength, will, and dedication I needed to overcome any obstacles in the way of my success. The ability to set my mind to completing a task is what creates strength of character. In addition, that same “flawed background” has given me the ability to understand multiple cultures and ideals, something critical in today’s global community. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]As a result of fighting to follow a path different than the one set up for me, I am no longer satisfied by the status quo. At school, while an eighty or an eighty-five was considered a “good” grade, I felt dissatisfied with anything less than a ninety. Seeing my peers giving up on themselves by cutting class frustrated me because they were throwing away their chances of success. I could no longer pass a day without striving for the best, without trying my hardest, without finding the purpose of my life. The desire to make the most out of my life is the main reason why I wish to become a part of the United States Navy, as a nuclear engineer. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]My iron will, unwavering conviction, understanding of multiple cultures, and desire to strive for perfection in everything I do, are qualities that will make me a great leader in the military. The trails that I’ve overcome to get this far have all been to prepare me to become a part of the most diverse Navy in the world, the United States Navy. That diversity is what makes the U.S. Navy unique; it is what makes it strong. [/FONT]