here is my revised essay
i have been working on it for week with my English tutor
There are many reasons why I desire to become a Naval Officer. I realize that in order to become a Naval Officer it will take lots of time and effort. The reason at the top of my list is to serve my country. I believe that serving ones’ country is very honorable.
Having a father who has served in the Navy, I am not a total stranger to military service. Serving in the Navy will help me gain valuable life and leadership qualities that cannot be gained anywhere else. Physically, the standards set by the Navy will motivate me to keep myself as healthy as I possibly can. Mentally, all the knowledge I will have gained in college will be of great importance while serving in the Navy. It is a huge responsibility, and with so many men and women depending on one's leadership as an officer I can see why the standards are so high for officers. I hope that I can meet those standards and lead to the best of my abilities. Anything I can do to make myself into a better leader I will do. I know what type of person it takes to be an officer, and what type of extraordinary people they are. You can recognize them by the pride with which they hold themselves and the confidence with which they speak. They are willing not only to give up their life for their country, but also to lead likeminded men and women who are willing to do the same. They have to make split second decisions that test who they are and will vastly impact the lives of those under their command. This is the type of person I want to be; a Naval Officer.
I also firmly believe that I can prove myself as an asset to the Navy. My life experiences up to this point, playing varsity soccer, running cross country, being a soccer referee, and succeeding in the classroom, will only benefit the Navy if I am so fortunate as to gain commission. My training as an athlete most definitely has taught me the value of discipline. As a member of the cross country team and travel soccer team, I often have had to wake up before six o’clock in the morning in order to get up and train and play. Although it is never fun to wake up that early, I know that it is crucial to my performance as an athlete to train regularly, and wake up early to be the best I can be. I will be able to use this discipline to stick through the training that I will face during my service. My background and experiences have helped me develop crucial traits such as discipline, competence, and knowledge that I will be able to use to effectively enhance the US Naval Service.
Another major reason that I want to become a Naval Officer is to ensure myself a stable future. Serving in the military is an honorable job. Whenever I meet someone who serves in the military, no matter how much I know about the person, there is an automatic degree of respect that I have for them. It would be nice to have a job where strangers look up to you. It will also be nice to get out of college, a time where many students are uncertain about their future, and know exactly where I plan to work. I hold a belief that by becoming a Naval Officer will only serve to better myself as a person.
Another reason I want to become a Naval Officer is in order to improve myself, both mentally and physically. A natural trait in human nature is to strive for greatness. It is this innate characteristic that built the houses we live in, that created the ships that protect our country, and that sent men to defend our country; it is this attribute which I posses that drives me to become a Naval Officer. I believe that the process of becoming a Naval Officer, the physical and mental rigors that I will endure and the skills I will learn, will help me advance along this path to greatness. I know that only the best of the best become Naval Officers, and I look forward to the challenge of rising to the height where I can one-day stand in front of the ranks. Becoming a naval officer will make me stronger, smarter, and a better leader. I know that becoming a Naval Officer will help me to be the best I can be. I realize that becoming a Naval Officer isn't going to be easy, that officers have to go through rigorous mental and physical training before they can receive their commissions. I look forward to the challenge. I know that the intensive training I will undergo on the path to becoming a Naval Officer will make me better physically, mentally, and morally.
The final reason I want to be a Naval Officer to serve my country. I want to be part of the elite force that protects our country. I believe I can become a successful officer in the United States Navy. I am not blindly pursuing a career as a Naval Officer, I have done continuous hours of research on this choice, and the more research I do about being a Naval Officer, the surer I am that this is what I want to become.
