My NROTC Essay #1

[NavalNurse92]

I was wondering if everyone could take a look at my essay and possibly give me some feed back.


Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Naval Nurse Officer.

In my house, the military reigns supreme. Our family has been serving this country since the seige of the Alamo. The den downstairs is decorated with all the pictures and medals passed down from deceased veterans in our family and our best conversations stem from the stories my dad has from when he served as a Navy Seal. Our family is truly proud of its military history and it is a history that I want to become a part of. I can think of no better way to do so then by becoming a Naval Nurse Officer and taking care of the people who have helped make our country the wonderful place it is today.

When I first thought about joining the military, I immediately wanted to find a job that I could do that would allow me to make a difference in the lives of the people around me. I have always had a passion for serving others and had previously committed my life to it so it was a must. When I found out that being a Naval Nurse Officer was an option, I started researching more about the NROTC program and learned about all the amazing benefits that came along with it. I realized one important question: how many jobs out there pay for schooling, provide opportunities for travel, and more importantly, are stable? Not many, and now that I've found one that will combine the patriotism I have for my country with all those amazing benefits, I'm going after it.

 

[JhwK08]

<Thumbs up>

 

[Hawk12]

Good essay, just don't forget about being a Naval Officer first then being a nurse. If you could add a bit about also being an officer, it would be better.

 

[joshmf]

Please don't take this harshly, as I wish you nothing but success.

I would work on the basic formatting/ layout of your essay. At only two paragraphs it feels a little unfinished. A typical essay utilizes the five paragraph format: introduction, three points, and a summary. Your essay has two "point" paragraphs, but no separate introduction and closing. Separate them out, and you have the start of a great essay. Example:

Para 1: I would be an outstanding Naval nurse for these reasons: list them. (Don't literally write that, but it's what you should be saying.)

Para 2: I have a long familiy tradition in the military, and would like the opportunity to serve also.

Para 3: I would make a great leader (officer) because of all these things I'm doing now. (Leadership roles in youth groups, sports, etc.)

Para 4: I would make a great nurse because of all these things I'm doing now. (Volunteering in a hospital, taking demanding science courses, etc.)

Para 5: I would be an outstanding Naval nurse for these reasons: list them again. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Of course you'll have to work this into your word limit (if you have one), and adjust for what you've actually done. Also, I'd suggest leaving out how the Navy can benefit you (we already know how the Navy benefits people,) and add in how the Navy can benefit from letting you join (why we should hire you over all the other deserving applicants.)

TL;DR: Great start, could use a good deal of polishing. Hopefully I'll see you in a few years when I sprain my ankle or something.

Disclosure: I am not on the NROTC board, so take everything with a grain of Morton's Sea Salt.

 

[MIDNJAC]

You have a good start there, though I would really try to focus a little bit more on YOU and somewhat less on your family. I'd say a good majority of the folks I work with come from families with military backgrounds, so simply having "military in your blood" isn't exactly a qualifier (though I think it IS worthy of mention). They want to know about YOU, and why YOU are qualified. Ellaborate on that, and I think you will be golden. You have a solid foundation, just keep tweaking it a bit.

 

[NavalNurse92]

Thanks for all the feedbacks guys. I will take it all into consideration when adjusting my essay.

 

[m26]

When you get closer to a final draft, I'd be happy to help you clean up the grammar/syntax. It needs some work, but it's not bad for a draft.

Our family has been serving this country since the seige of the Alamo.

I don't think so.

The Alamo was part of the Texas Revolution (someone correct my history if I'm wrong), and while Texas became part of the US, back then people were fighting for Texas rather than the US (i.e. this country).

Maybe you had ancestors in the American military around the time of the Alamo? But in that case your use of the Alamo as a landmark is somewhat confusing.

Maybe I'm nitpicking.

 

[JTB7]

Please don't take this harshly, as I wish you nothing but success.

I would work on the basic formatting/ layout of your essay. At only two paragraphs it feels a little unfinished. A typical essay utilizes the five paragraph format: introduction, three points, and a summary. Your essay has two "point" paragraphs, but no separate introduction and closing. Separate them out, and you have the start of a great essay. Example:

Para 1: I would be an outstanding Naval nurse for these reasons: list them. (Don't literally write that, but it's what you should be saying.)

Para 2: I have a long familiy tradition in the military, and would like the opportunity to serve also.

Para 3: I would make a great leader (officer) because of all these things I'm doing now. (Leadership roles in youth groups, sports, etc.)

Para 4: I would make a great nurse because of all these things I'm doing now. (Volunteering in a hospital, taking demanding science courses, etc.)

Para 5: I would be an outstanding Naval nurse for these reasons: list them again. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Of course you'll have to work this into your word limit (if you have one), and adjust for what you've actually done. Also, I'd suggest leaving out how the Navy can benefit you (we already know how the Navy benefits people,) and add in how the Navy can benefit from letting you join (why we should hire you over all the other deserving applicants.)

TL;DR: Great start, could use a good deal of polishing. Hopefully I'll see you in a few years when I sprain my ankle or something.

Disclosure: I am not on the NROTC board, so take everything with a grain of Morton's Sea Salt.

I did a long essay with 5 paragraphs, only to find there is a 2500(?) character limit. They would definitely have to be 5 short paragraphs.

 

[NavalNurse92]

I understand what you were saying about the Texas Revolution. However, in my essay I was trying to get across the fact that I am related to a defender of the Alamo. My grandfather did a lot of research with his brother on our family history and he found out that my family is related to Robert E. Cochran.

 

[m26]

That's fair. You might benefit from phrasing it in a way that is more semantically correct, though. Some readers might be **** like me, others might realize what you were trying to say and just move on.

 

[navy09]

However, in my essay I was trying to get across the fact that I am related to a defender of the Alamo.

Why?

 

[NUFO06]

Why? Because its awsome.

There were plenty of American volunteers/soldiers (Tennessee Boys) at the Alamo.
Dont we consider the Flying Tigers apart of the American Military History and they fought under a Chinese flag. What about the Americans who flew for the French in WWI and the British in WWII.

 

[NUFO06]

Talking about wanting to serve and give back is always good, like the California Gov says. Agree with the statement above at the end you should focus more on what you can give to the Navy ("A global force for good") and not what they can give you, like a stable job.

My wife is a Nurse and she has tremendous job statisfaction. Its a tough program to get through but such a rewarding career.
Nurses are always in demand.
Good Luck

 

[NavalNurse92]

Thanks for all the feedback. I understand what you said about making the essay more about the Navy and less about me. I'll try to work some of that in. The only reason I didnt do so much of that in this first essay is because the second essay I had to write was more along the lines of what I can give back to them so I didnt want to repeat myself.