motivational statement.

[NAVOFF]

Here is my first draft of my motivational statement. Any suggestions?

Becoming a Commissioned Officer in the United States Navy is a question of character. It’s not just a pay, a job, or a uniform, but it is about the service to your country. Being a Commissioned Officer in the Navy is about showing love to your country and the love for freedom that Navy protects everyday. Learning how to follow, respect, and lead others in the heat of the battle and in garrison, is what a Commissioned Officer is all about. The love for my country, a willingness to learn, and the desire to lead is what drives me to become a distinguished Commissioned Officer of the United Sates Navy.

I was born in Russia in 1982. Although I was too young to remember how communism was like, my dad has told me a lot of stories about how there was no freedom to speak up for or against the government, no freedom to own your own business or a house, and of course, no freedom of religion. Growing up in this country made me realize how blessed I am to live here. No other country has the freedom that we enjoy here in the U.S. The freedom that thousands and thousands of brave men and women has died for. Most people do not realize the freedom they enjoy. Hearing the criticism on the news about the military today is what motivates even more to love my country and to serve proudly.

While serving in the Army, I realized that a career in the military is what I wanted. I left the Army, after I proudly served for 3 and half years, to pursue my degree in Transportation and Logistics and get on a path to getting commissioned. The Navy is where I would be honored to serve my country as an officer. With the training the Navy provides today, my eagerness to learn, follow and lead, my prior experience in the Army, and the love for freedom, I know I will grab hold of the opportunities and challenges being a Navy have to offer me as the officer of the most powerful Navy in the world.

 

[VGULIN]

Interesting back story. My story/motivation is similar (family fled Cuba's communism).

My suggestion is trying to cut down on the use of the word "freedom." Maybe you can change it for something else, or rewrite the sentance. It just seems a bit repetitive.

 

[thenuge]

Here is my first draft of my motivational statement. Any suggestions?

Becoming a Commissioned Officer in the United States Navy is a question of character. It’s not just a pay, a job, or a uniform, but it is about the service to your country. Being a Commissioned Officer in the Navy is about showing love to your country and the love for freedom that Navy protects everyday. Learning how to follow, respect, and lead others in the heat of the battle and in garrison, is what a Commissioned Officer is all about. The love for my country, a willingness to learn, and the desire to lead is what drives me to become a distinguished Commissioned Officer of the United Sates Navy.

I was born in Russia in 1982. Although I was too young to remember what communism was like, my dad has told me a lot of stories about how there was no freedom to speak up for or against the government, no freedom to own your own business or a house, and of course, no freedom of religion. Growing up in this country made me realize how blessed I am to live here. No other country has the freedom that we enjoy here in the U.S. The freedom that thousands and thousands of brave men and women has died for. Most people do not realize the freedom they enjoy. Hearing the criticism on the news about the military today is what motivates even more to love my country and to serve proudly.

While serving in the Army, I realized that a career in the military is what I wanted. I left the Army, after I proudly served for 3 and half years, to pursue my degree in Transportation and Logistics and get on a path to getting commissioned. The Navy is where I would be honored to serve my country as an officer. With the training the Navy provides today, my eagerness to learn, follow and lead, my prior experience in the Army, and the love for freedom, I know I will grab hold of the opportunities and challenges being a Navy have to offer me as the officer of the most powerful Navy in the world.

In the first paragraph tell them you have character. Just because it's a "question" of character does not mean that you have it. You are a prior enlisted. Refer to real life experiences that gave you the character needed to lead. You go on too long about what a Navy officer is about, but you do not imply that you posses any of those virtues...not effectively anyway. Also punctuation made it hard to read. The last part of paragraph one you start getting around to some good stuff. Scrap the rest of that paragraph.

Second paragraph has good material. Instead of "for or against the gov't"...just say against. The punctuation makes it hard to read, and it's just worded really poorly. Omit "as an officer"...it's redundant. Omit the part about the negative news coverage of the military. You can't think of a better reason to be an officer in the navy that that? Come on!

The paper needs to read more like the final paragraph. Talk about your accomplishments and why the navy needs your service! What do you bring to the table? Like I said, you were a prior. What the hell did you do for "3.5 years". You should have something to cite out of your evals! Talk about reality here.
Don't get me wrong, I love my country. However, I am sure the board sees 1,000 statements that talk about "love this", "service that". People go overboard. Mention it but don't make it gratuitous.
And overall grammar is bad.

You'll be aight.

 

[NAVOFF]

Thank you for all the help. I am glad I posted it on here first before putting it on the application. I will try to improve it.

 

[NAVOFF]

New Draft

Here is my new draft. I have revised it a little. Please post comments and suggestions.

Becoming a Commissioned Officer in the United States Navy is a question of character. It’s not just a pay, a job, or a uniform, but it is about the service to your country. A service where great commitment and sacrifice is not only desired, but it’s required. The love for my country, a willingness to learn, and the desire to lead is what drives me to become a distinguished Commissioned Officer of the United Sates Navy.

I was born in Russia in 1982. Although I was too young to remember how communism was like, my dad has told me a lot of stories about how there was no freedom to speak up against the government, no freedom to own anything, and no constitution that protects your religious freedom. Growing up in the U.S. made me realize how blessed I am to live here. The freedom that we enjoy today, given to us by thousands and thousands of brave men and women, has motivated me to do service in the Army and to excel higher as an officer in the Navy.

While serving in the Army as a Combat Engineer, I realized that a career in the military is what I wanted. I love the pride, the leadership, and the teamwork that the military represents today. Wanting to become an officer in the military, I left the Army, after having 3 and a half years of service, to pursue my degree in Transportation and Logistics. During those 3 and a half years, I have proudly served in Kuwait and Iraq. Knowing that becoming an officer is no easy task, I sacrificed a lot of time and energy to keep the promise I have made to myself by maintaining a high GPA of a 3.70 while successfully maintaining a job, staying in shape, and volunteering at church. After doing some research, I clearly saw that the Navy best fits the way I want to serve my country. With the training the Navy provides today, my eagerness to learn, follow and lead, my prior experience in the Army, and the love for freedom, I know I will grab hold of the opportunities and challenges that the Navy has to offer me as the officer of the most powerful Navy in the world.

 

[thenuge]

Here is my new draft. I have revised it a little. Please post comments and suggestions.

Becoming a Commissioned Officer in the United States Navy is a question of character. It’s not just a..say "about" pay, a job, or a uniform, but it is about the service to your country. A service where great commitment and sacrifice is not only desired, but...omit "but" it’s required. The love for my country, a willingness to learn, and the desire to lead is what drives me to become a distinguished Commissioned Officer of the United Sates Navy.

I was born in Russia in 1982. Although I was too young to remember how...say "what"communism was like, my dad has told me a lot one word of stories about how there was no freedom to speak up against the government...say "freedom of speach", no freedom to own anything, and no constitution that protects your religious freedom. ..."freedom of religion"Growing up in the U.S.Instead say ..."serving abroad" made me realize how blessed I am to live here....say "be an American" The freedom that we enjoy today, given to us by thousands and thousands of brave men and women, has motivated me to do service in the Army grammar and to excel higher...lose "higher" as an officer in the Navy.

While serving in the Army as a Combat Engineer, I realized that a career in the military is what I wanted. I love the pride, the leadership, and the teamwork that the military represents today. Wanting to become an officer in the military, I left the Army, after having 3 and a half years of service, to pursue my degree in Transportation and Logistics. During those 3 and a half years, I have proudly served in Kuwait and Iraq. Knowing that becoming an officer is no easy task, I sacrificed a lot of time and energy to keep the promise I have made to myself by maintaining a high GPA of a 3.70 while successfully maintaining a job, staying in shape, and volunteering at church. After doing some research, I clearly saw that the Navy best fits the way I want to serve my country. With the training the Navy provides today, my eagerness to learn, follow and lead, my prior experience in the Army, and the love for freedom, I know I will grab hold of the opportunities and challenges that the Navy has to offer me as the officer of the most powerful Navy in the world. Last sentence is way too long and worded poorly

1

 

[thull]

i think you should scrap altogether assertions about what a Navy officer is when you have not yet been accepted as one. Either start these sentences off with "I believe" or something that hints at your understanding of this fact, or don't say them at all. good luck...

Troy

 

[NAVOFF]

Nudge, thanks you for your help. I have made the changes you recommended to me. Do you think that I have talked enough, given the word limit, about my accomplishments?

 

[thenuge]

Nudge,Nuge thanks you for your help. I have made the changes you recommended to me. Do you think that I have talked enough, given the word limit, about my accomplishments?

I don't know, man. Hopefully some officers can chime in and give your their
.02- I was just pointing out general mistakes and vocabulary that might improve the statement.

 

[utak]

Hello, I have a question I like to address.

What is the word limit to your motivational statement on your application? I know the OCS applicant for current enlisted has a 250 word motivation statement and another 250 word statement on the core values. And your motivation statement is above the 250 word limitation. Is the applicants for college students who aren't active duty 500 words or something, or are you going to break it into increments?

V/R

 

[greysword]

The application I submitted requests a 400 word motivational statement

 

[KSUFLY]

thenuge: "a lot" is two words not one

 

[thenuge]

"a lot" not "alot" got it. Me shood hav use spel chek
Sorry NAVOFF, I'm a dumb@$$.