I've helped with a few of these, and I found that the best way is to be frank about it all. No offense is meant.
I was taught that freedom is not free. It is paid for by the blood, sweat and tears of our humble servicemen and women of this great country. Honor, Courage, Commitment and Patriotism are values instilled in me by my late uncle, a retired Navy Senior Chief. There's only one way I know and want to respond--and that's to join the United States Navy.
Rubbish. This tells me nothing about yourself while at the same time not setting the framework of the rest of your motivational statement. This means it's an intro that isn't doing its job. Not only that, but it's hypocritical as well. I know that's not your intention. But answer this to yourself: If your uncle instilled such patriotic values into you, then why didn't you sign up right out of high school, or enter into ROTC or BDCP? This will be the first thing that those Captains will read, and they'll have this thought going through their heads.
The problem is you're writing what you think they want to hear rather than really selling the idea of you. Most people do this, and most people don't get accepted. Unless you've had prior enlistment due to these strong patriotic feelings, then they don't belong there. Even then, you'd have to try very hard to not sound cliche. You'd have to focus that your strong patriotic values gave you no other choice but to enlist right out of high school, but then the words you spend explaining all of that would be much better spent highlighting your actual accomplishments than some nebulous feelings.
To recap: citing patriotism or some prior service relative's influence is cliche and often rings hollow.
Today I am seeking a commission as an Officer because I am fulfilling a dream I have had for as long as I can remember - joining the Navy as a leader.
wasted words. Spend these on selling the idea of you.
As a Juvenile Probation Officer, I am pushed to the limits and handle a variety of adverse situations that make me a perfect candidate. I am also an accepted mentor for youths enrolled in the Texas Challenge Academy in Sheffield, Texas. Though I never led a division of sailors, I have led many young minds that may one day be one. I love the challenge of motivating others and rallying them to achieve their goals when their heart is not in it. To direct them from a self-defeating attitude of, 'I cannot do it' to one of 'I can!' Steering a group of youths is different than leading sailors, but I can tell you it has helped me prepare for this challenge.
Good. Golden, even. No matter how much you change this motivational statement, keep this (or at least change it very little). Perhaps it could use with some condensing, but it's to the point, and it highlights you and your accomplishments.
I will bring the dedication and loyalty I was raised to live by to the United States Navy as an Officer and wear this prestigious title with Honor as I serve my Country and its Constitution.
This isn't the closing paragraph, so why recap? They aren't going to forget the point you've made in the past 80 words, and this ins't transitioning into the next paragraph. On top of it, it's the same problem as I talked about earlier. Far too many people will speak of "patriotism." It's cliche and it tells them nothing. They aren't going to give you the spot on well wishes and positive thinking. They want to hear of your accomplishments, because that's a far better metric to measure you on than nebulous feelings. Wasted words.
The program I would like to contribute to is Surface Warfare.
Only SWO? No others? If it's only SWO, then I'd say you're selling yourself short. You're given 3 jobs to apply for, and if you truly have those patriotic feelings than the job isn't as important as the position. Unless you don't fit the minimum requirements for any other jobs, then you should apply to 3 simply to increase your chances of getting accepted. However, if you are applying to other jobs, then those other ones will be put off by this. The Intel board wouldn't hire someone saying in their statement that they're applying for SWO.
Aside from those points, making such a statement is unnecessary. Each designation holds their own boards. Thus, the SWO board and no others would read this one, so they'd know that you're applying to SWO. Again, another case of wasted words.
I am very well attuned to detail and conducting others. Through my attainment of a B.A. in Criminology from the University Of Texas Permian Basin and an internship with The Department of Homeland Security, I have had excellent preparation for these skills of expertise. I can communicate well and plan in many different ways. Whether it be judges, parents, law enforcement, or youths I communicate with the public daily and do so effectively. Everything I have is always in order and planned far ahead of time in case any changes need to be made.
Golden. You'll probably have to expand on this a bit more though. Really focus later that you worked for Homeland Security.
I believe I will excel in this field.
Wasted words.
On top of all this, you need a final paragraph to wrap up all of your previous points.
...It feels too lean now. Is that a problem?
Technically, no...but really, yes. You have a limited number of words to sell the idea of you to the Navy. Unless you can write in the most succinct manner possible, then you want to use all 400 words at your disposal.
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So, my suggestions? Re-write it.
Don't spend so long on each paragraph. Hit hard, fast, and heavy. Say nothing that doesn't add to the quality of your paper. Say nothing that doesn't add to your paper or your argument. 70-100 words per paragraph depending on the number of points your're trying to make.
Also, I disagree with the comments made about cheer leading to a point. I'll agree that if you're a guy, then you probably shouldn't mention it. If not, then focus far more on the athleticism and potential competitiveness of it. Football players lift weights, cheerleaders lift girls. In other words, this can show that you're fit and can adhere to a training regiment. Also, cheerleading has the highest chance of injury than any varsity sport. Did you ever get injured yet still worked though it? What about performing maneuvers that had a high likelihood of injury? Were you able to step up and perform in those situations? How about any competitions? Did you or your squad ever participate in one? Did you ever win one? Mentioning your history as a cheerleader could count against you simply due to the stereotype it generates, but if you present it right then it could work in your favor. It's a flip of a coin, roll of the dice - a gamble. It's up to you if you want to take it.
Expound more on the things that you want to highlight. Even seemingly small details may be important depending on how you sell them. Something as small as leaving town/state to go to college can add a lot to your character if you sell it right. Each of your accomplishments or actions can tell them a lot about you. For this reason, you don't want to mention your major and the fact you worked with Homeland Security (both in passing) in the same sentence. What did you do at both of those? How did you grow as a person from both of those? What have you taken away from those experiences? These speak volumes more than kowtowing to unmeasurable aspirations of patriotism (unless, of course, you have actions that can backup those aspirations, because then it wouldn't be unmeasurable).
In a word, be succinct. Make each and every one of your words mean something. Expound as much on each point to the degree it is no longer beneficial to do so, which means make your point and then move on. Sell the idea of you. Make them think that you're better than the other names and numbers on all the other forms they have.
If it helps, I'll also post my Motivational Statement below. You can even critique it as much as you like. It won't mean much, because I've been accepted. I'll be classing up in October.
Good luck on future rewrites if you chose to follow my suggestions. Please don't feel angry or hurt by my statements. I truly am being blunt in order to help you get the best motivational statement you can. Then again, if you can't take tough love then you may not work well with the Marine DIs
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My statement:
I have a degree in Aerospace Engineering from UCLA, Eagle Scout award when I was 15, love for reading and for science, computers and technology. What I lack, however, is a way to cohesively mold these different aspects of my life into something focused. From what I've studied, the Navy has what I feel I need, which is first hand knowledge; a break from theoretical learning and a pathway into a world of real life application.
As an Aerospace Engineer, I have a solid understanding of the physics of flight and space. While my focus is space flight and environment, I maintain a firm grip on all other aspects within engineering; the forces within structures, the way heat and matter permiate from their source, the interaction of fluids on aerodynamic bodies, and the mechanical knowledge of engines, both in cars and planes.
To best learn the capabilities of oneself, they must venture outside of their comfort areas. Time and time again I’ve chosen this path, first with pushing myself to become an eagle scout at an early age, over the years through camping and backpacking, and finally in more recent years by moving from a small town to attend school at UCLA rather than the local college, and while in LA taking up a martial art and carrying through with it for going on five years. To continue on with my degree at this point usually requires me to either stay in school, or get a job in a cubicle, sitting for hours in front of a computer. Neither is a break from the norm, and thus I am adverse to both decisions.
Eventually I’ll have to take a desk job in some company. In my field, such a company would most likely be either government run or a defense contractor. For this reason, the Navy is a good choice as it will prepare me for that eventuality.
In the end, I have a direction I want my life to go in. Childish or not, I continue to fight the cold impartiality of life, along with the cynicism it causes, and still have some drive to follow my dreams. It is for this reason that I must continually strive to improve myself, why I have chosen the Navy as my next step, and why I must carry out my duties with promptness and to the fullest of my abilities.
