motivational statement pt. Zwei

[XeroCool]

Hey I saw how much help you guys gave out to that other guy about his statement and I figured Id throw mine out there to see if you guys could comment on it. That being said, writing is my weakest subject so be as hard as possible. I appriecated everything

I hope to become a naval officer because I believe that it would be a good opportunity to defend my country while engaging in a career that is both cutting edge and incredibly rewarding.
Leadership, the cornerstone of the U.S. Navy, is fundamental to ensure victory. I believe that the Navy will ensure that I excel in all aspects of leadership. The lessons learned while serving will not exclude themselves from the rest of my life, and I believe these lessons will prove to be invaluable in and after the military.
I find a job that requires you to maintain a certain regular routine of physical activity is an excellent way to provide a source to vent stress while also maintaining a healthy body. Maintaining a physically fit body will ensure proper respect is shown to the individual and also the Navy. To be a leader I must lead by example, and being in top shape is key, perhaps even more for officers. No one would want to take orders from or be lead into danger by someone that does not respect themselves enough to keep their body in peak physical condition.
I intend to become a naval aviator, because it has been a dream of mine to fly. I see the Navy being a great prospect to have a career while also enabling myself to travel around the world while flying for the Navy. The Navy will also allow me to continue my education while serving. Ever since my father took me to the UH-60 simulator at Simmons Airfield in North Carolina, I knew flying was what i wanted to pursue. Having grown up in a military family I understand the sacrifices that must be made by a service member and their family. The ability to serve and defend my country outweighs the sacrifices that I will make. I find a great deal of pride in serving my country. This career is an important responsibility and I would be honored to be given the chance to become a naval officer

Thanks again,
X

 

[zab1001]

Toss that whole bit about "physical activity".

Thanks again = Very Respectfully,

 

[CaptainRon]

Xerocool, you need to tell the Navy why they need you.

About half of my essay told a story about how I had an impossible job last summer running a painting company, and even though I wasn't succesful in the end that it taught me two things. I said it taught me that, "I have the work ethic to do anything and in order to be happy in life, I am going to have to love my job." Then I talked about how the Navy will be so much more satisfying than any civilian job.

 

[RockyMtnNFO]

5 paragraphs

1 tell me what you are going to tell me

2-4 Tell me why you want to join and why the Navy needs you. Each paragraph has one main idea and you should use simple sentences that support that idea.

5 Tell me what you told me in summary.

"I see the Navy being a great prospect to have a career while also enabling myself to travel around the world while flying for the Navy" is not a sentence, it is one weak sentence smashed together with a fragment. Make your verb tenses agree.

Yea, take out the bit about the physical training.

A good rule of thumb: if you find a phrase that you think is particularly clever or smooth, strike it out.

Nobody is getting in based on the strength of the motivational statement so don't try to overdo it. Make it clear what you want, why you want it and how it will help the Navy.

One more thing, avoid overusing "I".

R/

Lt Mitchell

 

[Officertob]

The wording sounds good but you really need to skip that middle section:
I find a job that requires you to maintain a certain regular routine of physical activity is an excellent way to provide a source to vent stress while also maintaining a healthy body. Maintaining a physically fit body will ensure proper respect is shown to the individual and also the Navy. To be a leader I must lead by example, and being in top shape is key, perhaps even more for officers. No one would want to take orders from or be lead into danger by someone that does not respect themselves enough to keep their body in peak physical condition.
Put this at the beginning. This is what started the "ball" rolling for you: Ever since my father took me to the UH-60 simulator at Simmons Airfield in North Carolina, I knew flying was what i wanted to pursue. Having grown up in a military family I understand the sacrifices that must be made by a service member and their family.
You are essentially giving a short synopsis of your journey towards becoming an officer so you want to go in sequential order(past,present,and future).

 

[Sarah Ruth]

I'm not an expert at writing Navy essays, but I always got good grades in grammar and composition, and what jumps out at me in your essay is the construction of some of the sentences. For example:

Leadership, the cornerstone of the U.S. Navy, is fundamental to ensure victory. I believe that the Navy will ensure that I excel in all aspects of leadership.

The lessons learned while serving will not exclude themselves from the rest of my life, and I believe these lessons will prove to be invaluable in and after the military.

I see the Navy being a great prospect to have a career while also enabling myself to travel around the world while flying for the Navy.

You're telling them something they already know in that first sentence, without connecting it to your motivation. Maybe you could reword it to say something like "I believe leadership is fundamental to ensure victory" and then why you think joining the Navy (as opposed to other careers) is your best bet to hone your leadership skills.

The "lessons learned" sentence is redundant; use either the first or the second half.

The last example sentence is awkward/wordy; it just needs to be cleaned up to make it more clear.

Picky stuff overall, I know. Still, I was taught that attention to picky details will give your writing polish

 

[usnphoenix]

Really sell the idea that you want to be a Naval Officer first and aviatior second. They will want to know that you will still be motivated to be an outstanding officer when you are not in the cockpit.

 

[airgreg]

Naval Aviator