Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[xxxCharliexxx]

These words serve as my reminder to carefully consider my behaviors and their consequences before acting. I learned at an early age that no cause is without effect, and apart from a steadfast attention to the law of consequences, my drive to succeed in every aspect of life will be in vain. By being mindful of the impact of my choices, however, my life is positively impacted in three ways.

The impact is seen first in the strength of my commitment. I have always believed a goal quickly abandoned was a goal never truly desired. It is my commitment to excellence, to faithful service, and to pressing forward in the face of challenges that have led me to seek a commission as an Officer in the United States Navy. It is a career that would allow me to not only serve my country, but to learn and impart invaluable leadership skills.

"I have always believed a goal quickly abandoned was a goal never truly desired."
"I believe a goal quickly abandoned is a goal never truly desired."

The tests of that commitment would be many. Officers bear unusual responsibility, as well as the constant awareness that one lapse in judgment could result in great loss. These stakes, however, are high for a reason. Commitment to a great cause is never without risk. Being a Naval Officer would enable me to work within an organization whose values I cherish and to whom I can commit myself unreservedly.

Second, knowledge of the law of consequences correlates directly to my ability to endure and persevere through hardships. In my life, this quality of endurance was forged most decidedly over the past few years. Within one short season of learning of my mother's illness, in the midst of a twelve-credit hour summer, and while adapting to my new role as a father, my mother was gone. During those hard times, I know that had I chosen to lose faith in God, trust in humanity, or belief in myself, the consequences for me and for my new family would have been dire. Instead, I chose to learn from the pain, to think decisively in times of dire stress, to focus on the task regardless of my environment, and to successfully adapt to changing conditions. My actions have remained consistent since then, for these were life-shaping lessons.

"My actions have remained consistent since then, for these were life-shaping lessons."
"My actions have since remained consistent, for these were life-shaping lessons."

The third principle impact of being aware of the power of my choices is my ability to learn and grow from my mistakes. Without the legacy of wisdom these past few years willed to me, I would not be the man I am today. Because of that wisdom, however, I have learned that defeat is a state of mind which I can not and will not entertain.

These three truths have proved to be invaluable lessons in patience, commitment, and responsibility. Amidst the hardships and challenges I have been fortunate enough to experience and learn what many people my age have not. My life experience has provided me with a more sincere passion for excellence and a refined sense of judgment. The result is one of which I am proud. In just three short years, I have completed a Bachelor’s degree in International Business with a minor in Economics on a full academic scholarship. These accomplishments, however, must lead to something exceptional to truly be of merit.

I told you I wasn't eloquent when typing that paragraph so I have to adjust some things....

"Amidst the hardships and challenges I have been fortunate enough to experience and learn what many people my age have not."
Comma after "challenges"

"My life experience has provided me with a more sincere passion for excellence and a refined sense of judgment. The result is one of which I am proud."
"My life experiences provide me with a sincere passion for excellence as well as a refined sense of judgement." The second sentence doesn't read well....just doesn't fit right....too choppy. You could say "I am proud that my life experiences provide...." instead.

"In just three short years, I have completed a Bachelor’s degree in International Business with a minor in Economics on a full academic scholarship. These accomplishments, however, must lead to something exceptional to truly be of merit. "
"In just three short years, I completed an accelerated Bachelor's degree in International Business and a minor in Economics while on a full academic scholarship. My accomplishments, however, must lead to something exceptional to truly be of merit."

I realize that a career in the Navy will provide me with incomparable opportunities to further myself in ways I never understood. It is for this reason that a career spent serving this great country is far more rewarding than any offer made on the civilian side. I look forward to the opportunity to serve my country as an officer to utilize my life experiences to impart some of that knowledge and positively influence the enlisted sailors.

As a Naval Officer, I would remain committed to my responsibilities and ensure that my task is unfailingly completed. I would always seek the victory that lies just beyond defeat’s shadow. This is the power of a man who has learned from his choices. This is the power that can make a leader extraordinary.

"I realize that a career in the Navy will provide me with incomparable opportunities to further myself in ways I never understood."
"...to further myself in incomprehensible ways."

"It is for this reason that a career spent serving this great country is far more rewarding than any offer made on the civilian side."
Wording is weak. Civilian careers are ever important to the military - means you can pay your bills, be deployment ready without hardships, it gives you experience that the Navy doesn't have to pay for and in most cases, can't offer you. Try "It is for this reason that I would be honored to spend a career in service to this great country." ( I use "in service" because you use "serving my country" in the next sentence)

"I look forward to the opportunity to serve my country as an officer to utilize my life experiences to impart some of that knowledge and positively influence the enlisted sailors."
Run-on sentence. Try "I look forward to the opportunity to serve my country as an officer to utilize my life experiences to positively influence the enlisted soldiers.

"I would always seek the victory that lies just beyond defeat's shadow."
You want this to be an present and future thing..."I will always seek the victory that lies..."

Good job!

-Charlie

 

[scarfus]

***cracks her whip and sharpens her red pencil for the slaying***

Oh boy...here we go!

Excellent suggestions throughout, from both twobecrazy and charlie. See my revisions below.

First, there's one thing that I must contest... M.O. is staying in there whether you like it or not! :icon_lol:
I believe it works...latin phrases like that are used commonly in this sort of writing when engrish doesn't work as well. "My 'general way of going about my business'" doesnt sound anywhere near as good as "My modus operandi".

I have to say, your suggestion that I avoid "rubbing off" on anyone made me have to stop typing for a second...haha. Sound advice!

Anyway, here's rev. 3. It's looking a svelte 644 words instead of the awkward, obese 1000 word walrus it began life as. Have at it.

My attraction to becoming a Naval Officer, and ultimately a Naval Aviator, comes from far more than the desire to abandon my less fulfilling engineering job or to fly advanced military aircraft. Someday, when I am old and sitting in my rocking chair, I wish to be able to look back and say that I had been a part of something great; I had made a difference.

I am inspired by my grandfather, who served during WW2 as an infantryman in the European Theater. He was the program coordinator of VFW Post 9086; as such, my family attended many VFW events during my youth. Watching these grayed veterans and the pride and honor they felt for their service to their country moved me. The respect that these men commanded for what they had done so long ago was truly inspirational. Since then, I have always had the desire to join the military and serve as so many honorable men and women before me. Now, after establishing my professional career, I am only more certain that my true calling lies with leading the fine men and women of the United States Navy.

I decided to attend Northeastern University for its strong academics as well as for its renowned co-op program. This combination afforded me tremendous academic and professional experiences, as it kept me both in the classroom and employed in industry year-round. Despite this rigorous schedule, it became clear to me that I was missing competitive athletics, a void which once had been filled by baseball. Through my passion for baseball and dedication to the university and community, I reached out to other like-minded individuals and established the Northeastern Club Baseball team during my sophomore year. I worked tirelessly to establish and maintain the team while remaining dedicated to the highly demanding engineering program and working for a prominent Navy contractor.

Holding oneself to the highest standard is not only of great personal benefit, but also the paramount tenet of effective leadership. Thanks to the drive and desire to win that I displayed in my demeanor, on the field, and in the gym, I was nominated as captain of the club baseball team. My positive attitude influenced my teammates resulting in the most cohesive, effective team unit with which I have ever had the pleasure of working. Its success is one of my greatest testaments to the value of hard work and leadership by example. I hope once again to cultivate such performance and camaraderie among fellow servicemen and women in the U.S. Navy.

After attending college and establishing my professional career, my drive, dedication and determination to join the U.S. Navy has only grown stronger. My ultimate goal is not only to lead sailors, but to do so as a Naval Aviator. I have set forth using the same pragmatic, dedicated approach that has served me well in the past to help me achieve it. I have prepared myself physically through a dedicated workout regimen. I have prepared myself mentally through introductory flight lessons and extensive simulator work. While doing so, I took on a second part-time engineering job to finance vision correction surgery. If given this highly coveted opportunity, my established modus operandi would translate to great success as a leader of sailors. It would also serve me well in the academically and physically demanding training environment faced by all student Naval Aviators.

I truly believe that I have found my purpose in life. Service in the United States Navy would not only make full use of my physical, intellectual, and leadership abilities, but it would provide the fulfillment and pride that only service to one's country can provide. To serve at the tip of the spear in the ranks of so many other great Americans would bring great honor that I can truly be proud of for the rest of my days.

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

Scarfus, thanks for the revision. I'm wrapping up Robby's right now (he's turning his in tomorrow) but will look at it right after. There's a book called "Guide to Grammar and Style"by Lynch that states "English sentences should be in English." Additionally, another book I love, "Elements of Style" states the same thing. Keep the foreign words in your essay if it's that important to you. But if there is some stickler on the board that hates this as much as I (it becomes a huge pet peeve for writers/editors), good luck!
Be with you in just a few more minutes....

-Charlie

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

Oh boy...here we go!

Modus,
Thanks for being a good sport. I was wondering when you said "no mercy"...if you really meant it. You are a man of your word.

My attraction to becoming a Naval Officer, and ultimately a Naval Aviator, comes from far more than the desire to abandon my less fulfilling engineering job or to fly advanced military aircraft. Someday, when I am old and sitting in my rocking chair, I wish to be able to look back and say that I had been a part of something great; I had made a difference.

Did I miss this before?!? "...desire to abandon my less fulfilling engineering job..." - I've said this a couple times to some other people. Are you going in as a reservist? If you are, they want...no, they NEED to know that you LOVE your day job. That is the job that pays the bills, keeps you deployment ready, and imparts valuable skills and training that the US Navy doesn't not want to spend the money training you to do!! Bumpy start. I can't recall your first version stating that.

I am inspired by my grandfather, who served during WW2 as an infantryman in the European Theater. He was the program coordinator of VFW Post 9086; as such, my family attended many VFW events during my youth. Watching these grayed veterans and the pride and honor they felt for their service to their country moved me. The respect that these men commanded for what they had done so long ago was truly inspirational. Since then, I have always had the desire to join the military and serve as so many honorable men and women before me. Now, after establishing my professional career, I am only more certain that my true calling lies with leading the fine men and women of the United States Navy.

"Watching these grayed veterans and the pride and honor they felt for their service to their country moved me. "
I suggest "inspired me." or some other verbiage since you use the word inspiration in the next sentence.

"The respect that these men commanded for what they had done so long ago was truly inspirational."
You re-wrote a lot that I don't recall in your first version. But men/women don't/shouldn't "command" respect. Respect is earned.

"Since then, I have always had the desire to join the military and serve as so many honorable men and women before me."
...and serve my country as so many..."

I decided to attend Northeastern University for its strong academics as well as for its renowned co-op program. This combination afforded me tremendous academic and professional experiences, as it kept me both in the classroom and employed in industry year-round. Despite this rigorous schedule, it became clear to me that I was missing competitive athletics, a void which once had been filled by baseball. Through my passion for baseball and dedication to the university and community, I reached out to other like-minded individuals and established the Northeastern Club Baseball team during my sophomore year. I worked tirelessly to establish and maintain the team while remaining dedicated to the highly demanding engineering program and working for a prominent Navy contractor.

"it became clear to you that you were missing competitive athletics"? It never dawns on anyone in college that they are "missing competitive athletics." That sounds like you are going through a checklist. Desire to be in the military, check. Leadership skills from professional career (the career I just dogged in my first sentence of the essay), check. What am I missing?? Oh I should throw athletics in there, check! Ok, I'll be nice (throws a wink to m26 - this is for you! Don't say I never gave you anything!). The statement, as written, does not flow naturally. Rest of statement (once you find a better transition) isn't as *in your face* and it works.

Holding oneself to the highest standard is not only of great personal benefit, but also the paramount tenet of effective leadership. Thanks to the drive and desire to win that I displayed in my demeanor, on the field, and in the gym, I was nominated as captain of the club baseball team. My positive attitude influenced my teammates resulting in the most cohesive, effective team unit with which I have ever had the pleasure of working. Its success is one of my greatest testaments to the value of hard work and leadership by example. I hope once again to cultivate such performance and camaraderie among fellow servicemen and women in the U.S. Navy.

"Thanks to the drive and desire to win that I displayed in my demeanor, on the field, and in the gym, I was nominated as captain of the club baseball team."
I suggest the "desire to succeed"

After attending college and establishing my professional career, my drive, dedication and determination to join the U.S. Navy has only grown stronger. My ultimate goal is not only to lead sailors, but to do so as a Naval Aviator. I have set forth using the same pragmatic, dedicated approach that has served me well in the past to help me achieve it. I have prepared myself physically through a dedicated workout regimen. I have prepared myself mentally through introductory flight lessons and extensive simulator work. While doing so, I took on a second part-time engineering job to finance vision correction surgery. If given this highly coveted opportunity, my established modus operandi would translate to great success as a leader of sailors. It would also serve me well in the academically and physically demanding training environment faced by all student Naval Aviators.

"After attending college and establishing my professional career, my drive, dedication and determination to join the U.S. Navy has only grown stronger."
"grown stronger" -> "strengthened"

" I have set forth using the same pragmatic, dedicated approach that has served me well in the past to help me achieve it."
I suggest: "I have set forth the same pragmatic, dedicated approach, which as served me well in the past, to accomplish (or achieve) this goal."

"I have prepared myself physically through a dedicated workout regimen. I have prepared myself mentally through introductory flight lessons and extensive simulator work. While doing so, I took on a second part-time engineering job to finance vision correction surgery. If given this highly coveted opportunity, my established modus operandi would translate to great success as a leader of sailors. It would also serve me well in the academically and physically demanding training environment faced by all student Naval Aviators."

Modus, you are killing me man. I don't know how many people have to tell you this isn't a good paragraph before you believe it. If you insist on using it...at least word it well. I *strongly* suggest two things....believe me or not - I don't spend my time doing all of this to lie to you. 1) remove the part about taking a second job to pay for corrective surgery, and 2) ditch the informal writing style of using "modus operandi". It sounds awful and you look far too arrogant by using it...my "M.O."?!? who says that anymore anyway?!? You could use the word "approach" to say the same thing without sounding ridiculous. If someone else thinks this is a great idea to use "M.O.", I'll listen to the argument (and laugh, but I'll listen). Sorry Modus, I just can't tell you this paragraph sounds good as written...my honest truth.

I truly believe that I have found my purpose in life. Service in the United States Navy would not only make full use of my physical, intellectual, and leadership abilities, but it would provide the fulfillment and pride that only service to one's country can provide. To serve at the tip of the spear in the ranks of so many other great Americans would bring great honor that I can truly be proud of for the rest of my days.

I already commented on what was wrong with this last paragraph and somehow it doesn't look better - sorry to be such a bummer. First sentence - again, you could be referring to your (previously mentioned) sucky engineering day job. Then, you go on to the next sentence about what the US Navy will do for you (and does this sentence sound a bit cocky to anyone else, or just me?) And I'm not really sure what the last sentence means. "tip of the spear in the ranks?" but the rest of the sentence sounds good.

Again, I don't mean to be a bummer but if I had previously given advice and it's ignored, I'm not going to change my mind until it is written in a way that would benefit YOU...not me. I'm not married to my ideas but if something still sounds bad - it still sounds bad. If something sounds arrogant, I'll tell you it sounds arrogant. If it is worded poorly, I'll tell you it's worded poorly. Hate me or not - I'm trying to help you have the best statement you can make.

-Charlie

 

[rashguard]

Mine, Please tear it up!

Thanks to everyone on this forum. You have helped me greatly. Please review mine below. I'm using the older 400 word style.

Matt
6/6/6/54
24 M SNA/NFO

From an early age I have had a fascination with flight. As I grew older my passion for aviation increased, and by the time I was 13 years old I was determined to have it be my career. I posted a sign on the bulletin board in my bedroom that read “PILOT.” That sign signified the start of a lifelong commitment to reaching my career goal. I started flight lessons when I was 16 years old, eventually achieving a Certified Flight Instructor Instrument (CFII) rating.

At college my leadership abilities came to fruition. I was elected by my peers as the captain of both the university sailing and hockey teams. I was also elected to the Executive Board of my fraternity where I oversaw all group activities to ensure they met the moral, ethical and safety standards of the fraternity.

I have been successful as a leader in a wide variety of roles because I understand that leadership is multifaceted and that a exceptional leader is versatile in their approach. Throughout college, I also excelled in the classroom and in extracurricular activities. These successes, coupled with the knowledge and experience I gained as a leader of my peers, has laid a strong foundation of preparation for a career as a United States Naval Officer.

Though I’m qualified and ready to start my airline career, I strive for something more. I look forward to the development of core values that only becoming a United States Naval Officer will offer. The position will bring a new meaning to the words: duty, honor, courage, leadership, and patriotism. As an officer I hope to teach, lead, mentor and further the careers of those who follow. My foundation of leadership experience and proven dedication to my academic, extracurricular, and aviation pursuits make me a worthy candidate for consideration. It would be of the highest privilege and honor to be chosen to become a United States Naval Officer.

 

[twobecrazy]

From an early age I have had a fascination with flight. As I grew older my passion for aviation increased, and by the time I was 13 years old I was determined to have it be my career. I posted a sign on the bulletin board in my bedroom that read “PILOT.” That sign signified the start of a lifelong commitment to reaching my career goal. I started flight lessons when I was 16 years old, eventually achieving a Certified Flight Instructor Instrument (CFII) rating. [/SIZE][/FONT]

Repetition (see bold)... This paragraph talks about being a Pilot. I understand you are applying for NA and NFO. That being said you never mention anything in the paragraph about the Navy, a Naval Aviator, or an Officer. It seems as though you have reached your goal of being a pilot. So what does this have to do with being selected as a NA or NFO?

At college my leadership abilities came to fruition. I was elected by my peers as the captain of both the university sailing and hockey teams. I was also elected to the Executive Board of my fraternity where I oversaw all group activities to ensure they met the moral, ethical and safety standards of the fraternity.

What leadership abilities? What did it teach you? How did you lead? You spoke to leadership abilities but a little information about these abilities would be nice. A well liked person can get elected as captain and Executive of a frat. But you haven't proven that you actually posses leadership abilities.

I have been successful as a leader in a wide variety of roles because I understand that leadership is multifaceted and that a exceptional leader is versatile in their approach. Throughout college, I also excelled in the classroom and in extracurricular activities. These successes, coupled with the knowledge and experience I gained as a leader of my peers, has laid a strong foundation of preparation for a career as a United States Naval Officer.

I think this paragraph has some good content overall. I think if you get rid of "also" the sentence sounds better.

Though I’m qualified and ready to start my airline career, I strive for something more. I look forward to the development of core values that only becoming a United States Naval Officer will offer. The position will bring a new meaning to the words: duty, honor, courage, leadership, and patriotism. As an officer I hope to teach, lead, mentor and further the careers of those who follow. My foundation of leadership experience and proven dedication to my academic, extracurricular, and aviation pursuits make me a worthy candidate for consideration. It would be of the highest privilege and honor to be chosen to become a United States Naval Officer.

I don't like this sentence because for me I think well heck he is qualified for this job... Let him go do it... That is just my thought but I wouldn't mention anything about another career possibility unless you are leaving one for this one.

I would comment more but I have to go to work. Sorry. I will provide more later.

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

Thanks for saying "tear it up"....makes me feel less guilty

From an early age I have had a fascination with flight. As I grew older my passion for aviation increased, and by the time I was 13 years old I was determined to have it be my career. I posted a sign on the bulletin board in my bedroom that read “PILOT.” That sign signified the start of a lifelong commitment to reaching my career goal. I started flight lessons when I was 16 years old, eventually achieving a Certified Flight Instructor Instrument (CFII) rating.

"From an early age I have had a fascination with flight."
If you keep this sentence, put a comma after "age" since it's a preposition.
But I would suggest "My fascination with flight began at an early age."
Spell out numbers.

Honestly, you could merge those sentences: "My fascination with flight began at an early age and by the time I was thirteen, I was determined it would be my career."
It's still written in passive voice though. But if you submit another version, I'm sure I might tweak it again if it's still passive....Either way, it's more concise to say it this way regardless.

I disagree (always respectfully) with Twobe on the rest of the paragraph. Pilots can become NFO/NA...it shows your commitment to flying in general...now you just want to fly the best...NAVY! This is a good starting sentence to show that you have what's called "follow-through".

However, you are killing me with these numbers....type them out! "16" --> "Sixteen" and by what age did you achieve CFII goal? State that as well in the last sentence.

At college my leadership abilities came to fruition. I was elected by my peers as the captain of both the university sailing and hockey teams. I was also elected to the Executive Board of my fraternity where I oversaw all group activities to ensure they met the moral, ethical and safety standards of the fraternity.

"At college my leadership ability came to fruition."
I suggest: "During college, I developed strong leadership skills."

Again, I disagree with Twobe...(don't kill me, you know I love you man!) - you speak of those skills in the next sentence by being captain of these teams. Sure, a well liked person can be elected, but usually if you are a follower, you don't get elected in the first place. And you elaborate by stating "where I oversaw all group activities to ensure they met the moral, ethical and safety standards of the fraternity".

"I was elected by my peers as the captain of both the university sailing and hockey teams. I was also elected to the Executive Board of my fraternity where I oversaw all group activities to ensure they met the moral, ethical and safety standards of the fraternity."
Both of these sentences are written in passive voice. Actually, I haven't come across much of your statement that ISN'T written in passive voice.

I suggest: "My peers elected me as captain of both the university sailing team and the hockey team at [state the school]. My fraternity also elected me to the Executive Board where I led by overseeing all group activities to ensure they met all moral, ethical, and safety standards of the fraternity and university." or something like that - I'm not extremely happy with how I worded it but I'll look at it again tomorrow.

I have been successful as a leader in a wide variety of roles because I understand that leadership is multifaceted and that a exceptional leader is versatile in their approach. Throughout college, I also excelled in the classroom and in extracurricular activities. These successes, coupled with the knowledge and experience I gained as a leader of my peers, has laid a strong foundation of preparation for a career as a United States Naval Officer.

Two of the three sentences...passive voice. At this point, I suggest you google what that means. It is a really subtle thing but if you write in active voice, your paper comes across strong and that you took command of these actions. Passive voice reads as though you are someone writing about someone you know....as though you didn't do these things. So, if you are going to write it, own it....ditch the passive voice.

"I have been successful as a leader in a wide variety of roles because I understand that leadership is multifaceted and that a exceptional leader is versatile in their approach."
I suggest: "Being successful as a leader in a broad variety of roles provides me with the understanding that leadership is multifaceted and an exceptional leader is versatile in their approach."

"These successes, coupled with the knowledge and experience I gained as a leader of my peers, has laid a strong foundation of preparation for a career as a United States Naval Officer."
I'm getting a twitch from all this passive voice.
I suggest: delete the word "has"

Though I’m qualified and ready to start my airline career, I strive for something more. I look forward to the development of core values that only becoming a United States Naval Officer will offer. The position will bring a new meaning to the words: duty, honor, courage, leadership, and patriotism. As an officer I hope to teach, lead, mentor and further the careers of those who follow. My foundation of leadership experience and proven dedication to my academic, extracurricular, and aviation pursuits make me a worthy candidate for consideration. It would be of the highest privilege and honor to be chosen to become a United States Naval Officer.

HA, I agree with Twobe! The first sentence is a weak first sentence for your "take-it-home" paragraph. This paragraph needs to be the strongest. I need to hear commitment. I need to hear passion and drive. I need to hear that you are determined to fly navy.

Also, you don't want to "develop" those core values - you should have them to be accepted into the Navy.

I don't want to break it down sentence by sentence....so pretend I did, and here's my final suggestion for the paragraph.

I suggest: "My hard work, determination, and leadership leads me to become a United States Naval Officer. This opportunity will bring a new meaning of the words: duty, honor, courage, leadership, and patriotism. As an officer, there is no greater honor than to serve my country by teaching, leading, mentoring, and furthering the careers of those who follow. My foundation of leadership and proven dedication to my academic, extracurricular, and aviation goals provide a solid foundation as a worthy candidate for consideration. It would be my highest privilege and honor to be chosen to become a United States Naval Officer."

My personal 2cents....which I can only get a penny for these days....

1) I like the 400 word limit. I wish they would have kept it. By ditching it, it does give the opportunity to see who can get to the damn point.
2) Spell out numbers in a paper and do not use contractions.
2) You hit on "aviator"but you didn't hit on "why navy?" I never hear any passion early on, or now, for your drive for the navy in particular (vs air force).
3) You are 24 and have done well expressing your leadership early in life. You learned that somewhere. Might want to credit a parent or upbringing for that guidance. They like it when you can give credit where credit is due. And it shows that you were guided, and know how to guide others and "give back". Not saying make it up - but obviously you don't get to be 24 and a college graduate with a CFII without some decent guidance and good head on your shoulders - so let's hear a sentence about it

I'm going to try to stop twitching now.

-Charlie

 

[kacraven]

Here's a rough draft - fire away!

Having grown up in the Midwest with no prior-service family members, it may seem a little odd that I would want to become an Officer in the United States Navy. I have always admired the mission of the military but did not seriously consider becoming a part of it until I was in college and started thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. I realized that I wanted to do something that would challenge myself, allow me to excel as a leader, and ultimately serve a greater purpose. The military seemed like a perfect fit. After doing some research on the different branches, the Navy was the obvious choice with its wide range of missions, high level of responsibility given to junior officers, and its international scope.

I truly believe the United States Navy is an organization with a job worth doing. The Navy’s mission of service, whether through humanitarian relief, keeping peace along tense borders, fighting the War on Terror, or keeping the world’s waterways safe for commerce are all missions that I would be proud to say I had been a part of. If I am selected to be a Naval Flight Officer I would bring to the table my experience as a Private Pilot and fulfill a long standing dream of becoming part of the Naval Aviation team. As a Supply Corps Officer I would use my academic and practical business experience to keep the fleet well supplied. Being a good Officer means being a good leader, something I have developed through serving on the executive board of the Iowa State University Investment Group. I feel the Navy would be the best place for me to accomplish my personal and professional goals as well as give back to this great country that has given me so many opportunities. I would be honored to be a part of this great tradition of service as an Officer in the United States Navy.

 

[scarfus]

Im back for more! What can I say...I'm a glutton for punishment.

After giving my statement some thought, I did some major reworking. I hope I was able to remove any sense of arrogance I may have previously displayed. After reading through it again, I admit I did a little bit too much chest-pounding in the last version. I believe this latest revision has much more "real" information in it than previously.

Charlie and twobecrazy, please give my statement another look. I appreciate the blunt, no bullshit approach that you've taken thus far, as I think it has continuously improved my statement. I wish everyone could conduct business this way, alot more would get accomplished. Anyway, have at it! Hopefully I'll have a nice finished product in the next couple of days...I need to turn this thing in!

P.S. Charlie, I gave all of your comments alot of thought. I implemented almost all of them, but there were a few minor ones that I chose to leave as is. This is mostly limited to word choice. In any event, the statement has changed so much that you'll have the opportunity to tear apart a whole new body of text.

Thanks again

My attraction to becoming a Naval Officer stems from my desire for a greater challenge. Someday, when I am old and sitting in my rocking chair, I wish to be able to look back and say that I had done something truly great with my life. I seek the commitment, honor, and respect earned by a career in service to my great country.

I am inspired by my grandfather, who served during WW2 as an infantryman in the European Theater. He was the program coordinator of VFW Post 9086; as such, my family attended many VFW events during my youth. Watching these grayed veterans and the pride and honor they felt for their service to their country moved me. The respect that these men commanded in return for their deeds so long ago was truly inspirational. Since then, I have always had the desire to join the military and serve as so many honorable men and women before me. I hope someday to earn this same respect, and wish to do so in service to the United States Navy.

A successful Naval Officer must hold oneself to the highest standard. They must embrace any challenge, and persistently strive to improve themselves and by extension, improve those around them. An officer must lead by example, maintaining an attitude of “good enough never is”. I have striven to uphold this philosophy throughout my academic, athletic, and professional experiences

While attending Northeastern University, known for its strong academics and an excellent co-op program, I was constantly challenged. I established myself as a strong student, working diligently towards a challenging engineering degree. During my senior year-long design project, my group was tasked with developing an advanced fuel cell hydrogen delivery system. Through dedication and a positive attitude, I rose to the unofficial position of project leader. My group was influenced by my approach, and responded with a very successful final product. Thanks to this, I was hired by the sponsoring company immediately out of college to continue work on the project.

In addition to the academic workload, I had the opportunity to work for a prominent Navy contractor as an intern while in college. I applied the same positive approach to my work there. This impressed my superiors enough to give me the opportunity to continue working beyond my initial 6 month commitment. I held my position part time during academic semesters and returned for a second tour the following year. The technical challenges I faced while working on fascinating naval robotics projects there not only vastly improved my engineering abilities, but also sowed further interest in the U.S. Navy in general.

My most important lessons in leadership came through my involvement with the Northeastern University Club Baseball team. Baseball took every free moment of my time before college, and I longed to continue playing. I reached out to other like-minded individuals to establish the team during my sophomore year. I was nominated as captain thanks to the drive and desire to succeed that I displayed both on and off the field. My positive attitude influenced my teammates resulting in the most cohesive, effective team unit with which I have ever had the pleasure of working. Its success is one of my greatest testaments to the value of hard work and leadership by example. I hope once again to cultivate such performance and camaraderie among fellow servicemen and women in the U.S. Navy.

After attending college and establishing my professional career, I truly believe that my purpose in life lies not in private enterprise as an engineer, but as a U.S. Navy Officer. This would require full utilization and further development of my intellectual, physical and leadership abilities. My ultimate goal is not only to lead sailors, but to do so as a Naval Aviator. If given this highly coveted opportunity, I would hold myself to the same high standard which has served me so well in the past. Nothing less than the best effort will bring success in a training environment as demanding as that which a student Naval Aviator faces, and I will work tirelessly to succeed. Rising to this challenge would provide a sense of fulfillment and pride that I could never achieve in private enterprise. Service at the “tip of the spear” with so many other great Americans would bring great honor that I can truly be proud of for the rest of my days.

 

[scarfus]

"I'm willing to play hurt and I like to blow things up. I like faster horses, older whiskey and younger women. I have a clean record when it comes to driving high performance cars in crappy conditions with little sleep. I know how to stick to my story when I screw the pooch. I don't screw over my buddy and will diligently resist screwing my buddy's wife. I think Ronald Reagan rocked and I can watch Animal House and Caddyshack repeatedly without getting bored. This is why I want to be a U.S. Naval Officer."

Send that in; I'll vote for you.

I had to bring this one up, way back from page 1 of this thread. Great stuff.

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

I had to bring this one up, way back from page 1 of this thread. Great stuff.

Amen.

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

I appreciate the blunt, no bullshit approach that you've taken thus far, as I think it has continuously improved my statement. I wish everyone could conduct business this way, alot more would get accomplished.

Thank you! Not everyone can see that. It takes a vast amount of maturity to see improvement instead of insults, believe it or not. So, not only do you have guts in writing, you have maturity too.

P.S. Charlie, I gave all of your comments alot of thought. I implemented almost all of them, but there were a few minor ones that I chose to leave as is. This is mostly limited to word choice. In any event, the statement has changed so much that you'll have the opportunity to tear apart a whole new body of text.

Like I said, I'm not married to my ideas. If you have something better - I would love it. But if I write it for your benefit, you are free to use it at your will as long as it truly reflects your thoughts.

My attraction to becoming a Naval Officer stems from my desire for a greater challenge. Someday, when I am old and sitting in my rocking chair, I wish to be able to look back and say that I had done something truly great with my life. I seek the commitment, honor, and respect earned by a career in service to my great country.

I love this paragraph now. Great start.

I am inspired by my grandfather, who served during WW2 as an infantryman in the European Theater. He was the program coordinator of VFW Post 9086; as such, my family attended many VFW events during my youth. Watching these grayed veterans and the pride and honor they felt for their service to their country moved me. The respect that these men commanded in return for their deeds so long ago was truly inspirational. Since then, I have always had the desire to join the military and serve as so many honorable men and women before me. I hope someday to earn this same respect, and wish to do so in service to the United States Navy.

Again, I don't agree with the "command" of respect portion. Again, respect is never commanded - it is earned, and these men earned it. I'm sure they don't walk up to people in parades saying "thank me, asshole!" (Although, that would be HILARIOUS!) I'm quite certain that, as most military service members when thanked by strangers, their response is "it is my pleasure"....but they never command that respect be given.

A successful Naval Officer must hold oneself to the highest standard. They must embrace any challenge, and persistently strive to improve themselves and by extension, improve those around them. An officer must lead by example, maintaining an attitude of "good enough never is";. I have striven to uphold this philosophy throughout my academic, athletic, and professional experiences.

I can see where you are going with this but it's 1) too butt-kissing about how great Naval O's are and 2) that quote doesn't sound right. I don't hate where you are going or the idea behind the paragraph though and have no suggestions for individual sentences since (other than that quote) is written well. To me, in general, it doesn't sound great. As I read on, I can see you just wanted a transition between your intro paragraph and your achievements. But usually, that is in the form of a sentence...a transitional sentence....not a transitional paragraph. So basically, I'm saying you can keep it but that quote still sounds funny.

While attending Northeastern University, known for its strong academics and an excellent co-op program, I was constantly challenged. I established myself as a strong student, working diligently towards a challenging engineering degree. During my senior year-long design project, my group was tasked with developing an advanced fuel cell hydrogen delivery system. Through dedication and a positive attitude, I rose to the unofficial position of project leader. My group was influenced by my approach, and responded with a very successful final product. Thanks to this, I was hired by the sponsoring company immediately out of college to continue work on the project.

I LOVE this paragraph...where has this Scarfus been?!? Only thing I would change is the last sentence..."Thanks to this opportunity (or assignment or anything but the single word "this,")...."

In addition to the academic workload, I had the opportunity to work for a prominent Navy contractor as an intern while in college. I applied the same positive approach to my work there. This impressed my superiors enough to give me the opportunity to continue working beyond my initial 6 month commitment. I held my position part time during academic semesters and returned for a second tour the following year. The technical challenges I faced while working on fascinating naval robotics projects there not only vastly improved my engineering abilities, but also sowed further interest in the U.S. Navy in general.

Again, although not the way I would have written it, I like the way you wrote this paragraph. I can see more of you in your style and I like how it builds on the previous experience. I hope I find something wrong with your next paragraph, or I'm going to have a fit....

My most important lessons in leadership came through my involvement with the Northeastern University Club Baseball team. Baseball took every free moment of my time before college, and I longed to continue playing. I reached out to other like-minded individuals to establish the team during my sophomore year. I was nominated as captain thanks to the drive and desire to succeed that I displayed both on and off the field. My positive attitude influenced my teammates resulting in the most cohesive, effective team unit with which I have ever had the pleasure of working. Its success is one of my greatest testaments to the value of hard work and leadership by example. I hope once again to cultivate such performance and camaraderie among fellow servicemen and women in the U.S. Navy.

Ha, found something, Thank Go...I mean, darn it! "most important" - those two words are over used in all statements. "Principle", "key", "primary", etc can be used instead to make a more concise statement.
"I reached out to other like-minded individuals to establish *a* team during my sophomore year."

After attending college and establishing my professional career, I truly believe that my purpose in life lies not in private enterprise as an engineer, but as a U.S. Navy Officer. This would require full utilization and further development of my intellectual, physical and leadership abilities. My ultimate goal is not only to lead sailors, but to do so as a Naval Aviator. If given this highly coveted opportunity, I would hold myself to the same high standard which has served me so well in the past. Nothing less than the best effort will bring success in a training environment as demanding as that which a student Naval Aviator faces, and I will work tirelessly to succeed. Rising to this challenge would provide a sense of fulfillment and pride that I could never achieve in private enterprise. Service at the "tip of the spear"; with so many other great Americans would bring great honor that I can truly be proud of for the rest of my days.

"Nothing less than the best effort will bring success in a training environment as demanding as that which a student Naval Aviator faces, and I will work tirelessly to succeed."
This is a stretch. It doesn't read well and seems like you tried to be far too wordy with it. Your flow was great up until that point where I had to read it a couple times to determine what point you were trying to make. And honestly it's this part ...."as demanding as that which " that made me go "huh?"

I suggest:
"Nothing less than the best effort will bring success in the demanding training environment in which a Naval Aviator faces." You don't need the rest - the entire statement tells us how hard you work.

"Rising to this challenge would provide a sense of fulfillment and pride that I could never achieve in private enterprise." - You turned negative on me - turn it positive. "Rising to this challenge would provide a sense of fulfillment and pride that one can only get from serving the United States Navy." And it flows well into the last sentence.

Great revisions! Thank you for actually spending time on it and reworking it. Very huge improvement!

-Charlie

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

kacraven, I'll do your edits tomorrow. It's late here and I only posted scarfus's edits because he needed them to turn in (he's been working on it a while now). I'll get with you tomorrow....just didn't want you to think that you were overlooked.

-Charlie

 

[twobecrazy]

Again, I disagree with Twobe...(don't kill me, you know I love you man!) - you speak of those skills in the next sentence by being captain of these teams. Sure, a well liked person can be elected, but usually if you are a follower, you don't get elected in the first place. And you elaborate by stating "where I oversaw all group activities to ensure they met the moral, ethical and safety standards of the fraternity".[/COLOR]

HAHAHAHA... This is what you are doing to me! :icon_boxi...

One of my old chiefs used to tell me... "To be a Great Leader you must be a Great Follower"... So I'll disagree with you (statement in bold)... ...

To the OP and Charlie:

Seriously though I have know a couple of frat presidents or team captains that should have never been in those positions. They were put there based on popularity not their leadership capabilities. I just want you to expand on it. As a captain did you lead the team to state championships or was the team 0-16?... Obviously I wouldn't mention that my team went 0-16 if I was a captain but hopefully you see the point I'm trying to make. You stated, "I oversaw all group activities to ensure they met the moral, ethical, and safety standards of the fraternity." Great! How many people in the frat was in trouble during your tenure at this position? I think your statement would be stronger by adding the answer to those questions. Once again, it would hurt the statement if your team was horrible or everyone in the frat was getting in trouble, so you don't want to add that information. But if you have some good stuff happening then I think it truly shows your leadership abilities. Agree or disagree DS?

HA, I agree with Twobe!

... ... arty_125

 

[twobecrazy]

Im back for more! What can I say...I'm a glutton for punishment.

Awesome!

The technical challenges I faced while working on fascinating naval robotics projects there not only vastly improved my engineering abilities, but also sowed further interest in the U.S. Navy in general.

The only thing not mentioned by Charlie that I seen would be the part in bold above. I think the statement sounds better without the "in general." See below. What do you think?

"The technical challenges I faced while working on fascinating naval robotics projects there not only vastly improved my engineering abilities, but also sowed further interest in the U.S. Navy."

Overall, this statement is MUCH BETTER! Great Job!