Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[Acart]

I would greatly appreciate any in put on improvements or changes to my motivational statement pasted below. Thank you in advance!


A Naval officer is expected possess many qualities; among these are leadership, commitment, honor, and courage. I aspire to demonstrate these qualities daily as well as unceasingly push my physical, mental, and leadership abilities to their furthest extent. Through my research I believe that the Navy offers the best opportunities of all the branches of the military to develop myself into all I can be while serving the country I love.
I have always pushed myself to be all that I can be mentally. While in college I always strove to take classes that where challenging and expanded knowledge in a wide range of topics. Through out the course of earning my degree I was able to take many classes that challenged and intrigued me. Two such classes where strategic management, and international management. In addition to my course work for my degree in business administration, I also took courses in international relation, russian language, and leadership/ethics to provide a more diverse and rounded education.
Outside of academia, I have always been active person physically though it was not till my sophomore year of high school till I discovered competitive sports. That year I joined the varsity swim team, which made a lot of sense for me since I had been swimming since I was two years old; the following year on the advise of a friend I began running cross country and track in addition to swim team. Through participating in these three sports teams I learned a great deal about leadership and commitment. I committed to be at ever practice ready to give it my all, and always strive to go faster, farther, and harder. This commitment played a great roll in further developing my leadership abilities.
My commitment to work hard inspired my teammates to work harder themselves; and this allowed me to become a better leader. My senior year was captain of the junior varsity cross-country team, and co-captain of the varsity swim team. Though I gain valuable leadership experiences threw participation in sports, my leadership skills along with much of who I am was shaped on my road gaining the rank of Eagle Scout. While on the road to becoming and Eagle Scout I was often put into both elected and nonelected leadership rolls. From teaching wilderness survival and swimming merit badges in the troop to being the senior patrol leader and junior assistant scoutmaster for the troop, I constantly was given and took the opportunity to lead my peers. The navy I believe offers the opportunity to develop my leadership skills further while serving the country I love so much.
There are other traits I possess that I believe would help me to be a better naval officer, such as attention to detail and calm under pressure. Attention to detail is a important skill in any profession but nowhere can it be more vital than in the duties of a naval officer. My ability to notice the smallest details is used nearly everyday in my current job where I partly responsible for ensuring all wording on documents is not presented in a manner that could possible cost the company money, or lose customers. Being calm under pressure is also vital to a naval officer; the pressure is not always life and death, though a naval officer must be expected to react in a calm manner when any situation arises. During my time as a lifeguard I regularly was faced with situation that required me to remain calm while handling the given situation. Whether it was jumping in assist a child, to back boarding someone who suffer end a head/neck injury diving into the pool, I was able to calmly do what was necessary to resolve the situation.
I seek commission, as an officer in the US Navy because I believe I will be a great asset to the service, just as I believe the navy will allow me to reach my full potential as a leader and as an American. Being a Naval officer will allow me to have a career that I am proud of and more importantly; be part of something much larger than myself. There is a long tradition in the navy of honor, courage, and commitment; these are all traits that I do my best to exhibit every day of my life.

 

[twobecrazy]

I would greatly appreciate any in put on improvements or changes to my motivational statement pasted below. Thank you in advance!

Sure...

A Naval officer is expected possess many qualities; among these are leadership, commitment, honor, and courage. I aspire to demonstrate these qualities daily as well as unceasingly push my physical, mental, and leadership abilities to their furthest extent. Through my research I believe that the Navy offers the best opportunities of all the branches of the military to develop myself into all I can be while serving the country I love.

O.k.

I have always pushed myself to be all that I can be mentally. While in college I always strove to take classes that where challenging and expanded knowledge in a wide range of topics. Through out the course of earning my degree I was able to take many classes that challenged and intrigued me. Two such classes where strategic management, and international management. In addition to my course work for my degree in business administration, I also took courses in international relation, russian language, and leadership/ethics to provide a more diverse and rounded education.

The board can see what classes you have taken by looking at your transcripts. So it is not a good idea to talk about them in your motivational statement. Get rid of this information.

Outside of academia, I have always been active person physically though it was not till my sophomore year of high school till I discovered competitive sports. That year I joined the varsity swim team, which made a lot of sense for me since I had been swimming since I was two years old; the following year on the advise of a friend I began running cross country and track in addition to swim team. Through participating in these three sports teams I learned a great deal about leadership and commitment. I committed to be at ever practice ready to give it my all, and always strive to go faster, farther, and harder. This commitment played a great roll in further developing my leadership abilities.

Don't fluff up your statements (see first statement in bold above). This is useless information. I think I know what you are trying to say in the rest of it but what leadership did you learn while being a sophmore on a varsity swim team? You need to be more direct with your statements and information. It presently isn't making sense. You need to re-word the rest.

My commitment to work hard inspired my teammates to work harder themselves; and this allowed me to become a better leader. My senior year I was captain of the junior varsity cross-country team, and co-captain of the varsity swim team. Though I gain valuable leadership experiences threw participation in sports, my leadership skills along with much of who I am was shaped on my road gaining the rank of Eagle Scout. While on the road to becoming and Eagle Scout I was often put into both elected and nonelected leadership rolls. From teaching wilderness survival and swimming merit badges in the troop to being the senior patrol leader and junior assistant scoutmaster for the troop, I constantly was given and took the opportunity to lead my peers. The navy I believe offers the opportunity to develop my leadership skills further while serving the country I love so much.

You forgot the "I" in bold above. You need to read your statement out loud. You have made little mistakes like that throughout this statement. I realize it is a working copy. Always capitolize Navy! The rest of the information is good. A little reworking here and it could be better.

There are other traits I possess that I believe would help me to be a better naval officer, such as attention to detail and calm under pressure. Attention to detail is a important skill in any profession but nowhere can it be more vital than in the duties of a naval officer. My ability to notice the smallest details is used nearly everyday in my current job where I partly responsible for ensuring all wording on documents is not presented in a manner that could possible cost the company money, or lose customers. Being calm under pressure is also vital to a naval officer; the pressure is not always life and death, though a naval officer must be expected to react in a calm manner when any situation arises. During my time as a lifeguard I regularly was faced with situation that required me to remain calm while handling the given situation. Whether it was jumping in assist a child, to back boarding someone who suffer end a head/neck injury diving into the pool, I was able to calmly do what was necessary to resolve the situation.

You are not partly responsible (see bold). You either are or you are not. As it sits (even with "am" missing) it seems like you could be making an excuse as to why you are not responsible for it when something goes wrong or take the credit when everything is right. I don't think that is a message you want to give the board. Chop out the second part in bold and that makes a better statement in my opinion.

I seek commission, as an officer in the US Navy because I believe I will be a great asset to the service, just as I believe the navy will allow me to reach my full potential as a leader and as an American. Being a Naval officer will allow me to have a career that I am proud of and more importantly; be part of something much larger than myself. There is a long tradition in the navy of honor, courage, and commitment; these are all traits that I do my best to exhibit every day of my life.

O.k....

I may have more to offer later but I think that is enough information for now. Others will probably add more as well. Good Luck.

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

Good job Twobecrazy!

Here's my 2cents...

A Naval officer is expected possess many qualities; among these are leadership, commitment, honor, and courage. I aspire to demonstrate these qualities daily as well as unceasingly push my physical, mental, and leadership abilities to their furthest extent.

Aspire? You should already possess these qualities to be called an Officer. I suggest changing it to "I demonstrate these qualities daily as..."

Through my research I believe that the Navy offers the best opportunities of all the branches of the military to develop myself into all I can be while serving the country I love.

First, it's the *U.S. Navy* or the *United States Navy* for the first time in a statement....and I would just always respectfully add "U.S. or United States" anytime you refer to the U.S. Navy in a motivational statement. I would spell it out for the first instance of the words and abbreviate it every time afterwards (unless it's the ending statement).

After "research" - a comma belongs there.

Also, there is always an overuse of the word "that" in just about every essay I read and it's taught in classes how to deliberately use each word. You can read that sentence the same exact way *without* the use of the word "that"....so remove the useless word

You did well during the rest of the statement because most people would have snuck another *that* into the statement at "county *that* I love"....you didn't! Congrats!

Additionally, I would rephrase it to "Through my research, I believe the U.S. Navy offers the best opportunities among all of the branches to develop myself into all I can be while simultaneously serving the country I love."

I have always pushed myself to be all that I can be mentally. While in college I always strove to take classes that where challenging and expanded knowledge in a wide range of topics. Through out the course of earning my degree I was able to take many classes that challenged and intrigued me. Two such classes where strategic management, and international management. In addition to my course work for my degree in business administration, I also took courses in international relation, russian language, and leadership/ethics to provide a more diverse and rounded education.

"While in college I always strove to take classes that where challenging and expanded knowledge in a wide range of topics." - Strove is a very weird word. "While in college, I was always driven to take classes that *were* (you spelled it wrong) challenging and expanded my knowledge in a broad range of topics."

"Through out the course of earning my degree I was able to take many classes that challenged and intrigued me." - Throughout is one word. And this sentence is redundant with the last. It's unnecessary.

I love Twobecrazy, but I respectfully disagree. Pointing out strong points from your application could shed light on something they overlook. Stated how it influences your education or what specifically it taught you so that they know what it brings to the table is a plus ... again, if stated correctly....

" Two such classes where strategic management, and international management." - 1) you misspelled "were" again. 2) You referred to your courses as "courses" previously, so be consistent and call them courses here. And for a better transition..."Two key courses, strategic management and international management provided me with [state what it the courses taught you]."

"In addition to my course work for my degree in business administration, I also took courses in international relation, russian language, and leadership/ethics to provide a more diverse and rounded education." - "took" is a bad word for essays - ranks up there with "got". "...I also *completed* courses in...."

Outside of academia, I have always been active person physically though it was not till my sophomore year of high school till I discovered competitive sports. That year I joined the varsity swim team, which made a lot of sense for me since I had been swimming since I was two years old; the following year on the advise of a friend I began running cross country and track in addition to swim team. Through participating in these three sports teams I learned a great deal about leadership and commitment. I committed to be at ever practice ready to give it my all, and always strive to go faster, farther, and harder. This commitment played a great roll in further developing my leadership abilities.

"...I have always been *an* active ..."
"till" should be it's full word - *until*
"advise" is misspelled - *advice*
"ever" should be *every*
The second to last sentence changes tenses from past tense to present - be consistent.

My commitment to work hard inspired my teammates to work harder themselves; and this allowed me to become a better leader. My senior year was captain of the junior varsity cross-country team, and co-captain of the varsity swim team. Though I gain valuable leadership experiences threw participation in sports, my leadership skills along with much of who I am was shaped on my road gaining the rank of Eagle Scout. While on the road to becoming and Eagle Scout I was often put into both elected and nonelected leadership rolls. From teaching wilderness survival and swimming merit badges in the troop to being the senior patrol leader and junior assistant scoutmaster for the troop, I constantly was given and took the opportunity to lead my peers. The navy I believe offers the opportunity to develop my leadership skills further while serving the country I love so much.

"My commitment to work hard inspired my teammates to work harder themselves; and this allowed me to become a better leader." - good use of semicolon but delete the word "and" after the semicolon. The semicolon is the connector between the two statements.

"My senior year was captain of the junior varsity cross-country team, and co-captain of the varsity swim team." - Delete the comma.

"Though I gain valuable leadership experiences threw participation in sports, my leadership skills along with much of who I am was shaped on my road gaining the rank of Eagle Scout." - "Gain" should be past tense - *gained*.

The word "threw" is misspelled - *through*.
..."shaped on my road *to* gaining the..."

There are other traits I possess that I believe would help me to be a better naval officer, such as attention to detail and calm under pressure. Attention to detail is a important skill in any profession but nowhere can it be more vital than in the duties of a naval officer. My ability to notice the smallest details is used nearly everyday in my current job where I partly responsible for ensuring all wording on documents is not presented in a manner that could possible cost the company money, or lose customers. Being calm under pressure is also vital to a naval officer; the pressure is not always life and death, though a naval officer must be expected to react in a calm manner when any situation arises. During my time as a lifeguard I regularly was faced with situation that required me to remain calm while handling the given situation. Whether it was jumping in assist a child, to back boarding someone who suffer end a head/neck injury diving into the pool, I was able to calmly do what was necessary to resolve the situation.

"Attention to detail is a important skill in any profession but nowhere can it be more vital than in the duties of a naval officer." - I suggest: "Attention to detail is an important skill in any profession but none more vital than within the duties of a Naval Officer."

"My ability to notice the smallest details is used nearly everyday in my current job where I partly responsible for ensuring all wording on documents is not presented in a manner that could possible cost the company money, or lose customers." - "...my current job where I *am* responsible..."

"During my time as a lifeguard I regularly was faced with situation that required me to remain calm while handling the given situation. " - "...lifeguard, I *was* regularly faced with *situations* that required me to remain calm while handling any given situation."

"Whether it was jumping in assist a child, to back boarding someone who suffer end a head/neck injury diving into the pool, I was able to calmly do what was necessary to resolve the situation." - "...assist a child *or* back boarding someone..."

I seek commission, as an officer in the US Navy because I believe I will be a great asset to the service, just as I believe the navy will allow me to reach my full potential as a leader and as an American. Being a Naval officer will allow me to have a career that I am proud of and more importantly; be part of something much larger than myself. There is a long tradition in the navy of honor, courage, and commitment; these are all traits that I do my best to exhibit every day of my life.

"...as an officer in the United States Navy.."
"...just as I believe the U.S. Navy will allow me to serve honorably reaching my full potential as a leader and as an American."

"Being a Naval officer will allow me to have a career that I am proud of and more importantly; be part of something much larger than myself." - Aw, you did so well with the other semicolon but what is this?!? Tisk tisk. Use a comma instead.

"There is a long tradition in the navy of honor, courage, and commitment; these are all traits that I do my best to exhibit every day of my life." - "...tradition in the U.S. Navy of honor..."
Technically, it's not just a long tradition, it's our core values.

Overall, Good Job!

-Charlie

 

[twobecrazy]

I love Twobecrazy, but I respectfully disagree.

To the OP... This is the whole point behind putting your statement here! I don't think I could have summarized it more beautifully than Charlie did! Honestly there isn't anything I disagree with her reply. But please realize we are here to only aide you in providing a sound statement that we believe is in the best interest of YOU! Charlie knows a CRAP ton about this... Me... I'm just along for the ride at this point! Granted I have been accepted... Does that mean I am right? Does that mean she is right? I don't think so... This is your statement... We can only provide an insight to what we believe the board is looking for concerning applicants! You must do what you believe is right and true to yourself... That being said, I would definitely listen to what Charlie spoke. She speaks the truth... I have read your statement a couple of times now and have come to the same conclusion that she has (with the minor exception above)! Good Luck! Hopefully this has helped you!

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

Twobecrazy: I love that you spend time doing this for these "hopeful's". I am sure you can recall writing your statement and how much it meant to you to get it right. I know I do. That's why I spend so much time doing this and I'm sure it's the same for you. I'm so glad that you put in the effort because it is ALWAYS helpful when two people can agree that a change is necessary or sometimes the difference of opinions add a well needed new insight to how things can be stated multiple ways. Either way, it helps them all a ton. Thank you for spending so much of your time helping!!! Please, keep the good comments and edits coming!!!

Acart: I didn't bother re-stating the changes that Twobecrazy already edited for you. I skipped those editorial comments because I already agree with his changes. So make sure you take Twobecrazy's comments first before looking at mine...since mine stacks on top of his as though you already made those corrections he suggested.

-Charlie

 

[Acart]

Thank you both, I found your comments very helpful.

 

[TheBirdy]

I posted my previous draft of my motivational statement before, so here is my revised draft..

My passion and commitment to join the United States Navy comes from what was executed by the United States Navy during December of 2004 when Southeast Asia was struck by a devastating tsunami. Though I am an American, I am of Indian descent with my mother being Trinindadian and my father being Sri Lankan. Being born and raised in the United States, I have benefited from all this country has to offer. After hearing on the news that the United States Navy had mobilized and began efforts to send aid to Southeast Asia and the help that was offered to those countries, including Sri Lanka where I have family, I knew that I wanted to serve my country and become an officer in the United States Navy.

There are many countries such as Sri Lanka, where some of my family lives, that are poor and do not have these luxuries that we enjoy. After visiting Sri Lanka when I was in 8th grade and looking back, reflecting and seeing what the United States offers to me and my family, I want to give back to the United States what she has given me.

I have extensive experience in leadership and giving back to my community. Volunteering for 3 years at Cleveland Clinic, 3 years at my temple and giving back to my community for over 450 hours I learned the importance of leadership and commitment. Being the head volunteer at Cleveland Clinic after 3 years and training new volunteers, I finally gained an understanding of what it is to be responsible and lead those under me as I had been taught by those before me. I also saw the benefits that one reaps through commitment and persistence, as well as the responsibility and leadership that must be demonstrated that comes with those benefits.

As an officer in the United States Navy I plan to use this experience in leadership and giving back to my community to guide me throughout my career. My childhood memories of visiting my family’s country, Sri Lanka and realizing how fortunate I am to be an American, as well as seeing the United States Navy aid the world will be my driving force from OCS till the end of my career as a naval officer. For these reasons and the moral values that have been instilled in me since childhood, I seek a commission as a naval officer and hope to lead a successful career in the United States Navy and serving my country.

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

My passion and commitment to join the United States Navy comes from what was executed by the United States Navy during December of 2004 when Southeast Asia was struck by a devastating tsunami. Though I am an American, I am of Indian descent with my mother being Trinindadian and my father being Sri Lankan. Being born and raised in the United States, I have benefited from all this country has to offer. After hearing on the news that the United States Navy had mobilized and began efforts to send aid to Southeast Asia and the help that was offered to those countries, including Sri Lanka where I have family, I knew that I wanted to serve my country and become an officer in the United States Navy.

This is an excellent starting paragraph.

However, "After hearing on the news that the United States Navy had mobilized and began efforts to send aid to Southeast Asia and the help that was offered to those countries, including Sri Lanka where I have family, I knew that I wanted to serve my country and become an officer in the United States Navy." - People tend to elongate sentences to sound more eloquent (and smart). So, you aren't the first to fall victim. This is a run-on-and-on sentence. Break it up into two (or three) sentences. Not only will it be grammatically correct, you will be concise as well.

There are many countries such as Sri Lanka, where some of my family lives, that are poor and do not have these luxuries that we enjoy. After visiting Sri Lanka when I was in 8th grade and looking back, reflecting and seeing what the United States offers to me and my family, I want to give back to the United States what she has given me.

As far as I can tell, this entire paragraph should be deleted. It is completely redundant - says the same EXACT thing the first paragraph stated. There is no new relevant information. I think you say the same thing twice. Since it is redundant, I think you should delete it. *catch a hint of sarcasm?!?*
Seriously, delete it.

I have extensive experience in leadership and giving back to my community. Volunteering for 3 years at Cleveland Clinic, 3 years at my temple and giving back to my community for over 450 hours I learned the importance of leadership and commitment. Being the head volunteer at Cleveland Clinic after 3 years and training new volunteers, I finally gained an understanding of what it is to be responsible and lead those under me as I had been taught by those before me. I also saw the benefits that one reaps through commitment and persistence, as well as the responsibility and leadership that must be demonstrated that comes with those benefits.

So, since you are deleting that previous paragraph *hint, hint*, you need a transition into this one. Even if you kept the previous paragraph, there still lacks a transition between paragraphs. Perhaps, "By visiting Sri Lanka in the eighth grade, I came to realize how fortunate we are and I became focused on helping my community." Then you can go into the leadership and benefits it provided you....which you do in the second sentence so the first one is unnecessary if replaced with a better transitional statement.

Spell out these numbers.
"Volunteering for *three* years at Cleveland Clinic, *three* years at my temple*,* and giving back to my community for over 450 hours*,* I learned the importance of leadership and commitment."

As an officer in the United States Navy I plan to use this experience in leadership and giving back to my community to guide me throughout my career. My childhood memories of visiting my family’s country, Sri Lanka and realizing how fortunate I am to be an American, as well as seeing the United States Navy aid the world will be my driving force from OCS till the end of my career as a naval officer. For these reasons and the moral values that have been instilled in me since childhood, I seek a commission as a naval officer and hope to lead a successful career in the United States Navy and serving my country.

"As an officer in the United States Navy*,* I plan to use this..."
"My childhood memories of visiting my family’s country, Sri Lanka and realizing how fortunate I am to be an American, as well as seeing the United States Navy aid the world will be my driving force from OCS till the end of my career as a naval officer." - No offense but...what the hell is this?!? You were writing beautifully. First, a comma belongs after Sri Lanka. Second, it's a huge run-on "sentence". Lastly, it's not even a sentence! I'm just going to stop there and make a suggestion. "From my childhood memories of visiting my family's country, Sri Lanka, I realize how truly fortunate I am to be an American. My driving force throughout my future military career will be to see the United States Navy aide the world as a Naval Officer."

Ok, I am sure you have read my posts before on editorial comments. I never mean any disrespect through my bluntness but I figure future Naval Officers don't need the sugar coating

A couple things...
This entire motivational statement, although I corrected it grammatically, says nothing about you other than the fact that your family is from Sri Lanka and you did some serious volunteer work. There are three things you should be able to answer in a motivational statement to the U.S. Navy.

1) Why did you choose the Navy particularly?
2) Why do you want to be an officer in the U.S. Navy?
3) Why do you want to go into your particular designator?

These three things are what the board *wants to know* when they finish reading your statement. As far as I can tell, I don't read any of that in your statement personally. They also want to know what you bring to to table (so to speak) and what you want to get out of your experience. But usually, all of that is answered when answering those three questions.

My suggestion is to go through your statement and try to answer some questions about yourself so the board sees "you"! Did you work at all? What is your degree in and how does your academic career feed into your future military career? Play any competitive sports that taught you teamwork? That sort of thing.

Overall, you write rather well....but it's a lot of fluff and when I finished reading it, I really am left knowing very little about you and what makes you tick.

Give it another shot. I'll be happy to proof another copy when you are ready.

-Charlie

P.S. I just read your quote:

'For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return' - Leonardo da Vinci

This actually says something about you, if this is how you feel. I think it states your passion for flying (if you are going for Naval Aviator - I have no idea since you never said in your statement what you wanted to do) and you should use it. Actually, try starting out with the quote, and the first paragraph, then transition to a paragraph stating why you have a strong passion for flying, another paragraph about why you want to use your life experiences to lead others as a Naval Officer, and end with a strong closing paragraph synthesizing these beliefs, ideas, dreams, and passions into one strong statement.

 

[TheBirdy]

You really ripped that apart Charlie. Nonetheless thanks a lot, I'll go through it again and make the revisions.

 

[xxxCharliexxx]

You really ripped that apart Charlie. Nonetheless thanks a lot, I'll go through it again and make the revisions.

I don't mean to "rip" anyone's statement apart! You wrote very well and I can tell you are well educated by your writing style.

I only mean to help. However, I tend to put on my "editor's" cap and just write the corrections bluntly (and sometimes with rare humor). I always figure that people prefer being told directly how to change something that will benefit them instead of trying to decipher someone's comments by trying to determine "what they really meant."

I wouldn't spend so much time with the edits/corrections if I thought you were a lazy writer and didn't truly want the best motivational statement you could make.

So, I apologize if you thought I ripped it apart. I go through each statement with a fine-toothed comb because I think if it's the one statement you get to make to the board, it better be a damn good one!

-Charlie

 

[HercDriver]

You really ripped that apart Charlie. Nonetheless thanks a lot, I'll go through it again and make the revisions.

Just ensure that your quote with "my future military career will be to see the United States Navy aide the world as a Naval Officer" has its original spelling of "aid", vice "aide" (although the rest of xxCharliexx's editing and suggestions are excellent).

 

[JMonte85]

Can someone please look this over for grammar and spelling errors? I would like to turn everything in by today or tomorrow, and haven't had luck getting someone to look it over last minute. Thanks!

PLease don't quote anything just show any corrections or pm me.. I intend to erase this after I get a good review of it.



Removed.

 

[aukonak]

I agree that quotes look much better in the beginning of the statement, as long as you tie it in correctly. I've actually used them in the beginning of every major paper or statement I've written since high school and they've usually gone over very well.

 

[TheBirdy]

Ok, gave it another shot..I think I got it this time, but we'll see.


'For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return' - Leonardo da Vinci.

My passion and commitment to join the United States Navy comes from what was executed by the United States Navy during December of 2004 when Southeast Asia was struck by a devastating tsunami. Though I am an American, I am of Indian descent with my mother being Trinindadian and my father being Sri Lankan. Being born and raised in the United States, I have benefited from all this country has to offer. I remember hearing on the news that the United States Navy had mobilized and began efforts to send aid to Southeast Asia. The help that was offered to those countries, including my family’s country Sri Lanka, drove my passion to serve my country and to become an officer in the United States Navy.

Seeing SH-60 Seahawks deliver aid packages to victims of the tsunami on the news further drove my passions to not only become a Naval Officer, but a Naval Aviator as well. For the first time in my life I had seen the application of naval aviation and how it aided those less fortunate around the world; I wanted to be a part of that. My initial fascination for aviation came primarily from me being born and raised in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Since I was five years old, my father made it a ‘father/son tradition’ to take me to the air and sea show every year, for the next 13 years of my life. I immediately fell in love with fighter aircraft, primarily the F-14, and aviation in general. Every aspect intrigued me, from their afterburners to the vapor cone formed around the aircraft as it approached the speed of sound. Since that point in my life, I have always wanted to be a Naval Aviator.

After visiting Sri Lanka when I was in 8th grade, I realized how fortunate we are in the United States. I decided to give back to my community and in the process I have gained extensive experience in leadership. Volunteering for three years at Cleveland Clinic, three years at my temple and giving back to my community for over 450 hours I learned the importance of leadership and commitment. Being the head volunteer at Cleveland Clinic after three years and training new volunteers, I finally gained an understanding of what it is to be responsible and lead those under me as I had been taught by those before me. I also saw the benefits that one reaps through commitment and persistence, as well as the responsibility and leadership that must be demonstrated that comes with those benefits.

As an officer in the United States Navy I plan to use this experience in leadership and giving back to my community to guide me throughout my career. My childhood memories of visiting my family’s country Sri Lanka, made me realize how fortunate I am to be an American. My driving force in my military career will be to see the United States Navy aid the world as a Naval Officer. For these reasons, as well as my passion for aviation and the moral values that have been instilled in me, I seek a commission as a Naval Officer. I hope to lead a successful career in the United States Navy and serving my country.

 

[twobecrazy]

'For once you have tasted flight you will walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there you have been and there you will long to return' - Leonardo da Vinci.

Great.

My passion and commitment to join the United States Navy comes from what was executed by the United States Navy during December of 2004 when Southeast Asia was struck by a devastating tsunami. Though I am an American, I am of Indian descent with my mother being Trinindadian and my father being Sri Lankan. Being born and raised in the United States, I have benefited from all this country has to offer. I remember hearing on the news that the United States Navy had mobilized and began efforts to send aid to Southeast Asia. The help that was offered to those countries, including my family’s country Sri Lanka, drove my passion to serve my country and to become an officer in the United States Navy.

Great.

Seeing SH-60 Seahawks deliver aid packages to victims of the tsunami on the news further drove my passions to not only become a Naval Officer, but a Naval Aviator as well. For the first time in my life I had seen the application of naval aviation and how it aided those less fortunate around the world; I wanted to be a part of that. My initial fascination for aviation came primarily from me being born and raised in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Since I was five years old, my father made it a ‘father/son tradition’ to take me to the air and sea show every year, for the next 13 years of my life. I immediately fell in love with fighter aircraft, primarily the F-14, and aviation in general. Every aspect intrigued me, from their afterburners to the vapor cone formed around the aircraft as it approached the speed of sound. Since that point in my life, I have always wanted to be a Naval Aviator.

Fine in my opinion until you hit the bold part. I think this may sound better.

Since I was five years old, my father made it a ‘father/son tradition’ to take me to the air and sea show every year. I immediately fell in love with aviation. Every aspect intrigued me, from afterburners, to vapor cones, and hovering helicopters; I was addicted. Since that point in my life, I have always wanted to be a Naval Aviator.

After visiting Sri Lanka when I was in 8th grade, I realized how fortunate we are in the United States. I decided to give back to my community and in the process I have gained extensive experience in leadership. Volunteering for three years at Cleveland Clinic, three years at my temple and giving back to my community for over 450 hours I learned the importance of leadership and commitment. Being the head volunteer at Cleveland Clinic after three years and training new volunteers, I finally gained an understanding of what it is to be responsible and lead those under me as I had been taught by those before me. I also saw the benefits that one reaps through commitment and persistence, as well as the responsibility and leadership that must be demonstrated that comes with those benefits.

Alright so from this point on I have problems. How about this?

I decided to give back to my community and in the process I obtained invaluable leadership, organizational, and time management skills. I volunteered for over 450 hours at the Cleveland Clinic and my temple. Being the head volunteer at Cleveland Clinic I trained (Approx # of New Volunteers) new volunteers. I taught them the benefits of volunteering, (other volunteering things you have taught goes here in a list such as performing whatever activities you did). I witnessed the benefits that one reaps through serving their community.

As an officer in the United States Navy I plan to use this experience in leadership and giving back to my community to guide me throughout my career. My childhood memories of visiting my family’s country Sri Lanka, made me realize how fortunate I am to be an American. My driving force in my military career will be to see the United States Navy aid the world as a Naval Officer. For these reasons, as well as my passion for aviation and the moral values that have been instilled in me, I seek a commission as a Naval Officer. I hope to lead a successful career in the United States Navy and serving my country.

How about this?

"As a Naval Officer I plan to use this experience in leadership and community service. I will instill these values into the men and women I hope to serve along side. The childhood memories of visiting my family’s country Sri Lanka, made me grasp how fortunate it is to be an American. The driving force of my military career will be to see the United States Navy aid anyone requiring assistance. I look forward to a successful career in the United States Navy and serving my country as a Naval Officer."

Just some food for thought.