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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
After my recruiter bluntly told me he didn't like my previous motivational statement, here is my redone draft (hopefully it is much better)..criticism much appreciated.
“A Global Force for Good,” the United States Navy’s current motto. Being born and raised in the United States, I have benefited from all this country has to offer. Though I am an American, I am of Indian descent with my mother being Trinindadian and my father being Sri Lankan.
My passion and commitment to join the United States Navy comes from what was executed by the United States Navy during December of 2004 when the Indian Ocean and Southeast Asia was struck by a devastating tsunami. After hearing on the news that the United States Navy had mobilized and began efforts to send aid to Southeast Asia and the help that was offered to those countries, including Sri Lanka where I have family, I knew that I wanted to serve my country and become an officer in the United States Navy.
Many people forget the fact that the United States provides its citizens with infinite opportunity and benefits. There are many other countries such as Sri Lanka, where some of my family lives, that are poor and do not have these luxuries that we enjoy. After visiting Sri Lanka when I was in 8th grade and looking back, reflecting and seeing what the United States offers to me and my family, I want to give back to the United States what she has given me.
On a scaled down level, I have had extensive experience giving back to my community. Volunteering for 3 years at Cleveland Clinic, 3 years at my temple and giving back to my community for over 400 hours I learned the importance of leadership and commitment. Being the head volunteer at Cleveland Clinic after 3 years and training new volunteers, I finally gained an understanding of what it is to be responsible and lead those under me as I had been taught by those before me. I also saw the benefits that one reaps through commitment and persistence, as well as the responsibility and leadership that must be demonstrated that comes with those benefits.
I hope this experience will serve as a stepping stone, on a much more grand scale, towards my career path as a United States Naval Officer as I serve my country in the future. It is for these reasons I seek a commission as a naval officer in the United States Navy.
“A Global Force for Good,” the United States Navy’s current motto. Being born and raised in the United States, I have benefited from all this country has to offer. Though I am an American, I am of Indian descent with my mother being Trinindadian and my father being Sri Lankan.
My passion and commitment to join the United States Navy comes from what was executed by the United States Navy during December of 2004 when the Indian Ocean and Southeast Asia was struck by a devastating tsunami. After hearing on the news that the United States Navy had mobilized and began efforts to send aid to Southeast Asia and the help that was offered to those countries, including Sri Lanka where I have family, I knew that I wanted to serve my country and become an officer in the United States Navy.
Many people forget the fact that the United States provides its citizens with infinite opportunity and benefits. There are many other countries such as Sri Lanka, where some of my family lives, that are poor and do not have these luxuries that we enjoy. After visiting Sri Lanka when I was in 8th grade and looking back, reflecting and seeing what the United States offers to me and my family, I want to give back to the United States what she has given me.
On a scaled down level, I have had extensive experience giving back to my community. Volunteering for 3 years at Cleveland Clinic, 3 years at my temple and giving back to my community for over 400 hours I learned the importance of leadership and commitment. Being the head volunteer at Cleveland Clinic after 3 years and training new volunteers, I finally gained an understanding of what it is to be responsible and lead those under me as I had been taught by those before me. I also saw the benefits that one reaps through commitment and persistence, as well as the responsibility and leadership that must be demonstrated that comes with those benefits.
I hope this experience will serve as a stepping stone, on a much more grand scale, towards my career path as a United States Naval Officer as I serve my country in the future. It is for these reasons I seek a commission as a naval officer in the United States Navy.
ryan1234
Well-Known Member
Great content overall - but these statements sound a little weird... the first statement of the original paragraph emphasizes "opportunity" of being an F-16 Crew Chief (which I thought was two words?).... followed sharply by the "opportunity" to leave AD. I don't know... just doesn't seem to mesh well together... sounds like you're trying to explain away something rather than highlight your experience.
Sounds silly, but try Toys"R"Us as the title to the company... I think that's the official name/spelling.
Good day everyone. I've read and reread my motivational statement over many times to make sure it was the best I could make it. The first paragraph sounds cliche, but that's what I feel. It's quite changeable if it's too cliche. Would much appreciate any comment on it. Thanks in advance.
Opportunity, freedom of speech, freedom of religion. A few of the many privileges that the United States has granted my family and I. I wish to repay this country for all of the luxuries–luxuries that I’ve seen first hand what other countries could never offer–that it has provided for us. Although repaying America is part of my goal, it is not my sole reason to join.
I do not remember much from my childhood, but the one thing that I remember most clearly was when my dad asked me what I wanted to do when I became an adult–I told him I wanted to be a pilot. Joining the Navy and earning a commission was not part of that dream until I joined NJROTC in high school.
NJROTC taught me to be strong and confident by participating and leading my unit through many events such as: Competitions, Area Eight inspections, community service projects, and raising money for our unit trips . I was given the great privilege of attending a military ball for the Navy’s 228th Birthday. Without the courage and strength that my instructors taught me, I would not have been able to lead the Color Guard and perform outstandingly in front of hundreds of officers in the Navy and Marines.
At my current job, I quickly advanced from a floor job to becoming the youngest engineer hired in my company's history where I am responsible for writing test files as well as testing the UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter wire harnesses for the Army National Guard, Department of Defense, the Columbian Army, and the Egyptian Army as well as instructing new tester personnel on software usage, testing procedures, and safety precautions.
NJROTC was not only fun for me, but it taught me the core values of the Navy. Values which helped me stay drugfree, kept me very active during high school by participating in my community, and attaining my current job. I wish to join the Navy to continue to better myself as a person and also to provide my devotion, leadership, experiences, and skills that I have acquired. As a first generation college student, and hopefully an officer of the Navy, I wish to start a tradition that my children and their children will continue. To serve and protect the values and freedoms that this great country holds and represents. Thank you for your consideration.
Opportunity, freedom of speech, freedom of religion. A few of the many privileges that the United States has granted my family and I. I wish to repay this country for all of the luxuries–luxuries that I’ve seen first hand what other countries could never offer–that it has provided for us. Although repaying America is part of my goal, it is not my sole reason to join.
I do not remember much from my childhood, but the one thing that I remember most clearly was when my dad asked me what I wanted to do when I became an adult–I told him I wanted to be a pilot. Joining the Navy and earning a commission was not part of that dream until I joined NJROTC in high school.
NJROTC taught me to be strong and confident by participating and leading my unit through many events such as: Competitions, Area Eight inspections, community service projects, and raising money for our unit trips . I was given the great privilege of attending a military ball for the Navy’s 228th Birthday. Without the courage and strength that my instructors taught me, I would not have been able to lead the Color Guard and perform outstandingly in front of hundreds of officers in the Navy and Marines.
At my current job, I quickly advanced from a floor job to becoming the youngest engineer hired in my company's history where I am responsible for writing test files as well as testing the UH-60 Black Hawk helicopter wire harnesses for the Army National Guard, Department of Defense, the Columbian Army, and the Egyptian Army as well as instructing new tester personnel on software usage, testing procedures, and safety precautions.
NJROTC was not only fun for me, but it taught me the core values of the Navy. Values which helped me stay drugfree, kept me very active during high school by participating in my community, and attaining my current job. I wish to join the Navy to continue to better myself as a person and also to provide my devotion, leadership, experiences, and skills that I have acquired. As a first generation college student, and hopefully an officer of the Navy, I wish to start a tradition that my children and their children will continue. To serve and protect the values and freedoms that this great country holds and represents. Thank you for your consideration.
GreenLantern330
Active Member
I never give feedback on any of these, but I thought it was well written. Just one question came to mind that the board might wonder too: If you were introduced to the Navy through NJROTC in high school, why not try to go to the Academy or go for NROTC in college?
I'm sure there's more that could be added/taken out/or changed, so I'll leave that to people that are more active in this thread.
I'm sure there's more that could be added/taken out/or changed, so I'll leave that to people that are more active in this thread.
Anyone available to look over my Motivational Statement. I have been working on it for a few weeks now and am nearly ready to send it in.
PM me if you can.
Thanks!
PM me if you can.
Thanks!
Loki, it looks good. The basic structure is quite good, you just need to clean up some silly writing errors. I agree with GreenLantern that the statement makes no sense without an explanation of why you didn't go on to NROTC/USNA from NJROTC. I'd put a brief explanation where your second to last paragraph is, since that ¶ totally destroys the flow of the statement. It says some nice things, but not things worth inserting in a paragraph completely unrelated to the ones that precede and follow it.
Use periods rather than commas.
You've already broken the rules for effect in your opening. You might want to add "these are" to make this a sentence.
-Contraction
-You mean "that"?
This I'm not sure of... it may not even be a rule, but I'd put a space on either side of a dash. It's just easier to read.
I want to say this should be "were," but I don't know and I can't find proof either way.
You don't need the colon and "competitions" shouldn't be capitalized.
"Outstandingly" would not be my adverb of choice. I didn't even think it was a word.
If it wasn't an officers-only event, you'd better say "Sailors and Marines." (And adjust the head count as necessary)
This is the only part of your statement that is truly bad (and I didn't even notice on the first run-through). You need a dash after "Navy" (and then this thing would probably be too big), for one. You said, "Values which... attaining my current job." I assume you meant "kept me active ... by participating in my community and attaining my current job."
But I don't think there's any tinkering you could do to make this structure work. Rewrite or delete.
I think you took it just a bit too far there. It's better without that last bit.
I'm not in love with this bit. I think you can write it better.
Use periods rather than commas.
You've already broken the rules for effect in your opening. You might want to add "these are" to make this a sentence.
-Contraction
-You mean "that"?
This I'm not sure of... it may not even be a rule, but I'd put a space on either side of a dash. It's just easier to read.
I want to say this should be "were," but I don't know and I can't find proof either way.
You don't need the colon and "competitions" shouldn't be capitalized.
"Outstandingly" would not be my adverb of choice. I didn't even think it was a word.
If it wasn't an officers-only event, you'd better say "Sailors and Marines." (And adjust the head count as necessary)
This is the only part of your statement that is truly bad (and I didn't even notice on the first run-through). You need a dash after "Navy" (and then this thing would probably be too big), for one. You said, "Values which... attaining my current job." I assume you meant "kept me active ... by participating in my community and attaining my current job."
But I don't think there's any tinkering you could do to make this structure work. Rewrite or delete.
I think you took it just a bit too far there. It's better without that last bit.
I'm not in love with this bit. I think you can write it better.
Now that the transition to the new application is complete, the word count for the motivational statement has been changed from 400 words to the "visible area below". Is it important to fill up the whole space or keep it concise at around 400 words? Where 400 words is roughly half the available space.
Also, what format is everyone using for the Additional Remarks section? Are you just listing everything you have done in block format, or are you writing our a couple paragraphs with everything included?
Thanks much!
Also, what format is everyone using for the Additional Remarks section? Are you just listing everything you have done in block format, or are you writing our a couple paragraphs with everything included?
Thanks much!
marmoset54
Final Select Supply Corps
Dear all,
After being non-selected for the September Boards, I am going through my application with a cliched fine toothed comb. I've gotten interviews together, more community service and a few more LORs.
The last piece of the even more cliched puzzle is the essay. I'm one for brevity (a a fan of the 400 word essay) so keep that in mind when critiquing. If it needs to be expanded, I am working on the individual paragraphs independently.
Would you all be so kind as to review my motivational statement? Words I have received from O-5's and O-6's are to "simplify the opening statement," "cut out the academic writing," keep talking about Katrina, keep the core values and why joining now.
Thanks in advance!
-Marm
"A man’s inspiration is at the crux of his effectiveness. My decision to become a United States Naval Officer is the culmination of strategic steps, each of which developed confidence in my abilities to serve and lead. My interest and participation in public service began at a community level, but as my awareness broadened, so did the scope of my outreach efforts. My demonstrated leadership ability, combined with my sense of selflessness and loyalty to my country is in stride with the core values of the Navy. I will prove a great complimentary asset to the Navy by continuing its legacy through exemplifying Honor, Courage, and Commitment.
My summers at Audubon Zoo Camp provoked my youthful fascination with nature, which matured into a responsibility to protect it. As a youth volunteer, I educated hundreds of visitors about environmental conservation and recruited future volunteers. My fellow volunteer zookeepers and I, though from diverse backgrounds, shared a common belief and united to raise public awareness of environmental conversation and responsibility. Through these experiences, I realized that public service was not a choice, but a duty to protect our country’s natural resources.
A class at Tulane University on Scandinavian history incited my interest in military history—the Vikings’ senses of adventure on the sea accompanied by their unified goal of laying siege to established kingdoms. My focus became understanding the evolution of the wartime offensive. The campaigns in war, like a scythe, can cut down nations to a critical minimum—just enough to build again. Though weaponry, strategy and economics comprise the substance of war, a body of men and their leader acting of one mind will define its success.
After I completed my focused studies at Tulane, I joined the efforts to rebuild New Orleans with alacrity. My service with Americorps resulted in a fortified connection between school administrators and aid organizations and an enriched school system. While I feel a great sense of pride in these accomplishments, it is a shared pride with the 400 volunteers who assisted in these efforts at my direction.
Hence, I seek to begin my own campaign to inspire and lead my fellow citizens in protecting our country. My knowledge of strategy and tactics, my proven ability to lead, and my inspiration sourced from public service will aid in my striving to exemplify Honor, Courage, and Commitment while leading my fellow sailors."
P.S. Rhino - I'd list as much as I could. Don't be unnecessarily wordy (these guys aren't going to read it THAT thoroughly).
After being non-selected for the September Boards, I am going through my application with a cliched fine toothed comb. I've gotten interviews together, more community service and a few more LORs.
The last piece of the even more cliched puzzle is the essay. I'm one for brevity (a a fan of the 400 word essay) so keep that in mind when critiquing. If it needs to be expanded, I am working on the individual paragraphs independently.
Would you all be so kind as to review my motivational statement? Words I have received from O-5's and O-6's are to "simplify the opening statement," "cut out the academic writing," keep talking about Katrina, keep the core values and why joining now.
Thanks in advance!
-Marm
"A man’s inspiration is at the crux of his effectiveness. My decision to become a United States Naval Officer is the culmination of strategic steps, each of which developed confidence in my abilities to serve and lead. My interest and participation in public service began at a community level, but as my awareness broadened, so did the scope of my outreach efforts. My demonstrated leadership ability, combined with my sense of selflessness and loyalty to my country is in stride with the core values of the Navy. I will prove a great complimentary asset to the Navy by continuing its legacy through exemplifying Honor, Courage, and Commitment.
My summers at Audubon Zoo Camp provoked my youthful fascination with nature, which matured into a responsibility to protect it. As a youth volunteer, I educated hundreds of visitors about environmental conservation and recruited future volunteers. My fellow volunteer zookeepers and I, though from diverse backgrounds, shared a common belief and united to raise public awareness of environmental conversation and responsibility. Through these experiences, I realized that public service was not a choice, but a duty to protect our country’s natural resources.
A class at Tulane University on Scandinavian history incited my interest in military history—the Vikings’ senses of adventure on the sea accompanied by their unified goal of laying siege to established kingdoms. My focus became understanding the evolution of the wartime offensive. The campaigns in war, like a scythe, can cut down nations to a critical minimum—just enough to build again. Though weaponry, strategy and economics comprise the substance of war, a body of men and their leader acting of one mind will define its success.
After I completed my focused studies at Tulane, I joined the efforts to rebuild New Orleans with alacrity. My service with Americorps resulted in a fortified connection between school administrators and aid organizations and an enriched school system. While I feel a great sense of pride in these accomplishments, it is a shared pride with the 400 volunteers who assisted in these efforts at my direction.
Hence, I seek to begin my own campaign to inspire and lead my fellow citizens in protecting our country. My knowledge of strategy and tactics, my proven ability to lead, and my inspiration sourced from public service will aid in my striving to exemplify Honor, Courage, and Commitment while leading my fellow sailors."
P.S. Rhino - I'd list as much as I could. Don't be unnecessarily wordy (these guys aren't going to read it THAT thoroughly).
marmoset54
Final Select Supply Corps
And there are paragraphs.
Lucy
Member
so excuse the typos-coffee high is getting to me a little but here ya go
stating your decision is the culmination of strategic steps doesn't sound right. Things might have led you to this decision, but strategic steps implies you were already working towards something, which if you hadn't decided doesn't make sense. soemthing like " a series of events that deveolped...led to my decision to becoem a Naval officer. Truthfully it sounds kinda like you are just wanting to avoid saying what might be a cliche- that your life has led you to this decision. And i agree with the comments, the first paragragh is really academically inclined and I don't get a sense you having any heart in it. Shorter would be better in that part.
I like the concept fo the 2nd paragragh but think you should focus more on the duty it instilled in you and less about the zoo. Kinda of a "hey saw the things man can do against nature and animals who are unable to protect themselves, and in turned realised the responsibility I have to protect any who need help" or something of that sort.
thrid para- if you are going to focus on your academics then i would focus on them as a whole, citing a single class is...well you can only learn so much from one class. maybe a "while the vikings brought me to relize the importance of military leadership, it was...that prepared me for the learning i will recieve as an officer"
4th- agree with the previous suggestions. expand on what you did and how it impacted you. yes the work was important, but why? and what resutled of your actions? good to do the whole team thing, but remember Officer, not enlisted, how did you help to lead?
5th- you havent said enough to make your final statement. and the repeating of the 3 values is a little..cheesy since you've already said them
I have got to know your writting and personality over the last few months of reading your posts, and this leaves me wondering where that fire/passion went. it is not evident in your current statement. be more true to yourself and not as scared of what the board is going to think.
good luck
stating your decision is the culmination of strategic steps doesn't sound right. Things might have led you to this decision, but strategic steps implies you were already working towards something, which if you hadn't decided doesn't make sense. soemthing like " a series of events that deveolped...led to my decision to becoem a Naval officer. Truthfully it sounds kinda like you are just wanting to avoid saying what might be a cliche- that your life has led you to this decision. And i agree with the comments, the first paragragh is really academically inclined and I don't get a sense you having any heart in it. Shorter would be better in that part.
I like the concept fo the 2nd paragragh but think you should focus more on the duty it instilled in you and less about the zoo. Kinda of a "hey saw the things man can do against nature and animals who are unable to protect themselves, and in turned realised the responsibility I have to protect any who need help" or something of that sort.
thrid para- if you are going to focus on your academics then i would focus on them as a whole, citing a single class is...well you can only learn so much from one class. maybe a "while the vikings brought me to relize the importance of military leadership, it was...that prepared me for the learning i will recieve as an officer"
4th- agree with the previous suggestions. expand on what you did and how it impacted you. yes the work was important, but why? and what resutled of your actions? good to do the whole team thing, but remember Officer, not enlisted, how did you help to lead?
5th- you havent said enough to make your final statement. and the repeating of the 3 values is a little..cheesy since you've already said them
I have got to know your writting and personality over the last few months of reading your posts, and this leaves me wondering where that fire/passion went. it is not evident in your current statement. be more true to yourself and not as scared of what the board is going to think.
good luck
marmoset54
Final Select Supply Corps
Beautiful. What's that saying, "Wouldn't know it if it was looking you in the face"? Sometimes I need to get smacked around and what not, eh? I come from an academic background and...yes. I shall bring the fire and passion.
God love ya for this.
A few drinks tonight, candlelight, some Gladiator/Braveheart soundtrack and maybe dressing up in my viking garb might give me the inspiration to write from the heart....