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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
Hey guys,
Great thread you have going here. I was a recent non-select and was wondering if someone would be willing to take a look at my motivational statement. At the time my recruiter said it was excellent, but now I'm trying to take a thorough look at everything in my package to see what I can improve upon. I'd rather not post it online if possible, so if someone would be willing to PM me their e-mail address that would be great.
Thanks
Great thread you have going here. I was a recent non-select and was wondering if someone would be willing to take a look at my motivational statement. At the time my recruiter said it was excellent, but now I'm trying to take a thorough look at everything in my package to see what I can improve upon. I'd rather not post it online if possible, so if someone would be willing to PM me their e-mail address that would be great.
Thanks
bwh06b
FS SNA
If any of you have the time and are willing to comment on my motivational statement I would really appreciate any input/feedback/criticism that I can get. Thanks in advance.
If I had the opportunity to sit down with my nineteen-year-old self I do not believe that we would see eye-to-eye. In just four short years my view of this world has changed, and I believe that I have been able to mature after a decision I made just one year out of high school. When I was nineteen I decided to voluntarily separate from the Naval Academy during the summer after Plebe Year, and I have been living with that decision ever since.
My decision to apply for an appointment to the Naval Academy was made for all the right reasons, and I carry those same sentiments with me today that I did five years ago. I can still vividly remember that Tuesday morning at Abilene High as I walked into my Honors Biology classroom and saw Mr. Allen staring at the television and the images from New York. I remember going to air shows at Dyess Air Force base almost every year as a child with my family and dreaming of having the chance to fly. I carry pride within me for my brother who served in the Army and pride for my brother currently serving as a Naval Officer. I want to be a Naval Officer so I can live out my life as a part of something infinitely bigger than myself that will challenge me from the moment I wake each morning.
After visiting five different countries I am thankful and proud to say that I live in the United States of America. Having already been given so many opportunities by this country I am seeking one opportunity more. I want to look back on my life and say that I was challenged, that I served proudly and grew as a leader of the men and women of the U.S. Navy, that I lived a life of honor, and that I enjoyed ever minute of it. We are a nation at war, and I feel a calling to help defend the ideals upon which we stand. I am seeking a commission as an officer in the Navy so that through my growth as a leader and member of one big team I can give back to the nation that has given me so much.
If I had the opportunity to sit down with my nineteen-year-old self I do not believe that we would see eye-to-eye. In just four short years my view of this world has changed, and I believe that I have been able to mature after a decision I made just one year out of high school. When I was nineteen I decided to voluntarily separate from the Naval Academy during the summer after Plebe Year, and I have been living with that decision ever since.
My decision to apply for an appointment to the Naval Academy was made for all the right reasons, and I carry those same sentiments with me today that I did five years ago. I can still vividly remember that Tuesday morning at Abilene High as I walked into my Honors Biology classroom and saw Mr. Allen staring at the television and the images from New York. I remember going to air shows at Dyess Air Force base almost every year as a child with my family and dreaming of having the chance to fly. I carry pride within me for my brother who served in the Army and pride for my brother currently serving as a Naval Officer. I want to be a Naval Officer so I can live out my life as a part of something infinitely bigger than myself that will challenge me from the moment I wake each morning.
After visiting five different countries I am thankful and proud to say that I live in the United States of America. Having already been given so many opportunities by this country I am seeking one opportunity more. I want to look back on my life and say that I was challenged, that I served proudly and grew as a leader of the men and women of the U.S. Navy, that I lived a life of honor, and that I enjoyed ever minute of it. We are a nation at war, and I feel a calling to help defend the ideals upon which we stand. I am seeking a commission as an officer in the Navy so that through my growth as a leader and member of one big team I can give back to the nation that has given me so much.
GrandFromage
New Member
Hey, I am applying for the BDCP and my ASTB scores are 7/8/6/60. I did 2 semesters in college when i was 17, but have been a professional firefighter since...since then im back in school working on being a pilot, but my gpa of 2.6 from 5 years ago haunts me...i'm 3.8 now...Heres my motivational statement...am I trying too hard? (i'm 44 words over)
I have looked fire in the eye and did not flinch; I was only 18 years old. I have stood in a burning inferno so hot that my helmet started to melt, holding fast until my lieutenant ordered me to back out to safety. In the chaos surrounding a patient flat-lining, I maintained the necessary composure to do my job until the patient’s vital signs stabilized.
While my peers were focusing on a single goal such as studying for the next test, I was not only academically preparing myself at West Chester University, but I was also developing my firefighting skills in a volunteer fire department at age 17. However, my interest in firefighting and adventurous drive ultimately focused my attention to begin a career as a professional firefighter in the U.S. Forest Service.
In my first two years as a firefighter with the U.S. Forest Service, I developed professional skills involved with incident command and resource management. These skills are necessary to efficiently maximize the potential of the limited firefighting personnel and equipment to accomplish the mission. This helped me obtain a job with the Philadelphia Fire Department, where as a 20 year old novice firefighter, I quickly earned the respect and trust of the veteran crew members with 20-30 years of experience. While maturing through my firefighting career, I not only learned the importance of teamwork, dedication, and sacrifice, but I also developed the technical and critical thinking skills needed to optimize my value as a potential leader. My value as a leader was validated by accepting a job offer as an assistant squad boss on the Silver City Hotshots, an elite firefighting crew that is dispatched across the country. One of the most important lessons I learned working for the Silver City Hotshots is that no matter how hard a PT hike up a 5,000 foot mountain is, or digging a mile long fire line at night in Yosemite National Park, I will finish eventually, knowing I gave everything I had and refused to give up. Instead of continually thinking about the difficulty of the mission, I preferred to think about the gratification of completing the mission after giving 110% of my effort.
Like my grandfather, his three brothers, my uncle, and my sister, who all served in the U.S. military, I have the necessary strength of character, esprit de corps, and the leadership capability that is necessary to serve my country in the United States Navy.
By choosing me as an officer candidate, you will select a seasoned, hard working, and trustworthy candidate who has proven teamwork experience and an ability to function in the most challenging circumstances.
I have looked fire in the eye and did not flinch; I was only 18 years old. I have stood in a burning inferno so hot that my helmet started to melt, holding fast until my lieutenant ordered me to back out to safety. In the chaos surrounding a patient flat-lining, I maintained the necessary composure to do my job until the patient’s vital signs stabilized.
While my peers were focusing on a single goal such as studying for the next test, I was not only academically preparing myself at West Chester University, but I was also developing my firefighting skills in a volunteer fire department at age 17. However, my interest in firefighting and adventurous drive ultimately focused my attention to begin a career as a professional firefighter in the U.S. Forest Service.
In my first two years as a firefighter with the U.S. Forest Service, I developed professional skills involved with incident command and resource management. These skills are necessary to efficiently maximize the potential of the limited firefighting personnel and equipment to accomplish the mission. This helped me obtain a job with the Philadelphia Fire Department, where as a 20 year old novice firefighter, I quickly earned the respect and trust of the veteran crew members with 20-30 years of experience. While maturing through my firefighting career, I not only learned the importance of teamwork, dedication, and sacrifice, but I also developed the technical and critical thinking skills needed to optimize my value as a potential leader. My value as a leader was validated by accepting a job offer as an assistant squad boss on the Silver City Hotshots, an elite firefighting crew that is dispatched across the country. One of the most important lessons I learned working for the Silver City Hotshots is that no matter how hard a PT hike up a 5,000 foot mountain is, or digging a mile long fire line at night in Yosemite National Park, I will finish eventually, knowing I gave everything I had and refused to give up. Instead of continually thinking about the difficulty of the mission, I preferred to think about the gratification of completing the mission after giving 110% of my effort.
Like my grandfather, his three brothers, my uncle, and my sister, who all served in the U.S. military, I have the necessary strength of character, esprit de corps, and the leadership capability that is necessary to serve my country in the United States Navy.
By choosing me as an officer candidate, you will select a seasoned, hard working, and trustworthy candidate who has proven teamwork experience and an ability to function in the most challenging circumstances.
Big Cheese,
I think you could stand to focus a little more on your motivations and less on your qualifications, but this is one of the rare situations that I think you are fine as is. DEFINITELY get it under 400, but I'm about to recommend about 70 words for deletion.
Your tenses are confused.
Easiest fix is to delete "have," but I would put "I was..." in front: "I was only 18 years old when I looked..."
1) Lies
2) No good comes from this (portion of the) sentence
Again, I would put the age in front. [Although I wouldn't use it at all, because it sounds weird in front but if you put it in front your essay's chronology gets weird.
1) Delete
2) Yuck
1) I would delete
2) I don't know what the right phraseology is, but this can't be it. If it is, write something else.
1) Should be "these skills" still, yes?
2) I would go with something more like, "many years," "over twenty years," or "as many as 30 years."
Needs to be fixed.
There's nothing particularly necessary about this sentence.
Esprit de corps is, I'm fairly confident, a quality of the group, not of any individual. You wouldn't say, "I have the morale that is necessary to be an officer."
No good comes from this.
I think you could stand to focus a little more on your motivations and less on your qualifications, but this is one of the rare situations that I think you are fine as is. DEFINITELY get it under 400, but I'm about to recommend about 70 words for deletion.
Your tenses are confused.
Easiest fix is to delete "have," but I would put "I was..." in front: "I was only 18 years old when I looked..."
1) Lies
2) No good comes from this (portion of the) sentence
Again, I would put the age in front. [Although I wouldn't use it at all, because it sounds weird in front but if you put it in front your essay's chronology gets weird.
1) Delete
2) Yuck
1) I would delete
2) I don't know what the right phraseology is, but this can't be it. If it is, write something else.
1) Should be "these skills" still, yes?
2) I would go with something more like, "many years," "over twenty years," or "as many as 30 years."
Needs to be fixed.
There's nothing particularly necessary about this sentence.
Esprit de corps is, I'm fairly confident, a quality of the group, not of any individual. You wouldn't say, "I have the morale that is necessary to be an officer."
No good comes from this.
bwh06b,
For anyone else, this would be a solid statement. The way it's written now drives me crazy as a reader. By mentioning the decision to leave the Naval Academy (or by having it on the application - and it will be), you must explain why you left and what changed in the intervening time. Your motivation is good, but if it wasn't enough to carry you through the Academy, why will it get you through OCS? Etc, etc.
It has some quirks of writing that will need to be corrected, but first I would worry about the above.
For anyone else, this would be a solid statement. The way it's written now drives me crazy as a reader. By mentioning the decision to leave the Naval Academy (or by having it on the application - and it will be), you must explain why you left and what changed in the intervening time. Your motivation is good, but if it wasn't enough to carry you through the Academy, why will it get you through OCS? Etc, etc.
It has some quirks of writing that will need to be corrected, but first I would worry about the above.
bwh06b
FS SNA
m26,
Thanks for the response. I was finally able to have a sit-down with my OR last night and we were able to walk through the motivational statement. He has suggested I address why I left the Academy after Plebe Year in the remarks section and leave the statement for writing specifically about why I want to fly. I'll address that, and then work on the rest. Thanks again.
Thanks for the response. I was finally able to have a sit-down with my OR last night and we were able to walk through the motivational statement. He has suggested I address why I left the Academy after Plebe Year in the remarks section and leave the statement for writing specifically about why I want to fly. I'll address that, and then work on the rest. Thanks again.
GrandFromage
New Member
Hey, thanks alot, I really appriciate the help!
GrandFromage
New Member
Hey m26, heres an updated verson, I followed you suggestions and I also got it under 400. If you would, tell me how it looks now, again, thanks for the help.
I was only 18 years old when I looked fire in the eye and did not flinch. I stood in a burning inferno so hot that my helmet started to melt, holding fast until my lieutenant ordered me to back out to safety. In the chaos surrounding a patient flat-lining, I maintained the necessary composure to do my job until the patient’s vital signs stabilized.
When I was first a student at West Chester University, I was not only academically preparing myself for my future, but I was also developing my firefighting skills at the local volunteer fire department. My interest in firefighting and adventurous drive led me leave school early, and instead start a career as a professional firefighter in the U.S. Forest Service.
In my first two years as a firefighter with the Forest Service, I began training in incident command and resource management. The skills I learned are necessary to efficiently maximize the potential of the limited firefighting personnel and equipment to accomplish an assigned mission. These skills helped me obtain a job with the Philadelphia Fire Department, where as a 20 year old novice firefighter, I quickly earned the respect and trust of the veteran crew members with as many as 30 years of experience. While maturing through my firefighting career, I not only learned the importance of teamwork, dedication, and sacrifice, but I also developed the technical and critical thinking skills needed to optimize my value as a potential leader. My value as a leader was validated by accepting a job offer as an assistant squad boss on the Silver City Hotshots, an elite firefighting crew that is dispatched across the country. No matter how hard a PT hike up a 5,000 foot mountain is, or digging a mile long fire line at night in Yosemite National Park, I have accepted that giving up is not an option, and if I fail then I leave my crew to take up my slack, something that is unacceptable in any team effort.
I am finally ready to join the ranks of all the men and women who have gone before me in the world’s most powerful Navy. I am seeking a commission as an officer to realize a lifelong dream of mine, and to utilize the lessons and skills I have learned to lead our nation’s sailors through the 21st century.
I was only 18 years old when I looked fire in the eye and did not flinch. I stood in a burning inferno so hot that my helmet started to melt, holding fast until my lieutenant ordered me to back out to safety. In the chaos surrounding a patient flat-lining, I maintained the necessary composure to do my job until the patient’s vital signs stabilized.
When I was first a student at West Chester University, I was not only academically preparing myself for my future, but I was also developing my firefighting skills at the local volunteer fire department. My interest in firefighting and adventurous drive led me leave school early, and instead start a career as a professional firefighter in the U.S. Forest Service.
In my first two years as a firefighter with the Forest Service, I began training in incident command and resource management. The skills I learned are necessary to efficiently maximize the potential of the limited firefighting personnel and equipment to accomplish an assigned mission. These skills helped me obtain a job with the Philadelphia Fire Department, where as a 20 year old novice firefighter, I quickly earned the respect and trust of the veteran crew members with as many as 30 years of experience. While maturing through my firefighting career, I not only learned the importance of teamwork, dedication, and sacrifice, but I also developed the technical and critical thinking skills needed to optimize my value as a potential leader. My value as a leader was validated by accepting a job offer as an assistant squad boss on the Silver City Hotshots, an elite firefighting crew that is dispatched across the country. No matter how hard a PT hike up a 5,000 foot mountain is, or digging a mile long fire line at night in Yosemite National Park, I have accepted that giving up is not an option, and if I fail then I leave my crew to take up my slack, something that is unacceptable in any team effort.
I am finally ready to join the ranks of all the men and women who have gone before me in the world’s most powerful Navy. I am seeking a commission as an officer to realize a lifelong dream of mine, and to utilize the lessons and skills I have learned to lead our nation’s sailors through the 21st century.
Only thing that sticks out is that the first sentence is still a little weak.
I prefer this phraseology:
"I was only 18 years old when I looked fire in the eye for the first time; I did not flinch."
If that's true, that is. Both versions of your first sentence so far sound a little off...
I prefer this phraseology:
"I was only 18 years old when I looked fire in the eye for the first time; I did not flinch."
If that's true, that is. Both versions of your first sentence so far sound a little off...