Haha, it was no joke. I've been reading this MEGA thread for months and thought it would be nice to try something a little different, although I wasn't trying to be a unique snowflake. Thanks for the honest feedback. It probably is total crap so I'll write something more mainstream and repost.
-
Please take a moment and update your account profile. If you have an updated account profile with basic information on why you are on Air Warriors it will help other people respond to your posts. How do you update your profile you ask?
Go here:
Edit Account Details and Profile
Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
BullGator
Active Member
It was funny though.
Food for thought sonic:
1. Sailor is capitalized (you can leave out soldier for this essay). (e.g. Don't capitalize "the Joker" and leave Sailor lowercase.)
2. Putting on a uniform will not make you a "superhero."
3. Most importantly, give examples of how you would be a good leader, and what traits you posses (with examples too). Use that as the majority of your 400 words, instead of the comic book stuff.
4. Have some sort of format. Like I started with what the Navy can do for me and what it means to me. Then went on to say what I could do for it, and why I would be good (my #3. here) from past examples. If you have any bad things that you haven't been able to describe else where in your package, explain them here and how you grew/learned from them (ie. DUI, DOR from Marines, ect...).
5. Have people (family, teachers, smart friends, ect) proofread it. After that post it up here and someone will most probably give you some good help on what the others may have missed. This essay is very, very important for your package. At least thats the way I looked at it.
Good luck man,
-Darren
Food for thought sonic:
1. Sailor is capitalized (you can leave out soldier for this essay). (e.g. Don't capitalize "the Joker" and leave Sailor lowercase.)
2. Putting on a uniform will not make you a "superhero."
3. Most importantly, give examples of how you would be a good leader, and what traits you posses (with examples too). Use that as the majority of your 400 words, instead of the comic book stuff.
4. Have some sort of format. Like I started with what the Navy can do for me and what it means to me. Then went on to say what I could do for it, and why I would be good (my #3. here) from past examples. If you have any bad things that you haven't been able to describe else where in your package, explain them here and how you grew/learned from them (ie. DUI, DOR from Marines, ect...).
5. Have people (family, teachers, smart friends, ect) proofread it. After that post it up here and someone will most probably give you some good help on what the others may have missed. This essay is very, very important for your package. At least thats the way I looked at it.
Good luck man,
-Darren
Even though I'm in the same situation as you, as far as trying to come up with a good statement, I thought I'd share a few of my personal thoughts on yours as an outsider:
Even though I think you gave a good example of your scout leader being a positive role model, I felt that it's unnecessary to admit that you don't have the leadership experience that will prepare you in being a military leader. It kind of gives the impression that you're not very confident. I think that most people going for a commission have very different leadership experiences then what they'll be going through as officers, so I don't think it's necessary for you to admit it. It's already implied. If the Navy was only going to commission those who already have the necessary leadership experiences, they probably wouldn't require the intense course that OCS candidates have to go through!
Your last paragraph sounds more like what you want out of the Navy. From what I'm told, the board wants to know what YOU can do for the Navy. You mention all the benefits that will prepare you for civilian life if you decide to leave the Navy. Why should the Navy want to invest so much time, money, and effort in commissioning you when it looks like you're already planning to leave it? No one knows the future, and of course, there's always a chance that any newly commissioned officer will decide it's not for her/him and leave, so this is another part I feel is unnecessary to say.
Lastly, make sure you go over this with someone who's good with grammar before submission. I notice a few missing commas and fragments, and in the last paragraph, it looks like you're missing a word. I think you meant "leader" after "effective."
BullGator
Active Member
Cool. ANd it's not supposed to be main stream. It may turn out looking that way, but first and foremost be honest. Don't leave them room to doubt you however (if possible, as I said sometimes you need to explain things like DORing before). Go through the points, make a list of things you want to say that match those points (i.e. why you would be good at leading Sailors, and How you showed ___characteristic___ in the past).
The reason why so many of these essays look mainstream, is because many of us want to serve and be officers for similar reasons, however each letter should be unique (e.g. In your own words, and from your soul).
Mainstream is one thing. Unprofessional is another.
I'm sure sonicboom has the right intentions, but the execution is awful.
I've said before in this thread. You are applying for a career as a professional.
Act the part, "act as if," "be the ball," whatever you want to call it.
Begin by writing something you feel would be acceptable if you were in fact a Naval Officer and were presenting it to your peers.
Yes, to quote "Using the space provided, in 400 words or less, state why you are seeking a commission."
OK, I've taken out all the shenanigans this time. It's at least professional. Your thoughts please...
401 words
Reflecting on what motivates me to seek a commission as a naval officer, I am reminded of President Kennedy’s oft-quoted inaugural address in which he challenged Americans to “ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.” I, as have my peers, have known these words since childhood, but for me they are more than mere rhetoric; I recognize that my country hasdone much for me already and feel challenged in the same way JFK intended a half century ago. Though my collegiate record and extensive work history and international experience would serve me well as a civilian, I feel a calling to repay a debt to my country and to its brave fathers and sons to whom we owe gratitude for our many freedoms and ideals. In choosing the road less traveled, I opt to apply my assets in the service of the U.S. Navy, following in the footsteps of family and friends whose sacrifices have allowed us to enjoy a way of life we have all come to know and love. This dream has not been realized easily but, rather, has come at great cost to those who have defended it and whose graves surround the globe. I proudly aspire to become a part of that tradition.
I understand that success in a military environment does not come easily – the physical and mental demands are grueling, and the conditions under which Sailors work are often unforgiving and at times even life-threatening. For most, such a job description is enough to say “no thanks,” but I wholeheartedly embrace this challenge, as I have consistently done throughout my life. I’ve always been one to seek out new challenges, as demonstrated by the fearless manner in which I immersed myself in the societies of Mexico and Peru and quickly surpassed the language barrier and adapted to cultural differences. In my professional experiences and personal life, both in the United States and abroad, I have learned quickly and exhibited leadership qualities, even if my official title didn’t explicitly state so. I look forward to the opportunity to lead fellow Sailors as an officer in the United States Navy and hope that through my service I may help to better our way of life as Americans. In closing, I thank you for your consideration of my application as well as your service to our country.
BullGator
Active Member
I would cut the first sentance/paragraph way-way down. I can't think of what, it just seems way too long and possibly a run-on sentance.
My general rules for capitalizing is leave officer lowercase, but any combination of Naval, Officer, or Aviator I leave Capitalized. That is probably up to you just be consistent.
After "I’ve always been one to seek out new challenges, as demonstrated by the fearless manner in which I immersed myself in the societies of Mexico and Peru and quickly surpassed the language barrier and adapted to cultural differences." add a specific example if applicable.
I'm no expert at this, especially English (take with 1 grain of salt...), but I hope that may help. Much better by the way; the superhero thing was origional -Heh, still get a chuckle out of that.
-Good luck man, are you applying BDCP?
sonicboom:
Reflecting on what motivates me to seek a commission as a naval officer, I am reminded of President Kennedy’s oft-quoted inaugural address, in which he challenged Americans to “ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.” My peers and I have heard these words since childhood, but for me they are more than mere rhetoric; I recognize that my country has done much for me already and I feel challenged in the same way JFK intended a half century ago. Though my collegiate knowledge, extensive work history and international experience would serve me well as a civilian, I feel a calling to repay a debt to my country and to its brave fathers and sons to whom we owe gratitude for our many freedoms and ideals.(This sentence isn't bad, however I think it is too long) In choosing the road less traveled, I have decided to apply my skills to the service of the U.S. Navy, following in the footsteps of family and friends whose sacrifices have allowed me to enjoy the way of life we have all come to know and love. This dream has not been realized easily but rather has come at great cost to those who have defended it and whose graves surround the globe. I proudly aspire to become a part of that tradition.
I understand that success in a military environment does not come easily – the physical and mental demands are grueling, and the conditions under which Sailors work are often unforgiving and at times even life-threatening. (I would think that this sentence is true, however the board may see you making assumptions about a job that you've not performed) That job description would be enough for most people to decline it, however I wholeheartedly embrace this challenge, as I have consistently done throughout my life. I’ve always been one to seek out new challenges, as demonstrated by the manner in which I immersed myself in the societies of Mexico and Peru, quickly surpassing the language barrier and adapting to cultural differences. In my professional experiences and personal life, both in the United States and abroad, I have learned quickly and exhibited leadership qualities, even if my position didn't require it of me. I look forward to the opportunity to lead fellow Sailors as an officer in the United States Navy and hope that through my service I may help to better our way of life as Americans. In closing, I thank you for your consideration of my application as well as your service to our country.
I like this one; changes that I've made are in italics, but there's nothing major.
You may wish to include a little snippet about exactly what position you are applying for and why you specifically want that one. GL
Reflecting on what motivates me to seek a commission as a naval officer, I am reminded of President Kennedy’s oft-quoted inaugural address, in which he challenged Americans to “ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.” My peers and I have heard these words since childhood, but for me they are more than mere rhetoric; I recognize that my country has done much for me already and I feel challenged in the same way JFK intended a half century ago. Though my collegiate knowledge, extensive work history and international experience would serve me well as a civilian, I feel a calling to repay a debt to my country and to its brave fathers and sons to whom we owe gratitude for our many freedoms and ideals.(This sentence isn't bad, however I think it is too long) In choosing the road less traveled, I have decided to apply my skills to the service of the U.S. Navy, following in the footsteps of family and friends whose sacrifices have allowed me to enjoy the way of life we have all come to know and love. This dream has not been realized easily but rather has come at great cost to those who have defended it and whose graves surround the globe. I proudly aspire to become a part of that tradition.
I understand that success in a military environment does not come easily – the physical and mental demands are grueling, and the conditions under which Sailors work are often unforgiving and at times even life-threatening. (I would think that this sentence is true, however the board may see you making assumptions about a job that you've not performed) That job description would be enough for most people to decline it, however I wholeheartedly embrace this challenge, as I have consistently done throughout my life. I’ve always been one to seek out new challenges, as demonstrated by the manner in which I immersed myself in the societies of Mexico and Peru, quickly surpassing the language barrier and adapting to cultural differences. In my professional experiences and personal life, both in the United States and abroad, I have learned quickly and exhibited leadership qualities, even if my position didn't require it of me. I look forward to the opportunity to lead fellow Sailors as an officer in the United States Navy and hope that through my service I may help to better our way of life as Americans. In closing, I thank you for your consideration of my application as well as your service to our country.
I like this one; changes that I've made are in italics, but there's nothing major.
You may wish to include a little snippet about exactly what position you are applying for and why you specifically want that one. GL
I disagree.
Have you ever picked up and moved to another country where you had no family, no money, and no job? It's actually quite intimidating and I'd wager few people have the cajones to do such a thing by themselves.
Nah, I just learned Spanish from scratch (not hard to do, sorry), moved to another country, where I had no family and knew no one, showed up as the "New Guy" in a foreign squadron, qualified as a Mission Commander, and flew operationally for 3 years. I also learned to fly an entirely new aircraft in a third language.
I don't consider myself as "fearless" for what I did, so I certainly don't rate your experience in that manner either.
Why am I being hard on you? There's a chance a guy like me might read your statement and be equally unimpressed by egotistical rhetoric.
You could have said "I rose to the challenge of an immersion program in Latin America." Point made, in a humble way.
I doubt you've really learned Spanish to the same extent I have. Knowing how to say "quiero mas agua" is different from being fluent, though I'll accept the possibility that you are. But I doubt it.
In my time and place in life, my accomplishments are abroad are something I'm proud of so I take offense when you call it egotistcal rhetoric. Obviously, I don't draw pride from the same types of experiences you can because I'm a 22 year old college graduate from suburbia. In my book what I did was fearless so you don't need to rain on my parade, though I do appreciate the honest feedback, and for what it's worth have eliminated the word fearless from the essay. Thanks.
Yes. 3 years in South America, as the only American officer in a foreign squadron, leading foreign aircrew inflight, doing joint ops with the same nation's other forces, teaching systems and tactics...
yes, all I know how to say is "quiero mas agua."
Don't tell the Navy, they'll cut my Foreign Language Proficiency Pay. Maybe take away FAO too...
edit: Enough threadjack. We obviously agree to disagree.