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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

ok lets try this again....

When I was nine years old, my father took me to visit the USS Intrepid museum in New York City. As I walked around the flight deck of that historic ship, I knew I wanted to become an officer in the United States Navy. Since I was very young, my parents instilled in me the desire to perform my absolute best and to never settle for anything less. More importantly, they taught me to always be a leader, and to always act with integrity and honor no matter what difficulties and hurdles I encounter. I want to utilize the tools they provided me with, to continue to build upon my leadership ability and become an officer in the United States Navy.

As a Sheriff’s Deputy I have demonstrated many sound qualities. Courage, character, and leadership skills are among a few. My decision making ability is tested nightly on duty, where I am required to be a force of calm in a world sometimes filled with chaos. I have been exposed to many highly demanding situations including surviving a shooting where my partner and I were fired on repeatedly by an assailant, as well as responding to the immediate aftermath of a large tornado that devastated the city of Tuscaloosa. I was among the first to arrive on the scene after the violent storm narrowly missed my home. I led fellow deputies, paramedics, and citizens in search and recovery tasks immediately following the disaster. I also supervised Alabama National Guard personnel assigned to my checkpoints while jointly conducting security efforts with their units in the disaster area for several weeks following the tragedy. My swift critical thinking, and ability to work cohesively with others, saved the lives of numerous people.

My experiences have proved that I can prevail against adversity. Receiving a commission would be the culmination of a lifelong pursuit to become an officer in the United States Navy. I know I will be able to proudly serve my country, just as I have served the city and county of Tuscaloosa.

This is much more concise and when I looked at my previous text objectively, this is better suited to the goal of the statement, to be concise.
 
I think I need to work on my conclusion as it is written above. They way I have it, to me, is choppy and just thrown together.
 
My experiences have proved that I can prevail against adversity. I want to become an officer in order to continue to make significant contributions to the people and the world around me. Receiving a commission would be the culmination of a lifelong pursuit to become an officer in the United States Navy. I know I will be able to proudly serve my country, just as I have served the city and county of Tuscaloosa.

How about this for a conclusion? I'm trying to make it flow and sound right and not too verbose and I'm not sure if I'm quite accomplishing that.
 
Sorry to keep repeating. Lets try this one. I tried to delete the one above but I was unsuccessful.

When I was nine years old, my father took me to visit the USS Intrepid Museum in New York City. As he and I walked around the flight deck of the ship, I was consumed by its awe inspiring size and extraordinary history. It was then that I knew I wanted to become an officer in the United States Navy. Since I was very young, my parents instilled in me the desire to perform my absolute best and to never settle for anything less. More importantly, they taught me to always be a leader, and to always act with integrity and honor no matter what difficulties and hurdles I encounter. I want to utilize the tools my parents have provided me with to realize my dream of becoming an officer in the United States Navy.

As a Sheriff’s Deputy I have demonstrated many sound qualities. Courage, character, and leadership skills are among a few. My decision making ability is tested nightly on duty, where I am required to be a force of calm in a world sometimes filled with chaos. I have been exposed to many highly demanding situations including surviving a shooting where my partner and I were fired on repeatedly by an assailant, as well as responding to the immediate aftermath of a large tornado that devastated the city of Tuscaloosa. I was among the first to arrive on the scene after the violent storm narrowly missed my home. I led fellow deputies, paramedics, and citizens in search and recovery tasks immediately following the disaster. I also supervised Alabama National Guard personnel assigned to my checkpoints while jointly conducting security efforts with their units in the disaster area for several weeks following the tragedy. My swift critical thinking, and ability to work cohesively with others, saved the lives of numerous people.

My experiences have proved that I can prevail against adversity. I want to become an officer in order to continue to make significant contributions to the people and the world around me. Receiving a commission would be the culmination of a lifelong pursuit to become an officer in the United States Navy. I know I will be able to proudly serve my country, just as I have served the city and county of Tuscaloosa.
 
Tide2365 said:
Sorry to keep repeating. Lets try this one. I tried to delete the one above but I was unsuccessful.

When I was nine years old, my father took me to visit the USS Intrepid Museum in New York City. As he and I walked around the flight deck of the ship, I was consumed by its awe inspiring size and extraordinary history. It was then that I knew I wanted to become an officer in the United States Navy. Since I was very young, my parents instilled in me the desire to perform my absolute best and to never settle for anything less. More importantly, they taught me to always be a leader, and to always act with integrity and honor no matter what difficulties and hurdles I encounter. I want to utilize the tools my parents have provided me with to realize my dream of becoming an officer in the United States Navy.

As a Sheriff’s Deputy I have demonstrated many sound qualities. Courage, character, and leadership skills are among a few. My decision making ability is tested nightly on duty, where I am required to be a force of calm in a world sometimes filled with chaos. I have been exposed to many highly demanding situations including surviving a shooting where my partner and I were fired on repeatedly by an assailant, as well as responding to the immediate aftermath of a large tornado that devastated the city of Tuscaloosa. I was among the first to arrive on the scene after the violent storm narrowly missed my home. I led fellow deputies, paramedics, and citizens in search and recovery tasks immediately following the disaster. I also supervised Alabama National Guard personnel assigned to my checkpoints while jointly conducting security efforts with their units in the disaster area for several weeks following the tragedy. My swift critical thinking, and ability to work cohesively with others, saved the lives of numerous people.

My experiences have proved that I can prevail against adversity. I want to become an officer in order to continue to make significant contributions to the people and the world around me. Receiving a commission would be the culmination of a lifelong pursuit to become an officer in the United States Navy. I know I will be able to proudly serve my country, just as I have served the city and county of Tuscaloosa.
Click to expand...

I think this flows much better and conveys your message a little better. The part in bold should be changed above. Maybe that "and" should be an "or." You could just eliminate one or the other due to difficulties saying essentially the same thing as hurdles. You forgot a sentence above that I added from your original statement so that is why your conclusion probably sounded choppy. Try this for your conclusion.

I believe my experiences have proved that I can prevail against adversity. Now I want to become a Naval Officer to further cultivate and apply my strong leadership abilities. I wish to continue to make significant contributions to the people and the world around me. Receiving a commission would be the culmination of a lifelong pursuit to become an officer in the United States Navy. I know I will be able to proudly serve my country, just as I have served the city and county of Tuscaloosa.

What do you think?

Edit: Now that I have read the conclusion again it seems to be repeating so I will help you out later when I can. I have to get ready for work.
 
Tide2365 said:
I definitely like it now. I definitely want to work on that conclusion but I love the changes the more I read it.
Click to expand...

Here is my suggestion for your conclusion...

I believe my experiences have proved that I can prevail against adversity. I further desire to make significant contributions to the people and the world around me. Receiving a commission, in the United States Navy, would be the culmination of my lifelong pursuit. I know I will be able to proudly serve my country, just as I have served the city and county of Tuscaloosa.

It is basically what you wrote. I read yours again I thought it sounded much better than I originally grasped. I don't know what I was thinking! :rolleyes:... Anyways I tweaked it just a hair. At the beginning saying I believe prior to my experiences brings a little humble pie to your statement which is always a plus. I knocked out a little of the second sentence to make it a little more concise and I think desire sounds better than want in this instance. Again I just made the third sentence a little concise by rearranging it and knocking out a few things. The last sentence is a really good finish. Post another draft with your changes and hopefully others will chime in with their thoughts but I like what you have done here. GREAT JOB!
 
Thanks twobecrazy. Here is another draft with the changes:

When I was nine years old, my father took me to visit the USS Intrepid Museum in New York City. As he and I walked around the flight deck of the ship, I was consumed by its awe inspiring size and extraordinary history. It was then that I knew I wanted to become an officer in the United States Navy. Since I was very young, my parents instilled in me the desire to perform my absolute best and to never settle for anything less. More importantly, they taught me to always be a leader, and to always act with integrity and honor no matter what hurdles I encounter. I want to utilize the tools my parents have provided me with to realize my dream of becoming an officer in the United States Navy.

As a Sheriff’s Deputy I have demonstrated many sound qualities. Courage, character, and leadership skills are among a few. My decision making ability is tested nightly on duty, where I am required to be a force of calm in a world sometimes filled with chaos. I have been exposed to many highly demanding situations including surviving a shooting where my partner and I were fired on repeatedly by an assailant, as well as responding to the immediate aftermath of a large tornado that devastated the city of Tuscaloosa. I was among the first to arrive on the scene after the violent storm narrowly missed my home. I led fellow deputies, paramedics, and citizens in search and recovery tasks immediately following the disaster. I also supervised Alabama National Guard personnel assigned to my checkpoints while jointly conducting security efforts with their units in the disaster area for several weeks following the tragedy. My swift critical thinking, leadership skills, and ability to work cohesively with others, saved the lives of numerous people.

I believe that my experiences have proved that I can prevail against adversity. I desire to further make significant contributions to the people and the world around me. The honor of receiving a commission would be the culmination of my lifelong pursuit. I know I will be able to proudly serve my country, just as I have served the city and county of Tuscaloosa.

I'm very very happy with how it has changed. I greatly appreciate your help.
 
Tide2365 said:
Thanks twobecrazy. Here is another draft with the changes:

When I was nine years old, my father took me to visit the USS Intrepid Museum in New York City. As he and I walked around the flight deck of the ship, I was consumed by its awe inspiring size and extraordinary history. It was then that I knew I wanted to become an officer in the United States Navy. Since I was very young, my parents instilled in me the desire to perform my absolute best and to never settle for anything less. More importantly, they taught me to always be a leader, and to always act with integrity and honor no matter what hurdles I encounter. I want to utilize the tools my parents have provided me with to realize my dream of becoming an officer in the United States Navy.

As a Sheriff’s Deputy I have demonstrated many sound qualities. Courage, character, and leadership skills are among a few. My decision making ability is tested nightly on duty, where I am required to be a force of calm in a world sometimes filled with chaos. I have been exposed to many highly demanding situations including surviving a shooting where my partner and I were fired on repeatedly by an assailant, as well as responding to the immediate aftermath of a large tornado that devastated the city of Tuscaloosa. I was among the first to arrive on the scene after the violent storm narrowly missed my home. I led fellow deputies, paramedics, and citizens in search and recovery tasks immediately following the disaster. I also supervised Alabama National Guard personnel assigned to my checkpoints while jointly conducting security efforts with their units in the disaster area for several weeks following the tragedy. My swift critical thinking, leadership skills, and ability to work cohesively with others, saved the lives of numerous people.

I believe that my experiences have proved that I can prevail against adversity. I desire to further make significant contributions to the people and the world around me. The honor of receiving a commission would be the culmination of my lifelong pursuit. I know I will be able to proudly serve my country, just as I have served the city and county of Tuscaloosa.

I'm very very happy with how it has changed. I greatly appreciate your help.
Click to expand...

No problem... My pleasure.... I don't think I noticed this until now but just one last quick thing... I would change one of the above (see bold with italics) to Naval Officer and leave the other as is.
 
Got it. I will switch one of them. Thank you very much for taking your time to keep reading this. It's greatly appreciated.
 
Hey I do not know exactly where to go to post a thread on help for my motivational statement for OCS for the Navy. If anyone could helpe me out and give me some pointers on what I should take out or add I would greatly appreciate it. If you could email me it would be even better. (kyle.mccoy21@gmail.com) Here is what I have so far.

Dedication to my country is the biggest factor that drives me to become a Naval Officer. I have spent twenty three years enjoying freedoms that people have sacrificed their lives to protect. I would like the chance to take initiative by becoming a Naval Officer with the opportunity to lead others with sound judgment, honor, integrity, and decisiveness. My passion of becoming a Naval Officer and Aviator is equal to my unwavering devotion for my country. I believe that it is my duty to serve my country with honor and integrity and to lead others to act in the same manner. The events of 9/11 have solidified my commitment and drive to becoming a Naval Officer. It has been a lifelong dream to become an Aviator, and I feel the United States Navy is where I can make the most of myself and gain the most fulfilling career. The Navy and Naval Aviators are the fore front of this nation when conflicts and humanitarian issues arise and I want to be a part of making a difference. Ensuring freedom from abroad and for my fellow friends and family on United States soil is something that cannot be easily put into words. There is a fire and passion that can only be felt from within and given the chance I would like to share these same desires with fellow countrymen as a leader and most importantly, a Naval Officer. I have actively studied military history and aircraft, and on multiple occasions have visited the Air National Guard in Tulsa to speak with F-16 pilots on their paths that led them to becoming a pilot. Every chance that I have I am doing something that gets me off the ground. I have done ride a longs with the helicopter unit for the Tulsa Police Department. I also keep in close contact with the Tulsa War Bird Community; they are a group of enthusiasts who own aircraft from the Second World War
There are several factors which make me highly competitive and set me apart from other individuals. My dedication and work ethic are two factors which I believe differentiate me from other candidates. I have held two jobs in addition to being enrolled in 15 or more credit hours every semester throughout college with a 3.0 GPA or higher in seeking a degree in Homeland Security. I have the determination and drive to balance a full time schedule and complete extracurricular activities that better myself and the community. I devote myself to giving back to my community through helping with the Alzheimer's Association and the American League for the Blind. I am constantly trying to better myself in all aspects of life. I keep myself in great physical condition by working out three to four times a week before I begin my day. I am currently employed at Los Cabos Mexican Grill, one of the highest volume restaurants in the state of Oklahoma. In less than a year, I was first promoted to new employee trainer and then to head server. I was promoted to these positions by receiving the highest sales every month in multiple categories. Additionally, I have implemented new policies at my work place that have saved our restaurant thousands of dollars in labor costs and have boosted the server staff morale by cutting down the amount of time needed for closing. In my previous work place, I again demonstrated my competitive work ethic by winning quarterly over-all sales on multiple occasions. I have accomplished these achievements through my determination and work professionalism. I feel what sets me apart from other individuals is my ability to accomplish multiple tasks when they are given to me. I am constantly adapting to changes in order to complete any goal I have set for myself or that has been given to me by another. I do so in such a manner that shows great tact and reflects highly of myself and those around me.

Thank you for all the help guys
 
A few little copy edits and notes
Tide2365 said:
When I was nine years old, my father took me to visit the USS Intrepid Museum in New York City. As he and I walked around the flight deck of the ship, I was consumed by its awe-inspiring (added a hyphen) size and extraordinary history. It was then that I knew I wanted to become an officer in the United States Navy. Since I was very young ("Since I was young" is awkward here and technically not quite correct since "since" denotes "after", not "starting when". It may be slightly more wordy, but "From the time I was young" is better.), my parents instilled in me the desire to perform my absolute best and to never settle for anything less. More importantly, they taught me to always be a leader, and to always act with integrity and honor no matter what hurdles I encounter. I want to utilize the tools my parents have provided me with to realize my dream of becoming an officer in the United States Navy.

As a Sheriff’s Deputy I have demonstrated many sound qualities. ("Sound qualities" is pretty weak. It just means free from defect, or competent. So you are basically saying you are adequate. I'm sure you can come up with a better adjective.) Courage, character, and leadership skills are among a few. (Among a few what? Incomplete as is. "...among of few the the traits that distinguish me from me peers", for example.)My decision making ability is tested nightly on duty, where I am required to be a force of calm in a world sometimes filled with chaos. I have been exposed to many highly demanding situations(comma), including surviving a shooting where my partner and I were fired on repeatedly by an assailant, as well as responding to the immediate aftermath of a large tornado that devastated the city of Tuscaloosa. I was among the first to arrive on the scene after the violent storm narrowly missed my home. I led fellow deputies, paramedics, and citizens in search and recovery tasks immediately following the disaster. I also supervised Alabama National Guard personnel assigned to my checkpoints while jointly conducting security efforts with their units in the disaster area for several weeks following the tragedy. My swift critical thinking, leadership skills, and ability to work cohesively with others (deleted comma) saved the lives of numerous people.

I believe that my experiences have proved that I can prevail against adversity. I desire to further make significant contributions to the people and the world around me. The honor of receiving a commission would be the culmination of my lifelong pursuit. I know I will be able to proudly serve my country, just as I have served the city and county of Tuscaloosa.
.
Click to expand...
 
Thank you for your suggestions. I will definitely rework those parts. I'm trying to think of an adjective that may be better than sound
 
It took me some thought, but I think I have a good start on my motivational statement. I am not sure how I can incorporate my knowledge, leadership ability and what not in my body paragraph. I would like some feed back on what I have already. It is a working progress. = )

It has been my life time dream to serve in the armed forces and a calling to continue serving in the United States Navy as a commissioned officer. Since completing basic training, I have had the opportunity to serve under some of the finest officers the Navy has to offer. As a noncommissioned officer I instill the navy core values of honor, courage, and commitment every day.
 
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