Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[twobecrazy]

Any takers?

Yea... Quick question... Why do you mention aviation in your statement so much but you are applying for Supply/PAO/SWO?

 

[Lucy]

I wondered about that too

 

[strawberry22]

I think of the Navy as half aviation, half marine, I wanted to explain why I'm so interested in the branch. I have a lot of history with aviation, so I thought it would be something to express. I was thinking the statement was more about why Navy, why Officer, less about a specific job focus. If it seems to much, I'll probably edit that part.

As far as the whole statement, is it too long/does it get to the point (and is the point a good one)?

 

[cktaylor31]

I would like to apologize if my question does not fit into this forum but I have had a hard time finding the answer to my question. I am going to submit my OCS package before its deadline prior to me leaving on a deployment. If I am selected while deployed will I need to be sent back early?

Thank you in advance.

 

[Xope_Poquar]

This thread has really helped inspire me with what to write. As an electrical engineer, creative writing isn't my strong point. Here's what I have so far:



Somebody once asked me what I would do differently if I knew I would only live half as long. In the past I thought about pursuing careers that would pay the most or careers that would allow me to boast at my high school reunions. In the end I discovered humility. Why not give back to the country that has given so much to me; my freedoms, liberties, and opportunities? It is my greatest honor to apply for a commission in the United States Navy.

My motivation for seeking the commission comes from my enthusiasm in electronics and power systems from my studies at my university. The Naval Nuclear Propulsion program will allow me to apply my passion to my career while serving my country.

Looking back I see from an early age I possessed traits of a leader. My friends and classmates looked to me for support and guidance. Through high school I was an active member in the FFA and captain of the school percussion program where precision and meticulousness was key. I helped the members realize their true potential resulting in the music department's first gold medal from a major competition. I am currently leading a project in college with obstacles we are not taught how to overcome in the classroom. I have full confidence we will succeed, and my team develop important skills to use later in their careers. Although I could monotonously list adjectives I realize that leadership is any characteristic which presents a positive direction for those you are leading.

With the skills I am learning in college and the skills I already maintain I will be a valuable asset in the Navy. I possess the honor, courage, and commitment the Navy demands in its leaders, as well as the motivation and intellect to overcome the challenges ahead. It would be my proudest moment to join the ranks of the United States Navy.

 

[nismospeed5spd]

I would greatly appreciate any advice or suggestions for my motivational statement. I will be applying for INTEL, INFOWAR and PILOT designators.

"Coming to college I lacked clear direction or purpose, but something I could always rely on was my father's advice, and his calm demeanor even when I would call home stressed about classes. One day I decided to ask him the question that most sons ask of their fathers; how did you become the man you are today? He calmly said, "my time at the Naval Academy followed by years of service set the foundation for the man I’ve become." It was from that time forward that I have been working towards serving my country as a United States Naval Officer. My father served in the first Gulf War and 14 1/2 years total before leaving the Navy on his own terms as a Lieutenant Commander. I also appreciate my grandfather’s service and sacrifice that he provided to our country as a senior enlisted man in the ‘SeaBees’ who served 4 years in Vietnam and helped to build out Diego Garcia in the Indian Ocean in the 1970’s before retiring. My academic performance is not the most competitive, but my desire and passion for serving in the United States Navy has motivated me during my college career to focus on developing as an attentive, hard worker in the classroom, a fair and ethical manager, and a leader in everyday life.

To be the best Naval Officer Candidate, I will use all of my collegiate and life experiences gained at California State University, Northridge (CSUN). As a Senator for the Associated Students (A.S.) two years ago, I learned the value of understanding organizational culture, hierarchy, and how to follow orders to the fullest. My third year at CSUN, I began transitioning into a leading administrative role as the Vice President of A.S., and I began to see and appreciate the broader picture while administering an A.S. budget of approximately $6.5 million. This responsibility highlighted how difficult it is to represent opinions or directives that are not my own, that are issued by my superiors [the President] and, that I must follow and publicly support. In these situations I never blindly followed their orders/directions without providing alternative options, perspectives, and counsel to senior leaders in order to aide them in their decision making. Finally, in my senior year and as President of A.S., I understood the responsibilities that leaders have to empower and develop others by leading by example, delegating authority to others, and serving as a role model. My role as President has provided me with numerous opportunities to work closely with our university's senior administrators on numerous projects which has in turn provided me with invaluable analytical and interpersonal communication experience in support of senior leadership."

Thank you all so much for your help to me and others

 

[QueenK]

You guys are awesome for helping people out. I read through this thread a bit before writing and it was really helpful.

My determination to become a commissioned officer of the United States Navy stems from my husband. As a result of his current service in the United States Navy, I have met a variety of people, officers and enlisted personnel and overwhelmingly they have possessed honor, courage, commitment, integrity, leadership, and pride in serving beyond themselves. They are part of something bigger than one person. Since graduating from college, I have been searching for a career that will allow me to develop and exemplify all of those values.

I see in myself those traits but I desire to make them permanent and strong. And serving as an officer in the United States Navy would enable me to develop myself to my full potential. My leadership ability was developed while I worked with middle school and high school students as a program facilitator and instructor. During my two-year tenure I was faced with many unique and character building leadership challenges. I had to keep a classroom of apathetic students motivated and excited about the task at hand while ensuring their safety. I learned that in order to be a good leader, I had to set the example; and if I wanted my students held to a certain standard, I also had to hold myself to that standard. I learned how to think on my toes and how to any adapt situation, no matter how unexpected.


If selected to be a US Navy Officer, I will be an inspiration to others and an embodiment of both the Navy core values and the traits found in all good leaders. I know I will make choices that my subordinates may be unhappy with. I will stand firm in unpopularity should the need arise, but always remain approachable and fair. Above all else, I will keep in mind that no matter how far my career takes me, I am never above reproach and that I am answerable to subordinates, my superior officers, my peers, and ultimately to the American people I will have sworn to defend.


Thank you so much for taking the time to look this over.

 

[VNE]

*Disclaimer* My Motivational Statement has been, by far, the most difficult part of my application package to complete. I did my best to make mine come from the heart, and any advice would be very much appreciated.


My life's greatest aspiration since childhood has been to serve my country as a career officer. Attaining an opportunity to serve is a dream of a lifetime, and I knew very early on that I have what it takes to pursue it. Growing up in a military family, my father was a United States Air Force pilot in West Germany. Military service has been a mainstay of my life's experiences, and through it I have come to admire the history, courage, sacrifice and traditions of this great country. Several family members of mine have proudly served our great country, including my aunt who served on the faculty at the United States Naval Academy.

My years of playing many seasons of several sports, Boy Scouts, marching band in middle school and high school continued to prepare me for the disciplined rigor of military life. The teamwork, leadership, perseverance and determination I learned in these activities built my "can do" spirit and aided me to endure and succeed. My senior year in high school was pivotal as I again was challenged to help lead my marching band to the highest of accolades at UIL competition, even earning a spot at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. It was also during high school that I experienced the United States Naval Sea Cadet Corps. This rigorous program met throughout the year with a two-week summer boot camp at Ft. Huachuaca, Arizona. It was the culmination of these valuable experiences that cultivated and molded my inner strength as I was challenged and inspired to excel. The challenges of the Naval Sea Cadet program affirmed my aspirations and contributed to my strong determination to pursue a navy career.

In college, my military roots were firmly planted again as I joined ROTC and became a member of their honor guard, rifle team, and football team. While working my way through school, I was able to earn my private pilot's license. These experiences set me apart as a student and added a greater positive dimension to my college years. It was also during this time that I set to work organizing and establishing the Student Aviation Association (SAA) at the University of North Texas campus. This organization was the first of its kind and as an officer and visionary, I was able to make strong recommendations and leadership contributions. It was my direction and influence that founded our university's competitive flight team. As the flight team's Captain, I lead students to prepare for national intercollegiate flying competitions and oversaw the required training to excel at these events. My determination to lead in a competitive flying environment will serve me well as I lead our country's sailors. I am committed to performing the duties required of a naval officer and it would be my greatest privilege to serve as an officer in the United States Navy.

 

[twobecrazy]

This thread has really helped inspire me with what to write. As an electrical engineer, creative writing isn't my strong point. Here's what I have so far:



Somebody once asked me what I would do differently if I knew I would only live half as long. In the past I thought about pursuing careers that would pay the most or careers that would allow me to boast at my high school reunions. In the end I discovered humility. Why not give back to the country that has given so much to me; my freedoms, liberties, and opportunities? It is my greatest honor to apply for a commission in the United States Navy.

My motivation for seeking the commission comes from my enthusiasm in electronics and power systems from my studies at my university. The Naval Nuclear Propulsion program will allow me to apply my passion to my career while serving my country.

Looking back I see from an early age I possessed traits of a leader. My friends and classmates looked to me for support and guidance. Through high school I was an active member in the FFA and captain of the school percussion program where precision and meticulousness was key. I helped the members realize their true potential resulting in the music department's first gold medal from a major competition. I am currently leading a project in college with obstacles we are not taught how to overcome in the classroom. I have full confidence we will succeed, and my team develop important skills to use later in their careers. Although I could monotonously list adjectives I realize that leadership is any characteristic which presents a positive direction for those you are leading.

With the skills I am learning in college and the skills I already maintain I will be a valuable asset in the Navy. I possess the honor, courage, and commitment the Navy demands in its leaders, as well as the motivation and intellect to overcome the challenges ahead. It would be my proudest moment to join the ranks of the United States Navy.

I don't have much time anymore to truly go through these motivational statements and tear them apart. So I'm just going to give you my quick take on this statement. Overall, I think the statement has potential but it needs a little work. The stuff in bold I don't like very much. It is not the way I believe you want to present yourself. The stuff in italics is missing a word or two which would complete the sentence. Work on that stuff then re-post it here and someone will give it look over.

 

[twobecrazy]

I would greatly appreciate any advice or suggestions for my motivational statement. I will be applying for INTEL, INFOWAR and PILOT designators.

"Coming to college I lacked clear direction or purpose, but something I could always rely on was my father's advice, and his calm demeanor even when I would call home stressed about classes. One day I decided to ask him the question that most sons ask of their fathers; how did you become the man you are today? He calmly said, "my time at the Naval Academy followed by years of service set the foundation for the man I’ve become." It was from that time forward that I have been working towards serving my country as a United States Naval Officer. My father served in the first Gulf War and 14 1/2 years total before leaving the Navy on his own terms as a Lieutenant Commander. I also appreciate my grandfather’s service and sacrifice that he provided to our country as a senior enlisted man in the ‘SeaBees’ who served 4 years in Vietnam and helped to build out Diego Garcia in the Indian Ocean in the 1970’s before retiring. My academic performance is not the most competitive, but my desire and passion for serving in the United States Navy has motivated me during my college career to focus on developing as an attentive, hard worker in the classroom, a fair and ethical manager, and a leader in everyday life.

To be the best Naval Officer Candidate, I will use all of my collegiate and life experiences gained at California State University, Northridge (CSUN). As a Senator for the Associated Students (A.S.) two years ago, I learned the value of understanding organizational culture, hierarchy, and how to follow orders to the fullest. My third year at CSUN, I began transitioning into a leading administrative role as the Vice President of A.S., and I began to see and appreciate the broader picture while administering an A.S. budget of approximately $6.5 million. This responsibility highlighted how difficult it is to represent opinions or directives that are not my own, that are issued by my superiors [the President] and, that I must follow and publicly support. In these situations I never blindly followed their orders/directions without providing alternative options, perspectives, and counsel to senior leaders in order to aide them in their decision making. Finally, in my senior year and as President of A.S., I understood the responsibilities that leaders have to empower and develop others by leading by example, delegating authority to others, and serving as a role model. My role as President has provided me with numerous opportunities to work closely with our university's senior administrators on numerous projects which has in turn provided me with invaluable analytical and interpersonal communication experience in support of senior leadership."

Thank you all so much for your help to me and others

There is no need for the quotes before and after the statement. You have too much fluff in this statement and you are a little too honest concerning yourself (see the "My academic performance..."). You can eliminate "... in the Indian Ocean" after Diego Garcia. The way you make this statement seem is that you are joining the military because your father and grandfather did. Is this accurate? Reason I am asking is because I'm trying to figure out why you want to join the Navy. This is a pretty question you need to answer in your statement. You also need to answer the following question. Why should the Navy choose you? Finally you transition from speaking about your family into academic performance at the end of the last paragraph. You need to separate those into different paragraphs. Re-post when you complete your edits and someone will look it over.

 

[twobecrazy]

You guys are awesome for helping people out. I read through this thread a bit before writing and it was really helpful.

My determination to become a commissioned officer of the United States Navy stems from my husband. As a result of his current service in the United States Navy, I have met a variety of people, officers and enlisted personnel and overwhelmingly they have possessed honor, courage, commitment, integrity, leadership, and pride in serving beyond themselves. They are part of something bigger than one person. Since graduating from college, I have been searching for a career that will allow me to develop and exemplify all of those values.

I see in myself those traits but I desire to make them permanent and strong. And serving as an officer in the United States Navy would enable me to develop myself to my full potential. My leadership ability was developed while I worked with middle school and high school students as a program facilitator and instructor. During my two-year tenure I was faced with many unique and character building leadership challenges. I had to keep a classroom of apathetic students motivated and excited about the task at hand while ensuring their safety. I learned that in order to be a good leader, I had to set the example; and if I wanted my students held to a certain standard, I also had to hold myself to that standard. I learned how to think on my toes and how to any adapt situation, no matter how unexpected.


If selected to be a US Navy Officer, I will be an inspiration to others and an embodiment of both the Navy core values and the traits found in all good leaders. I know I will make choices that my subordinates may be unhappy with. I will stand firm in unpopularity should the need arise, but always remain approachable and fair. Above all else, I will keep in mind that no matter how far my career takes me, I am never above reproach and that I am answerable to subordinates, my superior officers, my peers, and ultimately to the American people I will have sworn to defend.


Thank you so much for taking the time to look this over.

This was easy! ... Eliminate the "And" in bold above and I think you have a Great statement! Good Job!

 

[twobecrazy]

*Disclaimer* My Motivational Statement has been, by far, the most difficult part of my application package to complete. I did my best to make mine come from the heart, and any advice would be very much appreciated.


My life's greatest aspiration since childhood has been to serve my country as a career officer. Attaining an opportunity to serve is a dream of a lifetime, and I knew very early on that I have what it takes to pursue it. Growing up in a military family, my father was a United States Air Force pilot in West Germany. Military service has been a mainstay of my life's experiences, and through it I have come to admire the history, courage, sacrifice and traditions of this great country. Several family members of mine have proudly served our great country, including my aunt who served on the faculty at the United States Naval Academy.

My years of playing many seasons of several sports, Boy Scouts, marching band in middle school and high school continued to prepare me for the disciplined rigor of military life. The teamwork, leadership, perseverance and determination I learned in these activities built my "can do" spirit and aided me to endure and succeed. My senior year in high school was pivotal as I again was challenged to help lead my marching band to the highest of accolades at UIL competition, even earning a spot at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. It was also during high school that I experienced the United States Naval Sea Cadet Corps. This rigorous program met throughout the year with a two-week summer boot camp at Ft. Huachuaca, Arizona. It was the culmination of these valuable experiences that cultivated and molded my inner strength as I was challenged and inspired to excel. The challenges of the Naval Sea Cadet program affirmed my aspirations and contributed to my strong determination to pursue a navy career.

In college, my military roots were firmly planted again as I joined ROTC and became a member of their honor guard, rifle team, and football team. While working my way through school, I was able to earn my private pilot's license. These experiences set me apart as a student and added a greater positive dimension to my college years. It was also during this time that I set to work organizing and establishing the Student Aviation Association (SAA) at the University of North Texas campus. This organization was the first of its kind and as an officer and visionary, I was able to make strong recommendations and leadership contributions. It was my direction and influence that founded our university's competitive flight team. As the flight team's Captain, I lead students to prepare for national intercollegiate flying competitions and oversaw the required training to excel at these events. My determination to lead in a competitive flying environment will serve me well as I lead our country's sailors. I am committed to performing the duties required of a naval officer and it would be my greatest privilege to serve as an officer in the United States Navy.

Quick question... If you were in ROTC why are you applying for OCS?

 

[VNE]

Quick question... If you were in ROTC why are you applying for OCS?

I was going to address that in Section 14 of the ASPR. I left that university to pursue a civilian flight school (Didn't have any ROTC programs there or anywhere nearby.) Do you think I should address it directly in my MS? I was debating whether or not I should.

Anything else that stands out to anyone with a raised eyebrow?

(@Twobecrazy...thanks for taking the time to read it.)

 

[twobecrazy]

I was going to address that in Section 14 of the ASPR. I left that university to pursue a civilian flight school (Didn't have any ROTC programs there or anywhere nearby.) Do you think I should address it directly in my MS? I was debating whether or not I should.

Anything else that stands out to anyone with a raised eyebrow?

(@Twobecrazy...thanks for taking the time to read it.)

Gotcha. You should be fine and your statement sounds pretty good from a content standpoint.

 

[QueenK]

This was easy! ... Eliminate the "And" in bold above and I think you have a Great statement! Good Job!

Thanks!