Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[yakboyslim]

Leadership is a skill that I have cultivated through both experience and by following examples of those before me. - I prefer my write of that sentence, but it is not that much better.
Two of these examples within my life are my Father and Grandfather. Growing up I always had an interest in joining the United States Armed Forces. This is due in part to my family history. My Grandfather was a Lieutenant Commander in the Navy during the second World War and the Korean War. He flew a Martin PBM Mariner out of Recife, Brazil and Iwacuni, Japan. My father was also in the United States Navy, during the Vietnam conflict, he was stationed on the USS Ranger. Both of these men have been beneficial examples for my moral and physical development.

Their examples taught me the value of compassion, sacrifice, duty and perseverance. Through these traits I attained a 3.9 GPA in High school while participating in cross country, track, swimming, student government, the National Honors Society and theater. As a stage manager in theater, swim team captain and National Honors Society Co-president I had the opportunity to organize, lead and encourage others to perform their best and give back to the community. Toward the end of my senior year, I chose to pursue a degree that would prove to be a challenge both mentally and spiritually. This led me to the mechanical engineering program at George Fox University where I worked while going to school full time. I believe that the United States Navy would be an optimal environment to utilize and expand upon my skills as an engineer and a leader.

-I would drop the GPA from the list, but that's just me.
-Spiritually is a possibly odd word choice, you might try something else, unless that is truly what you mean.


I choose to seek a commission within the United States Navy to not only protect my family, friends and America's freedoms; but to help those in need through compassion, sacrifice and duty. I would consider it an honor and a privilege to demonstrate my desire and ability to persevere and lead.

-I would possibly choose other words than compassion sacrifice and duty, just because you already used them. More bang for your buck. But there is nothing wrong with that wording.



Rip it to shreds!

Overall pretty good. If you plan on putting another draft up, I'll take a more thorough look, I just ran out of time. I'm sure others will be willing to give you some critique.

 

[m26]

Leadership is a skill I have learned to cultivate through experience and by example.

As yakboy says, this must be changed. Although you clarify with the next sentence, this one has too much of a 'huh?' element to it. What does it mean to cultivate leadership by example?

Growing up I always had an interest in joining the United States Armed Forces.

I don't believe (you can look it up) that the 'US Armed Forces' is an actual formal entity. If it's not, you should not capitalize the phrase.

This is due in part to my family history. My Grandfather was a Lieutenant Commander in the Navy during the second World War and the Korean War.

He was an O4 through the entirety of both wars?

He flew a Martin PBM Mariner out of Recife, Brazil and Iwacuni, Japan.

Why do you mention this?

My father was also in the United States Navy, during the Vietnam conflict, he was stationed on the USS Ranger.

--> My father was also in the Navy. During the Vietnam conflict he was stationed on the USS Ranger.

Both of these men have been beneficial examples for my moral and physical development.

"Beneficial examples?" Don't force things, and don't try to be wordier/more florid than you need to be.

Their examples taught me the value of compassion, sacrifice, duty and perseverance. Through these traits I attained a 3.9 GPA in High school...

I'm having trouble connecting compassion, and to a lesser extent sacrifice and duty, to GPA.

High school...

If you are a junior or senior in college (or graduate of ) I would STRONGLY recommend losing any references to high school.

Toward the end of my senior year, I chose to pursue a degree that would prove to be a challenge both mentally and spiritually.

What is the spiritual component of mechanical engineering?

This led me to the mechanical engineering program at George Fox University where I worked while going to school full time.

This is (grammatically) confusing. You worked full time at the engineering program at GFU while going to school (perhaps elsewhere?) full time?

I believe that the United States Navy would be an optimal environment to utilize and expand upon my skills...

I'm 70% in favor of 'is' rather than 'would be.'

I choose to seek a commission within the United States Navy to not only protect my family, friends and America's freedoms; but to help those in need through compassion, sacrifice and duty.

--> I seek a commission in the United States Navy not only to protect my family, friends, and America's freedoms, but to help those in need through compassion, sacrifice, and duty.

Please look that over and note the various corrections there (the comma after "friends" is I think one of those that's technically acceptable either way). Also, I again fail to see how duty helps those in need.

 

[yakboyslim]

m26 got all the big points.

I would say go ahead and put stuff about your experience in high school, but I would slim it down to only the stuff about leadership positions. I think your case warrants telling about high school, since it sounds like you worked in college instead. The motivational statement would be your only real chance to list these positions.

I had a similar case. In high school I was section leader of drumline and in college I was just in it, so I talked about high school there.

 

[yakboyslim]

Wow. Being that this is a largely "grammar" thread and puts me in the proofreading mood, my last post bothers me a lot.

 

[m26]

I think your case warrants telling about high school, since it sounds like you worked in college instead. The motivational statement would be your only real chance to list these positions.

A fair point.

 

[Phoenix289]

Here's another motivational statement example. I was pro-rec'd for BDCP SNA just this past October. I made mention of my ultimate career goals in the Navy. I also mentioned my father and grandfathers as a major motivation for me, but did not go too far into detail about their careers. This is about you after all. Hope this helps.


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Military service has been a long held goal of mine from an early age. My grandfathers, older brother and father have served in all four branches of the military, with my father’s experience as a Naval Aviator the most interesting and intriguing to me by far. There are many aspects of Naval service which appeal to me, but one in particular is that Naval Aviators are, to a far greater extent than their counterparts in some of the other services, allowed to think for themselves and are trusted to adapt to whatever tactical situation they may encounter as their training and experience has taught them. The Navy also has the unique characteristic of operating at sea which has been a long-term interest of mine, especially with recent training in sailing and seamanship. The traits which distinguish military officers (which include honesty, integrity, decisiveness, strong role models, valor and dedication to their country as well as those they serve with) establish a standard of excellence which I greatly hope to achieve for myself.

My leadership experience in Scouting has given me a solid foundation upon which to build my skills as an officer. As I worked my way to Eagle Scout with three palms, I was exposed to a wide range of practical skills, teamwork and leadership training and served in numerous leadership positions in my troop. In addition, my scouting career always emphasized the duty to one’s country as a significant part of the scout law; an ideal which has continued to strengthen my patriotism. I feel these experiences will prove invaluable as I transition to the role of officer.

In addition to becoming a Naval Officer and aviator I hope to apply my engineering degree and strong mathematics background in my training with the eventual goal of attending the Naval Test Pilot School. The challenge of the demanding courses of study there would represent the ultimate challenge to me as an aeronautical engineer and pilot.

The opportunities a career as a Naval Officer would afford me are limitless and far exceed those in the civilian world. I will be able to fulfill lifelong interests while gaining valuable real-world experience in a variety of fields. I can think of no better way to apply my scholastic and leadership training while serving my country.

 

[Ex_AO]

It's time for me to put my motivational statement out for some scrutiny. I'm working on earning a commission in the Navy Reserves (one year too old for active duty). Please review and rip apart, you won't hurt my feelings! Currently the statement is really close to the 400 word limit.

Thanks!

Throughout my life I have always sought out challenge and the opportunity to grow. This drive along with the strong desire to serve our country is why I enlisted in the Navy upon graduation from high school and went on to earn a Bachelor’s in Aerospace Engineering. Upon graduation from college I once again looked for ways to serve our country and decided to do so by taking a position at Johnson Space Center in support of NASA’s Space Shuttle and International Space Station Programs where I have supported real time space flight operations in mission control and performed analysis supporting the robotic arms on the Space Station and Space Shuttle.

During my enlisted service in the Navy I learned that the challenges and privileges of being a sailor in service to our country are well worth the sacrifices. I served in the Weapons Department on the USS Constellation where I consistently rose to meet challenges and received high ratings on my evaluations. After my first enlistment ended I continued to honor the core values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment the Navy has engrained into my life.

I strive to be an effective leader and have sought out opportunities to improve my leadership skills and abilities. During college I was the Chief Justice of the Embry-Riddle Student Affairs Judiciary Board. In this position I led a team of student judges that conducted judicial proceedings concerning student matters that ranged from alcohol in the dorms to cheating and plagiarism. After the hearings, our findings and recommendations where then provided to the Dean of Students. Today I continue to develop my leadership skills through membership and participation in the National Management Association (NMA) where I participate in numerous workshop, lectures, and classes.

My commitment to our nation has been demonstrated on a local level where I built homes through Habitat for Humanity and participated in recovery efforts after tropical storm Allison and hurricane Ike. Currently I support the Upward Soccer youth outreach program at my local church.

I desire to continue and build upon the level of commitment and service to the Navy that I started with my first enlistment. To this end I have decided to rejoin the Navy and apply for commission as an officer. Upon earning a selection as an officer I will be committing to a career in the Navy and plan to serve until retirement.

 

[m26]

[Ex_AO]

Pretty well refined. :thumbup_1

After my first enlistment ended I continued to honor the core values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment the Navy has engrained into my life.

I would go with "ingrained," unless "engrained" is common in Navy parlance.

I strive to be an effective leader and have sought out opportunities to improve my leadership skills and abilities. During college I was the Chief Justice of the Embry-Riddle Student Affairs Judiciary Board. In this position I led a team of student judges that conducted judicial proceedings concerning student matters that ranged from alcohol in the dormitories to cheating and plagiarism. [_] Today, I continue to develop my leadership skills through membership and participation in the National Management Association, where I participate in numerous workshop, lectures, and classes.

I desire to continue and build upon the level of commitment and service to the Navy that I started with my first enlistment. To this end I have decided to rejoin the Navy and apply for ["a commission" or "commissioning"] as an officer. If selected to become an officer I will be committing to a career in the Navy and plan to serve until retirement.

 

[Ex_AO]

Thanks for the input! I struggled on the choice of ingrained vs. engrained, I couldn't find much on which would be more appropriate for the context I'm using it in. The more I look into, I'm realizing that 'ingrained' seems to be more widely used.

Great suggestions, thanks for your time!

 

[m26]

Thanks for the input! I struggled on the choice of ingrained vs. engrained, I couldn't find much on which would be more appropriate for the context I'm using it in. The more I look into, I'm realizing that 'ingrained' seems to be more widely used.

Yeah, I had to look it up. I had never seen "engrained" before, but it's apparently a legitimate spelling (even though my computer disagrees). But I doubt the board members are going to go grab a dictionary for you. Why run the risk of them thinking you misspelled a word?

 

[Gus Gorilla]

Mid motivational statement

Hello AW. First post, but I've been a lurker for a while. I'm mid motivational statement and wanted to make sure I'm not getting off track. I am a prior-E AE2(AW) and I am unsure how much the board will really want to hear about it. It is safe to say I was a motivated sailor and I have some good meat there to throw in. My hangup is that prior to enlisting I was pretty much A.J. Shitbag. Nothing serious, just lacked motivation. The Navy turned me around and from enlistment on is where I would like to focus. (2001-current). My extra cirriculars are lacking as well due to holding down a full time job through college. Any direction or suggestions would be helpful.

 

[m26]

The Navy turned you around and motivated you, so much so that now you want to take your career to an even higher level.

That's a great motivational statement. Run with it.

 

[SE7]

Once again...

Let's try this again, thanks to a penguin who either has a shotgun, or a tank, and a scrawny, half boy, half yak, this should be better than last time. The reason why I have not dropped the high school GPA is because my recruiter said that I should only list my undergrad GPA on my application. Some of this has changed. Some of it has not. I am trying to figure out a way to keep some of the overall statements and ideas within the writing alive by giving them better supporting details. I still have roughly 50 words to tweak this with. That being said, have at again.

I have a feeling that my recruiter might look like this if I don't get this done soon: :icon_rage


Leadership is a skill I have learned to cultivate from the example of others and through experience. Two of these examples within my life are my Father and Grandfather. Growing up I always had an interest in joining the United States armed forces. This is due in part to my family history. My Grandfather flew in the Navy during the second World War and the Korean War, separating as a Lieutenant Commander. My father was also in the Navy. During the Vietnam conflict he was stationed on the USS Ranger. Both of these men have been vital examples for my moral and physical development.

Their examples taught me the value of compassion, sacrifice, duty and perseverance. As a result of these traits, I lead in high school as a stage manager in theater, swim team captain and National Honors Society Co-president while keeping a GPA of 3.9. I had the opportunity to organize and encourage others to perform their best and give back to the community. Toward the end of my senior year, I chose to pursue a degree that would prove to be a challenge both mentally and spiritually. This led me to the mechanical engineering program at the private Christian university of George Fox where I went to school full time and worked.

The George Fox University engineering program is service centered, helping fellow students and the community. During my senior year I was part of a team of engineering students that helped a non-profit organization called the Five Rock Ranch. As a team we surveyed their land for the installation of a micro-hydro system. Advising them as to which type of power generation system would be the most beneficial. This was considered part of the curriculum.

I believe that the United States Navy is an optimal environment to utilize and expand upon my skills as an engineer and as a leader. I seek a commission within the United States Navy to not only protect my family, friends and America's freedoms, but to help those in need through compassion, sacrifice and duty. I would consider it an honor and a privilege to demonstrate my desire and ability to persevere and lead.

 

[yakboyslim]

Leadership is a skill I have learned to cultivate from the example of others and through experience. Two of these examples within my life are my Father and Grandfather. Growing up I always had an interest in joining the United States armed forces. This is due in part to my family history. My Grandfather flew in the Navy during the second World War and the Korean War, separating as a Lieutenant Commander. My father was also in the Navy. During the Vietnam conflict he was stationed on the USS Ranger. Both of these men have been vital examples for my moral and physical development.

Their examples taught me the value of compassion, sacrifice, duty and perseverance. I employed these traits to lead in high school as a stage manager in theater, swim team captain and National Honors Society Co-president while keeping a GPA of 3.9. I had the opportunity to organize and encourage others to perform their best and give back to the community. Toward the end of my senior year, I chose to pursue a degree that would prove to be a challenge both mentally and spiritually. This led me to the mechanical engineering program at the private Christian university of George Fox where I went to school full time and worked.

The George Fox University engineering program is service centered, helping fellow students and the community. During my senior year I was part of a team of engineering students that helped a non-profit organization called the Five Rock Ranch. As a team we surveyed their land for the installation of a micro-hydro system. Advising them as to which type of power generation system would be the most beneficial. This was considered part of the curriculum. I would remove this sentence

I believe that the United States Navy is the optimal environment to utilize and expand upon my skills as an engineer and as a leader. I seek a commission within the United States Navy to not only protect my family, friends and America's freedoms, but to help those in need through compassion, sacrifice and duty. I would consider it an honor and a privilege to demonstrate my desire and ability to persevere and lead.

Its pretty good. Explaining that your college curriculum was service oriented is a big plus, I think.

 

[m26]

Leadership is a skill I have learned to cultivate from the example of others and through experience.

--> Leadership is a skill I have learned to cultivate through my own experience and through the examples of others.
OR
Leadership is a skill I have learned to cultivate both through my own experience and through the examples of others.

Two of these examples within my life are my Father and Grandfather.

---> Two such examples... [It's fairly clear that they are in your life (but not within).]

This is due in part to my family history.

The next few sentences make this sentence fairly redundant. Contra my usual advice, you need to spice this up or leave it out.

My father was also in the Navy. During the Vietnam conflict he was stationed on the USS Ranger.

I overuse the semicolon, but you don't, so:
--->My father was also in the Navy; during the Vietnam conflict he was stationed on the USS Ranger.

(Yes, I'm overruling my own advice from my last revision. That time it was just about making it right. Now it's about making it good.)

Their examples taught me the value of compassion, sacrifice, duty and perseverance.

I'm in favor of "they taught me." You could say that you've already built up the example thing, or that you should leave it in because it was, in fact, teaching by example... Nonetheless, I recommend the change.

while maintaining a GPA of 3.9

This led me to the mechanical engineering program at the private Christian university of George Fox where I went to school full time and worked.

Hmm, this is tough. First of all, all Christian schools are private, so you needn't say it. Secondly, "Christian university of George Fox" sounds really awkward.

This is what I'd do: take some of those spare words you have, write an extra sentence, and break this down a little better. (I'm trying here not to write this for you...)

"This led me to the mechanical engineering program at George Fox University - a Christian school." Then add in something about the actual spiritual fulfillment that was part of your degree/experience, along with your work and classload.

Oh, and "went to school full time and worked." is really clunky.

Advising them as to which type of power generation system would be the most beneficial.

Sentence fragment. (Get it? )