Marriage and API/Flight School - Advice?

[villanelle]

are you kidding me... someone please chime in with the villian quote something like "Those who get jets arnt the ones busy getting laid"

Damn now Ive gone and screwed the quote...

"...typically, the guys with the highest grades in flight school go jets, while those who perhaps spent a bit to much time having sex with their girlfriends when they should have been studying end up going helos. (says the now-wife of a helo bubba. )"
____

As for the OP, I think it depends on a lot of things. Do you already live together? What reason does she give for feeling the need to rush? Maybe she has one, but if you live in together or in the same city, then the only other possible reasons that come to mind are money and base privileges. I lived with Husband during the last couple of months of advanced and never had a need to get on base and I don't think the money is a significant amount.

If she has some other reason, maybe it is legit, but if it just about the "squeeeee!" of wedding planning and the emotional excitement of being husband and wife, then definitely wait. If she isn't a girl who is good at waiting, then she is going to have a heck of a time as a Navy wife. You have your whole life to be married; remind her that you are going to be together forever anyway, so waiting another couple years is essentially meaningless. Only don't use the word "meaningless" because it might get you in trouble.

I think the best time to get married would be in the FRS. You are still studying a ton but at least some small bit of the pressure is off. Unlike at a fleet squadron, you aren't deploying so there is no chance of spending a year planning a big to-do that you find out 4 weeks out you won't be in the country for. You may not get leave for a honeymoon, though that is true at any squadron, but you won't be deployed for your wedding.

In trying to talk her in to this, you can use the fact that after flight school, you will have more time to be involved in all things wedding, and your first days as husband and wife will be a little more fun. Only don't use the word "fun". Say "romantic"-- we eat that shit up.

Waiting for a test deployment sounds like a good idea, but that probably tacks another 2 years or more onto your timeline (FRS, time until and through your deployment). I doubt you will ever be able to sell her on that, especially because by then she will have potentially hauled her ass across the country for you, maybe several times.

 

[IrishEagle85]

Thanks for the advice Villianelle. Btw, it took a few minutes for your avatar to register with me... and then I laughed pretty hard for a good five minutes.

 

[FormerRecruitingGuru]

If she's pressing you.

SAY NO.

Belay that...

SAY HELL NO AND RUN.

Getting married in flight school is a bad idea. Or right before.

I would personally wait until after a deployment.

If she's worth it, she will wait.

Once again, the wise man speaks...

 

[rgfh2003]

*From another wive's point of view...

My husband is just finishing the ground aspect of Primary...so we have a long way to go, but I feel like I should add my two cents. It won't apply to you TOO much as he was prior enlisted, and we've been married for 4.5 years and have 2 kids and one on the way...

Flight school is tough as you already know. If you want to do well, you'll be like my husband studying EVERY day, taking 3-4 hours off for family/eating/PTing. Speaking from experience, marriage is work if you want it to succeed. If your girlfriend is "needy" and expects you to dote on her...getting married in flight school will be a challenge and I assure you - life will be unpleasant...

However...if your girlfriend was extremely independant and confident (especially when it comes to making friends/getting out of the house in a place like P-cola/Milton where there isn't TOO much to do) - I don't see how getting married could be a HUGE burden. - Especially if you did a justice of the peace and planned a BIG wedding for later.

One thing that I have heard repeatedly is that guy's who have someone to come home/unwind/encourage/vent to do better than the single guy who sulks about the bad flight... (remember, that's only what I HEARD...not speaking from experience).

I have also heard that there are the wives that create unnecessary burden on their husbands by complaining there's nothing to do, why don't you pay attention to me, etc.

Feel free to have your girlfriend email me if she has any questions, and I will answer them to the best of my ability/time.

For me personally, flight school isn't fun, however, my husband is doing what he's always dreamed of and loves...so what could be better? He's non-deployable, and I get go and have picnic lunches with him on an almost daily basis! SOSA (Spouses of Student Aviators - I think???) is large and if you live near Milton, your girlfriend can be active with that organization...

Good luck, it's a big decision!

 

[Jen]

From another wife's point of view:

My husband and I were married for over 2 years when he started API, so it may be different.. but we have done just fine. You can make it work. Your girlfriend/wife must realize, however, that you will need to study and that you have to spend time away from her to get to where you want to be. My advice for any spouse during this time is try working, finding hobbies, go back to school... or a combination of all three. My husband started flight school in January 07 and I started working on my MBA in April 07. Working and going back to school has left me with little time to myself (let alone another person!). We have been married for 3 1/2 years and our marriage is as strong as ever. You can make it work... both parties just have to be willing to work with each other.

BTW... jet students can be married and get good grades and have tons of loving too! :icon_tong.... this coming from a wife of an SNA in jet advanced.

 

[BigIron]

Please just wait. There's so much going on for you during flight school (really 2 years). If it is meant to be, it will be.

 

[maltwin1]

My fiance and I aren't married yet, so I can't help much with how flight school effects a marriage (but I'll soon find out). But I can tell you a lot about dating, getting engaged and planning a wedding while still making sure that my fiance succeeds in his military career.

Like you two, we started dating while we were in college and he was ROTC, so I have been prepared for this lifestyle from the begining. I think its really important for her to be well aware of what she is getting into. It is essential to keep in mind that just because you might not have time for her at that moment doesn't mean that you don't care about her. I know that my SO is putting all this work into flight school because he wants to do well for both of our futures, and that really helps as far as understanding what is going on.

Before my fiance went to TBS, before we were engaged, we said that we wanted to wait until he got his wings to get married, and I was fine with that. But as TBS wore on we decided that it was more stress for us to be apart than it would be for us to be together. Trying to plan times to visit was a chore, and he never wanted to study while I was in town because he felt like he never got to see me. For us, going ahead and getting married was the idea that worked. He recently finished API and is starting Primary on Monday, and we don't have any regrets about our timing so far.

If anything happends to change my mind I'll let you know.

 

[Rg9]

A girl who wants to get married... Hmm... never seen that before. I wouldn't worry about that too much, man.

I highly recommend getting married before flight school. I got married a week before checking into P'Cola, and it was the absolute BEST time to do it! Depending on when you get down there, you'll be sitting around A-pool waiting to class up. I basically got a 2-month honeymoon in Pensacola while getting paid.

Now, as was said before, flight school is not the time to work out the kinks in your marriage. You should also do some premarital counseling (and be sure she's the right one, but it sounds like you are) and try to work out as many details as you can before you start. But if she's as committed as you are to the Navy and your flying (and don't buy this BS that your first commitment is to the Navy - your first commitment will be to her, but the Navy will be a near equal and will require your time when she wants it instead - you both have to be in it together, otherwise she's not making you her first priority), being married in flight school is GREAT. I really mean that. It was the best thing I could have done, and definitely helped me get through.

Harrier Dude said it well re: bad wife makes it worse, good wife makes it better. If she's a good, supportive, understanding woman, do it.

 

[Rg9]

And don't do some kind of trial run and live together because "you don't want that level of commitment during flight school". It doesn't work that way:

Cohabiting Before Marriage

 

[KnightNArmor]

Here's my .02
I have to agree with Rg9.
I got married 4 weeks into API. My wife was on active duty in the Navy at the time, so that did change things a little for us. But long story short, it's possible. If you guys are serious on getting married and she's willing to work with you then go for it!
API/flight school is going to be a hard time that requires you to do a lot of work. She's going to have to understand that you aren't going to have a lot of time to start with to spend with her. You're going to be so far into studying and preparing for flights that the last thing on your mind is figuring out what's for dinner. She's going to have to understand that it's your job now to learn as much as you can about your aircraft. Let her help you study...keep her as involved in what you're doing as you can. It helps her to understand what you're doing and why you're working so hard.
Again... my .02... Go for it! being married is great!

 

[VS FO]

Personally, I think it takes being married to truly appreciate single life. You mine as well get the first one over with..

 

[rookie7734]

Nothing is set in stone. Even if you wait and get married after flight school and are in your first squadron, world events could screw the whole thing up.

I was a young Ltjg in my first assignment in Guam and met my wife who was a Navy Nurse in Guam. We dated, got engaged and planned a wedding back in her hometown in Wisconsin, which was 9 months away. Planning went smoothly. Both CO's allowed us 30 days leave to do the deed and get back.

10 days before we were to fly out of Guam, back to Wisconsin, Isreal decided to go to war with the Arab world. There was no way to determine what this would mean, but the reality was all leaves were cancelled and we were put on alert status.

Luckily, our favorite allies only took a week or so to accomplish their objectives and we were allowed to fly out with only 2 days to spare.

 

[nugget81]

I'll echo what some of the still-married folks have said --being married is great, even in flight school. My wife is very supportive and very proud of what I do. She takes great interest in learning about what I do. She's too funny in that she even points out all the Navy planes in the sky when we're driving somewhere (she'd make a great NFO! ) We got married between OCS and API (I only had a 3 week wait in between) at the JOP. After API we had our "real" wedding, which was feasible because I had 7 weeks between API and Primary (not that you'll know that until you check into your Training Wing.)

If she's the right woman for you, then marry her. Why wait? Life is far too short -- it could end tomorrow, so live it up today.

And one last thing....It's been said that two things end a pilot's career -- getting engaged, and getting married.

 

[Rg9]

Sorry, missed this:

...
So about how long does Flight School typically last, from the beginning of API to winging? The NROTC briefs usually give a round 2 years, but is there a more specific number based on your experiences?

To answer your question in detail:

A-Pool (the wait before starting): Depends

IFS: 2 months

API: 1.5 months

Primary: 5-10 months (Whiting was 5-6 mo's when I was there, but Corpus guys were taking up to 10+)

Advanced:
- Helo/P-3: 6 months
- Tailhook: 12-14 months (from what I've seen at least)
- E-6: what's that?

Plus you have to add up waiting between phases, PCS'ing between phases, etc. I chose P-3's and it took me 21 months from the day I reported in P'cola.

 

[RunnyRiver]

If you don't need the big wedding, there will be time in A-Pool if not at your unit. IFS and API don't require too much studying, so you'll have all kinds of personal time (maybe not the first 3 weeks of API).

Can your girlfriend handle you being busy or not knowing where you're going next? That can be a mess. Also, can she handle being engaged for 2+ years? That's a long string, and don't think it will be a stress free one. For myself, I'll be getting married just before primary. I wouldn't suggest that maneuver. These are things I've had to consider, though.