Floridians or those who know a Floridian.....
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.
Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see
a weather person pointing to some radar blob
out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic
meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida.
If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering
what you need to do to prepare for the possibility
that we'll get hit by "the big one.''
Based on our experiences, we recommend that you
follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1.
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family
for at least three days.
STEP 2.
Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3.
Drive to Nebraska and remain there
until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people
will not follow this sensible plan.
Most people will foolishly
stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important
hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home,
you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately,
this insurance is cheap and easy to get,
as long as your home meets two
basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida,
or any other area that might actually be hit
by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance,
because then they might be required
to pay YOU money,
and that is certainly not why they got into
the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around
for an insurance company, which will charge you
an annual premium roughly equal to the
replacement value of your house.
At any moment, this company can drop you
like used dental floss.
Since Hurricane Andrew,
I have had an estimated 27 different
home-insurance companies.
This week, I'm covered by the
Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company,
under a policy which states that,
in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan
are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters
on all the windows, all the doors, and --
if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.
There are several types of shutters,
with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters:
The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they're cheap.
The disadvantage is that,
because you make them yourself,
they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters:
The advantage is that these work well,
once you get them all up.
The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
your hands will be useless bleeding stumps,
and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters:
The advantages are that
they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house.
The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house
to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows:
These are the newest wrinkle
in hurricane protection:
They look like ordinary windows,
but they can withstand hurricane winds!
You can be sure of this,
because the salesman says so.
He lives in Nebraska.
"Hurricane Proofing Your Property:
As the hurricane approaches,
check your yard for movable objects
like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture,
visiting relatives, etc.;
you should, as a precaution,
throw these items into
your swimming pool
(if you don't have a swimming pool,
you should have one built immediately).
Otherwise, the hurricane winds
will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area,
you should have an evacuation route planned out.
(To determine whether you live in a low-lying area,
look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida"
you live in a low-lying area.)
The purpose of having an evacuation route
is to avoid being trapped in your home
when a major storm hits.
Instead, you will be trapped in
a gigantic traffic jam several miles
from your home, along with
two hundred thousand other evacuees.
So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate,
you will need a mess of supplies.
Do not buy them now!
Florida tradition requires that
you wait until the last possible minute,
then go to the supermarket
and get into vicious fights with strangers
over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water,
you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights.
At least $167 worth of batteries
that turn out, when the power goes out,
to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach.
(No, I don't know what the bleach is for.
NOBODY knows what the bleach is for.
But it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg.
(This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken,
to placate the alligators.
(Ask anybody who went through Andrew;
after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds
so that, after the hurricane passes,
you can buy a generator from a man
with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions.
As the hurricane draws near,
it is vitally important that you keep
abreast of the situation by turning on
your television and watching
TV reporters in rain slickers
stand right next to the ocean
and tell you over and over
how vitally important it is
for everybody to stay away
from the ocean.
Good luck and remember:
it's great living in paradise!
And for Those of you
who aren't here yet
you should come.
Really!
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.
Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see
a weather person pointing to some radar blob
out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic
meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida.
If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering
what you need to do to prepare for the possibility
that we'll get hit by "the big one.''
Based on our experiences, we recommend that you
follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1.
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family
for at least three days.
STEP 2.
Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3.
Drive to Nebraska and remain there
until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people
will not follow this sensible plan.
Most people will foolishly
stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important
hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home,
you must have hurricane insurance.
Fortunately,
this insurance is cheap and easy to get,
as long as your home meets two
basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida,
or any other area that might actually be hit
by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance,
because then they might be required
to pay YOU money,
and that is certainly not why they got into
the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around
for an insurance company, which will charge you
an annual premium roughly equal to the
replacement value of your house.
At any moment, this company can drop you
like used dental floss.
Since Hurricane Andrew,
I have had an estimated 27 different
home-insurance companies.
This week, I'm covered by the
Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company,
under a policy which states that,
in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan
are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters
on all the windows, all the doors, and --
if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.
There are several types of shutters,
with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters:
The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they're cheap.
The disadvantage is that,
because you make them yourself,
they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters:
The advantage is that these work well,
once you get them all up.
The disadvantage is that once you get them all up,
your hands will be useless bleeding stumps,
and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters:
The advantages are that
they're very easy to use,
and will definitely protect your house.
The disadvantage is that you
will have to sell your house
to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows:
These are the newest wrinkle
in hurricane protection:
They look like ordinary windows,
but they can withstand hurricane winds!
You can be sure of this,
because the salesman says so.
He lives in Nebraska.
"Hurricane Proofing Your Property:
As the hurricane approaches,
check your yard for movable objects
like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture,
visiting relatives, etc.;
you should, as a precaution,
throw these items into
your swimming pool
(if you don't have a swimming pool,
you should have one built immediately).
Otherwise, the hurricane winds
will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area,
you should have an evacuation route planned out.
(To determine whether you live in a low-lying area,
look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida"
you live in a low-lying area.)
The purpose of having an evacuation route
is to avoid being trapped in your home
when a major storm hits.
Instead, you will be trapped in
a gigantic traffic jam several miles
from your home, along with
two hundred thousand other evacuees.
So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate,
you will need a mess of supplies.
Do not buy them now!
Florida tradition requires that
you wait until the last possible minute,
then go to the supermarket
and get into vicious fights with strangers
over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water,
you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights.
At least $167 worth of batteries
that turn out, when the power goes out,
to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach.
(No, I don't know what the bleach is for.
NOBODY knows what the bleach is for.
But it's traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg.
(This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken,
to placate the alligators.
(Ask anybody who went through Andrew;
after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds
so that, after the hurricane passes,
you can buy a generator from a man
with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions.
As the hurricane draws near,
it is vitally important that you keep
abreast of the situation by turning on
your television and watching
TV reporters in rain slickers
stand right next to the ocean
and tell you over and over
how vitally important it is
for everybody to stay away
from the ocean.
Good luck and remember:
it's great living in paradise!
And for Those of you
who aren't here yet
you should come.
Really!
