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Enlisted to USNA

Hello,

I am currently an E-2 ( E-3 in February) in a hold status awaiting transfer to SERE. and then my C-school/AWO FRS. I've been in the navy for about 10 months, and am attempting to finish my package for the USNA. My command has been very helpful, but I was looking for some more assistance here if possible at all. I've just graduated A-school, and I graduated as #1 in the class, Honor student, and class leader. Along with having an "Excellent" PFA score.

I was wondering if anyone on here who has experience with prior enlisted applications could shed some light on some very specific questions of mine as far as the application runs, and also if anyone could assist me with the revision of my personal statement.

USNA Personal Statement

At the age of six I became home-schooled with my triplet brothers. My mother had developed breast cancer and we had to leave our private school education as soon as it began. Her chemo would leave her extremely vulnerable to infection, and because of this, my brothers and I had to be kept away from large crowds, lest we bring home a cold. During my time being homeschooled I spent most of the day learning and taking care of my mother. In 2006, only a few months after my twelfth birthday, my mother passed away. The seven year battle along side my mother taught me to be strong in strenuous situations and to make difficult choices.



While I was homeschooled, my mom helped me develop an interest in social sciences. My passion for history and service lead me to search for a career in the military. The goal was to obtain a job which would help me realize my dream of helping individuals at a macro scale. A form of help I believed most available in; leadership, policy creation and the sustaining and upholding of current effective policies. In August of 2014 I enlisted in the Navy with a contract as a Navy Diver. During dive prep I became unable to continue training and was re-rated to Naval Aircrewman. Despite this not being the job I had originally chosen, I made the best of my situation and, after several months of schooling In AWA1 A-school I graduated top of the class as both class leader and honor student.



In being a primary caregiver, and working through being re-rated in the Navy, I had developed fortitude, care, and leadership. I was fortunate enough to learn about the service academies through my twin brother, who attends the United States Air Force Academy. I decided that attending the United States Naval Academy was the proper choice for developing my future. The un-paralleled education and experiences that the Academy offers matched perfectly with my unending desire to improve myself and live up to the qualities my mother encouraged. The Academy would help me reach this goal by putting me in a position of leadership to serve and lead those around me.



In my naval service I have learned that ambition and sustained superior performance can bring an individual to new echelons of achievement in your career. The Academy provides a means to achieve goals of the greatest heights, while being part of a career that is based on duty, service, and leadership. Commissioning through the Naval Academy will allow me to continue to advance in my career, and broaden my ability to serve. The career fields select-able allow me to move from a job of technical expert, to one of macro scale administrative positions and heightened responsibility in which I'll be able to lead and take care of those around me. I believe that with the education of the Naval Academy backed with my life experiences I will be able to exemplify the greatest qualities put forth by the USNA, and properly lead the sailors put under my leadership.

---------------------------------------
If there are any questions at all about my process or if more information is needed feel free to ask. Thank you.
 
Last edited:

wink

VS NFO. Blue and Gold Officer
None
Super Moderator
Contributor
I happen to think that is a very fine statement. Referencing leadership to service and helping others is always a winner. "Leader servant" is getting some print these days. One minor point that is maybe more about my ignorance. You mention being homeschooled with your triplet brothers, then later mention your twin. Do you refer to each of your triplet siblings individually as a twin? I dunno, seemed to be inconsistent to me. Maybe just say it is your brother at USAFA and not use twin. If another dunce like me is reading your statement it may be distracting from your more important thoughts.

Good luck!!! We like to grow our own.
 
Thank you very much for reviewing it sir. Its actually funny. One of my brothers is identical, and the other fraternal. So I fall under an interesting circumstance that i am a triplet, but also an identical twin. I completley understand however it would be better to just say brother, as the added ambiguity isnt really neasecary in this statement. I was on the line of taking it out, but now im going to. Thank you
 
Wink,

After going thorough a few more edits with my chain of command, I was wondering if you would be able to review them and see if there is on in particular you believe would stand out more.

REVISION 1

When I was six years old my mother discovered that she had developed breast cancer. Upon this discovery, my triplet brothers and I were immediately pulled from the education system and began home-schooling. Her chemo left her extremely vulnerable to infection and, because of this, my brothers and I had to be kept away from large crowds, lest we bring home a cold. During my time being homeschooled I spent most of the day learning and taking care of my mother. In 2006, only a few months after my twelfth birthday, my mother finally succumbed to the disease. The seven year battle alongside my mother, while having taught me to be strong in strenuous situations, had left my family financially crippled.
In the wake of the financial burden, I realized that paying for college was not going to be an option. My goal was, and still is, to obtain a job which would help me realize my dream of helping individuals across the globe by leading others, creating policy, and sustaining existing organizations. In lieu of starting a college education, I decided I wanted to be a part of something much larger and enlisted in the United States Navy, with the intention of obtaining a commission. This determination has driven me to obtaining the highest GPA of my A school class, while as a class leader, and becoming recognized as an honor student.


In helping take care of my mother and emulating all positive traits from my leaders in the Navy, I developed fortitude, care, and leadership. Traits of which I found out are sought at the Naval Academy. I was fortunate enough to learn about the service academies through my brother, who attends the United States Air Force Academy. I decided that attending Annapolis was the proper choice for developing my future. The un-paralleled education and experiences that Annapolis offers matched perfectly with my unending desire to improve myself and live up to the qualities my mother encouraged. The Academy would help me reach this goal by putting me in a position of leadership to serve and lead those around me.


In my naval service I have learned that ambition and sustained superior performance can bring an individual to new echelons of achievement in any career. The Academy provides a means to achieve goals of the greatest heights, while being part of a career that is based on duty, service, and leadership. Commissioning through the Naval Academy will allow me to continue to advance in my career, and broaden my ability to serve. The career fields select-able allow me to move from a job of technical expert, to one of grand scale administrative positions and heightened responsibility in which I'll be able to lead and take care of those around me. I believe that with the education of the Naval Academy backed with my life experiences I will be able to exemplify the greatest qualities put forth by the USNA, and properly lead the Sailors placed under my leadership.

REVISION 2


When I was only six years old my mother discovered that she had developed breast cancer. Upon this discovery, my triplet brothers and I were immediately pulled from the education system and began home-schooling. Her chemo left her extremely vulnerable to infection and, because of this, my brothers and I had to be kept away from large crowds, lest we bring home a cold. During my time being homeschooled I spent most of the day learning and taking care of my mother. In 2006, only a few months after my twelfth birthday, my mother finally succumbed to the disease. The seven year battle along side my mother, while having taught me to be strong in strenuous situations, had left my family financially crippled.
In the wake of the financial burden, I realized that paying for college was not going to be an option. I applied for the NROTC scholarship, but unfortunately did not receive it. My goal was, and still is, to obtain a job which would help me realize my dream of helping individuals across the globe by leading others, creating policy, and sustaining existing organizations. In lieu of starting a college education, I enlisted in the US Navy with a contract as a Navy Diver. During dive prep I was regretfully medically dropped and was re-rated to Naval Aircrewman. Despite this not being the job I had originally chosen, I made the best of my situation and, after several months of schooling In AWA1 A-school, I graduated top of the class as both class leader and honor student.


In helping take care of my mother and working through being re-rated in the Navy I developed fortitude, care, and leadership. Traits of which I found out are sought at the Naval Academy. I was fortunate enough to learn about the service academies through my brother, who attends the United States Air Force Academy. I decided that attending Annapolis was the proper choice for developing my future. The un-paralleled education and experiences that Annapolis offers matched perfectly with my unending desire to improve myself and live up to the qualities my mother encouraged. The Academy would help me reach this goal by putting me in a position of leadership to serve and lead those around me.


In my naval service I have learned that ambition and sustained superior performance can bring an individual to new echelons of achievement in your career. The Academy provides a means to achieve goals of the greatest heights, while being part of a career that is based on duty, service, and leadership. Commissioning through the Naval Academy will allow me to continue to advance in my career, and broaden my ability to serve. The career fields select-able allow me to move from a job of technical expert, to one of grand scale administrative positions and heightened responsibility in which I'll be able to lead and take care of those around me. I believe that with the education of the Naval Academy backed with my life experiences I will be able to exemplify the greatest qualities put forth by the USNA, and properly lead the sailors put under my leadership.

Thank you very much in advance sir.

*edit* I do not know why, but the spoiler button separated the first paragraph of each essay. In both cases, the first Revision X spoiler is the first paragraph, and the second Revision X spoiler is the rest of the essay.
 

Brett327

Well-Known Member
None
Super Moderator
Contributor
I've been a mod on this site for 11 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen the "spoiler" feature. How in the world did you invoke that? :)
 
I've been a mod on this site for 11 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen the "spoiler" feature. How in the world did you invoke that? :)
Ha its not too complicated! If on mobile, its the button three to the right of the smiley face button. If on the computer, i recall it being in the top right of the posting interface.
 

villanelle

Nihongo dame desu
Contributor
It could use a good grammar scrub. Just a couple examples--"Had" in "had left my family financially" is unnecessary, and "Traits of which I found out are sought at the Naval Academy" is not a complete sentence.

I'm not really in a position to comment on content, but if you have a friend, former teacher, or someone else in your life who is super anal about this stuff (and I mean that not as a judgement, since I'm firmly in that camp), have them go over everything with a fine tooth comb. Maybe it won't matter, but if someone on the board ends up being particular about this stuff, you don't want that to be what sinks you.
 
It could use a good grammar scrub. Just a couple examples--"Had" in "had left my family financially" is unnecessary, and "Traits of which I found out are sought at the Naval Academy" is not a complete sentence.

I'm not really in a position to comment on content, but if you have a friend, former teacher, or someone else in your life who is super anal about this stuff (and I mean that not as a judgement, since I'm firmly in that camp), have them go over everything with a fine tooth comb. Maybe it won't matter, but if someone on the board ends up being particular about this stuff, you don't want that to be what sinks you.
Thank you for the reply. I definitely need to work on the grammar im a tad rusty at the moment. Any comments on content, grammar, or structure alike is definitely welcome. I definitely want it to be error free.
 
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