Deployments...and...wives (girlfriends)

[psrogers]

I've got a question relating to something that comes up for most of us further on in life (at least relative to me now).

How difficult is it for couples (especiall married ones) to hang through deployments, and relocations? I imagine that it must be extremely difficult, and I was just hoping to get at least few perspectives from some people who have faced this issue, because I want to hear a little in advance at least before I find myself in such a situation. I'm a little concerned about the effects on the fam... Thanks[8D]

 

[kaiangel]

You know, this completely depends on the couple. I have been on two deployments, one with a girlfriend and one married. With the girlfriend, I didn't take the commitment seriously so obviously it wasn't going to work. My wife is very supportive and understanding of my carrer, and that is a must for Navy life. Having that type of relationship made my second deployment much less stressful and easier to get through. There has to be complete trust between the two of you because as soon as there are doubts on either side it will start falling apart. Six months is a long time and it is very stressful for whoever you leave behind. You have to keep that in mind, especially when or if you have children. Also, regrardless of your job in the Navy, having a sense of security about your significant others back home allows you to perform your duties better.
With that being said, it is not too bad. You can live a perfectly happy homelife in the Navy. People who say that you can't or that always talk of infidelity are just not ready for their relationship.

 

[e5b-wife]

I have to say that kaiangel is absolutely right! Both pople in the relationship have to trust each other. It's hard on the people who get left behind. You have to be strong and independent to be a military spouse. And if you have children you have to be willing and ready to be a single parent sometimes. I'm telling you this so you know how things are for your spouse. You have to believe in them as much as they believe in you to keep it together. You have to encourage and support each other. And I know it sounds cheesy but absence does make the heart grow fonder (if your relationship has a good foundation). Deployments are the hard part.
Relocations are actually pretty easy. Yes, you have to leave your friends every so often and start over but that's really not difficult because you have your family with you. And since most of the people you will meet have been through it a few times there's always someone around to lend a hand.

 

[solenita72]

I have only been through this first school (OCS) so far. I can tell you that after having a husband at home for the past three years it was a shock. It is hard on everyone, exspecially the children. I had to accept being a single parent again, after having a wonderful life at home with a husband for the past 3 years (our daughter is 7). That was hard! Everything will go wrong that can go wrong, expect that, but you just hang in there, deal with things as best as you can, and support your husband or wife. Hopefully they will return the support to you. My husband and I have an incredible relationship and we are very lucky to have the devotion we have to each other. It is just as hard for him to leave me, as it was for me to be left, so we are each going through our own issues of being seperated. But, the main thing is to hang on, write alot, and realize there is an end in sight! I can't tell you what I have done to make the time easier, because I don't think anything could, but we have definately given the post office some business!!

 

[kaiangel]

You know e5b-wife has a point. I met my wife on sea duty so all I knew was not being home all of the time. When I checked into my shore command they said some people might have problems because you are not used to all of the time at home. That was so true. Going underway every now and then makes you realize what you are missing at home and cherish the time that you might otherwise waste.

 

[kismet423]

As a Navy wife, I will say it was very helpful that my husband was up front about what life would be like when we first started dating. He explained it would be difficult to build my career as I might not be able to find a job in my field where we are living, we will most likely not own a house until he retires, I could find a job or house I love and will have to leave it, I will be a single parent during deployments, etc. I feel that I was well aware of what I was getting myself into and therefore better prepared mentally and emotionally for the Navy lifestyle.

As far as deployments, it depends on the couple. If you choose to marry someone who is independent and you know she will be able to handle life (finances, kids, job) when you are away then it will make your time away easier, as you will not have to worry. The separations of Navy life can be difficult, but it can also be such a blessing. Like it was mentioned before, you truly appreciate one another when you DO have time together. You learn how to communicate effectively. You work through the difficult times and share the joyous times. You become best friends above all else. You get to live many places you otherwise never would have seen, and meet some of the greatest people.

So my advice is to find someone who sees Navy life and all of its positives, and make sure from the start she is well aware of the challenges...and that above all else you will make it through it together!

 

[psrogers]

Sounds like wisdom, must be wisdom. Thanks to all for the replies.

 

[EA-6B1]

Ladies, I need your help. I'm 20 years old and I've had the same girlfriend for about 3 years now. My aspiration to be a pilot has always been around, but now that I'm halfway through college, it's becoming more and more of a reality. I know that I love her more than anything and she feels the same towards me. That's so awesome to have a close relationship with someone. She knows that I like airplanes and that I like the Marines. But I don't think she realizes the committment it'll take from her if she's my wife one day and I'm in the fleet. I haven't gone to any extent to tell her what to expect. Quite honestly, I dont' know how or where to start. I'm afraid if I start telling her about deployments and moving and being by herself that she won't see anything good about Naval Aviation. She mentioned to me once before that she would support me whatever I do, but she just didn't want to raise our children alone by herself. My heart melted cause I knew that she would support me, but I know that there'll be some time away. Basically, I just need some advice on how to and where to start telling her about the military life in general and what to expect as a pilot wife?! What are some of the responsibilities that the wife has to take over while I'm out on the boat? If we dont have children at the time of a deployment, I guess she could move back home with her folks. She's real close to them. Another thing, I don't know how much she'll like being independent. I know that this sounds like the worst scenario, but I just dont know how to talk to her about it. I want this really bad, and I don't want my girlfriend to think that I'm being selfish. Any help please?

"There were many airplanes, but it was the skinny bird that scared us the most."
- Iraqi POW on the AH-1W Cobra -

 

[Steve Wilkins]

Take her to an airshow. She'll understand. If not, then must be the wrong girl. I tested this on my wife and she passed! Though for some reason, I ended up riding the high seas. Don't make the same mistake. If all else fails (hint, hint), communicate and let her know what you want out of life and what your goals are. Good Luck.

--Steve Wilkins

 

[1devildoc]

EA-6B1,
Life in the military is definately complicated, but it works. My husband and I got married young, I was barely 18, and he was 24. Needless to say, we just celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary, and we are determined to make it. We still don't have any kids, and don't see them in the near future. I don't like the idea of being a single mom while he's gone, so we plan to wait till closer to his retirement. He has twelve years in now, and plans on finishing his twenty. I can't complain, I have traveled the world, live in a nice house, drive a new car, and am a graduate student. I work part time, but just for fun. For a long time, I just followed him around, and went to school. I even followed him on a couple of deployments, I lived in Guam and Spain for six months each, and people said it could not be done. Oh yes it can! I too went home for awhile when he was deployed. I will not do that when he leaves agin here in a few months, but at the time it made the most sense, plus you will save a ton of money, cause you can still collect your housing allowance! Don't scare her off by telling her too much at once, ease into things, it has taken me 7 years to adjust, and I am still not fully used to it, but we manage. Good luck!

 

[kismet423]

EA-6B1,

Okay...I didn't realize I was being tested at those airshows!! I will say though that they are awesome and give one an appreciation for what military planes can do.

I would say that my husband's advice overall is correct...just talk to her. If you read my response from before, I sort of touched on the things he told me to prepare me for life as a military spouse. Fortunately he was prior enlisted, so it sounds like he had a better idea of what to expect than you may have...hence why you don't even know where to start.

Maybe start by telling her of what your dreams and goals are, so she really knows how important this is to you. Then let her know that life as a military spouse can be challenging, but extremely rewarding as well. She will essentially have to carry on with life without you while you are away, and that is a reality for any military spouse. She will have to take care of finances, possibly find a new place to live and pack/unpack without you, fix or at least know where to go if stuff around the house or car breaks, change jobs often when you move...just to name a few things. And most difficult of all, be a single parent while you are away when you have kids. She will have contact with you while you are away, but she will essentially have to take care of every part of your lives during that time...whatever your lives entail.

This seems like a daunting task and you may wonder why any woman in her right mind would agree to go along for the ride. WHAT WAS I THINKING???!!! Haha...J/K. There are so many positives with this lifestyle, and to me outweigh the potential negatives. Most of all a great appreciation for eachother and the time you have together. It all comes down to her being willing to support you in whatever will make you happy...to be willing to follow you anywhere...and realize that YOU, not where you live, is where her home is. Isn't this what any man (not even military) would want from his wife anyway?

Overall be very realistic about the time you will spend studying and time you will be away. Then you know she at least has the information to make an informed decision about being a military wife, and if the life is for her or not.

As far as moving back with her parents, I recently tried that and will warn that it can potentially be a tricky situation...enough said!

One more thing...my wonderful husband (back when we were dating) almost broke up with me because he didn't think I was independent enough and would not be able to handle being a military wife. Fortunately I have risen to the occasion and have proven him wrong. I will say I wasn't very independent when we first started dating, but do honestly believe that on some level I chose the life of a military wife to strengthen my then weakness. So don't be so quick to judge her...she may just surprise you!

If you would like to have her talk to me then feel free to give her my email (put Airwarriors in subject so I catch it). Good luck!

~Karianne

 

[IFT2O]

The Navy doesn't issue wives and kids! Just Kidding. I have a wife and 2 kids and have been on 3 deployments, and it is very hard. The hardest part is going to be leaving my kids, something I haven't had to do thus far. My wife and I have been through one deployment but our relationship is very strong. It's tough on a lot of couples and if you don't have a trusting relationship, you might as well break it off before you go! It doesn't matter if your in the Military or not; if you don't have trust in a relationship, it's doomed from the start.

AT1 (AW/NAC) Christopher M. Harrison
VX-20 VP Projects
Bldg 606 RM 16B
harrisoncm@navair.navy.mil

 

[slabicro]

There has been a lot of great advice and encouragement offered here

My spouse hasn't even started OCS yet and I have had concerns already about what it does to a marriage and family as well. When he first started saying he wanted to join the navy to fly I was like, "sure - whatever you want honey I will support you". I had no idea that he would ever get accepted!!!! I knew at that time it was next to impossible. Well- he did get accepted

When we met we were young. After several years of on and off dating he joined the Air Force. I thought our relationship was doomed and I would never see him again. Absence definitely made the heart grow fonder and within two years we got married. In the Air Force we never spent time apart (maybe for nights) so the navy life will be different. I know it will be very hard but I also know that we have a strong relationship and I have a supportive family. I believe in his dreams and vice versa. It takes two for the commitment to work and I say if she is for you it will happen. Don't ever not follow your dreams. I had to encourage him to follow his because if one day he woke up and looked back with regret, I didn't want to be the one he would blame. Good luck with your situation.

Renee

 

[EA-6B1]

I just want to say thank you so much to everyone that has replied with some good advice. What a cool website where I can post a question and overnight have advice that is so essential to my future. I will keep this post bookmarked so I can come back to it. Thank you spouses and thank you airwarriors! God Bless.

"There were many airplanes, but it was the skinny bird that scared us the most."
- Iraqi POW on the AH-1W Cobra -

 

[Kathy]

EA-6B1 - Have your girlfriend sign up for Air Warriors too. We have a private section for significant others where she can get support/have questions answered.