Criticism for NROTC Marine Option Essay Needed

[Anthony_N]

Hey AW! This is my first post and I would greatly appreciate some constructive
critique on my NROTC Marine Option essay. Thanks!
*This is for the Marine FCB Scholarship, I'm not sure if its 1500 words or characters required*

The essay should be no more than 1500 words. At a minimum your essay should discuss why you want to become a Marine Corps Officer and what attributes you possess that would benefit the Marine Corps and what it means to become a Marine Officer.

My desire to become a Marine Corps Officer is not for the benefits or monetary pay, but for the camaraderie, experience, and opportunity to serve God, Country and Corps as a career officer. The Marine Corps’ esprit de corps in the Core Values invigorate my aspiration of becoming one of the Few. The attributes I possess truly reflect the Five Horizontal Themes, as they are indicated in my multiple roles as a leader.

Marine Corps Officers carry a bearing that no other military branch can uphold. This factor alone is enough to motivate an aspiring youthful like me to join the distinguished ranks of commissioned Marines. To make the most of life is why I covet the title of a Marine Officer, as well as the chance to serve this nation as a career officer of many years. Additionally, the camaraderie seen through the ranks of Marines embodies a brotherhood that I wish to be a part of.

Whether in the classroom, behind the podium or out on the track, I lead with attributes that are beneficial to both the Marine Corps and my peers. The traits I characterize are my initiative, open-mindedness, incisive cognition, improvisation, personable care for others, and ability to exemplify “Ductus Exemplo”. Utilizing my own experience and observations, I am able to assess tasks with decisiveness. My tenure as Cross Country Captain, Senior Class Vice President, and Rifle Team Commander of my school are just a few indicators of my attributes in action.

Becoming a commissioned officer of the finest branch this nation has to offer means to have an invaluable sense of purpose in life that no other career can provide. To carry the responsibility set out by the President of the United States is a most admirable accomplishment that I wish to achieve in my coming years as a prospective Marine Corps Officer.

 

[robav8r]

A lot of "fluff" in this essay. My .02c: why should the Marine Corps choose you? What life experience(s) make you someone the Marines would want? The Marines do not need to hear how great they are in your essay, but they may be interested in knowing what you can do for them. Bottom line: more meat & personalization and less "the Marines are great" fluff.

 

[Steve Wilkins]

Very choppy and hard to read. This essay tells me nothing about you or why I should give you a scholarship out of all the other people who's essays I'm also reading. Do you know who your audience is? Do they know what the Five Horizontal Themes are or what Ductus Exemplo means? Don't assume. I would leave the "God, Country, and Corps" phrase out as well as drop the other cutesy words. Don't try to be flashy. It makes you sound like Lt. Kendrick from A Few Good Men. WHY do you want to be an officer of Marines? For the camaraderie? Seriously? You can get that by joining a fraternity or even enlisting in any branch of service for that matter. So....why do you want to be an officer of Marines? It's not to serve God, country, and corps I can tell you that. Back to the drawing board.

Hint: Do you want to lead Marines or not? If so, why. What makes you think you should be given that privilege? What does it mean to lead Marines?

 

[BackOrdered]

As it has been said, this tells me very little about you.

 

[Anthony_N]

Thanks so far, I will get right to it and update it.

 

[Anthony_N]

Thank you all for the advice, here it is my refined essay. Please provide criticism or comments ASAP!!

There are many reasons why I want to become a Marine Officer, but only a handful establish the essence of them all. The central motives are for personal development, career, and most importantly- to lead Marines.

All throughout my life, I have encountered many hardships that have influenced me. However, I see challenge as a pathway for development, regardless of the outcomes of success or failure. To me, the mantra “There is always room for improvement” represents Marine Officers and their lifestyle. This way of life is one that I desire because I want to develop my personal aspects as well as improve the Marine Corps. As a Marine Corps Officer, I would teach and instill knowledge to my fellow Marines while they do the same for me. This mutual relationship would allow us to flourish together.

As a high school senior, I am surrounded by peers who are unsure of their future. The saying, “I do not know what my future holds” plagues many with uncertainty. I do not have this issue, however, as I have planned my future within the Marine Corps. I desire to become a commissioned Marine for the assurance and stability in life, as well as the opportunity for a meaningful career. I want to be able to lead Marines as an officer for as long as I am permitted, because a career that you love is one that you do not work a day in your life. I would rather serve in an arduous environment rather than in a monotonous cubicle at a civilian job because a career in the Marine Corps is worthwhile.

To be a leader of the most influential men and women as a Marine Corps Officer is the premier motivation that affects everything I do. I want to lead Marines for the experiences no other occupation can provide, for the vast number of opportunities, and to simply exceed my older brother’s expectations. As an officer in the Army, he expects me to obtain both a college degree and a commission. I want to exceed these minimum standards by earning a commission in the most selective, yet most fulfilling branch there is; the Marine Corps. Additionally, I aspire to lead individuals who care more for the person next to them than themselves because this would give me a sense of security and purpose.

Growing up, I gained invaluable traits from experiences that would allow me to be an asset to the Marine Corps. Through Georgia Boys State, Cross Country and high school, I have acquired the attributes that would benefit the Marines under my command along with my superior officers. At Boys State, I developed communication skills from running for a state office and losing at the final election. This instance allowed me to assess my weak points and refine them. In Cross Country, I learned how to lead a team from failure and hard work by training my teammates and motivating them to become better runners after multiple losses our first season. In high school, I have always been the go-to person, whether it be for academics or advice. For example, when my school’s yearbook staff became overwhelmed and broke down, I got my peers back on track by providing guidance on how to operate efficiently. These characteristics would prove beneficial to the Marine Corps because they provide effective communication in stressful environments, a sense of sanity in chaotic events, and the ability to make just decisions by taking counsel from both enlisted and commissioned personnel.

In conclusion, I believe becoming an officer of Marines means to have an invaluable sense of purpose in life that no other career can provide. Leading Marines would allow me to make my brother proud as well as evolve into the person I have always wanted to become. I am willing to take the path only a few have prevailed because I want to impact the world and my peers in a positive way. From adversity and maturity, I am on my way to a life of prosperity in my coming years as a prospective Marine Corps Officer.

 

[Anthony_N]

Updated... yet again. Feedback needed ASAP! Thanks.

There are many reasons why I want to become a Marine Officer, but only a handful establish the essence of them all. The central motives are for personal development, career, and most importantly- to lead Marines.

All throughout my life, I have encountered many hardships that have influenced me. However, I see challenge as a pathway for development, regardless of the outcomes of success or failure. To me, the mantra “Always strive for the best” represents Marine Officers and their lifestyle. This way of life is one that I desire because I want to develop my personal aspects as well as improve the Marine Corps. As a Marine Corps Officer, I would teach and instill knowledge to my fellow Marines while they do the same for me. This mutual relationship would allow us to flourish together.

As a high school senior, I am surrounded by students who are unsure of their future. The saying, “I do not know what my future holds” plagues many with uncertainty. I do not have this issue, however, as I have planned my future within the Marine Corps. I desire to become a commissioned Marine for the assurance and stability in life, as well as the opportunity for a meaningful career. I want to be able to lead Marines as an officer for as long as I am permitted, because a career that you love is one that you do not work a day in your life. I would rather serve in an arduous environment rather than in a monotonous cubicle at a civilian job because a career in the Marine Corps is worthwhile.

To be a leader of the most influential men and women as a Marine Corps Officer is the premier motivation that affects everything I do. I want to lead Marines for the experiences no other occupation can provide, for the vast number of opportunities, and to simply carry on my older brother’s legacy. As an officer in the Army, his commitment to service has inspired me to serve alongside him by earning a commission in the Marine Corps. Additionally, I aspire to lead individuals of self sacrifice because this would give me a sense of security and purpose.

From Georgia Boys State, team sports and high school, I acquired attributes that would benefit the Marine Corps. At Boys State, I developed communication skills from running for an office. This instance allowed me to assess and refine my weakness of public speaking. In Cross Country, my teammates and I learned how to strive for a common goal. We had a successful season because we persevered together and motivated each other as I lead them from the front. In high school, I have always been the person my classmates look up to, whether it be for advice or resolution. For example, whenever the yearbook staff became overwhelmed or broke down, we always held together because I provided guidance based off of their advice. These characteristics would prove beneficial to the Marine Corps because they provide the camaraderie and teamwork needed in group efforts, effective communication in stressful environments, a sense of sanity in chaotic events, and the ability to make just decisions by taking counsel from both enlisted and commissioned personnel.

In conclusion, I believe becoming an officer of Marines means to stand up for something greater than one’s self. I am willing to sacrifice my personal convictions because I want to impact the world and my peers in a positive way. Leading Marines would allow me to make my brother proud as well as evolve into the person I have always wanted to become. This fulfilling career emits a sense of purpose that no other can provide. I look forward to the challenges I will face because the traditions of the Marine Corps appeal to me. From adversity and maturity, I am on my way to a life of prosperity in my coming years as a prospective Marine Corps Officer.

 

[Anthony_N]

Application update..

25 Nov 2013 Just had my PFT and Interview..

249 PFT (Okay, but will be improved) and a perfect interview.

Now the waiting game. Thanks all who assisted in my application process!

 

[Renegade One]

Youngster..it's YOUR essay. Say what you want…they want to learn/know/understand something about YOU…not about dozens of us who commented/critiqued/improved/pointed out punctuation flaws, etc…

I note that 5 of the 8 postings on this thread are from YOU…that should say something.

Most of us either never had to write any such thing (because there was a shooting war on)…or wrote the essays on our own. I frankly reject this "kinder, gentler, MODERN construct" that says "it takes a village to write a fucking essay".

I dislike the fact that AWs has become an English Composition Critiquing Society in which young "college grads" who can't push a noun against a verb rely on others to "PLEEZE make it better".

That's just me, of course.