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Advice for a (possible) Naval Aviation wife

M

madelinebridge

Well-Known Member
Hi all. I hope this is the right place to post this, if not, please be so kind as to redirect me...

My husband is putting his packet together to apply to be a pilot in the Navy. Recently, things have been kicked up a notch because he made it through MEPs (a process that took nearly a year) and it looks like he has a decent chance of making it it given his background and scores. The first board he would apply to would have a due date shortly after our first child is born in June. I have a few questions/concerns that have been burning the inside of my head, and have had some difficulty getting some of them answered. Hopefully you ladies (and men?) can help me out :)

1. How much time does you spouse spend away from home? I realize that this is different for every career and pipeline, but I would LOVE to get some anecdotes on this so I can start piecing together what reality looks like so we are fully aware what we're getting into. I would really like an idea of what percentage of nights I should expect to spend with my spouse gone so I can begin mentally preparing myself.

2. For those with kids, how do they handle their parent being away so often? Do they like the lifestyle of moving around a lot? Do you feel it has been beneficial to your kids' character and development to live a Navy lifestyle as opposed to one where their parent has a regular 9-5 job and is home every night?

That's it for now! Any other general advice is greatly appreciated as well.
 
M

madelinebridge

Well-Known Member
RecruitingGuru said:
There’s a spouses forum that one of the mods can add you to... these questions are commonly asked and answered.

Lastly, your husband can request when he’d like to ship out to OCS. I would have him request a few months out after the baby is due.
Click to expand...

Thank you. Who is the best person to message to get added to this forum?
 
villanelle

villanelle

Nihongo dame desu
Contributor
madelinebridge said:
Hi all. I hope this is the right place to post this, if not, please be so kind as to redirect me...

My husband is putting his packet together to apply to be a pilot in the Navy. Recently, things have been kicked up a notch because he made it through MEPs (a process that took nearly a year) and it looks like he has a decent chance of making it it given his background and scores. The first board he would apply to would have a due date shortly after our first child is born in June. I have a few questions/concerns that have been burning the inside of my head, and have had some difficulty getting some of them answered. Hopefully you ladies (and men?) can help me out :)

1. How much time does you spouse spend away from home? I realize that this is different for every career and pipeline, but I would LOVE to get some anecdotes on this so I can start piecing together what reality looks like so we are fully aware what we're getting into. I would really like an idea of what percentage of nights I should expect to spend with my spouse gone so I can begin mentally preparing myself.

2. For those with kids, how do they handle their parent being away so often? Do they like the lifestyle of moving around a lot? Do you feel it has been beneficial to your kids' character and development to live a Navy lifestyle as opposed to one where their parent has a regular 9-5 job and is home every night?

That's it for now! Any other general advice is greatly appreciated as well.
Click to expand...


How much time your spouse spends away is, unfortunately, pretty tough to answer, which is probably why you've struggled to get that. This will depend on what type of aircraft he ends up flying, where he gets stationed, and luck of the draw, unfortunately. If I absolutely had to put a number on it, I'd say that during his first tour (after finishing flight school and getting qualified in his specific aircraft) which is ~3 year long, I'd say maybe 1/4-1/3 of the time. (But political and other factors could easily change that, quickly.) That's just for his first sea tour. His second sea tour will very much depend on what job he goes to. The "golden path/due course" jobs are mostly instructor jobs, during which there are no deployments and only very occasionally cross country flights (2-3 days, generally). Then after that he could go to a boat, or back to a squadron, or a number of other things, and time away will depend so much on that answer.

To me, "how long is he gone" is almost the wrong question though, because in nearly 20 years of doing this, I think the hardest part is "home but not home". This comes in two forms. First, it's just ass-kickingly (for both of you) long days. Fortunately, these are more common later on in the career, but there will be times when he's not deployed that he has to duty. This may mean having the squadron phone and possibly taking calls at all hours of the night (or no calls at all) or it may mean being present at the squadron. There will be times he's on the "night train", meaning that for a week or two, he's got almost entirely night flights, so he goes in at noon and comes home a midnight. And there are the times he's actually sitting in the living room, but he's studying or writing evals or doing other paperwork. This two gets worse the further along he moves in his career. But these can be more challenging than deployments, in some ways, because he's home so it feels like you should be spending together, but he can't. And that phenomenon starts in flight school. Unless it changed, flight school working hours are pretty minimal. So he will be home a lot. But there is so much independent study time required. It can be tempting to think that he really needs to ditch the flash cards or blow off the study group because you really need a date night (or a nap and time away from that new baby), but even though it's at his discretion, that's real work and it has to be done.

All of that is part of the mindset that there is going to be this third party in your relationship whose presence is always lingering there in the background. You just have to accept that. You will always be more important to him (assuming a healthy relationship), but there are plenty of times that the Navy will be more urgent. Accepting that with grace and humor is key. Creating support systems around you is also key, especially with young babies.

And since all of that sounds pretty dire, I'll say that the Navy has been incredibly good to us and for us. We lived and traveled to amazing places, thanks to the Navy. We've had a secure paycheck (his, not mine, since being overseas for 9 years straight--highly unusual!--has killed my career) and health insurance, and we've met incredible people. When you don't have family nearby, your squadron friends become your family in the most incredible ways.

As for your second question, we don't have kids so I hesitate to wade too deeply into those waters, but I have been surrounded by amazing Navy kiddos, and I was an Air Force kid myself. Moving sucks. For them, and for you. It's hard to show up to a new place where you don't know anyone. Squadron life can help cushion that blow a bit because in most squadrons, there are family groups ready and willing to embrace you and help you make connections. I think kids are actually much better at it than adults, especially young kids. A new kid on the playground is just sort of absorbed into the group in almost no time, generally. School provides automatic social outlet. Millions of kids do this--moving and deployments--and turn out to be amazing people. And the life can offer incredible opportunities for them, too. We have dear friends whose kids have lived in Japan (3 times, headed to their 4th), the Netherlands, and Bahrain. (They sought out overseas opportunities. If you don't want to spend that much time overseas, it's VERY unlikely you will.) They've traveled the world. We've met them (and their kids) in London and South Africa and Morocco. They've met dad on port calls in other exotic locations. And their kids thrive. Sometimes, one or two of them will struggle initially to get settled and find their place. But kids are going to struggle whether they are moving or not. So the unstability can be a downside, but the opportunities are also incredible, especially if you and your husband make career decisions to try to capitalize on those things. But even if you want to try to stay in Norfolk or San Diego (though just because you want to try doesn't mean you won't get sent to Japan or Guam!), your kids will still be a part of the larger navy family, to the extent that you want them to be, and that can be pretty cool. Other kids go to see Top Gun 2 in a theater. Your kids know those guys and go to see Santa climb out of a jet, and they have pre-Thanksgiving dinner in the hangar where that jet or help parks.
 
Brett327

Brett327

Well-Known Member
None
Super Moderator
Contributor
Congrats on a presumably a great tour. Where are you heading next?
 
M

madelinebridge

Well-Known Member
villanelle said:
How much time your spouse spends away is, unfortunately, pretty tough to answer, which is probably why you've struggled to get that. This will depend on what type of aircraft he ends up flying, where he gets stationed, and luck of the draw, unfortunately. If I absolutely had to put a number on it, I'd say that during his first tour (after finishing flight school and getting qualified in his specific aircraft) which is ~3 year long, I'd say maybe 1/4-1/3 of the time. (But political and other factors could easily change that, quickly.) That's just for his first sea tour. His second sea tour will very much depend on what job he goes to. The "golden path/due course" jobs are mostly instructor jobs, during which there are no deployments and only very occasionally cross country flights (2-3 days, generally). Then after that he could go to a boat, or back to a squadron, or a number of other things, and time away will depend so much on that answer.

To me, "how long is he gone" is almost the wrong question though, because in nearly 20 years of doing this, I think the hardest part is "home but not home". This comes in two forms. First, it's just ass-kickingly (for both of you) long days. Fortunately, these are more common later on in the career, but there will be times when he's not deployed that he has to duty. This may mean having the squadron phone and possibly taking calls at all hours of the night (or no calls at all) or it may mean being present at the squadron. There will be times he's on the "night train", meaning that for a week or two, he's got almost entirely night flights, so he goes in at noon and comes home a midnight. And there are the times he's actually sitting in the living room, but he's studying or writing evals or doing other paperwork. This two gets worse the further along he moves in his career. But these can be more challenging than deployments, in some ways, because he's home so it feels like you should be spending together, but he can't. And that phenomenon starts in flight school. Unless it changed, flight school working hours are pretty minimal. So he will be home a lot. But there is so much independent study time required. It can be tempting to think that he really needs to ditch the flash cards or blow off the study group because you really need a date night (or a nap and time away from that new baby), but even though it's at his discretion, that's real work and it has to be done.

All of that is part of the mindset that there is going to be this third party in your relationship whose presence is always lingering there in the background. You just have to accept that. You will always be more important to him (assuming a healthy relationship), but there are plenty of times that the Navy will be more urgent. Accepting that with grace and humor is key. Creating support systems around you is also key, especially with young babies.

And since all of that sounds pretty dire, I'll say that the Navy has been incredibly good to us and for us. We lived and traveled to amazing places, thanks to the Navy. We've had a secure paycheck (his, not mine, since being overseas for 9 years straight--highly unusual!--has killed my career) and health insurance, and we've met incredible people. When you don't have family nearby, your squadron friends become your family in the most incredible ways.

As for your second question, we don't have kids so I hesitate to wade too deeply into those waters, but I have been surrounded by amazing Navy kiddos, and I was an Air Force kid myself. Moving sucks. For them, and for you. It's hard to show up to a new place where you don't know anyone. Squadron life can help cushion that blow a bit because in most squadrons, there are family groups ready and willing to embrace you and help you make connections. I think kids are actually much better at it than adults, especially young kids. A new kid on the playground is just sort of absorbed into the group in almost no time, generally. School provides automatic social outlet. Millions of kids do this--moving and deployments--and turn out to be amazing people. And the life can offer incredible opportunities for them, too. We have dear friends whose kids have lived in Japan (3 times, headed to their 4th), the Netherlands, and Bahrain. (They sought out overseas opportunities. If you don't want to spend that much time overseas, it's VERY unlikely you will.) They've traveled the world. We've met them (and their kids) in London and South Africa and Morocco. They've met dad on port calls in other exotic locations. And their kids thrive. Sometimes, one or two of them will struggle initially to get settled and find their place. But kids are going to struggle whether they are moving or not. So the unstability can be a downside, but the opportunities are also incredible, especially if you and your husband make career decisions to try to capitalize on those things. But even if you want to try to stay in Norfolk or San Diego (though just because you want to try doesn't mean you won't get sent to Japan or Guam!), your kids will still be a part of the larger navy family, to the extent that you want them to be, and that can be pretty cool. Other kids go to see Top Gun 2 in a theater. Your kids know those guys and go to see Santa climb out of a jet, and they have pre-Thanksgiving dinner in the hangar where that jet or help parks.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the extensive reply, villanelle. I read it aloud to my husband at dinner, lol. We are excited about this new prospect in our lives and your response makes the picture a lot clearer.
 
villanelle

villanelle

Nihongo dame desu
Contributor
madelinebridge said:
Thanks for the extensive reply, villanelle. I read it aloud to my husband at dinner, lol. We are excited about this new prospect in our lives and your response makes the picture a lot clearer.
Click to expand...
Glad it helped! And please feel free to reach out (in this thread, or via PM) if you have anything else I might be able to help with. It's just one person's opinion, but I'm happy to offer it up if it might be helpful!
 
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