I'd be willing to take a look at it.
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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread
- Thread starter FSF17
- Start date
Unfortunately, I typed everything out in the Adobe File that my officer recruiter sent me and saved it last night, but when I went to open it up this morning all the inputs were gone for the application with the motivational statement and the security form. So I need to retype my motivational statement.
smurf2002TKE
New Member
Ravioli, if you think that is bad try having a Command Career Counselor having to dig for the most up to date forms for enlisted members like myself. Hopefully when I go into work he has found a majority of documents I need to start my application. Good luck.
V/r
OS2 (SW) M.
V/r
OS2 (SW) M.
Here is my first shot at posting my statement. I scruitinize myself in that I think I may be spending too much time speaking of my grand father. He has had a huge impact on my life and I want the selection board to know that, but I I know there's a fine line. Think about that when you read paragraph two and let me know what you think. I do have a low cumulative GPA and got in a bit of trouble back at my old school, so I really want to use this opportunity to discuss with the board where I've come since then, and what kind of person I have become. Thanks guys, appreciate you taking the time to help me out:
As an American citizen, I have had the privilege of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness my entire life without fear of persecution or tyranny. I’m allowed this privilege because veterans have made the ultimate sacrifice to protect it. My country has asked nothing of me in return, and I feel an inherent duty to give back to the country that given so much to me. Serving my country as a Naval Aviator is a culmination of events in my life leading me up to this point; preparation meeting opportunity.
As a child I spent ample time at my grandmother’s home immersed with pictures, stories and medals earned by my grandfather during his career as a Naval Aviator. Commander Madden passed away when I was three, but his legacy as an Officer and an Aviator left an impression imprinted upon me for my entire life. My grandfather exhibited every character trait expected of any officer in the United States Navy, including the three core values of the Navy: honor, courage, and commitment in the same way I strive to do today. Throughout my own life, I have strived to live every day with honor and integrity, and take after the man I have come to admire.
When I started college, what I didn’t possess was the maturity to realize my potential. I knew what I wanted to do, but lacked the direction to achieve it. At the end of my sophomore year, I made the decision that transferring to another University, to a new environment, would be the most significant means of positively influencing change to reach my goal of becoming an Aviator. Since transferring to the University of North Dakota, I have recovered a 2.45 GPA to a 3.25, while obtaining a 3.75 institutional GPA. I also have made the Dean’s list for two semesters in a row while working, and also holding active memberships in extra-curricular activities. Becoming a Naval Aviator is a lifelong dream coming to reality.
From my first flight in a small Piper at the age of ten, I have always loved aviation. I knew from that first flight that regardless of whom I would become, or where I would be, that I would be an aviator. I love aviation and what it allows me as a “ground-based” human to achieve every time I take to the skies. While I want to join the Navy as an Aviator to pursue this dream, my real inspiration to join the Navy arises from my desire to lead others and to serve my country. I not only accept, but desire the challenge to lead others to complete the mission, and I place high value upon my own character traits and life experiences to assist me in fulfilling my true potential as an officer.
The most important lesson I have learned in life has been that nothing can be more valuable than investing in oneself. My decision to recognize my potential and enact change demonstrates important qualities that I will bring to the Navy; strong character, a willingness to strive for success, and a personality that won’t accept anything but my best. I have had the opportunity to experience many successes; but most importantly have had the opportunity to learn from my mistakes. Joining the Navy to become a Naval Aviator is a culmination of these learning experiences and the hard work I have put in to overcome my short falls. Nothing in my life will ever be more significant than my choice to join the United States Navy.
As an American citizen, I have had the privilege of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness my entire life without fear of persecution or tyranny. I’m allowed this privilege because veterans have made the ultimate sacrifice to protect it. My country has asked nothing of me in return, and I feel an inherent duty to give back to the country that given so much to me. Serving my country as a Naval Aviator is a culmination of events in my life leading me up to this point; preparation meeting opportunity.
As a child I spent ample time at my grandmother’s home immersed with pictures, stories and medals earned by my grandfather during his career as a Naval Aviator. Commander Madden passed away when I was three, but his legacy as an Officer and an Aviator left an impression imprinted upon me for my entire life. My grandfather exhibited every character trait expected of any officer in the United States Navy, including the three core values of the Navy: honor, courage, and commitment in the same way I strive to do today. Throughout my own life, I have strived to live every day with honor and integrity, and take after the man I have come to admire.
When I started college, what I didn’t possess was the maturity to realize my potential. I knew what I wanted to do, but lacked the direction to achieve it. At the end of my sophomore year, I made the decision that transferring to another University, to a new environment, would be the most significant means of positively influencing change to reach my goal of becoming an Aviator. Since transferring to the University of North Dakota, I have recovered a 2.45 GPA to a 3.25, while obtaining a 3.75 institutional GPA. I also have made the Dean’s list for two semesters in a row while working, and also holding active memberships in extra-curricular activities. Becoming a Naval Aviator is a lifelong dream coming to reality.
From my first flight in a small Piper at the age of ten, I have always loved aviation. I knew from that first flight that regardless of whom I would become, or where I would be, that I would be an aviator. I love aviation and what it allows me as a “ground-based” human to achieve every time I take to the skies. While I want to join the Navy as an Aviator to pursue this dream, my real inspiration to join the Navy arises from my desire to lead others and to serve my country. I not only accept, but desire the challenge to lead others to complete the mission, and I place high value upon my own character traits and life experiences to assist me in fulfilling my true potential as an officer.
The most important lesson I have learned in life has been that nothing can be more valuable than investing in oneself. My decision to recognize my potential and enact change demonstrates important qualities that I will bring to the Navy; strong character, a willingness to strive for success, and a personality that won’t accept anything but my best. I have had the opportunity to experience many successes; but most importantly have had the opportunity to learn from my mistakes. Joining the Navy to become a Naval Aviator is a culmination of these learning experiences and the hard work I have put in to overcome my short falls. Nothing in my life will ever be more significant than my choice to join the United States Navy.
Ouch, that's rough. Thanks, good luck to you too.
Overall pretty darn good. You use unnecessarily complex sentence structure and word choice from time to time. I'm a firm believer in third grade words. K.I.S.S. If you can say it with a common word in a simple sentence, then do that. (obviously varying the sentence structure to relieve boredom and to add emphasis as necessary.) The part about your grand father is fine to me. Not too long, and it shows motivation.
Yeah I agree with you on the sentence structure. Thanks for taking the time to look through it. Regarding the last sentence of the third paragraph, I wasn't really sure how to transition from my past and what I've learned into my love for aviation in paragraph four. Any ideas?
Maybe swap the third and fourth paragraphs? Then you won't really need the transition. Actually, the last sentence of paragraph 4 goes easily into the first of paragraph 3.
Good point. It flows much better with that paragraph moved. Here's what I have now:
As an American citizen, I have had the privileges of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness without fear of persecution or tyranny. I’m allowed this privilege because veterans have made the ultimate sacrifice to protect it. I feel a duty to give back to my country, which has never asked for anything in return for these privileges. Serving my country as a Naval Aviator is a culmination of my life’s events; preparation meeting opportunity.
As a child I spent ample time at my grandmother’s home surrounded by pictures, stories and medals my grandfather earned during his career as a Naval Aviator. Commander Madden passed away when I was three, but his legacy as an Officer and an Aviator left an impression on me for my entire life. My grandfather exhibited every character trait expected of any Officer in the United States Navy, including the three core values of the Navy: honor, courage, and commitment. Throughout my own life, I have strived to live every day with honor and integrity, and take after the man I have come to admire.
From my first flight in a small Piper at the age of ten, I have always loved aviation. I knew from that first flight that regardless of whom I would become, or where I would be, that I would be an aviator. I love aviation and what it allows me as a “ground-based” human to achieve every time I take to the skies. While I want to join the Navy as an Aviator to pursue this dream, my real inspiration to join the Navy comes from my desire to lead others and to serve my country. I not only accept, but desire the challenge to lead others to complete the mission, and I place high value upon my own character traits and life experiences to assist me in fulfilling my true potential as an Officer.
When I started college, I didn’t possess was the maturity to realize my potential. I knew what I wanted to do, but lacked the direction to achieve it. At the end of my sophomore year, I made the decision to transfer to another University, to a new environment. This would be the most significant means of positively influencing change to reach my goal of becoming an Aviator. Since transferring to the University of North Dakota, I have recovered a 2.45 GPA to a 3.25, while obtaining a 3.75 institutional GPA. I also have made the Dean’s list for two semesters in a row while working, and also holding active memberships in extra-curricular activities. Becoming a Naval Aviator is a lifelong dream coming to reality.
The most important lesson I have learned in life has been that nothing can be more valuable than investing in oneself. My decision to recognize my potential and enact change demonstrates important qualities that I will bring to the Navy; strong character, a willingness to strive for success, and a personality that won’t accept anything but my best. I have had the opportunity to experience many successes; but most importantly have had the opportunity to learn from my mistakes. Joining the Navy to become a Naval Aviator is a culmination of these learning experiences and the hard work I have put in to overcome my short falls. Nothing in my life will ever fulfill me like serving my country as a Naval Aviator and having the opportunity to protect the constitution, and the people of the United States, as those have before me.
As an American citizen, I have had the privileges of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness without fear of persecution or tyranny. I’m allowed this privilege because veterans have made the ultimate sacrifice to protect it. I feel a duty to give back to my country, which has never asked for anything in return for these privileges. Serving my country as a Naval Aviator is a culmination of my life’s events; preparation meeting opportunity.
As a child I spent ample time at my grandmother’s home surrounded by pictures, stories and medals my grandfather earned during his career as a Naval Aviator. Commander Madden passed away when I was three, but his legacy as an Officer and an Aviator left an impression on me for my entire life. My grandfather exhibited every character trait expected of any Officer in the United States Navy, including the three core values of the Navy: honor, courage, and commitment. Throughout my own life, I have strived to live every day with honor and integrity, and take after the man I have come to admire.
From my first flight in a small Piper at the age of ten, I have always loved aviation. I knew from that first flight that regardless of whom I would become, or where I would be, that I would be an aviator. I love aviation and what it allows me as a “ground-based” human to achieve every time I take to the skies. While I want to join the Navy as an Aviator to pursue this dream, my real inspiration to join the Navy comes from my desire to lead others and to serve my country. I not only accept, but desire the challenge to lead others to complete the mission, and I place high value upon my own character traits and life experiences to assist me in fulfilling my true potential as an Officer.
When I started college, I didn’t possess was the maturity to realize my potential. I knew what I wanted to do, but lacked the direction to achieve it. At the end of my sophomore year, I made the decision to transfer to another University, to a new environment. This would be the most significant means of positively influencing change to reach my goal of becoming an Aviator. Since transferring to the University of North Dakota, I have recovered a 2.45 GPA to a 3.25, while obtaining a 3.75 institutional GPA. I also have made the Dean’s list for two semesters in a row while working, and also holding active memberships in extra-curricular activities. Becoming a Naval Aviator is a lifelong dream coming to reality.
The most important lesson I have learned in life has been that nothing can be more valuable than investing in oneself. My decision to recognize my potential and enact change demonstrates important qualities that I will bring to the Navy; strong character, a willingness to strive for success, and a personality that won’t accept anything but my best. I have had the opportunity to experience many successes; but most importantly have had the opportunity to learn from my mistakes. Joining the Navy to become a Naval Aviator is a culmination of these learning experiences and the hard work I have put in to overcome my short falls. Nothing in my life will ever fulfill me like serving my country as a Naval Aviator and having the opportunity to protect the constitution, and the people of the United States, as those have before me.
I like it. On that read through only thing that popped out was the first sentence, fourth paragraph - you left the "was" in. Besides that, I like it.
Cool thanks again Yak. Anyone else spot anything?
As an American citizen, I have had the privileges of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness without fear of persecution or tyranny. I’m allowed this privilege because veterans have made the ultimate sacrifice to protect it. I feel a duty to give back to my country, which has never asked for anything in return for these privileges. Serving my country as a Naval Aviator is a culmination of my life’s events; preparation meeting opportunity.
As a child I spent ample time at my grandmother’s home surrounded by pictures, stories and medals my grandfather earned during his career as a Naval Aviator. Commander Madden passed away when I was three, but his legacy as an Officer and an Aviator left an impression on me for my entire life. My grandfather exhibited every character trait expected of any Officer in the United States Navy, including the three core values of the Navy: honor, courage, and commitment. Throughout my own life, I have strived to live every day with honor and integrity, and take after the man I have come to admire.
From my first flight in a small Piper at the age of ten, I have always loved aviation. I knew from that first flight that regardless of whom I would become, or where I would be, that I would be an aviator. I love aviation and what it allows me as a “ground-based” human to achieve every time I take to the skies. While I want to join the Navy as an Aviator to pursue this dream, my real inspiration to join the Navy comes from my desire to lead others and to serve my country. I not only accept, but desire the challenge to lead others to complete the mission, and I place high value upon my own character traits and life experiences to assist me in fulfilling my true potential as an Officer.
When I started college, I didn’t possess the maturity to realize my potential. I knew what I wanted to do, but lacked the direction to achieve it. At the end of my sophomore year, I made the decision to transfer to another University, to a new environment. This would be the most significant means of positively influencing change to reach my goal of becoming an Aviator. Since transferring to the University of North Dakota, I have recovered a 2.45 GPA to a 3.25, while obtaining a 3.75 institutional GPA. I also have made the Dean’s list for two semesters in a row while working, and also holding active memberships in extra-curricular activities. Becoming a Naval Aviator is a lifelong dream coming to reality.
The most important lesson I have learned in life has been that nothing can be more valuable than investing in oneself. My decision to recognize my potential and enact change demonstrates important qualities that I will bring to the Navy; strong character, a willingness to strive for success, and a personality that won’t accept anything but my best. I have had the opportunity to experience many successes; but most importantly have had the opportunity to learn from my mistakes. Joining the Navy to become a Naval Aviator is a culmination of these learning experiences and the hard work I have put in to overcome my short falls. Nothing in my life will ever fulfill me like serving my country as a Naval Aviator and having the opportunity to protect the constitution, and the people of the United States, as those have before me.
As an American citizen, I have had the privileges of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness without fear of persecution or tyranny. I’m allowed this privilege because veterans have made the ultimate sacrifice to protect it. I feel a duty to give back to my country, which has never asked for anything in return for these privileges. Serving my country as a Naval Aviator is a culmination of my life’s events; preparation meeting opportunity.
As a child I spent ample time at my grandmother’s home surrounded by pictures, stories and medals my grandfather earned during his career as a Naval Aviator. Commander Madden passed away when I was three, but his legacy as an Officer and an Aviator left an impression on me for my entire life. My grandfather exhibited every character trait expected of any Officer in the United States Navy, including the three core values of the Navy: honor, courage, and commitment. Throughout my own life, I have strived to live every day with honor and integrity, and take after the man I have come to admire.
From my first flight in a small Piper at the age of ten, I have always loved aviation. I knew from that first flight that regardless of whom I would become, or where I would be, that I would be an aviator. I love aviation and what it allows me as a “ground-based” human to achieve every time I take to the skies. While I want to join the Navy as an Aviator to pursue this dream, my real inspiration to join the Navy comes from my desire to lead others and to serve my country. I not only accept, but desire the challenge to lead others to complete the mission, and I place high value upon my own character traits and life experiences to assist me in fulfilling my true potential as an Officer.
When I started college, I didn’t possess the maturity to realize my potential. I knew what I wanted to do, but lacked the direction to achieve it. At the end of my sophomore year, I made the decision to transfer to another University, to a new environment. This would be the most significant means of positively influencing change to reach my goal of becoming an Aviator. Since transferring to the University of North Dakota, I have recovered a 2.45 GPA to a 3.25, while obtaining a 3.75 institutional GPA. I also have made the Dean’s list for two semesters in a row while working, and also holding active memberships in extra-curricular activities. Becoming a Naval Aviator is a lifelong dream coming to reality.
The most important lesson I have learned in life has been that nothing can be more valuable than investing in oneself. My decision to recognize my potential and enact change demonstrates important qualities that I will bring to the Navy; strong character, a willingness to strive for success, and a personality that won’t accept anything but my best. I have had the opportunity to experience many successes; but most importantly have had the opportunity to learn from my mistakes. Joining the Navy to become a Naval Aviator is a culmination of these learning experiences and the hard work I have put in to overcome my short falls. Nothing in my life will ever fulfill me like serving my country as a Naval Aviator and having the opportunity to protect the constitution, and the people of the United States, as those have before me.
Couldn't find the 'edit' button for the last post so had to repost. I have revised my statement to this:
As an American citizen, I have had the privileges of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness without fear of persecution or tyranny. I’m afforded this privilege because veterans have made the ultimate sacrifice to protect it. I feel a duty to give back to my country, which has never asked for anything from me in return for these privileges. Serving my country as a Naval Aviator is a culmination of my life’s events; preparation meeting opportunity.
As a child I spent a lot time at my grandmother’s home surrounded by pictures, stories and medals my grandfather earned during his career as a Naval Aviator and WWII Veteran. Commander Madden passed away when I was three, but his legacy as an Officer and an Aviator left an impression on me for my entire life. My grandfather exhibited every character trait expected of any Officer in the United States Navy, including the three core values of the Navy: honor, courage, and commitment. As I have grown to understand the depth of his love and commitment to this country, he has become an inspiration for me as I approach the next chapter in my life.
From my first flight in a small Piper at the age of ten, I have always loved aviation. I knew from that first flight that regardless of whom I would become, or where I would be, that I would be an aviator. I love aviation and what it allows me as a “ground-based” human to achieve every time I take to the skies. While I want to join the Navy as an Aviator to pursue this dream, my real inspiration to join the Navy comes from my desire to lead others and to serve my country. I not only accept, but desire the challenge to lead others to complete the mission, and I place high value upon my own character traits and life experiences to assist me in fulfilling my true potential as an Officer.
When I started college, I lacked the maturity to realize my potential. I knew what I wanted to do, but the direction was missing. At the end of my sophomore year, I made the decision to transfer to another University, to a new environment that would set me on a path to reach my goal to become a Naval Aviator. Since transferring to the University of North Dakota, I have improved my overall GPA from a 2.55 to a 3.25, while obtaining a 3.75 institutional GPA. I also have made the Dean’s list for two semesters in a row while working as a web developer, and also holding active memberships in extra-curricular activities.
The most important lesson I have learned in life has been that nothing can be more valuable than investing in oneself. My decision to recognize my potential and enact change demonstrates important qualities that I will bring to the Navy; strong character, a willingness to strive for success, and a personality that won’t accept anything but my best. I have had the opportunity to experience many successes; but most importantly have had the opportunity to learn from my mistakes. Joining the Navy to become a Naval Aviator would be the culmination of these learning experiences; the commitment, the dedication, and the hard work. I see the ability to serve my country as a Naval Aviator to be the ultimate gratification, and having the opportunity to protect the Constitution, and the people of the greatest country in the world as those have before me, would be a lifelong dream coming to reality.
natheo
FS SNA, July 8
Ray-Ban, looks good. I'd consider a few things. You need to chose whether or not you want to use the Oxford or serial comma, (For breakfast I had bacon, eggs, and toast; for breakfast I had bacon, eggs and toast.) I personally feel that it adds clarity to many statements, although yours aren't necessarily ambiguous without it. You have two instances where you used it, and two where you did not.
The second sentence probably should be "I'm afforded these privileges by veterans who have made the ultimate sacrifice to protect them." That way it agrees with the sentence before it. Privilege, privileges.
"I also have made the Dean’s list for two semesters in a row while working as a web developer, and also holding active memberships in extra-curricular activities."
"I also made the Dean's list for two consecutive semesters while working as a web developer and holding active memberships in extra-curricular activities."
A simple past tense will do here if your just listing past events. When you combine an auxiliary verb with your primary verb it essentially implies that this statement continues into present time. While your sentence isn't confusing with it, it's not necessary. Some people like to use it for emphasis however, which might be what you have done here. The beginning of your third paragraph is a perfect example of the technically correct usage of this.
I think the comma after 3.25 is unnecessary as well. There's probably a few more you might not need as well.
Sorry, I always get carried away with writing, I should probably avoid this thread for my own sake.
The second sentence probably should be "I'm afforded these privileges by veterans who have made the ultimate sacrifice to protect them." That way it agrees with the sentence before it. Privilege, privileges.
"I also have made the Dean’s list for two semesters in a row while working as a web developer, and also holding active memberships in extra-curricular activities."
"I also made the Dean's list for two consecutive semesters while working as a web developer and holding active memberships in extra-curricular activities."
A simple past tense will do here if your just listing past events. When you combine an auxiliary verb with your primary verb it essentially implies that this statement continues into present time. While your sentence isn't confusing with it, it's not necessary. Some people like to use it for emphasis however, which might be what you have done here. The beginning of your third paragraph is a perfect example of the technically correct usage of this.
I think the comma after 3.25 is unnecessary as well. There's probably a few more you might not need as well.
Sorry, I always get carried away with writing, I should probably avoid this thread for my own sake.
Please don't! I'm glad to help people here, but I am not half the grammar nazi you are (in a good way). I use the "doesn't-sound-right/that'll-do" grammar system, which catches many errors, but not all of them.
Maybe I missed the ship on that one in English class but I didn't know there were multiple styles for using commas. Thanks for looking through my draft, I'll definitely choose one or the other and keep it consistent. Thanks for the help