My NROTC essay

[Immy]

So my recruiter told me that if I have my app in before this weekend is over, I can make the Dec. 8 boards. So, I've been working to get it done and finalize all my decisions regarding college. I like to think a bit too much about things, and have been making sure this is what I want to do. It is.

This is my essay for the "Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Naval Officer" topic. I'm looking for any and all criticism, grammatically and whatever else, especially about my reasons. Should I put that I want to become a Naval Aviator? Are some of my reasons stupid? Let me know, please. Thanks in advance for any help and I apologize if there is already a thread on this!

I desire to become a Naval Officer for a few reasons. The first of these is to serve my country. I believe that there is nothing more honorable than serving one's country in the military. Having several family members who have served in the Army, I am not a total stranger to military service. Secondly, it is my belief that by becoming a Naval Officer will only serve to better myself as a person, physically and mentally. Serving in the Navy will let me gain valuable life and leadership qualities that cannot be gained anywhere else. While a civilian occupation obviously can have its benefits, being in the military can only benefit more due to the added discipline and professionalism. With lives potentially being at stake, there is no room for error in any of the services. Physically, the standards set by the Navy will force me to keep myself as healthy as I possibly can. While I have no work out regimen established now, I plan to very soon so I can become as physically fit as I possibly can going into NROTC. Mentally, all the knowledge I will have gained in college will only be expounded on while serving in the Navy. Certain things that would not be taught to me in the civilian world will definitely have a huge importance in the Navy. Thirdly, it would be a privilege able to lead sailors in the Navy as an officer. It is a huge responsibility, and with so many men and women depending on one's leadership as an officer I can see why the standards are so high for officers in any of the services. I hope that I can meet those standards and lead to the best of my abilities; anything I can do to make myself into a better leader I will. Finally, it is my goal to become a Naval Aviator. While this is down the road a bit, it has always been my desire to fly any aircraft in the military. Only recently have I realized this was practical due to advancements in eye surgery. While having this goal, I also realize that being a Naval Officer comes first on my priority list, and I would be happy serving in any of the positions that the Navy has to offer. In conclusion, my reasons for wanting to become a Naval Officer are extensive, and it is a huge undertaking, but I believe that if I succeed to the best of my abilities I can accomplish this goal and become a successful officer in the United States Navy.



Thanks again.

 

[Stick]

None of your reasons are stupid, they are YOUR reasons. Things I would change:

1) Capitalize the word Sailor. In the Navy it was declared to be a proper noun a few years ago and is supposed to be capitalized.

2) I would drop the whole sentence about advances in eye surgery. I wouldn't tell then you have eye problems just yet. Just get the surgery done. You can look up all the requirements about what surgery you need to get to be eligible for aviation.

3) I would not say you don't work out now. That could give the impression that you are lazy.

These are just my opinions, so take it how you want. I am sure others will provide feedback.

 

[Immy]

Thanks! Will revise as suggested.

 

[CommodoreMid]

In terms of style, go through and try to make your voice a little more active. You use a lot of "being" verbs- try to use ones that suggest "doing" if you know what I mean. Also, try to eliminate unnecessary adjectives and adverbs. They clutter up your sentences without adding much meaning. You know what points you are trying to convey so you need to decide what words will best accomplish that succinctly.

 

[Immy]

Ok, this is what I have revised so far.

I desire to become a Naval Officer for a few reasons. The first of these is to serve my country. I believe that there is nothing more honorable than serving one's country in the military. Having several family members who have served in the Army, I am not a total stranger to military service. Secondly, I hold a belief that by becoming a Naval Officer will only serve to better myself as a person. Serving in the Navy will let me gain valuable life and leadership qualities that cannot be gained anywhere else. While a civilian occupation obviously can have its benefits, being in the military can only benefit more due to the added discipline and professionalism. With lives potentially being at stake, error simply cannot be allowed. Physically, the standards set by the Navy will force me to keep myself as healthy as I possibly can. Mentally, all the knowledge I will have gained in college will only be expounded on while serving in the Navy. Certain things I would not learn in the civilian world will definitely have a huge importance in the Navy. Thirdly, it would be a privilege to lead Sailors in the Navy as an officer. It is a huge responsibility, and with so many men and women depending on one's leadership as an officer I can see why the standards are so high for officers in any of the services. I hope that I can meet those standards and lead to the best of my abilities; anything I can do to make myself into a better leader I will. Finally, I hope to become a Naval Aviator. While this is down the road a bit, it has always been my desire to fly any aircraft in the military. While having this goal, I also realize that being a Naval Officer comes first on my priority list, and I would be happy serving in any of the positions that the Navy has to offer. In conclusion, my reasons for wanting to become a Naval Officer are extensive, and it is a huge undertaking, but I believe that if I succeed to the best of my abilities I can accomplish this goal and become a successful officer in the United States Navy.

It hasn't changed much, but I've tried to use more action instead of linking verbs, capitalized Sailors, and left out the eye surgery and training regimen bit. More suggestions welcome, thanks again!

 

[Lobster]

Your overall idea is good but speak about what qualities you have that would be assets to the Navy, you have spoken about how the Navy would be great for you but you also need to let the reader know how you will be an asset to the Navy, what will you do in the Navy, how you can benefit the Navy, how your previous leadership experience can help the Navy.

 

[Immy]

Thanks! Revised again.

 

[Schnugg]

Work on the stuff in red, eliminate the number counting underlined...

I desire to become a Naval Officer for a few reasons. The first of these is to serve my country. I believe that there is nothing more honorable than serving one's country in the military. Having several family members who have served in the Army, I am not a total stranger to military service. Secondly, I hold a belief that by becoming a Naval Officer will only serve to better myself as a person. Serving in the Navy will let me gain valuable life and leadership qualities that cannot be gained anywhere else. While a civilian occupation obviously can have its benefits, being in the military can only benefit more due to the added discipline and professionalism. With lives potentially being at stake, error simply cannot be allowed. Physically, the standards set by the Navy will force me to keep myself as healthy as I possibly can. Mentally, all the knowledge I will have gained in college will only be expounded on while serving in the Navy. Certain things I would not learn in the civilian world will definitely have a huge importance in the Navy. Thirdly, it would be a privilege to lead Sailors in the Navy as an officer. It is a huge responsibility, and with so many men and women depending on one's leadership as an officer I can see why the standards are so high for officers in any of the services. I hope that I can meet those standards and lead to the best of my abilities; anything I can do to make myself into a better leader I will. Finally, I hope to become a Naval Aviator. While this is down the road a bit, it has always been my desire to fly any aircraft in the military. While having this goal, I also realize that being a Naval Officer comes first on my priority list, and I would be happy serving in any of the positions that the Navy has to offer. In conclusion, my reasons for wanting to become a Naval Officer are extensive, and it is a huge undertaking, but I believe that if I succeed to the best of my abilities I can accomplish this goal and become a successful officer in the United States Navy.

These don't align:
I desire to become a Naval Officer for a few reasons.... In conclusion, my reasons for wanting to become a Naval Officer are extensive, and it is a huge undertaking, (what's extensive, you're reasons?)

 

[Immy]

Thanks! Revised. Wasn't totally sure what you meant by work on, but I changed what I thought necessary. Any further changes welcomed before I submit my app tonight.

I desire to become a Naval Officer for a number of reasons, and realize that in order to become a Naval Officer it will take a huge personal investment. Serving my country is at the top of my list of reasons. I believe that there is nothing more honorable than serving one's country in the military. Having two grandfathers and an uncle who have served in the Army, I am not a total stranger to military service. Also, I hold a belief that by becoming a Naval Officer will only serve to better myself as a person. Serving in the Navy will let me gain valuable life and leadership qualities that cannot be gained anywhere else. While a civilian occupation obviously can have its benefits, being in the military can only benefit more due to the added discipline and professionalism. With lives potentially being at stake, error simply cannot be allowed. Physically, the standards set by the Navy will motivate me to keep myself as healthy as I possibly can. Mentally, all the knowledge I will have gained in college be of great importance while serving in the Navy. Certain things I would not learn in the civilian world will definitely have a huge importance in the Navy. It would also be a privilege to lead Sailors in the Navy as an officer. It is a huge responsibility, and with so many men and women depending on one's leadership as an officer I can see why the standards are so high for officers in any of the services. I hope that I can meet those standards and lead to the best of my abilities; anything I can do to make myself into a better leader I will. In the Navy, I hope to become a Naval Aviator. While this is down the road a bit, it has always been my desire to fly any aircraft in the military. While having this goal, I also realize that being a Naval Officer comes first on my priority list, and I would be happy serving in any of the positions that the Navy has to offer. I also firmly believe that I can prove myself as an asset to the Navy. My life experiences up to this point, playing varsity golf, being a youth tutor, holding down a job, and succeeding in the classroom, will only benefit the Navy if I am so fortunate as to gain a commission. In conclusion, my reasons for wanting to become a Naval Officer are extensive, and it is a huge undertaking, but I believe that if I succeed to the best of my abilities I can accomplish this goal and become a successful officer in the United States Navy.

Revised to make statements align, thanks Schnugg. Any other revisions still welcome!

 

[SLB]

My life experiences up to this point, playing varsity golf, being a youth tutor, holding down a job, and succeeding in the classroom, will only benefit the Navy if I am so fortunate as to gain a commission

Explain why these experiences will help the Navy. For instance, playing varsity golf has taught you the importance of teamwork, a job has taught you how to manage your time, being a youth tutor has taught you the importance of passing on knowledge. Of course use your own reasons.

Good Luck.
SLB

 

[Lobster]

Explain why these experiences will help the Navy. For instance, playing varsity golf has taught you the importance of teamwork, a job has taught you how to manage your time, being a youth tutor has taught you the importance of passing on knowledge. Of course use your own reasons.

Good Luck.
SLB

Very good points, I apologize for not being more specific, there must be an explanation of the method to the madness

 

[Junkball]

Your overall idea is good but speak about what qualities you have that would be assets to the Navy, you have spoken about how the Navy would be great for you but you also need to let the reader know how you will be an asset to the Navy, what will you do in the Navy, how you can benefit the Navy, how your previous leadership experience can help the Navy.

"And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you--ask what you can do for your country."
-JFK's inaugural address

Emphasize what you can contribute to the Navy. The men and women you're writing to know all about the benefits of service in the Service, but if you're only talking about what you gain, that doesn't sound much like service, does it?

 

[Lobster]

"And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you--ask what you can do for your country."
-JFK's inaugural address

Emphasize what you can contribute to the Navy. The men and women you're writing to know all about the benefits of service in the Service, but if you're only talking about what you gain, that doesn't sound much like service, does it?

haha well said, wasn't that in someone's essay on here a while back?

 

[Immy]

I revised it a bit more with more emphasis on what I could do for the navy and submitted it earlier, my recruiter is working on setting up the interview now. Nice to finally have the ball rolling. Even if I don't get the 4 year (which I honestly don't expect to, considering my major and the only thing I have that is well above average is my ACT) I'm still gonna do ROTC and hopefully pick up a 2 or 3 yr. scholarship.

Thanks so much for all the tips, my essay wouldn't be half as good as it is now if it wasn't for this site.

 

[CWJones411]

haha well said, wasn't that in someone's essay on here a while back?

I think thats from the Girl Next Door