Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[jhIOWA]

I want to thank those who are taking the time to provide feedback. You guys are doing a great job and I've found this thread to be very helpful. Please feel free to be as brutal as you can with my motivational speech.

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I am requesting commission as a Naval Officer not only to serve my country but to join a community of highly motivated men and women. The service men and women with whom I have met carry themselves with pride, courage, honor, and discipline. I choose another path, earning a college education. The experience was valuable; I was challenged, learned a technical skill set, and gained work experience in the field of information technology. However, I desire to serve a greater purpose.

The United States is a global force for good and there is no greater honor than to defend her against hostile foreign threats. I recently married and wish to begin a life long career in the United States Navy. I hold a deep respect for the men and women who serve and wish to join them in defending my country. I long to one day come home to my family wearing the Navy dress whites with the pride and humility that come with being a member of the United States Navy.

While nothing outside of the Navy could prepare me for the challenges that lay ahead, the leadership experiences I have had thus far have been extremely rewarding. I had the opportunity as a teaching assistant to give lectures twice weekly and hold office hours for a computer science course on data-structures. The performance of many of the students in the class was dependent on my ability to provide instruction and clearly articulate the key concepts many found challenging. Over the course of the class, I witnessed several of the students I worked with frequently perform at a much higher level than they had initially. I realized I was responsible for the success and failure of my students. This experience taught me that leadership is more than commanding respect and confidence it is also internalizing the success of others who depend on your ability.

I will proudly serve my country along side the men and women of the United States Navy. As a Naval Officer I will embody the core values of honor, courage, and commitment. I will bring to the Navy my experience, knowledge, and dedication.

 

[Lucy]

Jclamar- first off, too quote heavy. While quotes can be helpful, you have three, all of which you could convey without using the actual quote. This both detracts from the "you" and your word count. While it might be permissible to refer to the States as her, you overdo it here, to the point that it is easy to get lost. This is coupled with misplaced commas and bad grammar. Your concept/where you start is just fine, but the first four paragraphs could, and should, be shortened into a paragraph or two that truly focuses on what you want to say, not necessarily what you think they want to hear, which is how it comes off at this point. Also you have fallen to the very common mistake of stating qualities that you have but give no evidence, proof, etc. that you actually have shown them. I would probably recommend a do-over, and re-examine what you are trying to say and focus on that instead of trying to convey so much and in turn saying so little.

 

[Lucy]

JhIOWA- Pretty good start, but I think you ran into the same problem I did when I started mine. You write as though you will be reading/presenting this, not as though someone else is reading this. While I can tell your drive and passion, there are places that obviously would be impactful if spoken, but fall a little flat when read. Just think of that when revising.
"The service men and women with whom I have met carry themselves with pride, courage, honor, and discipline. I choose another path, earning a college education." This is not good. You are stating that your path did not lead to those same qualities. It would be better to relate your experiences in gaining this attributes but how you want to excel in them as you have seen those who serve do. In this paragraph you belittle your education and that is not a good way to start. You can still say how you desire to do something with a greater purpose, but not wise to state you had previously not been.
I take you are going IWO from the technical reference and foreign hostile threats?
Your second paragraph is rather disorganized and skips around quite a bit. Third starts off a little rough, but I really like your statement about internalizing what your leadership means to others. Conclusion is week and does little for you. You have about 360 words, according to my word processor, and while you do not need 400 exactly, use the space to better conclude what you are saying. That last paragraph should be what they remember most, you want a strong finish.
Good Luck!
Lucy

 

[N83]

This is what I have. I'm 173 words over, but this is the basic idea that I wish to convey. I'd like some advice on what to keep/what to scrap. Thanks in advance for the help!

Having grown-up in rural South Dakota, I never had a chance to find my niche in life. Even though I had a scholarship and was slotted to go to college after high school, I realized that something wasn’t right. A few months before graduation I visited a Navy recruiter. I signed-up soon after and shipped out a few weeks after graduation.

In the Navy, I finally had a chance to explore who I was and what drove me. I found that not only did I have enormous pride in serving my country, but I thrived on a challenge and a sense of camaraderie that only the military could offer.

I excelled in everything I did while enlisted. I graduated at the top of my class in CTT ‘A’ School, and after arriving at my first duty station, I made sure that I was the best OPELINT analyst that they had. It was this drive and dedication to duty that made me stand out to my Chief, and I was soon appointed as the OPELINT Supervisor for the entire department. Not only did I strive to be the best at my job, I made sure that my Navy- and rating-wide knowledge surpassed all of my peers. This contributed to my promotion to both E4 and E5 on the first try despite fleet-wide selection rates below 20%. To push myself even further, I volunteered for Aircrew after my first command. I was told that it was an opportunity to be the best CTT possible, and that’s all the encouragement it took.

I served in close proximity with amazing leaders ranging from LCPO’s to Department Heads. Having seen first-hand what makes them great, I have molded my techniques and characteristics around them. I’ve seen what it takes to challenge and encourage an already-stellar group of enlisted Sailors, how to distribute discipline, and how to appropriately be involved in the personal life of a subordinate.

I left the Navy to go to school full-time to earn my Bachelor’s degree. While at school I’ve become involved with the NROTC unit by tutoring physics, speaking with the students about the Navy and providing casual mentorship. Although my current GPA is a 2.97, I’ve shown an improvement every semester. I’ve accomplished this while working at least 20 hours a week and managing a marriage as well. I’m still striving to do better, but I’m proud of the accomplishment considering it’s a degree in Physics at a very challenging university.

Having held several part-time jobs since leaving the Navy, my current position as an Emergency Room Technician is by far the most enjoyable. I find that many of the same qualities that I grew to love about the Navy, like the challenge and fast pace, are mirrored within it. I’ve also been given a chance help the community and serve those in great need. However, as enjoyable as emergency medicine is, I find that I still have a heart for the Navy.

I am a strong candidate for a commission not only because I have the experience, drive, and exposure to great Naval leadership, but also because I feel like I have seen all that life has to offer me, and Navy is ultimately what I want out of it. Not only do I want to become a Naval Officer, I want to retire as a Naval Officer. It is now my goal, my dream, and I’m going to achieve it.

 

[ker986]

Hey everyone. I've been browsing Airwarriors for a few weeks now as I started to get my OCS package together and today I finally decided to register so that I could make use of this great thread to get some feedback on my motivational statement. I've been struggling with writers block over the past few days, but I think I'm finally getting it headed in the right direction. It is currently 385 words. Thanks in advance for your input!

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Over the past several months I have developed a strong desire to pursue a career as an officer in the United States Navy. After much soul searching I have come to realize that I have been pursuing a career that fit my degree not a career that truly fits my interests and personality. Throughout my life I have felt drawn to activities that provided a challenge, the opportunity to mentor others, and the sense of pride and honor that comes from serving in an organization where the team comes before the individual. Through examining these interests I have come to realize that my true calling is to serve my country as an officer in the United States Navy. I look forward to the sense of pride that will come from following in the footsteps of the servicemen and women who have come before me; and knowing that my work is not being done for personal gain, but in defense of the freedoms we are privileged to have as United States citizens.

In addition to my desire to serve my country I also have developed skills that will help me to be successful as a naval officer. During high school and college I spent much of my free time participating in martial arts. My Tae Kwon Do training helped me to develop discipline as well as both the mental and physical toughness needed to succeed in challenging and stressful environments. In addition to pursuing my own training I was also heavily involved in the training of others. During this time I was in charge of leading classes of twenty to thirty students, as well as working with a team of other instructors to ensure that promotional testings and competitions ran smoothly. These activities gave me invaluable experience in mentoring others while also teaching me the importance of planning, time management, and attention to detail.

I believe these skills, as well as my integrity and my drive to excel at everything that I do will allow me to be an asset to the United States Navy if given the opportunity to serve as an officer. I look forward to having the priviledge of mentoring as well as learning from my fellow sailors and working together to overcome the challenges we will face in defense of our country.

 

[csm449]

Hey everyone! This is my first time visiting AW. I was referred here from usnavyocs.com. Anyways, here's my first draft. I've been playing around with it for a couple days but I still feel it needs some work. Any criticism is greatly appreciated.

[FONT=&quot]Coach John Wooden once said, “You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]” Becoming a Navy officer will give me the ability to do just that; help people and make a difference every day. The idealistic values of making a difference in people’s lives and the world are my number one motivators. I have always wanted to serve my country; however, I felt that it would be a better route for me to earn a college degree first and then try and enter the service as an officer.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]After graduating from Northern Arizona University last year, people started asking me what I was going to do with a degree in English. It’s true; an English degree doesn’t create many opportunities for someone in today’s job market. However, most people see English coursework as merely just reading books and writing poems. The truth of the matter is, however, that a degree in English teaches students the importance of communication and critical thinking. As former presidential speech writer, James Humes once wrote; “The art of communication is the language of leadership.” The abilities to think critically and communicate effectively are invaluable skills and are pertinent to a good leader. I believe I have gained these skills through the completion of my degree. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]My leadership ability was recently put to the test. For the past month and a half I was given the opportunity to take over three high school classes for a teacher who was leaving. It was a very challenging, yet, very rewarding experience as I was able to practice my leadership and communication skills in an unfamiliar setting. The task of leading, teaching, and motivating 65 teenagers every day wasn’t easy; however, using my newly acquired skills and training I was able to successfully make their transition to a new teacher seamless and effective. During those two months I learned a great deal about my ability to adapt to new situations and about my abilities to lead and communication effectively.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]In closing, I know that as an officer in the Navy I will be challenged and I will have the opportunity to grow as much as I’d like to. I look forward to doing this while serving my country through dedication to the principles and values that the Navy is built upon; Honor, Courage, and Commitment.[/FONT]

 

[a-6intruder]

N83 - I haven't reviewed moto statements in a long time. They tend to sap my energy and right now I don't feel the need because there are several very capable people performing the editing service.

But, some things jumped out at me that I wish to comment on:

I don't follow your opening argument that being from rural South Dakota prevented you from having a chance to find your niche in life. Sounds too much like an excuse. Clearly you have done well so far. Don't start your statement by being on the defensive. You can convey what I think you're trying to say by writing something like "I wasn't sure I was ready for college, despite having scholarship offers, so I decided to enlist in the Navy..." Makes it sound more like you are in control rather than reacting.

Fourth paragraph - LCPOs is plural, not possessive. Ditch the apostrophe.

Be careful with "I've seen all that life has to offer me." You are about 24, I'm guessing? If that's the case, you're in for a long, boring life. I've been here for 47 years and I'm just getting started. Better to say something like - I've experienced several challenges (which you have) and the Navy is the one that appeals to me the most."

Also, I'm not a fan of "I want to retire as a Naval officer." The guys who seem to do the best are the ones who focus on doing well and enjoying the current assignment, which then enables a quality set of follow-on orders. Before you know it, you've got 20 or more in and wonder where the time went.

My .02 worth...

 

[sejones64]

First time trying this...435 words

An Officer in the Navy means serving a country that has done a great deal for me. As cliché as it sounds, only in America could a person be homeless, but through tenacity and hard work earn an education; thereby, having the opportunity to lead in the finest structure in the world.

I grew up an impressionable African-American male, raised by a single mother in one of the worse areas in Newport News, VA. My family moved around every year. We lived in a church when I was four because we did not have a place to call home. I did not know I was homeless at that time, because my mother was with me. However, when I was 10, and we lived in a homeless shelter, I understood and was embarrassed to get off the school bus. It was around this time that my mother told me the only way to get out of this horrible situation was by hard work and an education.

In high school, I applied myself and signed up for college courses in my junior year. Senior year, I was voted Student Body Vice-President. Due to hard work, I received an academic scholarship to go to college. While at Old Dominion University, I became a Resident Assistant and a Student Senator. During my Junior and Senior year, I was a Student Research Assistant for the Institute of Race and Ethnicity.

Since I came from a meager environment, I felt it was important to show teens they could be successful despite their background. So, I became a Tutor Counselor for Upward Bound, a high school program that helps underprivileged students prepare for college. For years, I served as Youth Minister for my local church and as National Conference Coordinator. I have continued to develop my faith in God, which has helped me forge ahead when times seemed too hard to bear.

After graduation, I became a Manager for a large corporation. As an early manager, I had a crew of about fifty employees. I was responsible for hiring, training, scheduling, development and discipline. Eventually, I progressed and was offered a job at another company as a Manager, where I was put in charge of about 130 employees. While working, I decided to further my education and last year earned my MBA.

I believe I have shown that by hard work and tenacity, dreams are possible. I have proven my leadership ability throughout my life; and I believe, if given the opportunity, I will be an asset to the United States Navy.

 

[a-6intruder]

Sejones64: Not bad grammatically, spelling, punctuation-wise; only mistake I saw after a first quick read was using "worse" rather than "worst" in second paragraph. Other comments:

1st para: If by "structure" you are referring to the Navy (or military), try replacing with the word "organization" or even use "military" or "navy" so the reader knows what you want.

2nd para: "I grew up an impressionable African-American male" sounds (to me, an old white guy) too much like the opening line from the 1979 Steve Martin movie The Jerk: "I was born a poor Black child..." There are plenty of places where your ethnic background will be highlighted. I prefer not to see it in a moto statement. While it defines you now, the goal is that it not define you in the future - you are striving to become a Naval Officer, not an African-American Naval Officer. Similarly, females are Naval Officers, not female Naval Officers. Applying adjectives to the profession (whether used by others, or self-inflicted) actually makes full integration all the more difficult. My opinion; others will no doubt differ.

Your statement is well written, you tell a somewhat unique story, and I agree you have done well and proven yourself through hard work and tenacity. Good luck!

 

[sejones64]

Thanks for the critique a-6intruder...I appreciate any help that I can get. I have made the changes that you suggested, and after re-reading...I like my statement more...thanks.

 

[sejones64]

Thanks for the critique a-6intruder...I appreciate any help that I can get. I have made the changes that you suggested, and after re-reading...I like my statement more...thanks.

I meant to say...I like how my statement reads now more...thanks for your help...

I see you're from Hampton Roads -so am I- I would love to talk to you off the thread if possible. Can you email me?

 

[a-6intruder]

Sejones64 - no worries. I inferred from the first reply that you were more comfortable with your updated version. PM sent w/ e-mail and phone number.

 

[a-6intruder]

CSM499 - my thoughts after reading your statement:

Technically (i.e. spelling, grammar, punctuation) correct. As an English major you would get slammed if it were not. But, because of your mastery of English composition, I think you need to do some rewrite. Specifically, you've over-used the semicolon. While each usage is correct, the sum total of five of them is a bit overwhelming. Likewise the use of the word "however" (four times).

I would also ask that you reconsider your stated number one motivator: "The idealistic values of making a difference in people’s lives and the world are my number one motivators."

I know we're a Global Force for Good, and all that jazz in the Navy recruiting ads, but if that's truly your number one driver, perhaps the Coast Guard, or a humanitarian organization would be a better fit. I'm not doubting your desire to serve, but I'm not sure making a difference in the world is going to sell you to the Selection Board. Perhaps you could temper this somewhat by noting that while defending our nation is the primary mission, the chance to help out during humanitarian relief efforts appeals to you as well.

 

[tylerdf04]

Guidance on statement

So this is my motivational statement. I am trying to be original. Tell me what you think and be critical please. I have to turn in my application next week and would greatly appreciate the tips.

As most motivational statements go, people refer to carrying on family tradition in the military and how great their accomplishments are. Although I have family who were former Officers in both the Air force and the Army and am proud of my triumphs, this is not what I wish to speak about. These are also not the reasons I desire to become a Naval Officer. What follows are my reasons.
Growing up, I have always possessed an insatiable fascination for the Ocean. It is mysterious, adventurous, wicked, placid, inclement, and placating all at the same time. Not one entity in existence has perplexed my mind like thoughts of the deep blue. This enthrallment not only pulls me towards wanting to be a sailor, it is screaming at me to fulfill a calling.
Recently, I decided to dedicate my life to public safety for many reasons. When I perish I want people to understand that I was altruistic in every way. My life will never be based on monetary greed nor accomplishment through a materialistic manner. For example: I currently work for the Florida Department of Corrections, as an Officer. Most people would never want to be in such a hostile and inhospitable environment. However, I feel by doing my part and keeping these individuals incarcerated, I ensure my community is safe and this gives me great satisfaction. The same applies for a Naval Officer. I will be responsible for the lives of others and protecting my country no matter what the cost. Finally a point has arrived in my life where I am ready to conquer and lead for a true cause, my country.
When cast into the setting of achieving in the Navy, I will and I must stay motivated not only for myself but for fellow sailors who will depend on my guidance. My commitment to public safety and my exhilaration for the mystifying deep abyss only scratch the surface of motivational reasons I embrace. It will be the perfect environment to thrive and promote others to thrive in as well. In making the Navy a better organization I am here, and I am here to serve magnanimously for the rest of my years. I am dedicating my life, my honor, my courage, my commitment, my integrity, my thoughts, and my talents to the United States Navy and there is no greater calling.

 

[chrisc]

So this is my motivational statement. I am trying to be original. Tell me what you think and be critical please. I have to turn in my application next week and would greatly appreciate the tips.

As most motivational statements go, people refer to carrying on family tradition in the military and how great their accomplishments are. Although I have family who were former Officers in both the Air force and the Army and am proud of my triumphs, this is not what I wish to speak about. These are also not the reasons I desire to become a Naval Officer. What follows are my reasons.
Growing up, I have always possessed an insatiable fascination for the Ocean. It is mysterious, adventurous, wicked, placid, inclement, and placating all at the same time. Not one entity in existence has perplexed my mind like thoughts of the deep blue. This enthrallment not only pulls me towards wanting to be a sailor, it is screaming at me to fulfill a calling.
Recently, I decided to dedicate my life to public safety for many reasons. When I perish I want people to understand that I was altruistic in every way. My life will never be based on monetary greed nor accomplishment through a materialistic manner. For example: I currently work for the Florida Department of Corrections, as an Officer. Most people would never want to be in such a hostile and inhospitable environment. However, I feel by doing my part and keeping these individuals incarcerated, I ensure my community is safe and this gives me great satisfaction. The same applies for a Naval Officer. I will be responsible for the lives of others and protecting my country no matter what the cost. Finally a point has arrived in my life where I am ready to conquer and lead for a true cause, my country.
When cast into the setting of achieving in the Navy, I will and I must stay motivated not only for myself but for fellow sailors who will depend on my guidance. My commitment to public safety and my exhilaration for the mystifying deep abyss only scratch the surface of motivational reasons I embrace. It will be the perfect environment to thrive and promote others to thrive in as well. In making the Navy a better organization I am here, and I am here to serve magnanimously for the rest of my years. I am dedicating my life, my honor, my courage, my commitment, my integrity, my thoughts, and my talents to the United States Navy and there is no greater calling.

Hi. I'm also still working on my motivational statement (2nd draft!), but I still feel there's something I want to say, but am unable to convey. I am kind of hoping that by reading these motivational statements, I can find those few words that are missing.

I have no idea the criteria on the motivational statement. A lot of people posted, "Just be yourself," but that doesn't seem to work in the real world.

I want to note that some people's statements I feel just replaced the question, "Why am I seeking a commission?" with "Why should I hire you??"

Here's my opinion about your 395 word statement. I mean no offense and am giving a total opinion about your statement, which you can do as you please. Hopefully, by getting a response, you may be able to use my input constructively. I'm not going to tell you what to write (you want this to be in your own words), but how I feel about what you wrote.

I like what you wrote about your fascination of the ocean, but seems too deep (just like the ocean .
Your 3rd paragraph about dedication to public safety is something worth mentioning. A purpose is great, but I just didn't get motivated about the 3rd paragraph. Just felt negative. Your 4th paragraph was more motivating, but felt a bit cheesy.

I truly hope your final draft of your statement works for you. Good luck.