Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[Mark.herbst]

Hello all,
I am pursuing a commision to be a Naval officer. I have been reading many posts on AW and this community seems extremly supportive and helpful. Therefore, I am going to post my motivational statement here so I can get a secord or even third opinion. I've read many letters in this thread and I feel with the overwhelming proofreading and editing this would be a great place to post my statement. It's a little over 400 words as well as a first draft but any constructive critisim would be greatly appreciated. Thank you AW!


Both of my grandfathers servedhonorably in the United States Navy. My grandfather, John Herbst served as a fighterpilot on the U.S.S Essex in the Pacific and the U.S.S. Philippine Sea in Koreaperforming unarmed reconnaissance missions against the enemy. He flewskillfully and respectively until he gave his life for his country. My other grandfather,Dempsey Butler, was a Captain and pilot aboard U.S.S. Coral Sea and U.S.S.Midway where he commanded a flight squadron for 36 years.

When reflecting on my grandfathers’lives, two words come to mind; honor and pride. As I began my commitment tobecome a Navy officer, I had known little of my grandfathers’ naval history. However,as I researched I am proud to have such men part of my heritage. To follow on apath as prestigious as theirs, being naval officer would be an outstanding honor.I believe the pride I would experience as a naval officer could only be exceededby the insurmountable pride my grandfathers’ would feel for me.

Motivation is a sensation that forcesor pushes an individual past adversity to grasp what they have initiallydesired. I attain this sense of motivation in any challenge that may confront me.When told that I cannot do something or achieve a certain goal, motivation and dedicationare two qualities that I utilize to strive to prove my strength as a whole individual.In high school, I was told by teachers that college would be a slim chance.With average grades leaving high school, I attended a local community collegeand transferred to a well-respected private University. I studied what I feltpassionate about because I was always told “do what you love, everything else willfollow.” Possessing an interest in Eastern European history with an emphasis onWorld War II, I achieved a personal goal that some believed was not attainable.

Not only proving people wrong,but showing others and myself that I possess the capability and perseverance toachieve my goals. I am striving to become a part of globally-respected group ofmen and women who possess the dedication, motivation and experience that I do. Commitment,dedication and perseverance are three well used qualities I can bring to the Navy.Not only does the Navy provide an opportunity to lead thebest, but also a chance to learn and work with the best. I look forward to honorableprivilege of leading dedicated and loyal sailors as an officer in the United StatesNavy.

 

[marmoset54]

Mark,

I'm tired, but I'll give it a shot. Not to downplay your grandfathers' amazing contributions to the war effort, but it's a bit old hat. Almost EVERYONE'S grandfather served in WWII. You may mention it, but keep it to two sentences max.

What you need to focus on is what YOU can do for the Navy. Sell yourself. They know you want the commission. Why should they give it to you?

Needs a re-write, mon frere.

And if you are going to lay out three qualities like you did in the last paragraph...choose "Honor, Courage, and Commitment."

 

[Mark.herbst]

Thanks, your comments make sense since it is MY statement. It will definitly free up some word space. Greatly appreciated Marmoset.

 

[BusyBee604]

Proofread!

Both of my grandfathers servedhonorably in the United States Navy. My grandfather, John Herbst served as a fighterpilot on the U.S.S Essex in the Pacific and the U.S.S. Philippine Sea in Koreaperforming unarmed reconnaissance missions against the enemy. He flewskillfully and respectively until he gave his life for his country. My other grandfather,Dempsey Butler, was a Captain and pilot aboard U.S.S. Coral Sea and U.S.S.Midway where he *commanded a flight squadron for 36 years.

You have many instances of "wordsruntogetheritis" throughout (examples in bold).

*This has to be an erroneous statement. No one person commands a Navy Squadron for 36 years! The average command tour runs 18 months to two years. A glaring factual error like this will raise doubts about the credibility of the whole statement, in the minds of the selection board.
BzB

 

[Mark.herbst]

I noticed that when I first posted it, some words just forgot thier spaces but on my word doc it all looked fine. Regarding the 36 years, ya he served for 36 and of course not all were leading a flight squad, ill be sure to make it more specific. Thanks.

 

[nismospeed5spd]

SECOND DRAFT:

I am seeking a commission to be a United States Naval Officer, and that desires comes from my goal and passion of completing a duty to our Nation, and to have a deeper appreciation of all our Nation provides. My father served in the first Gulf War and 14 years total service before leaving the Navy on his own terms as a Lieutenant Commander. My grandfather served and sacrificed for our Nation as a senior enlisted man in the ‘SeaBees’ while serving for 4 years in Vietnam. The other important reason why I want to be a Naval Officer is thanks to my upbringing in a Navy family, where ever we relocated the Navy provided a home for me, a bond to something larger than myself, and something that I have begun to miss as I get older. The United States Navy is a tangible form of leadership, and I will commit all of my efforts to helping our Nation reach the goals set forth by our Chain of Command and overcome any obstacles in our path.

I will be an excellent final selection for Officer Candidate School because of my courage to struggle through dilemmas, and to honoring integrity of character over taking the easy routes. My service as the student body President for my university taught me how to gain competency of complex institutions quickly while focusing on details and political influences. Being elected by my peers into the Presidency offered me opportunities to collaborate with administrators, and develop interpersonal communications with an emotional intelligence that most my age lack. My Fraternity provided me and a team of 17 other undergraduates a week long outdoor survival school which taught me how to be self sufficient with limited resources, and mental fortitude to deal with isolation. My overall undergraduate experiences helped me to thrive from flexibility and open-mindedness that I learned through exposure to volunteer groups, and professional societies in numerous fields. My extensive extracurricular involvement while attending college speaks to my Commitment to the Institutions I joined, and the Navy will be no different.

When selected to be a Naval Officer I will lead by the Sailor’s Creed: Honor, Courage and Commitment.

 

[mbstroz]

I am trying to re-do my motivational statement and I came up with this complete re-write. I need some quick advice as I need to present this on Saturday. It is a bit short but It feels like it covers what I need.

I am seeking a commission to be a United States Naval Officer. This dream is because I have spent my entire life in and around the United States Military. The military has been my career even after getting out and becoming a contractor. I work around all the services every day and I started to notice something that intrigued me more and more each time I saw it. The Navy sailors showed more discipline and drive than any of the other services that I worked with. I noticed little things like respect to Officers, Petty Officers, civilians and other service members no matter what the rank. As a contractor for the NIOC GA, I realized they always took the next steps when pushing IT for their needs. As a computer geek I appreciated this because I didn’t have to fight so hard to get the command to accept the future of the internet and technology. I had to brief and interact with the Navy command on many occasions after this and I realized I was missing something that I had not accomplished. I had been a solider but I now realized that I would have been happier as a Sailor. This started me down the path I am now on to become a Navy Officer. I have just finished my Masters degree in Information Technology and I have many years of experience, leadership and skills to give to the Navy. As a senior programmer and administrator I have a complete understanding of current systems and projects. This will allow for me to lead and direct people to do the best job available for the Navy. I am not only technically and tactically proficient; I am stronger and more mentally prepared than I have ever been. I train and work to win and the people I lead follow by my example. I have been deployed many times throughout my career and I work well under stress. I take the stress of a situation and use it to work faster and smarter. While I was a NCO in the Army, I trained my soldiers to handle any situation and I continued this style as a civilian leader. As the senior developer for the NSA Georgia, I have many different projects and people that rely on what my team does. This criticalness would be something I apply to Navy personnel that I lead. I know what needs to be done to accomplish the job or mission and that is what I do. As a Naval Officer, I would be able to lead and handle projects that shape the future of the Navy. It would be a great honor to serve again and I am confident that my skills, experience and leadership will be a great asset to the Navy.

 

[lildutch10]

Anyone up for proofing this MS for my husband who is applying for OCS in Supply? We spent a lot of time reading the great information on this site and this thread. The new application doesn't have a word count... but this statement is 604 words (it is one page single spaced in MS word). Not sure if this is selling his skills "too much" or the right amount. It seems a bit wordy, but we wanted to make sure his skills/experience were covered. Does he need to trim some fluff? Should he mention the specific community organizations he is involved in? He needs another set of eyes (or many) besides us (and family) to look at it. Thanks in advance.

It is with the utmost respect and honor that I am applying to be commissioned as an Officer in the United States Navy. My determination comes from a strong lifetime desire to serve my country and to offer my leadership skills to something bigger than myself. My brother has been a source of inspiration for me. He started out as an enlisted member of the Navy, and then moved on to graduate from the U.S. Naval Academy as a Surface Warfare Officer. I am ready to rise to the challenge and commitment of being a Naval Officer.

The leadership abilities I have established throughout my lifetime will give me the tools necessary to becoming a superb Officer. I will always go above and beyond in whatever I do to be successful; not only for myself, but for whatever team I am playing on whether it is work, sports or life. I earned a B.S. Degree in Business Management and Marketing. I have worked the last seven and a half years at a local family owned and operated lumber company, who has been in business for almost 160 years. I began my career there working in the lumber yard and delivering materials to job sites. In only eight months, I was moved to inside sales. Within a short amount of time thereafter, my drive and determination led me to have the opportunity to take over the inventory management and marketing of the company, all while maintaining my sales numbers at peak level. I have also organized and oversaw many of our annual company public and private events.

For the past two years, I have been solely managing a completely independent location of our business. My leadership qualities and ability to develop solutions quickly and efficiently endorsed me to achieve this position. I manage a staff of six employees at my location. I order all of the materials and maintain the entire inventory at an optimum level. I manage the sales and distribution of products, the company’s cell phone accounts, customer service, and scheduling of daily deliveries to job sites. I have implemented many new ideas such as composing spreadsheets to make our sales more proficient to serve our customers in a timely manner.

I pride myself in leading my employees and company to the highest level within our industry. I am proficient in executing tasks and managing my store in a fast-paced and demanding atmosphere. I climbed the ranks in my company within a few short years by strong determination, leadership skills and dedication. My promotions are a demonstration of my abundant leadership abilities. These skills have helped me continue to thrive both in work and life and are significant to what I can do for the Navy and as an Officer.

I have always been part of an athletic team as a player, captain and coach. I played through grade school, high school, college and well into my adult life. My experiences playing football, basketball, and baseball, have given me the advantage to mold myself into a natural leader and team player. I am active in my community as a 1st Degree member of the Knights of Columbus, member of the Brushtown Athletic Association, Notre Dame Club of Gettysburg, York and Adams County Builder’s Association and as a Youth Baseball Coach. All of these things allow me to display teamwork, leadership, integrity and commitment.

All of my accomplishments make me a sound candidate to pursue a commission through the Officer Candidate School. Given my vast experience, knowledge, leadership and commitment, I have what it takes to prosper as an Officer in the U.S. Navy.

 

[lildutch10]

Thanks anyway! We have to submit this today. Hopefully it's okay

 

[Kanjelman7]

Aside from the content of the motivational statement, I have some questions regarding the style of its presentation: (sorry if this is all trivial)

- margin size?
- preferred font and size
- single spaced or double spaced
- is the title/header simply "Motivational Statement" ?

thank you!

 

[Lucy]

Should be entered onto your app which will turn it to single space, no title, and standard font/size/margin. Just make sure to indent and do full spaces between paragraphs (single tiny type doesn't lend itself to normal double spacing next line indent).

 

[Dan1185]

Hello all, I have been researching the best places for motivational statement critiques and more times out of not airwarriors was recommended. This is my first draft and am open to suggestions, criticism, and what have you. Thank you all in advance!

Attaining a commission as a Naval Officer is a decision that comes from a strong passion and an unyielding commitment to something greater than myself. I have had aspirations of becoming a Naval Officer for as long as I can remember. I worked a full time job for two years in the civilian sector after graduating with my Bachelors Degree in 2008. Although successful at work, I wasn’t content and wanted to challenge myself within a military entity. I then made the important decision to attend graduate school, (GPA 3.73) with the purpose of making myself more competitive in an effort towards earning a commission as a Naval Officer. Not only does the Navy provide an opportunity to lead the best, but also an opportunity to learn and work with the best.


Family legacy is something I hold close and am proud to say that my Grandfather joined the United States Navy six months after Pearl Harbor was attacked. Listening to him recall his proudest moments of his time in the Navy has shown me his dedication to the Navy’s core values- Honor, Courage, and Commitment and that has motivated me to follow in his footsteps. I’m someone who will persevere through anything to achieve and exceed my goals. If I set my mind to something, I strongly believe I’m going to attain it.

Leadership abilities are some of the most important characteristics that are expected out of a Naval Officer. I will contribute the following elements of leadership: confidence, excellent listening skills, and strong moral principles. Some important and positive things that I have been privileged to lead are: chaperoning a youth kayaking trip to the Apostle Islands of Lake Superior through my church and coaching youth basketball at the YMCA. One of my biggest accomplishments was earning my Eagle Scout. While attaining this I was privileged to be a mentor to my peers and the younger Cub Scouts, so that they too, can feel important and accomplished.


Becoming an Officer in the United States Navy is a tremendous distinction that I have always wanted to earn. If selected, I will make becoming a Naval Officer my top priority. I look forward to the opportunity to serve my country through the dedication to the principles and values founded on- life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I sincerely hope you consider me for the honor of becoming a Naval Officer.

 

[JMonte85]

Hello all, I have been researching the best places for motivational statement critiques and more times out of not airwarriors was recommended. This is my first draft and am open to suggestions, criticism, and what have you. Thank you all in advance!

Attaining a commission as a Naval Officer is a decision that comes from a strong passion and an unyielding commitment to something greater than myself. I have had aspirations of becoming a Naval Officer for as long as I can remember. I worked a full time job for two years in the civilian sector after graduating with my Bachelors Degree in 2008. Although successful at work, I wasn’t content and wanted to challenge myself within a military entity. I then made the important decision to attend graduate school, (GPA 3.73) with the purpose of making myself more competitive in an effort towards earning a commission as a Naval Officer. Not only does the Navy provide an opportunity to lead the best, but also an opportunity to learn and work with the best.

Family legacy is something I hold close and am proud to say that my Grandfather joined the United States Navy six months after Pearl Harbor was attacked. Listening to him recall his proudest moments of his time in the Navy has shown me his dedication to the Navy’s core values- Honor, Courage, and Commitment and that has motivated me to follow in his footsteps. I’m someone who will persevere through anything to achieve and exceed my goals. If I set my mind to something, I strongly believe I’m going to attain it.

Leadership abilities are some of the most important characteristics that are expected out of a Naval Officer. I will contribute the following elements of leadership: confidence, excellent listening skills, and strong moral principles. Some important and positive things that I have been privileged to lead are: chaperoning a youth kayaking trip to the Apostle Islands of Lake Superior through my church and coaching youth basketball at the YMCA. One of my biggest accomplishments was earning my Eagle Scout. While attaining this I was privileged to be a mentor to my peers and the younger Cub Scouts, so that they too, can feel important and accomplished.

Becoming an Officer in the United States Navy is a tremendous distinction that I have always wanted to earn. If selected, I will make becoming a Naval Officer my top priority. I look forward to the opportunity to serve my country through the dedication to the principles and values founded on- life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I sincerely hope you consider me for the honor of becoming a Naval Officer.

I kind of feel you're all over the place to be honest. There is no smooth tranisitioning from each paragraph. Even your intro just kinda jumps into you working. I wouldn't dedicate a whole paragraph to your grandfather. I know it's honorable but it's an exhaustive statement and people use that as leverage. Not to sound rude, but the board members I'm sure are greatful that your couragous grandfather did everything that he did, but what did you do. Just because Micheal Jordan is a great basketball player, doesn't mean his grandson will be.

Since I already handed my stuff in here is mine.. I had it looked over and over and over by people.. And I changed it around many many times. I figure I will post what took me many hours to finally get right (for myself).. You sound like you wrote yours in an hour.

Copyright 2011

Do not copy any of this directly into your statement. It is for reference only!

"
I am seeking a commission into the United States Navy to commit and dedicate myself to being a Naval Officer and to fulfill a lifelong dream of flying. I have always been driven towards leadership and strived for success. As a teenager, I had my first taste of leadership as a supervisor at Toys R Us. By working cohesively, I learned what a team can accomplish and also the ups and downs of being a leader. Looking for more opportunities, I was inspired by a friend at Toys R Us to join the United States Air Force.

Upon graduating from high school I enlisted in the Air Force and had the honor of becoming an F-16 Crew Chief. While in tech school, as an Airman Leader, it was my responsibility to march and call mass commands to over fifty Airmen. I conducted open rank inspections, led physical training, and enforced squadron policies. Through my leadership experience and time on the flight line, I have proven that I have the ability to lead large groups of enlisted members, work well under pressure, and make calculated decisions in fast-paced and dangerous environments. Having ample opportunities to learn from and interact with the officers in my squadron, I was influenced by their shared experiences and mentoring to become an officer myself and lead others as honorably as I have been led. With the opportunity of the Air Force’s “Force Shaping Program,” and a clean record, I voluntarily departed so I could primarily focus on college with hopes to one day become a military officer.

Desiring involvement with my community while in college, I completed over 40 hours of volunteer service as well as participated in fundraising efforts for “Relay for Life.” I spent a valuable semester in AFROTC and learned the values of being a military officer while given additional leadership and responsibilities. Ultimately, I made the difficult decision to transfer schools and leave the AFROTC program in order to pursue a better education at Northern Illinois University. At Northern Illinois University, I worked as a Community Advisor in which I was in charge of over thirty students for two years. I conducted monthly meetings, enforced community policies, and organized many educational programs for the students. I was able to build a close community by earning the trust and respect of the students. As an officer I feel it will be important to earn the trust of those you are appointed over while attaining their respect and maintaining credibility.

I currently work as a Computer Technician and will be attending graduate school full time this fall. I was accepted to Illinois Institute of Technology for my Professional Masters in Aerospace Engineering. My time out of the military has only furthered my ambition to return. I want to return for no other reason than because of my deep desire to support the United States Navy, to carry on the fight for freedom, and to defend the United States Constitution. I appreciate this opportunity to be commissioned as a United States Naval Officer, and I look forward and hope to, once again proudly serve this great country.

 

[villanelle]

Grammar and usage type help only. IANAservicemember.


Attaining a commission as a Naval Officer is a decision that comes from a strong passion and an unyielding commitment to something greater than myself. [improper pairing of "attaining" and "decision" You didn't decide to attain; you decided to seek a commission or you set a goal of attaining.] I have had aspirations of becoming a Naval Officer for as long as I can remember. I worked a full time job for two years in the civilian sector after graduating with my Bachelors Degree in 2008.{There is no flow or relationship between these 2 sentences, and that makes it choppy and weird. It reads like stream of consciousness. Tie the thoughts together if they are supposed to be related. If not, dividing with a paragraph break at least.] Although successful at work, I wasn’t {for formal writing, skip contractions. Use "was not", unless there is some specific Navy style guide that says to do otherwise.} content and wanted to challenge myself within a military entity. {Challenge myself within a military entity"? This sounds like someone being interviewed on the news, trying to use big words to sound smart and getting it quite right. It is awkward structurally and unnecessarily wordy. "I wanted the challenges I knew I would get from military service" is much more direct and just better.} I then made the important decision to attend graduate school, (GPA 3.73) [random insertion of the GPA is weird to me. I am no expert on these submissions, but I assume this is in your submission packet so I'd leave it out, or try to put it into word format if you can, but mention Dean's list or cum laude or any such distinctions, but if you have to leave in the GPA, then it makes more sense to have it before the comma, rather than after.] with the purpose of making myself more competitive in an effort towards earning a commission as a Naval Officer. [The second part of this sentence, after my last brilliant interjection, is very wordy and awkward. Rework it. Particularly in need of attention is "...in an effort towards earning...". That barely makes sense.] Not only does the Navy provide an opportunity to lead the best, but also an opportunity to learn and work with the best. [Sentence is okay, but it doesn't say anything about you or refer to your strengths or goals in anyway. It's basically a fancy, "Navy rules!!" but since the point of this is kind of to sell yourself, I'd try to relate this back to you somehow. For example, add at the end, "...the best, allowing me continue to hone my leadership skills and blah blah blah."]


Family legacy is something I hold close and am proud to say that my Grandfather joined the United States Navy six months after Pearl Harbor was attacked. Listening to him recall his [change his to "the" as it reads better] proudest moments of his time in the Navy has shown me his dedication to the Navy’s core values- Honor, Courage, and Commitment[--] and that has motivated me to follow in his footsteps. I’m [I am] someone who will persevere through anything to achieve and exceed my goals. If I set my mind to something, I strongly believe I’m [I am] going to attain it. [Lots of borderline trite sayings and platitudes in this paragraph. I realize there are only so many ways you can say I am a leader and I work hard, but try to find words and phrases that aren't so predictable. For example, "follow in his footsteps"--How about strive to live up to the example set by my grandfather, who was dedicated in both military and civilian life to the Navy's core values of honor, courage, and commitment."? Now do the smae kind of wordsmitting you "perserve through anything to achieve my goals", and "If I set my mind to something, I strongly believe I am going to attain it", a sentence which really says very little at all.]

Leadership abilities are some of the most important characteristics that are expected out of a Naval Officer. [Wasted sentence. by adding a few words to your next sentence, you can get rid of this entirely.] I will contribute the following elements of leadership: confidence, excellent listening skills, and strong moral principles. Some important and positive things that I have been privileged to lead are [a phrase preceding a colon should be a complete sentence. This is not. Also, 2 sentences back to back with colon style lists is weird. And it is extra awkward that you give this big build up of the colon style listing, adn then follow it with 2 items. Really? You could only come up with 2 times you were a leader? If so, then you need to give a little less preamble to such a modest achievement.] : chaperoning a youth kayaking trip to the Apostle Islands of Lake Superior through my church and coaching youth basketball at the YMCA. One of my biggest accomplishments was earning my Eagle Scout [I am not a Boy Scout, what with my pesky uterus and all, but is Eagle Scout a badge or a rank, or some other terminology you use? Because "earning an Eagle Scout" sounds like you did something good and were given an 18 year old boy with a tent and a walking stick as your reward.]. While attaining this I was privileged to be a mentor to my peers and the younger Cub Scouts, so that they too, can feel important and accomplished. ["Can" is a weird tense to use. perhaps, "...Cub Scouts, helping to provide them with opportunities to feel important and accomplished.]


Becoming an Officer in the United States Navy is a tremendous distinction that I have always wanted to earn. If selected, I will make becoming a Naval Officer my top priority. I look forward to the opportunity to serve my country through the dedication to the principles and values founded on ["Values founded on" doesn't make sense. "Values on which this country was founded"]- life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I sincerely hope you consider me for the honor of becoming a Naval Officer.

 

[Dan1185]

I kind of feel you're all over the place to be honest. There is no smooth tranisitioning from each paragraph. Even your intro just kinda jumps into you working. I wouldn't dedicate a whole paragraph to your grandfather. I know it's honorable but it's an exhaustive statement and people use that as leverage. Not to sound rude, but the board members I'm sure are greatful that your couragous grandfather did everything that he did, but what did you do. Just because Micheal Jordan is a great basketball player, doesn't mean his grandson will be.

I plan on doing some re-working on the statement, show less detail to my grandfathers accomplishments and more on my intentions and also change my formatting a bit. I liked the Jordan analogy, didn't really think of it that way. Definitely good to get an outsiders perspectives on this. Thanks!

Do not copy any of this directly into your statement. It is for reference only!

I appreciate the suggestions and will not be using any information from your statement.

Grammar and usage type help only. IANAservicemember.

Leadership abilities are some of the most important characteristics that are expected out of a Naval Officer. [Wasted sentence. by adding a few words to your next sentence, you can get rid of this entirely.] I will contribute the following elements of leadership: confidence, excellent listening skills, and strong moral principles. Some important and positive things that I have been privileged to lead are [a phrase preceding a colon should be a complete sentence. This is not. Also, 2 sentences back to back with colon style lists is weird. And it is extra awkward that you give this big build up of the colon style listing, adn then follow it with 2 items. Really? You could only come up with 2 times you were a leader? If so, then you need to give a little less preamble to such a modest achievement.] : chaperoning a youth kayaking trip to the Apostle Islands of Lake Superior through my church and coaching youth basketball at the YMCA.

I have more volunteer experience that I will add into my leadership abilities and will try to smooth the transition between listing them.

One of my biggest accomplishments was earning my Eagle Scout [I am not a Boy Scout, what with my pesky uterus and all, but is Eagle Scout a badge or a rank, or some other terminology you use? Because "earning an Eagle Scout" sounds like you did something good and were given an 18 year old boy with a tent and a walking stick as your reward.].

Eagle Scout is to Boy Scouts as Admiral is to the Navy. There is a list of ranks that's achieved (Scout, Tenderfoot, Second Class, First Class, Star, Life, Eagle). I spent 8 years in the Boy Scouts to earn the Eagle Scout, so perhaps maybe focus more on my accomplishments earning this, versus just stating it?

I appreciate all the comments about the grammar and also the suggestions. I will be making some corrections.
Future draft to come soon!