Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[FormerRecruitingGuru]

I will be submitting this Motivational Statement on Monday 6/3. But I would love some feedback from those here in the meantime.


Growing up in the shadow of the 9/11 terror attack and witnessing the global war on terror rage, the desire to serve my country was instilled in me at a very young age. I seek a commission in the Navy to enhance my leadership abilities, acquire the skills of an officer, and learn from those who have experienced conflict and triumphed over it.

I believe that leading by example and understanding the responsibilities of your colleagues, both superior and subordinate, are key attributes of a leader. I demonstrated these qualities as a leader in CyberEye during my college years. In this organization, we provided open-source intelligence reports to federal agencies regarding emerging cyber threats. As the lead writer of the briefs, I utilized my knowledge and cyber skills to assist my team members in writing briefs, all while effectively communicating with the executive council and the agencies involved.

During high school, I achieved four consecutive state championships with my wrestling team, despite facing a major injury to my left elbow. Overcoming this setback tested my resilience and adaptability, equipping me with the determination to confront challenges head-on and the discipline to persevere regardless of the odds.

Presently, I work as a Cyber Security Engineer, delivering defensive capabilities to corporations in fast-paced environments and effectively conveying the importance of these measures to executives. It is my aspiration to contribute these skills to the Navy as an Intelligence Officer, ensuring the success of the mission.

This statement is all over the place and it’s not until the very end that the reader knows what the intent of.

Use chatgbt to help you out.

 

[OverMattress]

Greetings,

Below is my first Personal Statement draft for AMDO(1520). I will appreciate any feedback. Thank you.


Leaving Puerto Rico 11 years ago to join the NAVY for better opportunities was a daunting and uncertain experience, mainly because of my language barrier. However, facing challenges head-on and stepping out of my comfort zone is often the path to personal growth and development. Staying motivated and focused on my goals was essential during this transition. In my current role, I implement ideas that produce change and efficiency locally. However, the opportunity to become an AMDO would enable me to assume a pivotal position in developing, establishing, and implementing maintenance and material management policies that will benefit our aviation community.

I aim to finish my graduate studies in Aviation Maintenance while simultaneously becoming a source of inspiration and a role model for junior sailors. I aim to demonstrate that overcoming challenges and achieving success through dedicated effort, resilience, and discipline is always possible. In my professional capacity, I aspire to introduce and implement innovative ideas that enhance operational effectiveness, thereby making valuable contributions to the long-term success of our Navy.

I have consistently demonstrated the ability to adapt to challenging situations and thrive in high-pressure environments. I have been exposed to various operational scenarios at sea and ashore, where I have had to make critical decisions and solve complex problems. As an AMDO, I will bring these traits and my proven “at sea” leadership to ensure naval aircraft readiness and operational effectiveness. Becoming a Naval Officer is about personal growth and becoming a part of something greater than oneself. I am fully aware of the sacrifices and responsibilities of a commission, and I am prepared to meet them head-on. I am ready to dedicate myself fully to the Navy's mission and the welfare of the sailors entrusted to my care.

While completing my personal statement, I was encouraged to avoid using "I, me, my" as much as possible. One officer said that the first thing they did was count the number of "I, me, my" within the statement to gauge its quality.. even before reading it. Also, having too many can distract the reader. You started out really strong but finished with "I" starting the majority of sentences.

 

[taxi1]

One officer said that the first thing they did was count the number of "I, me, my" within the statement to gauge its quality

Seriously?

 

[OverMattress]

Seriously?

Absolutely. The record he recalled was 36 I's in one personal statement.

 

[taxi1]

Absolutely. The record he recalled was 36 I's in one personal statement.

How is a personal statement supposed to not use “I, me, my”?

Bad writing is bad writing, and I am sure that personal statement was a shitshow, but using the number of times I is used as a surrogate for actually reading the statement is dumb. The OP’s statement was well written, although not for somdone that just counts words, I guess. Know your audience.

I read and evaluate technical work all the time, and grimace when I see the hoops authors jump through to avoid using I when what they are talking about is something they did.

 

[FormerRecruitingGuru]

While completing my personal statement, I was encouraged to avoid using "I, me, my" as much as possible. One officer said that the first thing they did was count the number of "I, me, my" within the statement to gauge its quality.. even before reading it. Also, having too many can distract the reader. You started out really strong but finished with "I" starting the majority of sentences.

Perhaps other boards, but from my recent role working with community managers, they do not do any sort of “I, me, etc.” count.

 

[OverMattress]

Perhaps other boards, but from my recent role working with community managers, they do not do any sort of “I, me, etc.” count.

Agreed.

I would highly doubt his tactic is being implemented officially on any board. Just as a personal preference on the ones he screens before providing his recommendation.

When constructing my personal statement though, I felt like no more than 10% was realistic goal.

 

[taxi1]

I felt like no more than 10% was realistic goal.

10% of what?

 

[FormerRecruitingGuru]

Agreed.

I would highly doubt his tactic is being implemented officially on any board. Just as a personal preference on the ones he screens before providing his recommendation.

When constructing my personal statement though, I felt like no more than 10% was realistic goal.

You’re way over thinking how to write a personal + motivational statement.

Just like in the civilian sector, the boards want to see YOUR personal work and accomplishments, that’s going on involve using “I, me, etc.”. Sure, having some team accomplishments help out, but they want to see what you do and accomplish on a consistent basis.

 

[OverMattress]

10% of what?

10% of the statement. So out of the 200-250 words allotted.. I tried to use no more than 20-25 "I, me, my"s.

I admit, it's overkill and not necessary to consider when writing.

 

[taxi1]

10% of the statement. So out of the 200-250 words allotted.. I tried to use no more than 20-25 "I, me, my"s.

I admit, it's overkill and not necessary to consider when writing.

Well, that might not be a bad ratio to avoid. ?

 

[PHLot]

I would love to receive feedback from y’all regarding the motivational statement I sent to SWO. Based on input from my officer recruiter, and other motivational statements that’s passed, I put the following:


The Lord Jesus Christ once stated in the Gospel of John the following: "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13, KJV). The ultimate act of service and love for our fellow civilians is to willingly offer one's life for the safety and protection of others in an honorable and just manner. This Scripture, in conjunction with the Navy Ethos, "We defend our Nation and prevail in the face of adversity with strength, determination, and dignity," conceptualizes my calling to serve in the United States Navy and resonates profoundly within me in all that I do. Protecting our nation's waters is a sense of responsibility that is greater than an individual and crucial to our nation's security. To begin a strong work by serving in the Navy, one must endure and persevere in this line of work with integrity, respect, and with indisputable commitment. Service in the Navy profession is beyond simply a job; it is a lifelong responsibility and sacred calling to protect our beautiful, virtuous, great nation under God for all persons. The Navy Ethos, my faith, and my past leadership roles in the civilian sector have not only called me to this work to become a Surface Warfare Officer, but I am inspired to apply all of my skills, knowledge, and competencies to protect and serve our sailors with all of my heart, soul, mind, spirit, and strength for any task at hand, no matter the cost.

The United States Navy is a comradeship bound by the honor of a joint mission, with each sailor playing a critical role and must serve with integrity. As a public health professional with an undergraduate in Health Behavior Science and a graduate degree in Public Health Practice specializing in evaluating and managing projects and public health programming, I intend to utilize these skills to assist our sailors to the best of my capabilities. For the last six years, I have led multi-million-dollar grant projects as a project supervisor for nonprofit organizations, worked at the Department of Health in assisting, identifying, and preventing disease outbreaks as a part of a team, have led student organizations, and have served as a leader for Men's Ministry. Engaging in these leadership roles has been natural and innate. It has allowed me to find and develop opportunities to overcome challenges, take on additional responsibilities, and demonstrate servant leadership. However, regardless of the objective, whether military or civilian, it must be predicated on service, successful teamwork, loyalty, and strong communication. As a project supervisor, I have faced numerous close deadlines that, if not met, substantially impacted clients' lives and my employees' lives. In particular, coordinating communication and directives between upper management and my field-level staff founded on servant leadership has brought me immense joy, even in the most challenging, complex, and stressful situations, which is where I thrive most. Leadership in any capacity requires belief in the mission and unyielding indefatigability to achieve victory. These roles have prepared me for this opportunity to become a Naval Officer, which I wish to use to guide our sailors, as a living sacrifice to them, nobly and honorably and to ensure the victory of the United States Navy's mission and vision.

Surface Warfare Officers are extraordinarily critical, requiring perspicacious leaders with undeniable perseverance in the face of adversity. My primary objective in entering the Navy is to serve as a leader for the Sailors who risk their lives daily with no recourse that allows our communities to thrive. If I am provided with this opportunity, I will serve the United States Navy and our sailors with all my heart, soul, mind, body, and strength every day to protect all Sailors against all foreign and domestic threats.

I tried my hardest to not make it sound like a resume but I wish to apply what I’ve learned throughout my public health career for my role possibly in SWO. I’d love to hear y’all’s thoughts!

 

[FormerRecruitingGuru]

I would love to receive feedback from y’all regarding the motivational statement I sent to SWO. Based on input from my officer recruiter, and other motivational statements that’s passed, I put the following:


The Lord Jesus Christ once stated in the Gospel of John the following: "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13, KJV). The ultimate act of service and love for our fellow civilians is to willingly offer one's life for the safety and protection of others in an honorable and just manner. This Scripture, in conjunction with the Navy Ethos, "We defend our Nation and prevail in the face of adversity with strength, determination, and dignity," conceptualizes my calling to serve in the United States Navy and resonates profoundly within me in all that I do. Protecting our nation's waters is a sense of responsibility that is greater than an individual and crucial to our nation's security. To begin a strong work by serving in the Navy, one must endure and persevere in this line of work with integrity, respect, and with indisputable commitment. Service in the Navy profession is beyond simply a job; it is a lifelong responsibility and sacred calling to protect our beautiful, virtuous, great nation under God for all persons. The Navy Ethos, my faith, and my past leadership roles in the civilian sector have not only called me to this work to become a Surface Warfare Officer, but I am inspired to apply all of my skills, knowledge, and competencies to protect and serve our sailors with all of my heart, soul, mind, spirit, and strength for any task at hand, no matter the cost.

The United States Navy is a comradeship bound by the honor of a joint mission, with each sailor playing a critical role and must serve with integrity. As a public health professional with an undergraduate in Health Behavior Science and a graduate degree in Public Health Practice specializing in evaluating and managing projects and public health programming, I intend to utilize these skills to assist our sailors to the best of my capabilities. For the last six years, I have led multi-million-dollar grant projects as a project supervisor for nonprofit organizations, worked at the Department of Health in assisting, identifying, and preventing disease outbreaks as a part of a team, have led student organizations, and have served as a leader for Men's Ministry. Engaging in these leadership roles has been natural and innate. It has allowed me to find and develop opportunities to overcome challenges, take on additional responsibilities, and demonstrate servant leadership. However, regardless of the objective, whether military or civilian, it must be predicated on service, successful teamwork, loyalty, and strong communication. As a project supervisor, I have faced numerous close deadlines that, if not met, substantially impacted clients' lives and my employees' lives. In particular, coordinating communication and directives between upper management and my field-level staff founded on servant leadership has brought me immense joy, even in the most challenging, complex, and stressful situations, which is where I thrive most. Leadership in any capacity requires belief in the mission and unyielding indefatigability to achieve victory. These roles have prepared me for this opportunity to become a Naval Officer, which I wish to use to guide our sailors, as a living sacrifice to them, nobly and honorably and to ensure the victory of the United States Navy's mission and vision.

Surface Warfare Officers are extraordinarily critical, requiring perspicacious leaders with undeniable perseverance in the face of adversity. My primary objective in entering the Navy is to serve as a leader for the Sailors who risk their lives daily with no recourse that allows our communities to thrive. If I am provided with this opportunity, I will serve the United States Navy and our sailors with all my heart, soul, mind, body, and strength every day to protect all Sailors against all foreign and domestic threats.

I tried my hardest to not make it sound like a resume but I wish to apply what I’ve learned throughout my public health career for my role possibly in SWO. I’d love to hear y’all’s thoughts!

Remove all the religious language + connections and quotes and go directly into why you want to be a SWO.

Keep the statement agnostic please.

 

[PHLot]

Remove all the religious language + connections and quotes and go directly into why you want to be a SWO.

Keep the statement agnostic please.

I understand. I appreciate the feedback. Thank you!

 

[taxi1]

I would love to receive feedback from y’all regarding the motivational statement I sent to SWO. Based on input from my officer recruiter, and other motivational statements that’s passed, I put the following:


The Lord Jesus Christ once stated in the Gospel of John the following: "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13, KJV). The ultimate act of service and love for our fellow civilians is to willingly offer one's life for the safety and protection of others in an honorable and just manner. This Scripture, in conjunction with the Navy Ethos, "We defend our Nation and prevail in the face of adversity with strength, determination, and dignity," conceptualizes my calling to serve in the United States Navy and resonates profoundly within me in all that I do. Protecting our nation's waters is a sense of responsibility that is greater than an individual and crucial to our nation's security. To begin a strong work by serving in the Navy, one must endure and persevere in this line of work with integrity, respect, and with indisputable commitment. Service in the Navy profession is beyond simply a job; it is a lifelong responsibility and sacred calling to protect our beautiful, virtuous, great nation under God for all persons. The Navy Ethos, my faith, and my past leadership roles in the civilian sector have not only called me to this work to become a Surface Warfare Officer, but I am inspired to apply all of my skills, knowledge, and competencies to protect and serve our sailors with all of my heart, soul, mind, spirit, and strength for any task at hand, no matter the cost.

The United States Navy is a comradeship bound by the honor of a joint mission, with each sailor playing a critical role and must serve with integrity. As a public health professional with an undergraduate in Health Behavior Science and a graduate degree in Public Health Practice specializing in evaluating and managing projects and public health programming, I intend to utilize these skills to assist our sailors to the best of my capabilities. For the last six years, I have led multi-million-dollar grant projects as a project supervisor for nonprofit organizations, worked at the Department of Health in assisting, identifying, and preventing disease outbreaks as a part of a team, have led student organizations, and have served as a leader for Men's Ministry. Engaging in these leadership roles has been natural and innate. It has allowed me to find and develop opportunities to overcome challenges, take on additional responsibilities, and demonstrate servant leadership. However, regardless of the objective, whether military or civilian, it must be predicated on service, successful teamwork, loyalty, and strong communication. As a project supervisor, I have faced numerous close deadlines that, if not met, substantially impacted clients' lives and my employees' lives. In particular, coordinating communication and directives between upper management and my field-level staff founded on servant leadership has brought me immense joy, even in the most challenging, complex, and stressful situations, which is where I thrive most. Leadership in any capacity requires belief in the mission and unyielding indefatigability to achieve victory. These roles have prepared me for this opportunity to become a Naval Officer, which I wish to use to guide our sailors, as a living sacrifice to them, nobly and honorably and to ensure the victory of the United States Navy's mission and vision.

Surface Warfare Officers are extraordinarily critical, requiring perspicacious leaders with undeniable perseverance in the face of adversity. My primary objective in entering the Navy is to serve as a leader for the Sailors who risk their lives daily with no recourse that allows our communities to thrive. If I am provided with this opportunity, I will serve the United States Navy and our sailors with all my heart, soul, mind, body, and strength every day to protect all Sailors against all foreign and domestic threats.

I tried my hardest to not make it sound like a resume but I wish to apply what I’ve learned throughout my public health career for my role possibly in SWO. I’d love to hear y’all’s thoughts!

Twice as long as it needs to be. A famous quote attributed to many authors…

“If I had more time, I would have written a shorter letter.”