A good officer and a good husband?

[sodajones]

I spent six years enlisted in the Marine Corps and I'm finishing my bachelor degree this Spring. The Coast Guard is my first option but I realize that the USCG has about as many slots per year as I have fingers. I'm looking at the Navy as a second option. I'm still single but I'd like to have a family in the future. I know that I could not ethically choose to be a Marine officer and have a family. Some people make it work, most don't. I have simply come to the conclusion that being a good Marine and being a good father/husband are not achievable at the same time. I question whether the Navy, with its extensive deployments at sea, is family-compatible or not.

Husbands and wives please chime in.

 

[Treetop Flyer]

I know that I could not ethically choose to be a Marine officer and have a family. Some people make it work, most don't. I have simply come to the conclusion that being a good Marine and being a good father/husband are not achievable at the same time.

El Oh El. Let the troll thread commence!

 

[lowflier03]

Depends on your spouse, children, personal commitment, etc. Sometimes it also depends on deployment schedules and luck of the draw with squadrons. My first tour I was married with no kids. Went FDNF and was lucky if I was home for 9 months total out of that 3 years. Its probably closer to 6 months total. But the deployments were predictable, and I flew my wife to many of the ports. I also turned down many drinking opportunities in order to spend time at home. I know people who did not, and they are no longer married.

Its not 100% one way or the other, but a shitty deployment schedule coupled with a tendency to be a workaholic (As is common with most Type A's) requires a lot of conscious work or a relationship is DOA. I couldn't imagine doing that deployment cycle with my kids, but I know guys who did and they made it work.

Unfortunately we are likely to see deployments getting worse and not better.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Any service will mean you will spend time away in some sort or another, you should know this. I have known people in the USAF, USA, USMC, and USCG thanks to spending such a long time in the USN, and I know people have made it work and others that haven't, in the case of the USCG one guy had a wife that refused to go to AK so she stayed at the previous duty station, you never know what will happen until you are married, if you are this concerned now then maybe going back into the military is not a path you should take.

 

[East]

I spent 20 years active duty in various squadrons, married with children. Now that I am out and working for a Civil Aviation consultancy (lots of International travel included) my divorce was signed last month... In or out, it doesn't matter, it's the people involved that make it work (or not).

 

[PenguinGal]

In or out, it doesn't matter, it's the people involved that make it work (or not).

This a thousand times over.

 

[Fallonflyr]

Good relationships do just fine in the military...weak relationships, not so well. Same as any other profession.

 

[sodajones]

As always, thank you all for the advice and opinions.

 

[TheBubba]

Being a good officer and a good husband are not mutually exclusive.

Speaking from experience, I agree with the post that said it is entirely up to the people - reference my and a few others on here and our "practice wives, aka manatees". However, I will say that I am now very happily married to someone who is willing to work WITH me to make the best of whatever situation the Navy throws our way. That's the way it has to be.

The trick is not to plan you career choices on what you may want years down the road... Make those choices based on whats best for you now. Same with family choices.

You said you're single now... Now is the time for you to do what you want, not what you think is best for a family you don 't yet have.

 

[villanelle]

I think it all comes down to what you (and your spouse) define as being a good husband. For some people, that means being at the dinner table at 630, no matter what. For others, it means something far different. I image the same issues apply to the other factor--what do you define as being a god successful officer, and what sacrifices would you be willing to make for family?

I've never worked with Husband so I can't say whether he's a good officer, but his career is doing just fine, so I'll assume he is. He's a damn fine husband, but that has to do not only with him, but with my and what my expectations are of a spouse. I want a partner in adventure. I want someone who is cool with me saying, "Prague next weekend", and being excited about that, and someone who is also cool with me saying, "Vegas next weekend, and you aren't invited". If I wanted someone who made sure the lawn was always mowed and the trash always taken so I never had to do it with my delicate feminine hands, then he'd be a shitty husband because he's away from lawn and trash duties for months at a time.

Plenty of people happily make it work. That should really be the only data point you need to know that it absolutely can be successful. Whether or not it will be for you depends on way to many factors to even make an educated guess about your prospects, especially when you don't even have the Wife yet, so we aren't talking about a specific spouse or relationship.

TL;DR It can be done. Will you, specifically, be able to do it? Maybe.

 

[picklesuit]

If you are basing your future in the military on a possible, yet currently unnamed, dependapotamus, you're doing it wrong.
Pickle

 

[A7Dave]

I think your question is perfectly reasonable. Being a prior enlisted, and USMC to boot, you have a clear understanding of possible outcomes. I entered the Navy single and left single. In my book, I sacrificed a potential marriage as part of my service. Frankly, if you enter flight training single, you are likely to remain single. It is a lot tougher to meet someone while in flight training as well as during your JO years. Things may have changed drastically with all the online dating services these days, but I don't think the odds have changed much for those based in Lemoore.

If you want a slightly more stable life, and nicer bases, drink the corporate Kool-Aid join the USAF. If you want adventure and a culture closer to which you're familiar - Fly Navy.

While I want to disagree with what Picklesuit said above, he's basically right. If you're going to fly, you've already made a commitment to sacrifice a lot related to home-life. Therefore, you have only one real choice - go Navy.

 

[Renegade One]

Chiming in as a career officer, husband (still married to "my first wife"..), and father:

You can do it all. It's a perfect "trifecta" if you can make it work. It requires a lots of "eyes wide open"on the part of the spouse, obviously, but it is hugely doable.

 

[BusyBee604]

As attested to above, it is doable... but not guaranteed. I have two ex's, and enjoyed a fine Navy career. Batting .333 is outstanding in MLB; but in life, not so much. Obviously, I did/do not have the formulae. On the plus side, I am still very close to my three fine, successful middle-aged children, (and 9 Grands), so there is that!
BzB

 

[Fallonflyr]

I think your question is perfectly reasonable. Being a prior enlisted, and USMC to boot, you have a clear understanding of possible outcomes. I entered the Navy single and left single. In my book, I sacrificed a potential marriage as part of my service. Frankly, if you enter flight training single, you are likely to remain single. It is a lot tougher to meet someone while in flight training as well as during your JO years. Things may have changed drastically with all the online dating services these days, but I don't think the odds have changed much for those based in Lemoore.

If you want a slightly more stable life, and nicer bases, drink the corporate Kool-Aid join the USAF. If you want adventure and a culture closer to which you're familiar - Fly Navy.

While I want to disagree with what Picklesuit said above, he's basically right. If you're going to fly, you've already made a commitment to sacrifice a lot related to home-life. Therefore, you have only one real choice - go Navy.

I was very single when I went to P-Cola but did not have any problem meeting some one...any time we were not flying, we we out meeting "someones" Still married 30 years later to someone I meet at the Seville Quarter.