elassowipo
Registered User
Hijacked
Hello passengers, this is your captain speaking. I'd like to be the first to welcome you aboard for our non-stop flight from France to New York's LaGuardia Airport.
Our flight attendants will be out shortly to provide pre-boarding instructions. Just wanted to remind you to fasten your seatbelt and turn off all electronic devices, including laptops and cell phones.
Until then, relax, and thank you for flying with us.
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Hello passengers, this is your captain.
Wanted to discuss the concerns you likely have about the recent terrorist threats regarding their attempts to hijack another airplane. Just wanted to say that there's no need to worry about this flight: we have an armed air marshal aboard.
I'd like to take this time to welcome him, and thank him in advance for his time and service.
Hello passengers, we have just climbed to our cruising altitude of 36,000 feet. I expect we'll be landing in New York in about nine hours.
At this time, I'm turning off the fasten seatbelt sign, so please feel free to walk about the cabin and use the restroom as necessary.
We hope you have a pleasant flight.
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Well, passengers, looks like I spoke too soon about that seatbelt sign. The air marshal has requested that for our safety I keep it on. If you do need to get up to walk about the cabin or use the restroom, just let him know.
We're just now heading over the Atlantic Ocean, so we'll be starting the on-flight movies for you. This week we have S.W.A.T., starring Colin Farrell, and Uptown Girls, starring Brittany Murphy.
Just as soon as whoever took the air marshal's copy of Golf Illustrated returns it to him, he'll give us permission to start those movies.
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I just spoke with our onboard air marshal, who tells me that during a sweep of the cabin he was unable to find any terrorists.
For risking his life for us in this manner, he's requesting that we spontaneously begin singing "for he's a jolly good fellow." So, I guess without further delay, a one, and a two...
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Passengers, this is your captain. The air marshal wants to know why you would insult him. Otherwise, he asks, why would you think a dollar could get you into the bathroom? The rate is currently $20 a person, and the marshal wants to remind you that there is no discount for children.
Additionally, he reminds you, real men don't pee their pants.
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Passengers, the air marshal tells me he once shot a terrorist in the foot.
For anyone interested, he's willing to tell the story of how it happened for $10 for the first five minutes, and only a dollar for each additional minute after that.
Regardless, he's asking that we take a moment to salute this accomplishment by singing to him. So, without further delay, a one, and a two....
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Sorry to bother you again, passengers, but the air marshal has reminded us that this flight is technically governed by his laws, as we are flying over the ocean and not under the jurisdiction of any country
I'm pretty sure he's wrong, but seeing that he does have a gun, I am not at liberty to argue, so we are asked to follow these orders:
* Drinking alcoholic beverages is prohibited
* Except by the air marshal.
* Just don't watch the air marshal drink.
* Don't watch him give alcohol to his gun.
* Act normal in his presence.
* Don't make direct eye contact with him.
* Don't make direct eye contact with his gun.
* Please don't make any sudden movements, or shift in your seat.
* But please don't sit too calmly.
* But don't stand up, either.
* But don't crouch.
* Ask him anything you want, except why he wasn't accepted into the Marines.
* Any female on board that reminds him of his mother will receive a special discount on use of the bathroom.
* All items stowed in the seat in front of you now belong to him.
* The Marines suck ass.
* And finally, every five minutes we are to sing "for he's a jolly good fellow." A one, and a two...
Thank you, passengers. Fortunately, we're almost to New York.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Passengers, the air marshal would like to personally thank each and every one of you for letting him wave his gun around indiscriminately at you as he told the story of his last divorce.
For those that offered Kleenex, he truly appreciates that.
To the gentleman that hugged him, he does apologize for shooting you in the kneecap.
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Well passengers, looks we'll be making our descent into New York's LaGuardia Airport in just a few minutes. Just like to thank you for flying with us today.
It was an interesting flight, to say the least. But the air marshal wishes to remind you all that we made it here alive, and that's all that matters.
And for that, he, oh god no, he wants us to sing to him.
One last time, a one, and a two...
Hello passengers, this is your captain speaking. I'd like to be the first to welcome you aboard for our non-stop flight from France to New York's LaGuardia Airport.
Our flight attendants will be out shortly to provide pre-boarding instructions. Just wanted to remind you to fasten your seatbelt and turn off all electronic devices, including laptops and cell phones.
Until then, relax, and thank you for flying with us.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello passengers, this is your captain.
Wanted to discuss the concerns you likely have about the recent terrorist threats regarding their attempts to hijack another airplane. Just wanted to say that there's no need to worry about this flight: we have an armed air marshal aboard.
I'd like to take this time to welcome him, and thank him in advance for his time and service.
Hello passengers, we have just climbed to our cruising altitude of 36,000 feet. I expect we'll be landing in New York in about nine hours.
At this time, I'm turning off the fasten seatbelt sign, so please feel free to walk about the cabin and use the restroom as necessary.
We hope you have a pleasant flight.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, passengers, looks like I spoke too soon about that seatbelt sign. The air marshal has requested that for our safety I keep it on. If you do need to get up to walk about the cabin or use the restroom, just let him know.
We're just now heading over the Atlantic Ocean, so we'll be starting the on-flight movies for you. This week we have S.W.A.T., starring Colin Farrell, and Uptown Girls, starring Brittany Murphy.
Just as soon as whoever took the air marshal's copy of Golf Illustrated returns it to him, he'll give us permission to start those movies.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just spoke with our onboard air marshal, who tells me that during a sweep of the cabin he was unable to find any terrorists.
For risking his life for us in this manner, he's requesting that we spontaneously begin singing "for he's a jolly good fellow." So, I guess without further delay, a one, and a two...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Passengers, this is your captain. The air marshal wants to know why you would insult him. Otherwise, he asks, why would you think a dollar could get you into the bathroom? The rate is currently $20 a person, and the marshal wants to remind you that there is no discount for children.
Additionally, he reminds you, real men don't pee their pants.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Passengers, the air marshal tells me he once shot a terrorist in the foot.
For anyone interested, he's willing to tell the story of how it happened for $10 for the first five minutes, and only a dollar for each additional minute after that.
Regardless, he's asking that we take a moment to salute this accomplishment by singing to him. So, without further delay, a one, and a two....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry to bother you again, passengers, but the air marshal has reminded us that this flight is technically governed by his laws, as we are flying over the ocean and not under the jurisdiction of any country
I'm pretty sure he's wrong, but seeing that he does have a gun, I am not at liberty to argue, so we are asked to follow these orders:
* Drinking alcoholic beverages is prohibited
* Except by the air marshal.
* Just don't watch the air marshal drink.
* Don't watch him give alcohol to his gun.
* Act normal in his presence.
* Don't make direct eye contact with him.
* Don't make direct eye contact with his gun.
* Please don't make any sudden movements, or shift in your seat.
* But please don't sit too calmly.
* But don't stand up, either.
* But don't crouch.
* Ask him anything you want, except why he wasn't accepted into the Marines.
* Any female on board that reminds him of his mother will receive a special discount on use of the bathroom.
* All items stowed in the seat in front of you now belong to him.
* The Marines suck ass.
* And finally, every five minutes we are to sing "for he's a jolly good fellow." A one, and a two...
Thank you, passengers. Fortunately, we're almost to New York.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Passengers, the air marshal would like to personally thank each and every one of you for letting him wave his gun around indiscriminately at you as he told the story of his last divorce.
For those that offered Kleenex, he truly appreciates that.
To the gentleman that hugged him, he does apologize for shooting you in the kneecap.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well passengers, looks we'll be making our descent into New York's LaGuardia Airport in just a few minutes. Just like to thank you for flying with us today.
It was an interesting flight, to say the least. But the air marshal wishes to remind you all that we made it here alive, and that's all that matters.
And for that, he, oh god no, he wants us to sing to him.
One last time, a one, and a two...
