To marry or not to marry...

[chasejj]

Hello all,
I wasnt sure if this was the correct forum for this question, but since it is about marriage, and you are all (I am assuming) spouses, I hope to get some good info! I am hopefully going to OCS sometime this summer or fall, my package is going to the May boards, and I was wondering if my boyfriend and I should get married (we wont unless I get selected!). We have been together for 4 years (and dont forsee seperating) and both have no real interest in marriage, but we were wondering if it would be a good idea to do so. What I am looking for are the pros, i.e. insurance for him, extra pay, ect. versus the cons. (if there are any) of marriage. If this should be moved to a different forum, let me know!
Thanks for all the advice!
-chasejj (OCS here I come!)

Extra info- while I'm (hopefully) in the Navy, he is planning on going back to school and becoming and Engineer.
Extra Extra info- He is an Army brat and understands, as well as I do, the seperation, commitment, having to go to meetings I dont want to, ect. We are VERY good at compromising.
Extra x3 info- LOVED the "He-man woman haters"forum, but there wasnt much to do with WOMEN going into the Navy...

Thanks again!
-chasejj
>que remarks about "marriage sucks"and all that...3..2..1<

 

[nittany03]

 

[insanebikerboy]

and both have no real interest in marriage, but we were wondering if it would be a good idea to do so.

You just answered your own question, which if you still haven't figured it out.....it's no.

 

[TrickyFish]

I graduated OCS on Dec 19, got engaged Jan 9, and am getting married May 6, just for some context. He and I also weren't fans of marriage a few years ago, but our decision to do it was definitely not based just on the desire for benefits. Also, we agreed before OCS that we would not even get engaged until after OCS, and there were some very rough weeks in between those two events. I would personally recommend waiting. A few months of benefits is not going to be worth the risk that you realize the separation isn't going to work. Not to mention that OCS will likely change you and how you view your relationship. It's hard to be someone's girlfriend when you don't remember how to be a girl. Use OCS as a test period. If you both survive, then go for it.

 

[Annalisa]

...both have no real interest in marriage...

This should be your answer right there. If you're feeling neutral at best about making [what, ideally, ought to be] a lifetime commitment to one another, why do it?

A marriage of convenience now could lead to a serious inconvenience later if either of you decide that your lack of real interest in marriage was for good reason. Insurance and extra BAH would be cold comfort if you rushed into marriage to beat an arbitrary deadline (like the start of your Navy career) and later regretted your haste. If it's meant to be, your boyfriend will still be there if and when your relationship progresses naturally to the point that you both feel a very definite, incontrovertible, can't-imagine-life-going-any-other-way excitement about the prospect of being husband and wife.

Either way, good luck to you in your career aspirations, but don't let the Navy rush you in matters of the heart. The Navy's going to have quite enough control over other areas of your life--save this one for your own thoroughly reasoned decision.

 

[chasejj]

Good advice from all! We shall continue to discuss things but I didnt think of OCS as being a "test"for a relationship... I like that POV. Thanks again for putting different views out there!

 

[jfulginiti]

You just answered your own question, which if you still haven't figured it out.....it's no.

ABSOLUTELY CONCUR!! Seriously, why the F$%^ are you even considering getting married if NEITHER of you have any interest in it?! However, if you're interested in divorce, then go ahead and get married now.

My advice.... stay together and do all the things you've been talking about... EXCEPT GETTING MARRIED! After a few years of life in the Navy, your outlook on things will change one way or the other. You may decide you don't want to drag him around everywhere you go AND/OR he may decide he's tired of following you around and having to find a new job every 2-3 years. As far as benefits for him..... if he's going to get an engineering degree, I'm assuming he'll be able to get good job that pays more than you'll be making, which will include medical benefits, vacation, etc etc.

 

[jfulginiti]

Good advice from all! We shall continue to discuss things but I didnt think of OCS as being a "test"for a relationship... I like that POV. Thanks again for putting different views out there!

By the way, OCS is not a good "test". A few weeks at OCS doesn't even come close to life in the real Navy.

 

[smittyrunr]

I'll second the comment about not letting the Navy make personal decisions for you. If you are accepted, the Navy will exert its influence over your life in many ways, but only as far as you let it.
For pros and cons: Benfits during OCS (pay, etc) I don't think are worth rushing getting married for. You can look up the BAH charts on line and find the difference between O-1 and O-1 with dependents. If he is going to be going to school while you are in flight school, that will help you cover both homes, assuming his schooling will not allow him to follow you around through flight school.
I think the time to have this discussion again is once you get to the fleet and are looking at your first deployment- if you are not married, you just have to make sure your command knows that you want your boyfriend to be informed of things like homecoming dates and times, and if you were to get sick/injured/killed. Otherwise they will only provide info to official next of kin. (this would apply to OCS, flight school, whatever as well)
And then everyone can tell you to wait until after your first deployment to get married. That will be a true test.

 

[Ken_gone_flying]

I'm getting married on Saturday. Christy and I had been together for 2 years before we got engaged. OCS was the first time we had been apart for any length of time. That was a pretty good test. Then we saw eachother for a week and we were separated for another 2 months while I completed API. She passed the test.

 

[helo_wifey]

The real test is in the fleet...2 months isn't anything compared to 6 months (or potentially more) with detachments/long nights/work-ups/etc.

 

[chasejj]

Hmmm... Perhaps I should have explained... We both love eachother very much and plan to stay together for life but we are more Scandinavian in out views on marriage, just a slip of paper which says we are married. So the only reason we WOULD get married (and at a court house at that, no need for a ceremony...) is for insurance, house buying, ect. benefits. But I can see the benefits of atleast waiting until being out of OCS incase, god forbid, we dont workout together. Neither one of us would want the hassle and bad vibes of a divorce! I am going to definitly take into account what you all have said, Im glad I posted on here, I get excited about things and can tend to over look that bad that can happen... Thank you all very much!

 

[FMRAM]

Hmmm... Perhaps I should have explained... We both love eachother very much and plan to stay together for life but we are more Scandinavian in out views on marriage, just a slip of paper which says we are married. So the only reason we WOULD get married (and at a court house at that, no need for a ceremony...) is for insurance, house buying, ect. benefits. But I can see the benefits of atleast waiting until being out of OCS incase, god forbid, we dont workout together. Neither one of us would want the hassle and bad vibes of a divorce! I am going to definitly take into account what you all have said, Im glad I posted on here, I get excited about things and can tend to over look that bad that can happen... Thank you all very much!

If you had been privy to some of the soul-crushing and financially devastating divorces that the other gentlemen on this forum have seen/been through, then you would not be asking these questions right now. Listen to what the members, with wings under their username's, are saying. Don't be a fool.

 

[chasejj]

I have read some of the scary stories of divorces and I'm trying not to be a fool. Thats why I am getting more opinions to base my decisions on... and I am beginning to lean to "not married." Atleast for quite a while.

 

[e6bflyer]

Not to pile on, but I tend to agree with what most everyone has said here. The financial benefits of being married in the military do not outweigh the risk that is getting married prematurely. You are getting a few extra bucks a month for housing, he gets health insurance, and you get a little break on your taxes. This is not worth the pain and headache that can occur during a divorce.
I have never been through a divorce, but I have seen my parents and several of my friends go through some doozies. The most well-intentioned, sane, level-headed people become absolute blood sucking, money grubbing, irrational bitches/bastards during a divorce.
My two cents: Carry on as if you are married and then tie the knot once you are absolutely certain things are going to work out. I did this for 2 years before I married my wife and despite what the church has to say about it, I think it was the among the smartest things we have ever done (besides waiting 5 yrs after marriage to have kids).