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Personal Statement

I am struggling with the personal statement. I know its supposed to be my own but I just want to see some others. Can anyone help? It is the hardest part of the package in my opinion. Thanks
 

etnuclearsailor

STA 21 Nuclear OC
This is a copy of the personal statement I used on the FY05 application (I was accepted)


Dear Sir/Madam,



My name is MY NAME. I am an Electronics Technician Third Class in the United States Navy, and I’m writing with the hopes of achieving my aspiration and taking that first step to becoming a Naval officer. I joined the Navy with that sole intention. The Seaman to Admiral 21 program is specifically what I have worked towards since the first day I processed for enlistment- my chance to be a nuclear submarine commanding officer.


The submarine community is one which many of the most heroic sailors of wars past have called home; from the daring raids of Commander Fluckey in World War II to the SSBN patrols of today, submarine sailors are amongst the bravest in the fleet. I seek to lead a team of the most intelligent and qualified sailors in the Navy- the Nuclear Navy. Serving aboard submarines is difficult and demanding, but I am willing to do the work and become a leader in the fleet. My drive in any line of work has always been to excel and advance, and the Navy can benefit from having a person of such ethic in her Officer Corps.

Had I known more about the honor and importance of the Navy, I would have sought it out from the beginning. Not knowing what I had wanted to do, I enrolled into a university with a major that was chosen simply because it might interest me. Without any drive towards a goal, I soon found myself enjoying work as a concert and event sound engineer. This led to my leaving school to pursue a career in audio.

My short-lived career in concert audio taught me much about leadership and my own ability to learn new skills very quickly. I started work as an audio engineer at Drexel University, and within a year I was earning the highest salary students were allowed and was in charge of every crew I worked with. I found work with a private company, and within six months I was in charge of crews which included industry veterans. After two years I found this work was still unfulfilling. I thought of the Navy. With a new war being waged, I wanted to do my part, and I decided there was no better way than to get back into college, earn a degree, and become a naval officer. I researched the military frequently, from rank structure to operations, and in my research I learned of this program and the nuclear field. I decided that this was the best path to my goal of becoming a nuclear submarine commanding officer.

Joining the Navy has done nothing but increase my desire to lead. I took over the responsibilities as Recruit Leading Petty Officer my recruit division, and I am a section leader in my Nuclear Power School class. I have experienced many of the rewards and hardships of leading sailors. I want to continue in my career as a leader of sailors.

I am very excited the time has finally come to show my worth. Sir/Madam, I respectfully request admission into the Seaman to Admiral 21 program. I will not disappoint you. Thank you for your time.




Very respectfully,






MY NAME, ET³ , USN
 

nublett

Been there, done that.
It is easy to see why/how Etnuc was accepted, almost poetic! Mine sucked compared to that. They took me anyway.
 

etnuclearsailor

STA 21 Nuclear OC
I had some help putting it together- I posted my first draft, and subsequent drafts, on a military message board and let the other members tear it apart for me. I suggest getting as many eyes on your essay as possible- your future may ride on it.
 

boobcheese

Registered User
Here's what worked for me.

Through the Navy I have gained considerable insight into leadership and its different styles. I have discovered useful tools for motivation and management and learned as much from those whose methods I disagree with as from those whom I respect as outstanding leaders. I have had the opportunity see what works and what doesn’t work and I appreciate that I have much to learn about both.
Despite my initial trepidations, I have excelled throughout the challenging nuclear training pipeline. While I do appreciate many of the aspects of my current position as a nuclear propulsion plant operator, I feel that I am not living up to my full potential. I would like the opportunity to grow beyond the engine room and use my instincts and technical expertise on a tactical level. It is my ardent belief that I have the capacities physically, mentally, intellectually and emotionally not only to be an effective leader but an exceptional Naval Officer.
I am confident that I am capable of achieving any task that I set for myself and feel that it would be a waste of my abilities to have less than lofty ambitions. To this end, I have set for myself the following personal and professional goals; complete my college degree, obtain a commission, and become a Naval Flight Officer. I find the idea of being in a situation where my every action and reaction have a definite and immediate result on the mission outcome very compelling. Thus it is my ultimate desire to become a Radar Intercept Officer (RIO) onboard the F/A-18. The “Super Hornet” with its increased range and expanded payload is sure to be an integral part of naval air power for decades to come. It is aboard this exceptional platform that I would like the opportunity to distinguish myself.
I see the Seaman to Admiral program as the ideal means to meet my objectives. Not only will it enable me to focus my efforts towards my education in a genuine college setting but at the same time I believe the structured nature of the NROTC program will foster my growth as a disciplined leader. However, I will not be dissuaded if I fail to get picked up this year. I have set my heart and mind to achieving my goals and am determined to see them through. If necessary I will complete my college degree on my own time and pursue other avenues towards my commission but ultimately I will find my seat in the cockpit.




____________________01JUN02
 

TexRex

Registered User
I know its supposed to be my own but I just want to see some others. Can anyone help? It is the hardest part of the package in my opinion. Thanks.......
_________________________________________________________________

Don't get crazy. Be yourself. Write down why you want to be an officer and what you have gained in your enlisted career that will contribute to the officer community. Bull **** doesn't fly as far as you think!!!

Good Luck!
 

fc2spyguy

loving my warm and comfy 214 blanket
pilot
Contributor
Tex,

Post what you have and we can take a look at it. However, I don't have my original statement anymore, my application got lost in one of the previous three moves since I was accepted, so I can't put it up here.
 

skizkit

Registered User
I actually took somewhat of a different route on my statement, which, for better or worse, who knows. I explained my past experiences that have given me the skills I feel the Navy could expand upon. I didnt really go into a "poetic" and verbose motivational essay about WHY I want to be in because I felt anyone could write about why, I wrote here's what i've done in an effort to get there and i feel through these experiences I can handle and learn the Navy way. I read that its not really supposed to be a resume, but I sorta took the Show and Tell route. I didn't want to bore the board with written passion rather, it would be evident in what I show them I have done in hopes to be selected as an officer candidate.

If you guys feel the other approaches are more efficient, let me know... my recruiter found it sufficient but, non-select after first submittal... mainly due to ASTB scores.
 

metro

The future of the Supply Corps
Here was mine:

I am seeking a commission for several reasons, but my primary aim is to give something back to a nation that has allowed me to live free and safe for twenty-two years, and to do my part to help protect it from all threats, both internal and external. Pursuant to this goal, I wish to be in a position of optimal effectiveness in the context of service to my country, and I feel my skills and capabilities are best suited to the tasks assigned to a United States Naval Officer. My sense of duty and obligation to defend those who are unable to fight for themselves has led me to this conclusion and this undertaking. I am a very motivated and focused individual who thrives under pressure and is willing and able to accept responsibility for difficult jobs and for the performance of my peers, and I believe these traits will be vital to success, and allow me to excel in the vocation of an Officer. I also seek a career that is secure, important, honest, honorable, satisfying, and makes a distinct difference in the world. I also long to work in an environment that is truly non-discriminatory, where opportunities are earned, not given, and hard work is rewarded and valued; a place where excellence is expected, appreciated, and encouraged. I feel a career as a Naval Officer will provide that and much more. I also wish to become an Officer in order to be an example to others in similar situations and of like mind and potential, to show them that they can do something exceptional with their lives if they have the proper motivation and determination. Finally, though of no less significance, I desire an opportunity to improve myself beyond the limits I am currently required to operate within, and do something with my life that I can be proud of in the future. I strongly believe that earning a commission will present this opportunity, and will help me to become the person I want to be.
 
My Personal Statement back in 2002.

My reasons for applying for a commission are many. We live in the greatest country on earth and I want to be a part of this country’s growth and protection more than anything. I have always had a love for the military even before I joined. Just the thrill of watching military aircraft fly has always fascinated me. The day I started working on military aircraft gave me a great purpose and has made me feel as though I belong in the service. Now I long for more. I feel the need to finally live out my childhood wonders and be even more a part of this country’s backbone. I wish to become a commissioned officer in the United States Navy.

As an officer in the Navy I feel as though I can reach more people and touch there lives to train and guide the sailors appointed under my command. I wish to be much a part of the United States military and to serve at the absolute best of my abilities. I desire the next step on my goals in life. I want affect peoples' lives positively and with great dedication to my homeland.

As a commissioned officer I feel as though I can be of greater use to my country and our military. I am very dedicated and persistent to ensure everything is done the right way. Training is one of the keys to success and I enjoy teaching those appointed under me. I fully believe in taking care of your people, in which many of today's Navy do not feel they are being taken care of. As an officer I could better reach these great service members who might otherwise leave the Navy and downgrade the military I love so much to all those they come into contact with. I feel as though my abilities make me the best person for this job.



_______________AE2(AW), USN
 

FMRAM

Combating TIP training AGAIN?!
Personal statements are like fitreps or evals...they are all plagiarized in one way or another. Find a winner, add your own info and cross your fingers. Don't forget to put your most current info on there and update it for each application. I have noticed in other personal statements (that were selected) a certain level of enthusiasm carries weight with the board. Worked for me.
 
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