NROTC for 2013 - Essay Advice

[Wings]

Let me start out by saying that I am glad I finally made an account here, I have been lurking for too long. Now that the application is open for NROTC for the 2013 year I finally made an account!
Here is the essay for the NROTC App, it already got looked over by my English teacher for grammatical errors. Now I hope to get some advice on content. Thanks for your help!

The United States Navy has a reputation and history of producing the Nation's greatest military and political leaders. I am striving to become a Naval Officer for the most experienced and honorable naval force in the world. The lessons that I will learn will allow me to become a successful officer and stay with me through service and beyond.

I want to be the leader of the finest young men and women in the country and be apart of a brotherhood that stems back generations. The Navy and the enlisted personnel depend upon high-quality leaders who will carry out their duty with pride and discipline. I have learned to appreciate and understand the tradition and leadership of the Navy through the Naval Sea Cadet Corps. I have met officers who have displayed pride, loyalty, and dedication to the United States Navy and I am determined to join their ranks.

As an officer, I will protect and assist my country and shipmates. Naval Officers put their duty above all else and make quick decisions that can put sailor's lives on the line. They must act confidently and be ready to give their own lives for their country and the men and women they are leading. There is good reason as to why Naval Officers have such high standards. The sacrifice they make is extraordinary and not to be taken lightly. It is my dream to call myself a United States Naval Officer.

Coming from a Military Academy I am no stranger to discipline or teamwork, we depend on each other to accomplish a task and carry out the mission at hand. Through my school I have gained valuable experience that would only benefit the United States Navy and the men who would be under my leadership. I am a seeker of challenges. I choose to take the more difficult route and learn from my successes and failures. If an officer cannot learn from his failures then he has no place in that position. I am constantly pushing myself to rise above the competition and take the “road less traveled.”

Choosing to become an Naval Officer is not a decision you make lightly, it requires commitment and motivation. The more I look into becoming an officer, the stronger my desire becomes. No matter what job I am assigned or what task I am asked to carry out, I will do so with the utmost sense of pride. I will work for my country, my service, and the men and women I am assigned to lead. I will never quit. I will never falter. I will become a Naval Officer.

 

[Renegade One]

Well, your English teacher gets a "FAIL":
1. Para.1: Opening sentence is gramatically correct...but questionable in its content. Don't whip too much hyperbole on the reader...
2. Second sentence is redundant...just make it "an officer in...".
3. Para. 2: You probably want to be "a leader"...not "the leader". It's a big organization...
4. You don't want to be "apart"...you want to be "a part"...
5. "...stems back generations" seems clumsy...maybe "...that is as old as our nation itself."?
6. Like it or not, "brotherhood" is probably no longer the best noun to use here...too many sisters in "the 'hood".
7. Para. 3: You want to say "...sailors' lives..." instead of "...sailor's lives..." One is plural, the other is singular.
8. I may be nitpicking here, but I'd replace: There is good reason as to why Naval Officers have such high standards. With: There are good reasons why Naval Officers are held to such high standards. Something like that. (To be continued...)

 

[Wings]

Fixed. Thanks for the response.

The United States Navy has a reputation of producing some of the best leaders our country has to offer. I am striving to become a officer for the one of the most experienced and honorable naval forces in the world. The lessons that I will learn will allow me to become a successful officer and stay with me through service and beyond.

I want to be a leader of the finest young men and women in the country and be a part of a community that is as old as our nation itself. The Navy and the enlisted personnel depend upon high-quality leaders who will carry out their duty efficiently and with attention to detail. I have learned to appreciate and understand the tradition and leadership of the Navy through the Naval Sea Cadet Corps. I have met officers who have displayed honor, loyalty, and dedication to the United States Navy, their responsibilities, and their country. I know that one day I will have the privilege to stand among them.

As an officer, I will protect and assist my country and shipmates. Naval Officers put their duty above all else and make quick decisions that can put sailors' lives on the line. They must act confidently and be ready to give their own lives for their country and the men and women they are leading. There are good reasons why Naval Officers are held to such high standards. The sacrifice they make is extraordinary and not to be taken lightly. It is my dream to call myself a United States Naval Officer.

Coming from a Military Academy I am no stranger to discipline or teamwork, we depend on each other to accomplish a task and carry out the mission at hand. Through my school I have gained valuable experience that would only benefit the United States Navy and the men who would be under my leadership. I am a seeker of challenges. I choose to take the more difficult route and learn from my successes and failures. If an officer cannot learn from his failures then he has no place to be in that position. I am constantly pushing myself to rise above the competition and take the “road less traveled.”

Choosing to become an Naval Officer is not a decision you take lightly, it requires commitment and motivation. The more I look into becoming an officer, the stronger my desire becomes. No matter what job I am assigned or what task I am asked to carry out, I will do so with the utmost sense of pride. I will work for my country, my service, and the men and women I am assigned to lead. I will never quit. I will never falter. I will become a Naval Officer.

 

[Renegade One]

9. Para. 4: Stick a comma after your opening phrase, and stick a period after "teamwork". Start the next sentence with "In that environment, we learned...".
10. I think you mean to say your experience would perhaps "greatly benefit" vice "only benefit". Hope your education wasn't quite that narrowly-focused...
11.. Learn to say "men and women" instead of "men", and "his or her" instead of "his". This isn't your grandfather's Navy.
12. Last paragraph just sounds clumsy as you shift to a "second person" kind of narrative with the use of the "you" pronoun. I'd replace "...not a decision you take lightly" with "...not a decision to be taken lightly", or even "...not a decision that I take lightly."
13. In any event, stick a period after "lightly" and start a new sentence. with "Such a decision requires..".
Aside from all the comments, pretty nice. Good luck!

 

[Renegade One]

Someday I hope "Teach" gets beyond just running "Spell Check" and actually gives the students a critical read for grammar, syntax, run-on sentences and... well...you get the idea.

 

[Wings]

Aside from all the comments, pretty nice. Good luck!

Done! Thanks a lot for providing feedback.

The United States Navy has a reputation of producing some of the best leaders our country has to offer, I am striving to become a officer for the one of the most experienced and honorable naval forces in the world. The lessons that I will learn will allow me to become a successful officer and stay with me through service and beyond.

I want to be a leader of the finest young men and women in the country and be a part of a community that is as old as our nation itself. The Navy and the enlisted personnel depend upon high-quality leaders who will carry out their duty with pride and discipline. I have learned to appreciate and understand the tradition and leadership of the Navy through the Naval Sea Cadet Corps. I have met officers who have displayed pride, loyalty, and dedication to the United States Navy, their responsibilities, and their country. I know that one day I will have the privilege to stand among them.

As an officer, I will protect and assist my country and shipmates. Naval Officers put their duty above all else and make quick decisions that can put sailors' lives on the line. They must act confidently and be ready to give their own lives for their country and the men and women they are leading. There are good reasons why Naval Officers are held to such high standards. The sacrifice they make is extraordinary and not to be taken lightly. It is my dream to call myself a United States Naval Officer.

Coming from a Military Academy I am no stranger to discipline or teamwork. In that environment we learned to depend on each other to accomplish a task and carry out the mission at hand. Through my school I have gained valuable experience that would greatly benefit the United States Navy and the men and woman who would be under my leadership. I am a seeker of challenges. I choose to take the more difficult route and learn from my successes and failures. If an officer cannot learn from his or her failures then they have no place in that position. I am constantly pushing myself to rise above the competition and take the “road less traveled.”

Choosing to become an Naval Officer is not a decision that I take lightly. Such a decision requires commitment and motivation. The more I look into becoming an officer, the stronger my desire becomes. No matter what job I am assigned or what task I am asked to carry out, I will do so with the utmost sense of pride. I will work for my country, my service, and the men and women I am assigned to lead. I will never quit. I will never falter. I will become a Naval Officer.