Naval Academy Essay

[Derrick Henry]

Hello guys Im a current candidate for the USNA class of 2016. Can you all provide me with a little feedback for improvement? Thanks



(1) Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and
(2) Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.
BOOM!!! The beautiful sound of the Blue Angel F/A-18 Hornet breaking the sound barrier was the signaling moment when I decided that I wanted and would be a fighter pilot for the U.S. Navy. I've wanted to fly advanced jets ever since I was able to read about them. I know I can be a great pilot and an exceptional leader when it comes to military service and that's exactly the type of career I know I would excel in. To be a qualified pilot in the Armed Forces I understand you must have a four year post-secondary degree, and I know the United States Naval Academy can provide me with the best education available. Pilot's have to be the best for they're going to be protecting their assigned carrier, and not to mention landing on it. So I've been enrolled in my schools aviation program to start my training early. I've amassed 12 hours total flight time and expect to solo and receive my Private Pilot's License as well, before I graduate. The academy's academics engineering program is rated #5 in the country so achieving my Aeronautical Engineer degree from here would be a great feat for a prospective pilot. I've rigorously prepared myself for this through taking AP English 3, AP Chemistry, Dual Credit U.S. History, and Dual Credit B.I.M . To keep my skills sharp I plan on taking all AP core classes and Calculus as well Trigonometry to prepare myself for the rigors of being a Navy Pilot. My entire life has been devoted to becoming a fighter pilot, and as my uncle told me one day, either you have what it takes, or you don't. I definitely have what it takes and would be a great asset to the U.S. Navy.
My character was clearly defined last my past years in theater. The HISD One Act Play Area contest,which lies on the doorstep of the Regional competition is one of the toughest in Texas. Our ensemble had performed well but made a major miscalculation and left our audio CD in the sound booth. Both president and Vice President of our club decided to keep it under wraps, for if we won they would receive a full ride scholarship to the school of their choice. My character and integrity were tested strenuously at this moment, for despite sacrificing the aspiring dreams of my friends and instantly disqualifying my school from the contest. I knew it was just simply wrong. I think back on that now and realize that it takes courage under fire to do the right thing, sacrifice yourself and others if necessary to protect something greater than yourself. This is the effective quality of leadership, one I have proven well beyond my bounds. Whch is exactly why I would be the perfect pilot in the U.S. NAVY.

 

[villanelle]

Not in the Navy, but correcting for grammar, punctuation, ussage, and general writing skills.

BOOM!!! The beautiful sound of the Blue Angel F/A-18 Hornet breaking the sound barrier was the signaling moment [signaling moment doesn't make much sense. you don't need an adjective. Just "moment" is fine, but if you must have something, I think what you are going for is "defining moment".] when I decided that I wanted and would be a fighter pilot for the U.S. Navy. I've wanted to fly advanced jets ever since I was able to read about them. I know I can be a great pilot and an exceptional leader when it comes to military service and that's [Contractions are casual. Use "that is".] exactly the type of career I know I would excel in [
in which I know I would excel}. To be a qualified pilot in the Armed Forces[,] I understand you must have a four year post-secondary degree, and I know the United States Naval Academy can provide me with the best education available. Pilot's [an apostrophe shows ownership, and does not indicate plural] have to be the best[,] [
be the best" is weirdly vague and thus adds nothing or than vague ass-kissiness. The best what? ] for they're [they are] going to be protecting their assigned carrier, and [the "and" is redundant. Delete it] not to mention landing on it. So I've [another contraction, and it is also fairly informal to start a sentence with "so", so I'd ditch that. If you want something to transition, tey an "as such" or something similar] been enrolled in my schools [here is where you need the apostrophe, because the program belongs to the school--school's] aviation program to start my training early. I've amassed 12 hours total flight time and expect to solo and receive my Private Pilot's License as well, before I graduate.["...license before I graduate as well." Also, I don't think license should be capitalized, and I'm not sure Private or Pilot should be either. Is this a proper noun?] The academy's academics engineering program [academic engineering program? Is that the name of an actual thing? Maybe it is, but if not and you are just referring to the ranking of the USNA's program, delete "academics" entirely.] is rated #5 in the country so achieving my Aeronautical Engineer degree from here would be a great feat for a prospective pilot. I've [contraction!--I sound liek a woman giving birth, but you really need to get rid of all of these.] rigorously prepared myself for this through taking AP English 3, AP Chemistry, Dual Credit U.S. History, and Dual Credit B.I.M [what is B.I.M.? Unless this is a standard Navyish thing, if I don't know, the person reading your essay might not know either.]. To keep my skills sharp[,] I plan on taking all AP core classes and Calculus as well Trigonometry [weird way to divide up a list of things. You group the core classes and calc, then separate out Trig, and there doesn't seem to be any logic there. Better to just list them, "...core classes, calculus, and Trigonometry..."]to prepare myself for the rigors of being a Navy Pilot. My entire life has been devoted to becoming a fighter pilot, and as my uncle told me one day, either you have what it takes, or you don't. {I'm sure your uncle is a wise man. However, this sentence says nothing at all about you or anyone other than your uncle, who we now know is skilled in the use of platitudes. ]I definitely have what it takes and would be a great asset to the U.S. Navy.
My character was clearly defined last my past years in theater. ["...last my past years in theater." Huh? ] The HISD [HISD??]One Act Play Area contest,which lies on the doorstep of the Regional competition is one of the toughest in Texas. [not a complete sentence, and a contest does not lie on a doorstep. You way overwrote this sentence. I think maybe you are trying to say it is a qualifier for the regional competition, but you certainly didn't actually say that.] Our ensemble had performed well but made a major miscalculation and left our audio CD in the sound booth. [Forgetting a CD is not a miscalculation, it is an error or mistake, unless you thought leaving it there was a dandy idea and you did it intentionally, only to have your nefarious plan backfire.] Both president and Vice President of our club decided to keep it under wraps, for if we won they would receive a full ride scholarship to the school of their choice. My character and integrity were tested strenuously at this moment, for despite sacrificing the aspiring dreams [dreams don't aspire, people do. get read of aspiring completely or change dreams to aspirations.] of my friends and instantly disqualifying my school from the contest. [incomplete sentence, make this a comma and combine with the next sentence] I knew it was just simply wrong. I think back on that now and realize that it takes courage under fire to do the right thing, sacrifice yourself and others if necessary to protect something greater than yourself. This is the effective quality of leadership, one I have proven well beyond my bounds. ["proven well beyond my bounds"? What does that mean? More over-writing.] Whch is exactly why I would be the perfect pilot in the U.S. NAVY. [another incomplete sentence, and a typo]

The CD story doesn't make any sense. Why would you be DQd for leaving a CD behind? Also, you don't actually say what happened. Did you speak up, or just silently chew your fingernails and think about how wrong it all was? Actually, the whole story is awkward for me. You spend nearly half your essay talking about this event and include details that jsut aren't relevant (like the fact that the issue had something to do with leaving a CD in an audio booth), when all you are really trying to convey, I think, is that in a theater competition, you were faced with an ethical dilemma and pressure from your peers to remain silent about it because it would affect the outcome of the competition and ruin their chances of receiving scholarship prizes. Despite this "strenuous test of your character and integrity", you felt compelled to do what was right and face the consequences. At the moment where you were tempted and tested and did the right thing, you became even more certain of your ability to be an effective leader who makes difficult decisions in the face of adversity. In your opinion, that will serve you well not only at the academy, but also in the fleet. Is that pretty much accurate?

That whole section needs a serious rewrite. Leave out the details and only o=include the minimum necessary to make the point that you were tested and that you did the right thing, and then explain how that ties to your USNA worthiness.

A couple other notes. You talk a lot about being a pilot and a fighter pilot, but you are applying for a school, which no guarantee that if accepted, you'll fly anything, much less "advanced jests". Others can speak to this better than I can, but that seems unwise to me. What if you end up-- Gasp!-- a SWO? Since you aren't applying for jet school, all the "I can be the bestest pilot ever" talk seems ill-conceived

 

[villanelle]

Sorry for all the typos. It was nearly 4 am. Can we no longer edit? (Normally I wouldn't care, but given that it's a post about editing, well...

 

[wink]

I was in the Navy a long time and know a thing or two about this. Not so good with grammer and such though, so see above for that. This statement is a chance to tell them anything else that isn't obvious from the rest of the app. Don't go into detail on all the classes you have taken. They know that from the record. If you want to tell them why taking AP classes was important to you, fine, not a bad idea. Don't list them. Do not say why you think you will be the perfect pilot for the Navy. You have no idea what the perfect pilot is or what it takes to become one. That isn't a slam on your motivation, just a FACT! It is OK to state that being a pilot, even a fighter pilot is a goal of yours. It is very appropriate to state how it is that you got motivated to want to go to the Academy. If that involves a story about aviation fine. The Blues exist to motivate young people to join the Navy. But, you should pare back the emphasis on being a pilot. The Navy wants OFFICERS. The Navy wants leaders that can lead in and out of the cockpit no matter their assignment. Motivation is great, goals are necessary to cope with the USNA over four years, but there is no guarantee you will be a pilot. Do you want to leave the board the idea you will fold like a house of cards the day you learn you can't be a pilot? We do not hire pilots, not for the USNA, NROTC or OCS. Don't make it sound like you are applying for the wrong job.

 

[wink]

Sorry for all the typos. It was nearly 4 am. Can we no longer edit? (Normally I wouldn't care, but given that it's a post about editing, well...

0400 post to help out a boat school wannabe? He better appreciate it, typos and all.

 

[villanelle]

Mostly it's because the damn earth here can't hold still for long enough for me to get a decent night's sleep. But if it earns me brownie points, I'll take um.

 

[Fog]

I'm pretty old & irrelevant now, but a wise old man once told me "if a man tells you how honest, religious or brave he is - stick your hands in your pockets and run like Hell from that SOB". Your references can speak to your integrity, and it's not wrong to ask them to comment on it. It is unseemly, however, (IMHO) for you to tell us how honest you are. And the other guys were correct: your grammar and typos were not indicative of an honors student.

 

[wink]

On the subject of integrity and the story you tell, show that you have done your homework and know what you are getting into. Take that story of honesty and integrity and reference the USNA Honor Concept and the Mission of the USNA. If you don't about these things better find out now!

Because I am feeling generous today, let me offer a free tip. In his interview your Blue and Gold Officer is required to ask you about the Naval Academy Honor Concept. Have an answer. Saying you don't know anything about it is not a good answer. Given the internet and modern resources I generally expect my candidates to have a pretty good idea what the USNA is all about, from plebe summer, what the first couple years of classes look like, through service selection options. A BGO is required to ask a candidate what he wants to major in and his expected service selection preferences. I don't have much respect for guys that say they want to major in psychology or tell me they want to select Intelligence or JAG Corps, or "Engineering" on graduating. It isn't hard to find out what majors are offered and where you can go on graduating.

There ya go Derrick, an AirWarriors exclusive. Now don't go and screw the pooch!

 

[IstvanP]

As a BGO why do you say you have no respect for sailors who wish to join Intelligence?

 

[Recovering LSO]

@IstvanP, because it is exceedingly difficult (if not impossible) to select restricted line designators. You basically have to be NPQ'd from all unrestricted line options.

His comment about having no respect for them implies that the candidate didn't do their homework prior to the interview. If they tell their BGO that they want to go USNA, get a psychology degree (not offered), and then be a intel officer.... Well, its not impressive. You wouldn't interview with a national league baseball team and tell them that you really wanted to be a designated hitter....

 

[IstvanP]

@Recovering LSO
Well thank you for clearing this up. So your saying that a graduate basically is a line,submarine, special, or aviator officer?

 

[Recovering LSO]

SEALs, Naval Aviators, NFOs, SWOs, and Submariners are all Unrestricted Line Officers. The Naval Academy produces Unrestricted Line Officers (with very rare exceptions - rare enough that one should plan on it).

 

[wink]

His comment about having no respect for them implies that the candidate didn't do their homework prior to the interview. If they tell their BGO that they want to go USNA, get a psychology degree (not offered), and then be a intel officer.... Well, its not impressive. You wouldn't interview with a national league baseball team and tell them that you really wanted to be a designated hitter....

I should have been more clear. Thanks for watching the office while I was out.