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Mission statement remarks

YFF

New Member
Hi,

I've written a rough draft for my mission statement and am seeking advice/ or suggestions and clarity on grammatical errors if present.

I appreciate your contribution and time.

YFF

MISSION STATEMENT
I am an honor graduate from the University of Hawaii with a major in North East Asian History and proficient in Japanese. I have invaluable experience and the opportunity to work under leaders at the State legislature and assisting the needs of others. I was awarded an internship at the State Capitol and then promoted further to a legal aide, then to committee clerk positions. I respected my superiors and followed policy and mentored other staff members on policy and procedure. I excelled working in this intense environment with critical deadlines and made sound and timely decisions. To succeed as an officer in the United States Navy, I believe that on point communications, diligence with dedication to the varied situations encountered and integrity and following procedure are vital officer characteristics that I possess and have demonstrated.
During my undergraduate education at the University of Hawaii I helped organize the first female polo club, and developed a sense of their responsibility by promoting comradely cooperation while maintaining my athleticism and amongst my teammates. We competed against other teams and I laid the foundations for a non-profit organization by logistically planning for equipment, donations, horses, media-attention and managing the polo club.
I have tutored English as a second language (ESL) for 3 years to a wide variety of foreign students, which has taught me the importance of effective communication amongst those who speak various languages and from diversified backgrounds.
The Navy will benefit from my educational, athletic and leadership experience and dedication to the service. I have a strong understanding for knowledge and for foreign affairs with a serious commitment in pursuing the Foreign Area Officer (FAO) program. I am dependable, innovative and eager to work with fellow soldiers. I am accustomed to the idea of representing the best and when challenges are faced to endure and move forward.
 

exNavyOffRec

Well-Known Member
You have talked very little about what you can do for the USN and in that little time talk about jumping from whatever community you are applying for to go into the FAO program, a program that in order to apply for you have to have 8 years of service.

Don't be redundant in your motivational statement, they know your GPA, and they know your degree.

Expand about your team experience and about your non profit/volunteer experience.
 
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