Help with my essay- NOT MY MOTIVATIONAL STATEMENT

[Nicholas Ladolcetta]

Was considering posting this to the motivational statement mega thread but it does have it's own category. It may be weird coming here for help but I've reached out to other resources as well. Just thought many over here can provide some insight as well.

In short, I was an SNA, who was attrited academically after completing API. I passed the tests, did phys, then was dropped for a low NSS during a force reduction. I did all my homework, rubbed a lot of elbows, and found out my last chance at military flight (if any of you have any other ideas....please....) is through the army flight warrant officer program.

Part of my packet is this "why I want to be an Army Aviator" essay. To anyone who feels they can help, please look it over and let me know what you think. Some bullets on what they're looking for:
-brevity
-no fluff. To a point where the essay could seem grammatically incorrect. Based on the other essay I've seen I think my final paragraph can be cut
- reasons why i want to fly, but no golly gee, flying is cool kind of thing.
- and of course, what about my would make a good pilot, what about me would make a good fit for the army.

My last question....As I said earlier, I attrited academically. The board will have memos, and LORs from staff at NASC discussing my attrition. I felt this essay I can keep generic and not touch on this topic.


Any other critiques, please let me know, AND TO APPLICANTS, if you have any questions about anything i discussed or anything at all you think I can help with, please let me know. Right now I am in Pensacola waiting for my discharge paperwork.

Here's my essay. Keep in mind....it's a why I want to be an Army Aviator essay.....I have no choice but to act like the Army is the best place in the world to fly.


During my undergraduate experience, I excelled in a wide range of activities; resulting in leadership, time management, and administrative skills development. As Senior Class President, Vice President of the Sigma Pi Fraternity International, chair holder for the campus Judicial Board and Morale Captain for the largest student run philanthropic organization in the country, THON, I was entrusted with a large amount of leadership responsibility to balance with my academics. My undergraduate career culminated in a 3.8 GPA, and resulted in acceptance into a graduate level program.

After graduation, I enlisted into the United States Army. In less than two years, I have earned the Army Commendation Medal, two Army Achievement Medals, Combat Action Badge, Air Assault Badge, and graduated both with academic honors, and with the Iron Man Award as the top physical graduate in the Army Basic Leader Course. I was hand-selected by my commander to represent my unit in the national Best Warrior Competition, which measured leadership, mental grit, military fundamentals, and most importantly my ability to handle pressure with sound judgment, all characteristics of a strong Aviator. After placing second in my division, I decided it was time to take my military career to the next level with my newly honed skills.

What I love most about the Army, is it’s revolution around the most essential element of war, the soldiers on the ground. Despite my personal experiences, possibly my most inspirational moments were listening to infantrymen tell stories of their darkest moments in hostile territory, only coming to a positive ending through aviation support. After attempting to enter Army Flight as an Active Guard Reserve Commissioned Officer, only to have my slot taken from me, I was anxious to enter the military flight community as quickly as possible, and applied for Navy Flight. I fell in love with the community, but I believe my career as an Aviator could not be better fulfilled anywhere else other than the Army. I could not believe any stronger that infantrymen are the bravest people in the world. I cannot think of a more fulfilling and meaningful career, than helping them accomplish their mission, as well as ensuring their safe return home to their families.

My diverse education and experiences have given me an adept mental agility. My biggest fear is becoming stagnant, and limiting my realm of knowledge and aspirations. Because of this thought, I always strive to diversify myself in all aspects of my life. By remaining highly motivated and competitive, I have developed skills that can be an asset in the right environment. The diversity of the Army and its missions make it the ideal environment for which I will be carrying out my duties as an Army Aviator.

 

[FormerRecruitingGuru]

Essentially this a motivational statement.

 

[Nicholas Ladolcetta]

Essentially this a motivational statement.

It is, just thought I'd prefer not to take attention off other applicants on that thread. I figure not as many would be willing to help me so separate my post. Should I add it to the motivational statement thread?

 

[picklesuit]

The opportunity for jokes here is too great to pass up...

“Look guys, I tried Naval Aviation, wasn’t quite smart enough to hack it...so...Go Army?”

But seriously, I’d chop the garbage in the first paragraph about your undergraduate experience. Focus on your time in the Army, maybe back off on the diversity commentary in the last paragraph. You mention it three times that you have a different background, but I think it draws attention to the fact you were attrited from Naval Aviation.

Spend that paragraph talking about being a Soldier first and an Aviator second. You want to demonstrate your desire to lead Soldiers, and Army Aviation is the way you think you could best serve.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

Pickle

 

[Nicholas Ladolcetta]

The opportunity for jokes here is too great to pass up...

“Look guys, I tried Naval Aviation, wasn’t quite smart enough to hack it...so...Go Army?”

But seriously, I’d chop the garbage in the first paragraph about your undergraduate experience. Focus on your time in the Army, maybe back off on the diversity commentary in the last paragraph. You mention it three times that you have a different background, but I think it draws attention to the fact you were attrited from Naval Aviation.

Spend that paragraph talking about being a Soldier first and an Aviator second. You want to demonstrate your desire to lead Soldiers, and Army Aviation is the way you think you could best serve.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

Pickle

Part of my struggle was because I genuinely had no idea how to write essay this without seeming like the guy hitting on a girl after her hot friend just shut him down. No shit, when I spoke to the higher ups about my academic attrition one of their first questions were "yea well how good are you PT wise though?"

As far as mentioning my college... a. i'm applying to be a flight warrant officer. Many applicants won't have a college education. So I thought this was something I could use to seperate me a bit. b. I failed navy flight academically. I might be trying to overcompensate for some things talking about how well I did in college.........Do you still think it isn't worth highlighting?

Do you think my conclusion should be kept? By looking at other applicant's essays they had no sort of closing statements. Any other notes you have for me? what made weak arguments, what other points I should emphasize more?

 

[villanelle]

There are a lot of punctuation issues in the part I scanned and some usage things (e.g its vs it's). It could use a good copy edit. Do you have perhaps a former college English professor you could ask. In lieu of that, a grammar nerd in your life might help, but plenty of people consider themselves experts when they are decidedly not.

 

[FormerRecruitingGuru]

Adding to what she said, I would never mention... to the Army nonetheless how they previously screwed you over with a Army/NG spot. Even if they did, I wouldn’t try to ruffle feathers.

I would read your statement aloud and as a backup have someone qualified (like a professor) QC your essay.

 

[Nicholas Ladolcetta]

Adding to what she said, I would never mention... to the Army nonetheless how they previously screwed you over with a Army/NG spot. Even if they did, I wouldn’t try to ruffle feathers.

I would read your statement aloud and as a backup have someone qualified (like a professor) QC your essay.

Thank you. I will revise. I wanted to show them I tried flying for the army first so they don't get a feeling they're second fiddle, but didn't want them thinking I didn't get it because I wasn't qualified. I did take their flight aptitude test way back in my enlisted days which I'm sure they'll see, but just wanted to be sure.

 

[prestonaz]

Part of my struggle was because I genuinely had no idea how to write essay this without seeming like the guy hitting on a girl after her hot friend just shut him down. No shit, when I spoke to the higher ups about my academic attrition one of their first questions were "yea well how good are you PT wise though?"

As far as mentioning my college... a. i'm applying to be a flight warrant officer. Many applicants won't have a college education. So I thought this was something I could use to seperate me a bit. b. I failed navy flight academically. I might be trying to overcompensate for some things talking about how well I did in college.........Do you still think it isn't worth highlighting?

Do you think my conclusion should be kept? By looking at other applicant's essays they had no sort of closing statements. Any other notes you have for me? what made weak arguments, what other points I should emphasize more?

Promote yourself! You have so many wonderful accomplishments throughout your military career. Why talk about the Army denying you when you could fill the paragraph with more wonderful accomplishments!

 

[Griz882]

Tonight I am feeling kind, so I offer you, free of charge, an edited version of your story (by a Ph.D. no less). Try this...

“During my undergraduate education I assumed a wide range of activities that developed my leadership, time management, and administrative skills. I learned to balance the demands of my academic program and desire to serve my community by serving as Senior Class President, Vice President of the Sigma Pi Fraternity, and chair holder for the campus Judicial Board. My undergraduate time culminated with a 3.8 GPA, a bachelors degree in (whatever it is in), and an offer to continue my studies in a graduate level program.

After graduation, I enlisted into the United States Army. Within two years, I earned the Army Commendation Medal, two Army Achievement Medals, and the Air Assault Badge. As a combat veteran of Operation (OIF, OEF, OND,...), I earned the Combat Action Badge. At the Army Basic Leader Course I graduated both with academic honors, and with the Iron Man Award as the top physical graduate. I was hand-selected by my commander to represent my unit in the national Best Warrior Competition, where my leadership, mental grit, grasp of military fundamentals, and ability to handle pressure with sound judgment, all desirable skill for an Army Aviator, were measured. I placed second in my (infantry? Cavalry?) division and realized then that it was time to take my military endeavors to the next level.

What I love most about the Army, is the drive to make the most of their best weapon, the individual Soldier. Along with my personal experiences as an (MOS...infantryman, scout...) I have long been impressed with the capabilities of Army Aviation. Anxious to enter the military flight community as quickly as possible, I applied for Navy Flight training and there ran into my first great challenge, the possibility of failure. It was at this moment that I learned that true difficulty is not the end, but the opportunity to become something better, to learn from my first encounter with failure and come out stronger. My experience as a Soldier has taught me that the men and women of the US Army are the bravest people in the world and when faced with a difficulty they get up, evaluate the situation and move out. I cannot think of a more fulfilling and meaningful career, than helping them accomplish their mission by serving as an Army Aviator.”

 

[Nicholas Ladolcetta]

Tonight I am feeling kind, so I offer you, free of charge, an edited version of your story (by a Ph.D. no less). Try this...

“During my undergraduate education I assumed a wide range of activities that developed my leadership, time management, and administrative skills. I learned to balance the demands of my academic program and desire to serve my community by serving as Senior Class President, Vice President of the Sigma Pi Fraternity, and chair holder for the campus Judicial Board. My undergraduate time culminated with a 3.8 GPA, a bachelors degree in (whatever it is in), and an offer to continue my studies in a graduate level program.

After graduation, I enlisted into the United States Army. Within two years, I earned the Army Commendation Medal, two Army Achievement Medals, and the Air Assault Badge. As a combat veteran of Operation (OIF, OEF, OND,...), I earned the Combat Action Badge. At the Army Basic Leader Course I graduated both with academic honors, and with the Iron Man Award as the top physical graduate. I was hand-selected by my commander to represent my unit in the national Best Warrior Competition, where my leadership, mental grit, grasp of military fundamentals, and ability to handle pressure with sound judgment, all desirable skill for an Army Aviator, were measured. I placed second in my (infantry? Cavalry?) division and realized then that it was time to take my military endeavors to the next level.

What I love most about the Army, is the drive to make the most of their best weapon, the individual Soldier. Along with my personal experiences as an (MOS...infantryman, scout...) I have long been impressed with the capabilities of Army Aviation. Anxious to enter the military flight community as quickly as possible, I applied for Navy Flight training and there ran into my first great challenge, the possibility of failure. It was at this moment that I learned that true difficulty is not the end, but the opportunity to become something better, to learn from my first encounter with failure and come out stronger. My experience as a Soldier has taught me that the men and women of the US Army are the bravest people in the world and when faced with a difficulty they get up, evaluate the situation and move out. I cannot think of a more fulfilling and meaningful career, than helping them accomplish their mission by serving as an Army Aviator.”

Sometimes it's better to be lucky than smart. Thank you for your help sir. Very much appreciated

 

[Nicholas Ladolcetta]

Promote yourself! You have so many wonderful accomplishments throughout your military career. Why talk about the Army denying you when you could fill the paragraph with more wonderful accomplishments!

I thought it might be wise to let them know I attempted Army flight first so they don't feel second fiddle to the Navy.

 

[prestonaz]

I thought it might be wise to let them know I attempted Army flight first so they don't feel second fiddle to the Navy.

They can’t feel hurt about what they don’t know! Word to the wise, don’t bring up getting denied. Just fill it with another accomplishment or your love for the salty sea

 

[Nicholas Ladolcetta]

@Pianistwithwings lurking around my thread huh lolol how've you been man

 

[Pianistwithwings]

@Pianistwithwings lurking around my thread huh lolol how've you been man

Doing well and loving life. Wish you BETTER luck with your future flying endeavors @Nicholas Ladolcetta