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Help on the USNA essay !

Andres Jose

Future F-18 pilot
I need help on my essay for the Naval Academy. Please let me know what you think and what can I improve. The question is "Describe what led your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals and descirbe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity"

“When I was in the Air Force as an Intel officer I used to brief A-10 pilots. They were the craziest bunch of guys I had ever met!” As I listened to my father’s stories in the military I dreamed of being a fighter pilot. Aviation wasn’t the only thing, as I learned about the Navy’s history and its traditions I build up a dream within a dream. Watching movies like the Battle of Midway and Top Gun I realized I wanted to serve my country as a Naval Aviator.
I have always tried to be an overachiever, taking the most difficult paths to learn more and become as tough as I can be. I know that this is the only way to make it to the US Naval Academy and a future career in the Navy. To pursue my dream, I want to attend the finest institution of its kind and that will be the United States Naval Academy. I know that attending the Academy will make me a better officer.
As a cadet at Valley Forge I have already been part of a military education. I have learned what it takes to become a leader, and how to inspire others to attain excellence through personal motivation, and self-discipline. Valley Forge has given me the values I was not going to find in a regular high school. It has provided me with one of the best preparations that will help me succeed as a Naval Officer.
At Valley Forge I have learned that “Leaders are made, they are not born. They are made by hard effort, which is the price which all of us must pay to achieve any goal that is worthwhile.” Being a leader at Valley Forge takes a lot of effort and it becomes an honor to be one. It is the institution’s mission to educate cadets, within an academic and military environment to be fully prepared for their responsibilities as citizen leaders who are mentally alert, sound in body, considerate of others and having the highest sense of duty, honor, loyalty and courage. I have adopted all those values within me and from them I have developed high moral standards and strong character traits.
In my junior year I had a platoon of thirty-two cadets and four squad leaders under my command made up of 7th, 8th, and 9th grade students. As a platoon sergeant it was my job to build character in them. I had read How Good Leaders Lead by Brian Tracy, and I learned that to achieve the Five Cornerstones of the school; Academic Excellence, Physical Development, Leadership, Character Development, and Personal Motivation, one first needs to fulfill Personal Motivation to reach every single one of them. So I taught them how to develop teamwork, loyalty, and pride through positive competition. As a result we were awarded best company of the year. If given the opportunity to attend the Naval Academy, I know I will succeed.
 

armada1651

Hey intern, get me a Campari!
pilot
To clarify, your dad was the one that was an AF Intel officer?

Also, "future F-18 pilot"? Confidence is good, but I'd recommend changing that.
 

statesman

Shut up woman... get on my horse.
pilot
Here are some edits. Take them or leave them. Most of the edits were syntax and structure. Basic writing technique and clarity problems. Nothing unexpected coming from a HS senior. Its about 90% your words still.

Some other edits I made to make it a little less contrite in some places. Along those lines I would use a different example than Top Gun. Its a fun movie and we all watched it way more than we should have, but try to think of another example thats a little less pop culture and a little more history/tradition. I dont know if you have ever seen 'The Right Stuff' but its a great movie and I dont think you'll find an aviator around that doesnt like it. Other good movies that might take TGs place would be Black Sheep Squadron, Tora Tora Tora, or Men of Honor. Remember while aviation may be your first choice you might not get it, and even if you do we are officers first and aviators second. I think men of honor is one of the best navy movies of all time and I dont think there is a single plane. Its about tradition and character.

Opening with a quote isn't the worst mistake you can make as a writer, and Im sure that some of your English teachers told you thats THE way to open, but its usually done in a sloppy way and can be confusing. Consider this rearrangement which is more concise and less confusing. Also I took out the bits about being 'tough' and 'over achieving' and used a little bit different language to provide a little more of a mature tone. Youre tying to be a Naval Officer, not a Hells Angel and you dont want to come off as a snob.

The remainder of the body looked great. I made a few edits just for syntax and clarity. Mostly just repositioned words or cut out fluffy words which serve no purpose.

Best of luck.

My interest in military service began at a young age, I can remember listing to my father’s stories about being in the Air Force and the thrill I would get when he would mention “those crazy bunch of guys” referring to the A-10 pilots he served with.

As I grew older and investigated military life, learned of the Navy’s strong tradition and rich history, I realized my dream was not just to fly, but rather to serve as a Naval Officer and Aviator. Movies like Battle of Midway and Top Gun only further reinforced those feelings and served as great motivation.

To pursue my dream, I want to attendthe finest institution of its kindwhich without question is the United States Naval Academy. I have always tried to set and achieve goals, taking on difficult challenges to learn more and develop myself as a person. I know this is the only way to succeed at the Naval Academy and in my future career in the Navy.

As a cadet at Valley Forge I have already been part of a military education. I have learned the basics leadership, and how to inspire others to attain excellence through personal motivation and self-discipline. Valley Forge has instilled values I would not have found in a regular high school. It has equipped me with tools which I know will help me succeed as a Naval Officer.

At Valley Forge I have learned that “Leaders are made, they are not born. They are made by hard effort, which is the price which all of us must pay to achieve any goal that is worthwhile.” Leading other cadets at Valley Forge takes significant effort, a humbling experience, and a sincere honor. It is the institution’s mission to educate cadets, within an academic and military environment to be fully prepared for their responsibilities as citizen leaders who are mentally alert, sound in body, considerate of others, and having the highest sense of duty, honor, loyalty and courage. I have adopted all those values and from them I have developed high moral standards and strong character.

In my junior year I was charged with a platoon of thirty-two cadets and four squad leaders made up of 7th, 8th, and 9th grade students. As a platoon sergeant it was my job train and assist them in building their own character. I had previously read How Good Leaders Leadby Brian Tracy, and I learned that to achieve the Five Cornerstones of the Valley Forge; Academic Excellence, Physical Development, Leadership, Character Development, and Personal Motivation, one first needs to fulfill Personal Motivation before being able to develop any of the other Cornerstones. So I taught my platoon how to develop teamwork, loyalty, and pride through positive competition. As a result we were awarded best company of the year.
Serving as a Naval Officer is a sincere goal of mine and it is one I am motivated to achieve. If given the opportunity to attend the Naval Academy, I know I will succeed.
 

Andres Jose

Future F-18 pilot
I really appreciate your help and I will take everything you said in consideration especially what you said about the movies! Thanks a lot and if you didnt mind checking out my other essays I have I would really appreciate it
 

statesman

Shut up woman... get on my horse.
pilot
More than willing. You can post them here or PM.

I would recommend posting them here so others can also take a look
 

Andres Jose

Future F-18 pilot
This is my NROTC essay. The question is "Discuss your reasons for wanting to become a Naval Officer".

“When I was in the Air Force as an Intel officer I used to brief A-10 pilots. They were the craziest bunch of guys I had ever met!” As I listened to my father’s stories in the military I dreamed of being a fighter pilot. Aviation wasn’t the only thing, as I learned about the Navy’s history and its traditions I build up a dream within a dream. Watching movies like the Battle of Midway and Top Gun I realized I wanted to serve my country as a Naval Aviator.
I have always tried to be an overachiever, taking the most difficult paths to learn more and become as tough as I can be. So I have asked myself, what does it take to lead strong Sailors in the Navy? It takes a leader who is morally strong and is ready to take any type of a challenge that comes through its way. Naval Officers are the ones who step in and succeed leading men of character. They are the heart of the Navy; Sailors follow them and depend on them in times of peace and conflict.
I have been preparing myself for these challenges. I am ready to become a Naval Officer and honor those who stand by me and risk their lives every day. I know that as a Naval Officer you are responsible for a group of men between the ages of 18-50 I will be dealing with Sailors that have gain more experience than me. When I establish my education through the NROTC program I will develop values and character that will keep me standing up from big situations in life. I will help and guide everyone who needs my hand through my knowledge. I want to become a Naval Officer.
 

CommodoreMid

Whateva! I do what I want!
None
Super Moderator
Contributor
Small critique, a couple beers in so can't go into all the details I've noted coherently, but you aren't going to be leading a group of men. Hell, I'm female and I said something to that effect when I was interviewing for an academy nomination when I was in high school and it was noted. We with the vaginas make up a good portion of the force.
 

statesman

Shut up woman... get on my horse.
pilot
The prompts are very similar so a lot of this can be recycled. Youve done a good job of that already.

Essentially you want to take out the parts about the Naval Academy, and rearrange your prior experience at VF to better address this prompt. No need to write two entirely different essays.

It feels like you got a little lost towards the end so I tried to present a cleaned up version of what I thought you were trying to get across.

You probably want to expand a little on some of the concepts towards the end, depending on how much more space you have on the application. If memory serves there is a word limit. Some things to keep in mind:

- Youre not ready to become a Naval Officer just yet. That doesnt come until commissioning. A better way to describe it is your ready to start down that path. VF may be a great place, but it didn't set you up completely. You might be a little ahead of your peers as far as what tools you have in your tool box. But its going to take time, experience, maturity and education from your commissioning source (be it USNA, NROTC, OCS) before youre 'ready'. Thats not meant to tear you down, but if you keep that in mind as you write your essay and go into your interviews it might catch the attention of the board. Knowing your limitations is a big part of being a leader.

- The prompt is asking for your personal motivation, the question you posed in the second paragraph might not be the most appropriate direction. Not saying its bad, and not saying you shouldnt use it, or be asking that question. The board knows what it takes, and they are asking you if you know what it takes. They are asking you WHY you want to take on the challenge. So identifying the challenge and then describing what about that challenge is attractive to you is the key. Drawing on your VF experience is a good way to go, because you have had some leadership experience, in a military environment, so you have a frame of reference. You might not be ready to jump in the jet just yet, or lead a division, but you can say that Navy life is a good fit for you from what you have seen.

- This is a very open ended prompt. You can go many ways with it. So I would sit down and answer the prompt with note book paper in a few phrases or words. So you might write 'challenge', 'rewarding experiences', 'opportunity to lead', 'mentorship' etc. Then take that prewriting and form it into a quick outline in a more specific way. This isnt an AP english exam, but a hard to read essay can destroy a good application. Developing good communication skills and being concise in your writing shows not only that you are educated, but also implies maturity.

-Overall youve done a great job talking about your motivations it just needs to get cleaned up. Youre not talking about wanting a good job, nice uniforms, flying a jet like maverick. Youre talking about officer and leadership concepts. Youre headed in the right direction for sure.

My interest in military service began at a young age, I can remember listing to my father’s stories about being in the Air Force and the thrill I would get when he would mention “those crazy bunch of guys” referring to the A-10 pilots he served with.

As I grew older and investigated military life, learned of the Navy’s strong tradition and rich history, I realized my dream was not just to fly, but rather to serve as a Naval Officer and Aviator. Movies like Battle of Midway and Top Gun only further reinforced those feelings and served as great motivation.


I have always tried to set and achieve goals, taking on difficult challenges to learn more and develop myself as a person. Officers are charged with the responsibility of leading men and women in times of peace and conflict, maintaining high standards of character, and demanding the same from their Sailors. As such I can't think of a more challenging and rewarding experience than that of a Naval Officer.

As a cadet at Valley Forge I have already been part of a military education. I have learned the basics leadership, and how to inspire others to attain excellence through personal motivation and self-discipline. My high school experience has shown me that military service is something I wish to pursue has equipped me with tools which I know will help me succeed as a Naval Officer.

I feel as though I have a good understanding of what is expected of me as a Midshipman and as Naval Officer and what to expect from life in armed forces. I look forward to continuing my education and character development through the NROTC program. Throughout the program and after commissioning I look forward to guiding and mentoring others as a Naval Officer.
 

statesman

Shut up woman... get on my horse.
pilot
Small critique, a couple beers in so can't go into all the details I've noted coherently, but you aren't going to be leading a group of men. Hell, I'm female and I said something to that effect when I was interviewing for an academy nomination when I was in high school and it was noted. We with the vaginas make up a good portion of the force.

Along those lines either use 'men and women' or the unisex Sailors.
 

villanelle

Nihongo dame desu
Contributor
The comma is not endangered, so please feel free to use as many as necessary. I won't edit the first one since you've already gotten a ton of feedback and may have made a lot of changes (and because I am lazy), but feel free to post the latest (or PM me if you want a grammar, usage, etc. edits, as compared to a content edit, which I can't help you with).

Edits inserted as necessary, with comments in brackets.

“When I was in the Air Force as an Intel officer, I used to brief A-10 pilots. They were the craziest bunch of guys I had ever met!” As I listened to my father’s stories from his time in the military, I dreamed of being a fighter pilot. Aviation wasn’t the only thing; as I learned about the Navy’s history and its traditions, I build up a dream within a dream. [The "aviation wasn't the only thing" part isn't very clear. I think you mean that you didn't just dream of aviation, but that your vision also included the Navy, but that doesn't come across well. Try restructuring this sentence, or at least changing the beginning to something like"My dream was not just about aviation".] Watching movies like the Battle of Midway and Top Gun, I realized I wanted to serve my country as a Naval Aviator.
I have always tried to be an overachiever, taking the most difficult paths to learn more and become as tough as I can be. ["as tough as I can be" is a bit trite.]So I have asked myself, what does it take to lead strong Sailors in the Navy? [In formal writing, it's best not to start a sentence with "so". Perhaps "Consequently," or "As a result," would be a better choice. And yes, you would need a comma after either one.] It takes a leader who is morally strong and is ready to take any type of a challenge that comes through its way. [I don't understand what/who the "its" is referring to. Is this an attempt to be gender neutral and not use "his"? If so, ditch it and rework to get ride of the issue altogether.. Try "...any challenge that arises".] Naval Officers are the ones who step in and succeed [you succeed in or succeed at, so something is missing here. Maybe, "...step in and are successful at..." or "step in and successfully lead men of character".] leading men of character. They are the heart of the Navy; Sailors follow them and depend on them in times of peace and conflict.
I have been preparing myself for these challenges. I am ready to become a Naval Officer and honor those who stand by me and risk their lives every day. I know that as a Naval Officer you are responsible for a group of men between the ages of 18-50 I will be dealing with Sailors that have gained [or instead of adding the "ed" to gain, just get rid of the word all together.] more experience than me. When I establish my education through the NROTC program I will develop values and character that will keep me standing up from big situations in life. I will help and guide everyone who needs my hand through my knowledge. I want to become a Naval Officer.

Also, I really doubt your father ever said, "when I was in the AF as an Intel officer" as the opening of a sentence to his own son. I get that it is a bit of poetic license, but that makes it sound very contrived (and kind of makes poor ol' dad sound like a pompous blowhard). "I used to brief A-1o Pilots. They were the craziest bunch of guys I had ever met." As I listened to the stories of my father, who had served in the Air Force as an Intel officer, I dreamed of being a fighter pilot." It sounds much less artificial.
 
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