Essay to Congressmen for nomination!

[Andres Jose]

I need help and advice on my essay that I will soon send to my congressmen to get my nomination for the Naval Academy. Please comment on anything I can improve.
- My interest in the military service began at a young age, I can remember listening to my father’s stories about being in the Air Force and the thrill I would get when he would mention “those crazy bunch of guys” referring to the A-10 pilots he served with.
As I grew older and investigated military life, learned of the Navy’s strong tradition and rich history, I realized my dream was not just to fly, but rather to serve as a Naval Officer and Aviator. The movie Men of Honor only further reinforced those feelings and served as great motivation.
To pursue my dream, I want to attend the finest institution of its kind which without question is the United States Naval Academy. I have always tried to set and achieve goals, taking on difficult challenges to learn more and develop myself as a person. I know this is the only way to succeed at the Naval Academy and in my future career in the Navy.
As a cadet at Valley Forge I have already been part of a military education. I have learned the basics of leadership, and how to inspire others to attain excellence through personal motivation and self-discipline. Valley Forge has instilled values I would not have found in a regular high school. It has equipped me with tools which I know will help me succeed as a Naval Officer.
After my first year in Valley Forge I returned to Puerto Rico, and attended Colegio San Ignacio de Loyola. I volunteered to provide academic assistance to disadvantaged 9-12 year old students at the Sor Isolina Ferre Center, as an assistant tutor in a classroom of six kids. These young kids came from broken homes, violent neighborhoods, and from parents with criminal backgrounds. I soon realized that these kids needed much more than academic help. They needed to be guided and listened to. I got the opportunity to play with them, talk to them individually, and to help them with their school work.
Becoming a part of their educational program, I taught them to be morally strong. I became a leader to them, and learned that to make people follow a leader, he has to show he cares about them. In the end, I felt I had motivated these kids by letting them know they could achieve anything in life if they followed the five cornerstones I had learned at Valley Forge: Academic Excellence, Physical Development, Leadership, Personal Motivation, and most importantly, Character Development. They learned from me and I learned from them. I know these principles will guide me to future success in life. These principles guide me now as I lead the cadets under my command, and I hope they will guide me when I lead future Sailors in the Navy. If given the opportunity to attend the Naval Academy, I know I will succeed.

 

[BusyBee604]

Hard to digest, needs to be broken down into smaller chunks (paragraphs) for a start, then start checking punctuation, indenting, grammar, spelling etc. These things are nearly as important as the content of the essay/letter, or any other written work. It is imperative that a Naval Officer be an excellent writer. If available, have a College English Professor critique your final script. Good luck!
BzB

 

[villanelle]

Yeah, lots of grammar and punctuation issues. Take it to your English teacher, assuming he or she is decent, and ask for help with revisions. (Or better yet, take BB's suggestion and try to get a college professor to help you, or a recommendation from a professor for a truly skilled student, even if you have to pay for their time and expertise.) I'll tackle the first little bit, to show you how much work needs to be done on just the basics.

My interest in the military service began at a young age, [This should be a period, not a comma. Also, the "the" before military service is unnecessary and doesn't really make sense. And finally, "at a young age" is a bad choice. Youa re what, 16? That too, is a "young age" which means you could have started thinking about this last week,] I can remember listening to my father’s stories about being in the Air Force and the thrill I would get when he would mention [comma]“those crazy bunch of guys”[comma] referring to the A-10 pilots he served with. [As a somewhat side note, I remember reading your essay somewhere else and though I don't recall details, I thought the opening was smoother and more compelling in that version. It's choppy and a little awkward now.]
As I grew older [Weird phrasing again. How about just, "The more in investigate and learned about military life, rather than telling us you grew older, which is the most often age progression and this doesn't say anything all about yourself.] and investigated military life, [[you have a weird combo of "and"s and commas here. you either need a comma instead of and before "investigated", or you need a comma before "learned".] learned of the Navy’s strong tradition and rich history, I realized my dream was not just to fly, but rather["rather" is wrong. Your are saying your dream is comprised of both flying and being a naval aviator. "Rather" implies that it is one instead of the other. you could use "also".] to serve as a Naval Officer and Aviator. The movie Men of Honor only further reinforced those feelings and served as great motivation. [This mention of a movie feels forced and it sort of juvenile, in a way. It sounds liek you are makign a major life decision and commitment based on a 2 hour Hollywood movie. It's fine if that inspired you, but to call it out like this, in its own sentence with no real context comes off st
rangely.] "I found inspiration from many sources, from my father's stories to conversations with Naval officers both active and retired, and even from movies like Men Of honor, all of which reinforced my feelings of Whatever and served to even further motivate me to pursue this goal."

Caveat. Maybe your congressman (or the staffer who reads these things) won't be nearly as picky as me, and admitted lexiphile and stickler for well-nuanced writing. Some of the things I changed above aren't actively incorrect, but they create weird connotations or are just awkward. The reader will know what you meant, but there are much better ways to say it, and if you find them, you'll sound a lot smarter to anyone who cares about this sort of thing, and the overall impression will be much more impressive.

 

[wink]

Your overall content is quite good. The mechanical suggestions are worth taking serious. Don't forget you have a statement to write for your USNA application as well. While a bunch of retired military guys volunteering for the congressman to sit as his military academy board may or may not notice some of the finer mechanical issues, the USNA board will. Good start. Good luck.