| 4400 PENNSYLVANIA AVE, Washington, D.C. – Following the discovery of cocaine in a public area at the White House earlier this week, the senior non-commissioned officer (NCO) tapped to conduct a drug test at the presidential mansion told reporters he has been training his whole career for the opportunity. | “This is like being asked to conduct the New York Philharmonic or coach at the Super Bowl,” Sergeant Major Richard Gaiser said as he carefully checked the small plastic bottles set out on the Oval Office’s Resolute desk. “This complex movement of rosters, watchers, and wieners will be my magnum opus.” Closing his eyes, he inhaled. “I love the smell of urine in the morning.” | Army Unit Prevention Leaders, or UPLs, are charged with planning, organizing, and executing large-scale urinalysis drug tests for the organizations to which they are assigned. As the senior urinalysis NCO in the military, sources say Gaiser was the obvious choice for testing the White House staff. | “I’ve run urinalysis events for all types of units — conventional, special operations, hell, they even sent me into orbit to test a couple of Space Force Guardians who bought krokodil from a Russian on the International Space Station,” Gaiser said, looking out at the sky from a window in the Oval Office. “Collecting urine in zero gravity isn’t something they teach you how to do at the schoolhouse, though. Things get— messy,” he said with a shudder. | Gaiser said the Executive Branch urinalysis event began when White House Chief of Staff Jeff Zients activated the alert roster via text at 0330, informing military and civilian staffers to arrive at the West Wing not later than 0500 for an “emergency accountability event.” While many of the civilians were surprised they were lured to the office under false pretenses, the servicemembers and veterans in the group came prepared in service specific PT gear. | Lt. Col. Sally Bowie, a White House military aide, laughed as she waited in line for her turn to pee. “An early morning text saying to be at work by 0500? This ain’t my first rodeo. I showed up with a full bladder and a 72-ounce coffee from the Wawa on H Street. Though I may have been a little overzealous,” she said, lowering her voice. “I hate to break it to the young lady that has to watch me fill this bad boy up, but I’ve got a little something extra brewing downstairs if you know what I mean.” | | “We’ve already caught someone with a rubber dong full of clean urine,” Sgt. Maj. Gaiser said as he supervised National Security Adviser Jake Sullivan as he applied a red tamper-evident seal to a bottle, signed it with a Sharpie marker, and placed it back in the box. “I put even odds on whether whatever drugs they found belonged to one of these twenty-something Georgetown interns or just fell out of Hunter Biden’s nose during his last visit.” | At press time, a young staffer carrying a gallon jug of water was explaining to Gaiser that, at the Dave Matthews concert he attended the night before, someone “may have smoked weed next to him.” |
|
