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USNA Personal Statement Help

#1
Hello everyone,
I am putting a package together for the Naval Academy and I was hoping some of you could help me out with my personal statement. Any grammer or context suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

Describe what led to your initial interest in the naval service and how the Naval Academy will help you achieve your long range goals, and
“You have to sprint to the fight!” This is a quote that my varsity football coach told us before every game; it lit a fire in me that would never allow me take the easy route in life. I was excited and motivated for the opportunities that followed graduating high school. I was set on joining the Navy and after speaking with the recruiters, it was clear that not only did it fit my morals and work ethic, but that I would constantly be pushed to improve myself in every aspect. It was the perfect path to my goal of being a highly respected leader that could make a difference.
After almost 3 years of being enlisted, I have experienced many things that I never thought I would go through. I have been led by all types of people, from the Air Force to civilians and it has given me time to realize that my leadership style would best serve the Navy as an officer. The Naval Academy is the perfect outlet for me to receive a top-tier education and gain unparalleled leadership qualities. It demands the best from each and every Midshipman that has walked through its halls, from induction day to the end of the students’ lives and I am ready to join the Naval Academy family.

Describe a personal experience you have had which you feel has contributed to your own character development and integrity.
It was March of 2012, and my division had just taken the final PRT to graduate boot camp. We had two sailors fail the run. They were emotionally crushed. We gathered as a division when we returned from the gym to discuss what could be done, after an hour yelling and beatings, our RDC’s approved our request for a retest.
It would start at 0400 the next day and I was chosen to be the only motivator on the track. We marched through the blizzard-like conditions that morning, knowing that these sailors had their careers on the line. They started the PRT strong, passing their push-ups and sit-ups, then came the run. At the starting line, we knew the amount of pressure we all felt. They pushed themselves through the first 11 laps, 1 sailor had passed but the other remained on the track. He had 200 meters to go and he was at his breaking point, every few steps he collapsed but kept moving forward, I screamed whatever I could to motivate him until we finally crossed the finish line.
He passed by 4 seconds. I felt something that I hadn’t felt before; I knew that we passed as a team. If he had failed, the entire division would have failed with him. We had gone through the lows and highs of boot camp together, and it truly became “one team, one fight”. This short 30 minute PRT is still one of the most defining moments in my Navy career. It showed me what it means to be a part of the Navy Family; we keep each other afloat and sink together just the same.
 

Steve Wilkins

Teaching pigs to dance, one pig at a time.
None
Site Admin
Contributor
#3
I think you are writing what you think they want to hear. There's no emotion in your writing. No passion. Not to mention, your mechanics are all over the place.
 

samguitar

Flying a desk.
pilot
#4
Are they supposed to be this short? If so, fine, but these questions could be treated more thoroughly.

1st essay: I don't think you answered the question, which is essentially, "Why do you want to go to USNA and become a naval officer?" You answered, "I want to go the Naval Academy and become a 'highly respected leader that could make a difference.'" Yeah, but...why? That goal is too vague.

2nd essay: You spent most of the essay on the blow-by-blow description of events. As impactful as this experience was for you, it's a common one. Your readers could read a one sentence description of the same event and understand it just as well. They are not going to be riveted and awed by your masterful storytelling.

Recommendation: Give the admissions folks some actual insight into your thought processes and motivations. More substance, less style.

These application/interview questions all tend to follow the same basic arc. What you need to do is tie together 3 things: Your history, the institution's resources, and the future state of your life you envision after graduating from the institution. In other words, you have a goal, you have already taken actions toward that goal, the institution has specific attributes which will bring you closer to that goal, and then paint a picture of what it will look like when you are achieving that goal after graduation. Be specific, individual, and candid.
 
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