Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

[romoth]

Good Morning,

Just looking for a quick overview of what ive got so far and some ideas on how it sounds. Its at 480 words I am a non prior applying for SNA SFO. I know i need to elaborate on my leadership but im having trouble getting it to sound right.

Beginning in the Civil War and continuing through both World War II and the Vietnam War, the Harrell family has proudly served in the armed forces. Brought up within the framework of such an unfaltering dedication to service, joining the United States Military has always been a goal of mine, Now that I have graduated with a degree in International Business, it is time for me to continue the long standing Harrell tradition of serving this country by undertaking the long and honorable road to becoming an officer in the United States Navy

Growing up near the Naval Air Station Corpus Christi inundated my childhood with not only the sights and sounds of Naval aircrafts and the ocean itself, but also ensured that many of my peers were the children of distinguished Naval Officers which allowed me immeasurable hours of one-on-one time with role models molded by the US Navy. It is within this setting that my interest in Naval aviation, and my admiration for the Navy, was flourished into a lifelong passion.


Along with fostering a deep appreciation for the Navy, from my youth I have been encouraged to be a go-getter. I have always found interest in self-learning and been able to learn and accomplish anything I set my mind to. I took an interest in mechanics and taught myself car and motorcycle maintenance and repair so well that I rebuilt a 1975 KZ400 motorcycle, which has since afforded me an understanding of complex mechanical problems; I was disenchanted by the lack of professional marketing in San Marcos, so I started and successfully operated a small marketing firm in San Marcos, San Marketing; and, tired of watching my friends and family struggle with the tribulations accompanying home maintenance, I taught myself to fix and enhance nearly all aspects of home care so well that my friends and family have learned to depend on my abilities to fix any problems that arise..


Undoubtedly being a Naval officer requires a certain skill set, leadership high in that list. Not only did I start my own business, but I have spent countless volunteer hours undertaking my responsibility of Lead Diver for the Texas River Alliance, guiding and training teams of divers to clean up the San Marcos River. Even the positions I have held throughout my jobs in and after college have required a large amount of leadership and responsibility. I was hired as lead in house marketer at both Which Wich and People’s Postal, and now I currently work as logistics manager and also as assistant estimator at M2 Federal, a job that also affords me the opportunity to work as Project Manager and Supervisor on our current projects. All of these jobs require an ability to perform quickly and well under high stress situations that require precise decision making, and that I understand complex interpersonal relations and engineering processes.

 

[clevy.clev]

Hey again, guys. It's been pretty quiet in here as of late, but hopefully those of us applying for commissions can be lucky enough to receive some much needed feedback on our motivational statements.

I posted mine about a week ago, and I've got an updated one which I'll post here, so any additional critiques would be much appreciated. Also, took the OAR today and cut a 60, which I'm happy enough with.

Without further ado...
-------------


I have a natural passion for leading and a desire to develop myself and my abilities. I see myself as a source of motivation for shipmates to accomplish personal goals and the Navy’s missions. I believe that my purpose lies in Naval leadership and decision-making, and that my civilian education, teaching experience, and enlisted experience will uniquely aid me in developing the technical and executive proficiencies and qualities expected of a Naval officer.


I have written countless academic and creative works, and have years of experience in sales and teaching with distinguished results. Where sales, teaching, and writing cross is at the essential ability to sell an idea and motivate others to action via effective communication. Being a linguist, I am well attuned to the effects of connotations of words and visual imagery as well as the linguistic techniques used to influence an audience; I possess a thorough command of verbal and written communication, a fundamental skill of any great leader.


Having worked with non-English speaking coworkers I have learnt the more improvisational aspects of leadership, such as delegation when being the only native speaker made me the de facto director of a project, or self-reliance when only I could complete the project at all. As an enlisted Sailor, I have sought challenges and utilized them as opportunities to further develop such skills, training and mentoring other Sailors and promoting a culture of excellence among peers. I believe that these experiences would serve well as a Naval Officer.

 

[Hopeful Hoya]

Just a warning: this is a very rough draft, so please be somewhat gentle with your feedback.

Since a young age, I have wanted to follow in my Grandfather's footsteps and become a naval officer. What most attracts me to the Navy as a whole is that, early on in your career, you are expected to be a leader. Compared to the corporate world, where you must first rise through the ranks before being given any sort of leadership role, from your first day in the fleet in the Navy you are expected to lead the men placed under you as an officer. Having the opportunity to lead right out of school, and the challenges associated with it, is something extremely appealing to me, and I believe that during my time at college I have demonstrated that I have the requisite skills necessary to excel in a leadership role. In my four years of being involved in Georgetown’s student-run investment fund, I rose from a brand-new analyst to become the Chief Investment Officer and then the Chief Executive Officer, despite having no prior finance experience. During my tenure as the CIO and CEO, our fund outperformed our benchmark of the S&P 500 by an average of 6%, and I oversaw the implementation of a brand new training program to better prepare our incoming analysts for our investment activities and financial analysis. In addition, I was elected as Vice President of Delta Phi Epsilon Professional Foreign Service Fraternity, despite having been a brother for only 6 months, because of my committment to the organization and my performance leading out Spring 2015 rush and pledging process. I believe that both cases illustrate not only my leadership potential, but also my dependability, as my peers choose to place such large responsibilities in my hands. Based on these experiences, I believe I am especially suited for service in the Navy, where officers are expected to be able to lead from day one.

The other aspect that attracts me to the Navy is the ability to conduct tactical flying. In other services, much of the flight operations are dedicated to transportation or support, whereas in the Navy almost every type of flying is of a tactical nature. Being able to help and support the sailors, Marines, and soldiers on the ground through air support, anti-submarine warfare, and rotary-wing operations is especially appealing to me, and I know that I am especially suited to military flight operations. Even though I may not have a traditional background because I went to a school without a NROTC program and majored in a non-technical field, I have always had an underlying curiosity for technology and flight. At age 8 I began teaching myself to fly high-fidelity civilian and military flight simulators, learning such techniques as navigation, instrument approaches, and the operation of complex aircraft subsystems. Eventually my flight simulators overwhelmed my family's dot-com era computer, and so at age 12 I taught myself to build my own computer from individual components that I selected, using money I had saved from my allowances and graduation gifts. I believe this interest in flight and technology, combined with my desire to lead, would make me an outstanding fit for the SNA and SNFO programs.

However, if the Navy does not feel that I am fit to serve in an aeronautical role, I still have an overwhelming desire to serve my country, which is why I believe I would also be an excellent fit for the SWO program. I believe that many of the same traits that make me such a good for for aeronautical programs: my love of machienry, having the opportunity and responsibility to lead from a young age, and my desire to be able to support sailors, Marines, and soldiers in the work they do in the air, on the seas, and on land, would also translate into being a great Surface Warfare Officer. I would like the thank the Board for their consideration, and I hope that they are willing to afford me the opportunity to follow my dream and serve as a Naval Officer.

 

[Tgalvin30]

(My 2 cents) I thought it was a very motivating and genuine statement. I got a sense of who you are and what you want to accomplish. I would however, recommend spacing out some of your ideas by using additional paragraphs (I.e. your intro can be broken into two). Here are two grammatical errors I caught..

[Both in the last paragraph]
1. "I believe that many of the same traits that make me such a good for for aeronautical programs"
2. "I would like the thank the Board for their consideration"

Overall I thought it was great.. Best of luck, and with your scores I'm sure you'll have no problem getting picked up.

Just a warning: this is a very rough draft, so please be somewhat gentle with your feedback.

Since a young age, I have wanted to follow in my Grandfather's footsteps and become a naval officer. What most attracts me to the Navy as a whole is that, early on in your career, you are expected to be a leader. Compared to the corporate world, where you must first rise through the ranks before being given any sort of leadership role, from your first day in the fleet in the Navy you are expected to lead the men placed under you as an officer. Having the opportunity to lead right out of school, and the challenges associated with it, is something extremely appealing to me, and I believe that during my time at college I have demonstrated that I have the requisite skills necessary to excel in a leadership role. In my four years of being involved in Georgetown’s student-run investment fund, I rose from a brand-new analyst to become the Chief Investment Officer and then the Chief Executive Officer, despite having no prior finance experience. During my tenure as the CIO and CEO, our fund outperformed our benchmark of the S&P 500 by an average of 6%, and I oversaw the implementation of a brand new training program to better prepare our incoming analysts for our investment activities and financial analysis. In addition, I was elected as Vice President of Delta Phi Epsilon Professional Foreign Service Fraternity, despite having been a brother for only 6 months, because of my committment to the organization and my performance leading out Spring 2015 rush and pledging process. I believe that both cases illustrate not only my leadership potential, but also my dependability, as my peers choose to place such large responsibilities in my hands. Based on these experiences, I believe I am especially suited for service in the Navy, where officers are expected to be able to lead from day one.

The other aspect that attracts me to the Navy is the ability to conduct tactical flying. In other services, much of the flight operations are dedicated to transportation or support, whereas in the Navy almost every type of flying is of a tactical nature. Being able to help and support the sailors, Marines, and soldiers on the ground through air support, anti-submarine warfare, and rotary-wing operations is especially appealing to me, and I know that I am especially suited to military flight operations. Even though I may not have a traditional background because I went to a school without a NROTC program and majored in a non-technical field, I have always had an underlying curiosity for technology and flight. At age 8 I began teaching myself to fly high-fidelity civilian and military flight simulators, learning such techniques as navigation, instrument approaches, and the operation of complex aircraft subsystems. Eventually my flight simulators overwhelmed my family's dot-com era computer, and so at age 12 I taught myself to build my own computer from individual components that I selected, using money I had saved from my allowances and graduation gifts. I believe this interest in flight and technology, combined with my desire to lead, would make me an outstanding fit for the SNA and SNFO programs.

However, if the Navy does not feel that I am fit to serve in an aeronautical role, I still have an overwhelming desire to serve my country, which is why I believe I would also be an excellent fit for the SWO program. I believe that many of the same traits that make me such a good for for aeronautical programs: my love of machienry, having the opportunity and responsibility to lead from a young age, and my desire to be able to support sailors, Marines, and soldiers in the work they do in the air, on the seas, and on land, would also translate into being a great Surface Warfare Officer. I would like the thank the Board for their consideration, and I hope that they are willing to afford me the opportunity to follow my dream and serve as a Naval Officer.

 

[Hopeful Hoya]

(My 2 cents) I thought it was a very motivating and genuine statement. I got a sense of who you are and what you want to accomplish. I would however, recommend spacing out some of your ideas by using additional paragraphs (I.e. your intro can be broken into two). Here are two grammatical errors I caught..

[Both in the last paragraph]
1. "I believe that many of the same traits that make me such a good for for aeronautical programs"
2. "I would like the thank the Board for their consideration"

Overall I thought it was great.. Best of luck, and with your scores I'm sure you'll have no problem getting picked up.

Awesome, thank you for the feedback. I decided to split up the first paragraph at "Having the opportunity...", and I fixed the grammatical errors you found as well as a few others. Like I said, very early draft.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Awesome, thank you for the feedback. I decided to split up the first paragraph at "Having the opportunity...", and I fixed the grammatical errors you found as well as a few others. Like I said, very early draft.

you have 9's on your PFAR and AQR, so don't be too concerned about your statement, I had several picked up for SNA that had one paragraph statements, one guy were were putting it together last minute, his statement was like 3 lines, it said something like how since he was a kid he wanted to fly for the USN like some relative or something, the higher your score the less concerned you need to be. The 3 line guy was picked up when there was about a 50% select rate.

If it wasn't for the risk of being given a N for being cocky I would like to see what would happen if a guy with a 9 for PFAR would but in his statement "I let my PFAR score speak for me"

 

[romoth]

Here's my final draft hopefully getting it turned in by the end of the week. Thoughts?
Reason for Applying and Personal and Professional Goals

Beginning in the Civil War and through World War II and the Vietnam conflict, the Harrell family has proudly served in the armed forces. Growing up near the Naval Air Station in Corpus Christi with the smell of the ocean and the roar of the naval aircrafts flying overhead further motivated my desire to become a pilot in the United States Navy. Many of my peers were the children of distinguished naval officers. They spent countless hours with me throughout my childhood teaching me through their conduct the meaning of the words: integrity, honor, service, and loyalty, and encouraging me to pursue my interest in naval aviation. Over the years, my desire to become a Navy pilot has grown and now that I have graduated from college, I am ready to commit my future to the Navy.

Strengths and Personal Characteristics Valuable to the Navy

Cultivating a go-getter” attitude in my youth, I learned that with hard work, resolve, and persistence, I master most challenges. When I was sixteen, I became interested in vehicle mechanics and repairs. At twenty on my own, I rebuilt a 1975 Kawasaki motorcycle and have since personally repaired and maintained my cars and motorcycles. Out of necessity, while in college I taught myself how to do home repairs and home improvements. As a result, my family and friends have come to depend on me not only to help fix their vehicles, but also to help with various home improvement projects. Fortunately, mechanics, engineering, creativity, and high standards are all important facets of my personality.

Undoubtedly, being a naval officer requires leadership, self-motivation, and discipline. Disenchanted with the lack of professional marketing in San Marcos, Texas, I started and successfully operated a small, local marketing firm when I was a sophomore at Texas State University. Operating my own business taught me the value of honoring my word and contracts to all of my clients. During college, I volunteered as the Lead Diver for the Texas River Alliance, guiding and training teams of divers to clean up the San Marcos River. I also held positions in the work force that required leadership skills. At Which Wich and People’s Postal, I worked as the lead in-house marketer charged with creating implementing and managing a variety of marketing campaigns. Currently, I am the logistics manager at M2 Federal, a company specializing in construction of government projects. As the logistics manager, I am in charge of coordinating resources and equipment to multiple job sites making sure that each supervisor has what they need to get the job done .The President is a retired Marine Lt. Colonel who regularly assigns me to serve as the Supervisor on projects. He observed that I have the ability to quickly, safely, and accurately problem-solve and troubleshoot and has entrusted me with the management of some projects, workers. Such as recently overseeing the set up of our new storage facility including the management of transferring and organizing our equipment and construction material to that new facility Each day comes with its own problems, and each day I find solutions to complete the work properly, within budget, and on time.

The experiences and skills that form my core will contribute to my ability to train and succeed in the Navy’s aviation school and to serve our nation honorably. I am eager to begin this next chapter in my life.

 

[NathanSmart]

Posted for new page, would really like to get some feedback. Going for SWO whenever board meets again.

I was born in a small town to a single mother and lacked a stable father figure growing up. To supplement this void I turned to reading and absorbed many tales of high adventure and travel. I particularly enjoyed Treasure Island and the relationship between Long John Silver and the main character Jim Hawkings. As I grew older I discarded fiction and turned to more historic books to supplement my absence. I especially began at this time to obsessively read about great soldiers and generals whose lasting legacy was written down for future generations. Themistocles, Alexander, Pyrrhus, Caesar, and Napoleon were all figures I looked up to and admired. Later in life I gained a stepfather who proved vital and essential to my upbringing and allowed me to distance myself from my earlier heroes and judge them from a more critical distance. It was at this point I greatly fell in love with naval history and naval warfare. Reading about Admiral Nelson’s exploits at Trafalgar was vital to my formative years. I took this love of history to college where I graduated with a Bachelors of Arts in History from Missouri Western State University.

I desire to join the Navy because it has core values that I consider to be vital for a career. Those values are a strong sense of purpose and drive, as well as strong family values and a merit culture wherein natural leaders advance and rise through the ranks. Above all the Navy, more than any of the other branches of the military, seems like a place where camaraderie and honor are highly valued. I desire to get to know and learn from the other sailors, to have more experiences that will help me grow and challenge myself to constantly improve. I want to live a life like those I have read in books and at the same time have responsibility and command that only a select few will manage to achieve.

Leadership is the most important quality for any officer and I am qualified to assume this privilege. In preparation for this career I have assumed various positions of leadership throughout my life. At my job through the school library I was able to rise through the ranks and gain responsibility and authority over others. During the summers I helped direct and plan the projects that needed to be completed which were highly stressful and demanding. In karate I help younger students by setting a good example and being a role model. This includes assisting the sensei in an after school program which highlights successful strategies for teenagers. In addition to being a full time student in college, and at times working two jobs, I was nominated to become a member of our chapter history fraternity Phi Alpha Theta, where I was then elected vice-president. My duties were to help run necessary operations in the organization; direct and manage our chapter treasurer and secretary, and plan events and programs for current and future members.

I am also driven to intellectual pursuits and am diligent in my perseverance to acquire knowledge. When studying for the OAR I threw myself into the process and through hard work and perseverance I was able to improve my math skills and obtain a basic knowledge of physics and engineering I never had before and which I hope to continue study of. I read voraciously and am always looking to expand and improve my knowledge base. Currently I am studying and learning the Russian language and am making excellent progress. I am looking forward to expand my nautical knowledge and am very confident I will succeed and come out on top of whatever challenge awaits me.

My communication skills are also exemplary and would be a great asset as a Naval Officer. Working at the library and other various customer service related jobs I have excellent interpersonal skills and am able to connect with others on a personal and professional level. Volunteering at the National World War I Museum and Memorial where I repeatedly and frequently interact with the public has only strengthened these qualities. Communication is a vital part of not only the military but in every aspect of life especially in roles pertaining to leadership.

It is a common question to ask where one sees themselves five to ten years from now? My answer to this query is I see myself serving in the greatest Navy in the world, serving alongside and commanding some of the best and brightest citizens in this country. I see myself bearing responsibility and leading from the front, upholding Admiral Nelson’s final order to his men in which he states “Everyman is expected to do his duty.” I see myself accomplishing goals and missions in service of and from the help of this service. I see myself as a sailor in the United States Navy.

 

[JohnH]

This is mine. I am primarily looking for a content review. I have English teachers/majors ripping it apart for grammar.

Thanks in advance!

I hold my country and the ideals of the Constitution in the highest esteem and only desire to serve my country and to labor in making it better. I have already made the commitment to serve and to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States. In doing so I have become a Non Commissioned Officer in the United States Army. The primary reason I seek to commission in the United States Navy is in acknowledgement of the fact that leadership is Influence. I seek to influence people in a positive manner and to provide a haven for growth and development, not just as sailors or soldiers, but as professionals, Americans, and as humans. As a Naval Officer I will be able to have a wider reaching impact and help set future generations on the path to keep America Strong.

I am a trained Intelligence Analyst with five and a half years of experience. I have experience that ranges from Tactical to Theater level commands and have produced hundreds of intelligence products that have been used in military planning at the Battalion level in Afghanistan, to products that were briefed to the Commanders of US Forces Korea. My competence as an analyst has twice been awarded with Impact Army Achievement Medals and saw me promoted to Sergeant in less than 3 years in the Army. I am skilled with a number of Intelligence systems and platforms including Distributed Common ground System (DCGS), Palantir, and Falconview to name a few. I am also familiar with many Information, Surveillance, and Reconnaissance (ISR) Assets and capabilities. I seek to bring my experience and knowledge to the US Navy as an officer, to enhance my skill set, and to continue to provide the highest quality products for the security of this nation.

I have understanding of and experience in leadership. I have been called a natural leader and have developed that natural trait through school and through the Army. My degree may be considered soft to the Navy’s expectation but where it lacked sciences and mathematics it picked up courses on leadership, planning, administration, management, and critical thinking. The Army gave me an arena in which to practice and hone those skills then developed them further with NCO Professional Development School, the Leadership Training Program, and most importantly practical hands on experience. I have consistently held positions above my paygrade based on leadership potential and experience.

Becoming an officer in the US Navy will give me the chance to operate fully in my natural gifts and abilities. It will allow me to thrive and to develop further than possible as an enlisted soldier in leadership and technical proficiency. I am excited about the possibility of serving my country as a Naval Officer. If selected I will continue to provide my best and I will become a truly outstanding Officer.

 

[Tjd448]

Do your worst! Lol. Thanks in advance everyone!

Personal statement

They say everyone has a true calling in life, something that they were born to do. Since a young age, I have known I wanted to serve our country and protect the rights and freedoms that others have fought to protect before me. Not only that, but I wanted to lead others in the fight to protect the United States.

Throughout my life thus far, I have had many experiences that have inspired me to become an officer in the United States Navy. As a kid, I was told stories from my grandfather and his brother about their experiences in the Navy, as a petty officer second class and a lieutenant, respectively. In addition to their stories, we also visited a couple of decommissioned naval vessels, the USS Torsk in Baltimore and the USS North Carolina in Wilmington. When I was ten years old, I stepped foot onto that battleship and I was amazed and awestruck by the entire ship. At that moment, I knew one day I wanted to be a part on our country’s navy.

When I started college, I knew I had to get more than a degree in order to make this dream a reality. I took on jobs and as many leadership roles as I could. I wanted to created a solid leadership foundation that could be further built upon by the Navy. In multiple classes with group projects, I performed the role of the team leader., I was elected to my fraternity’s executive board as the judicial head, and was also appointed to various other committee head positions including new member educator. These positions gave me the opportunity to lead a group and begin honing my leadership skills. From delegating tasks to teaching new members, I have learned a lot about what it means to truly be a leader. Being a leader is not just about being the person who gives directions or makes the final decisions. While those are requirements of the job, leadership requires more. Most importantly it requires you to motivate your team members to want to succeed. Leadership requires breaking down the challenges you faced, reaching your followers on a core level, and inspiring them to overcome anything.

Leadership roles have always been enticing to me because they have allowed me to constantly challenge myself in new ways. Challenging myself and pushing my comfort zones haves made me learn and grow into the person I am today. There are few things in this world as challenging as that of the job of a naval officer. Every day will offer a new lesson or opportunity to test myself, and ultimately develop into a stronger, smarter, and more capable person.

Arguably one of the most challenging communities in the US Navy is aviation. In addition to the challenges I will face, I am also drawn to this community because of my passion for flight. Flight has fascinated me since an early age, so in college I decided to study aerospace engineering with a focus on the aeronautical track. My courses only further fanned the flames of my passion for flight and have given me the opportunity to take a ground school class. But passion alone does not make an exceptional aviator. In addition to my strong passion and of course the Navy's flight training, my fast decision making, quick learning, excellent spatial awareness and coordination will help me become one of the world’s best aviators.

I look forward to what the Navy has in store for my future and am excited for all the possibilities to come. I'd like to thank the board members for your time, consideration, and service to our country.

Very respectfully,
...

 

[WxCPO]

I know there is copious amounts of knowledge and experience lurking behind the cyber-curtain of this thread. Please be candid as all constructive criticism is welcomed. I appreciate you taking the time to help others and myself reach goals!

Personal Statement:

As a young man, I joined the Navy with little direction and in need of much mentorship and, as the Navy often does, I was provided with leaders that adjusted my course and set me to sail. I will forever be indebted to the Navy for the Officers it had lead me - because of that - I have accomplished much on this journey and the Navy has instilled in me the desire for continued growth, holistic development, and to always seek greater challenges. Obtaining a Naval Commission is the next step in defining my success as a Sailor and the platform in which I desire to mold the future and to pay forward that in which I was given. Though I’m forever honored to serve in the Chief’s Mess, I feel my Naval expertise, experience, knowledge, and leadership would be a fine addition to the Navy’s Wardroom.
My personal and professional goals begin and end with my family. To provide the best possible quality of life for them and to show that regardless of your beginnings - with hard work and dedication – all is possible. As a Naval Officer, I will be the leader who provides guidance for mission effectiveness and accomplishment. I will not quit nor waiver in the face of adversity, and will always accept and thrive on greater responsibility. I will have the intestinal fortitude to overcome any challenge while displaying the character needed of a Naval Officer. As a member of the Information Dominance community, I have gained experience across multiple disciplines. I’ve spent five years in a SPECWAR Intelligence shop, deployed as Joint Special Operations Staff and been versed in the sciences of data collection and the environment. Therefore, once Commissioned, the Navy could best utilize my skills, expertise, and perspective to help benefit the Intelligence community. However, my experiences in expeditionary data collection and vast knowledge of the environment will also enhance the Information Warfare and Oceanography specialties.
My ability to lead and adapt are my greatest strengths and are key attributes all Naval Officers must possess. I embrace change as it fosters forward thinking and allows for continued refinement. If given the chance to lead as a Naval Officer I would perform those duties with the utmost respect, integrity, and confidence while carrying myself with the pride that is deserving of 240 years of United States Naval excellence.

 

[Skywalker]

How vital is it that the motivational statement remain around 400 words, if it fits on the page provided? Mine came out to be about 540.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

How vital is it that the motivational statement remain around 400 words, if it fits on the page provided? Mine came out to be about 540.

There is no word limit, it is "visible area"

 

[Wolery David O]

Good Morning,

This is my Statement. It fits in the fillable PDF and I am looking to try and downsize/improve it.

My questions are: As Active Duty does anyone think that I should focus on my Leadership or Reasons why I want a commission?
Should I do Typical Navy Eval writing, E.I, Powerful words backed with even more powerful adjectives?
Or give proof of the Leadership backed with numbers and events?

If you are up for a long read I posted my Old and New statement.

My Statement thus far:

The Navy has provided me with many challenges in my eight years as an Operation Specialist, including being deployed four times in five years and as part of many Operations. During challenging times some people can lose motivation due to stress or lack of direction. I do not. I embrace these types of challenges. On several occasions as a watch and work-center supervisor I have found myself in difficult situations or been given complicated tasks with little to no guidance. I know firsthand that the key to a successful team is to maintain a positive attitude while being resourceful and innovative. I believe these are key attributes of a successful leader.

As a recruiter, I’ve had to step out of my comfort zone and adapt to independent duty. I have done so while conducting seminars, school presentations and spreading Navy awareness amongst the community. I have shown my determination to succeed in all aspects of Naval service by successfully leading and mentoring 42 highly qualified future sailors in to the US Navy.

I have a passion for physical fitness. I believe that the ability to balance a competitive spirit along with selfless teamwork is essential for a leader. I have played and coached rugby for 14 years. I stay active and healthy by being a member and team captain on club basketball, softball and soccer teams year round. I also participated with team NRD Portland in the Hood to Coast Relay which is one of the longest relay races in the world. Our team ran a total of 192 miles in two days.

My life experiences have provided me with the wisdom and leadership to successfully lead, mentor, and care for my shipmates. I am confident in my ability to be decisive, loyal, and resilient in all aspects of leadership. A Navy commission has been both a professional goal and personal dream. I yearn to lead and make a difference. My determination to become a Commissioned Officer and a part of the Supply Corps is resolute. As a Naval officer I want the opportunity to go beyond the walls of the Combat Information Center and work alongside the best, learn from the best and lead the best. I AM READY TO LEAD!

MY OLD STATEMENT

I am applying for a commission because I want to make a difference. I want to lead and pass on the wisdom of my past experiences in life, and as a Petty Officer in the US Navy. I am a loyal, tactful leader backed with integrity, and honor. I aggressively strive to accomplish all orders, challenges, and assignments with sound discipline, accountability, and a detailed oriented work style.

Attitude and experience. The Navy has been good at offering up its share of challenges. Often a team will fail because they cannot see the positive in every challenge. I am optimistic and calm under pressure; I believe those to be necessities of a Naval Officer. On several occasions, I have been in situations, or given difficult tasking with little to no guidance. My positive attitude, resourcefulness, and effective problem solving strategies have often resulted in the success of the team. I believe the experience I have pro-actively dealing with stress, and making decisions under pressure, will be of immense value to the US Navy as a Commissioned Officer.

I am driven by an uncanny determination to achieve a professional goal, and more importantly, my personal dream to lead men and women as a Commissioned Officer in the United States Navy. My desire is resolute and true. I am confident in my ability to be decisive, loyal, and resilient in all aspects of leadership. SELECT ME, utilize my skills and dedication as a Commissioned Officer.

Please leave feedback, I beg!

 

[Wolery David O]

I know there is copious amounts of knowledge and experience lurking behind the cyber-curtain of this thread. Please be candid as all constructive criticism is welcomed. I appreciate you taking the time to help others and myself reach goals!

Personal Statement:

As a young man, I joined the Navy with little direction and in need of much mentorship and, as the Navy often does, I was provided with leaders that adjusted my course and set me to sail. I will forever be indebted to the Navy for the Officers it had lead me - because of that - I have accomplished much on this journey and the Navy has instilled in me the desire for continued growth, holistic development, and to always seek greater challenges. Obtaining a Naval Commission is the next step in defining my success as a Sailor and the platform in which I desire to mold the future and to pay forward that in which I was given. Though I’m forever honored to serve in the Chief’s Mess, I feel my Naval expertise, experience, knowledge, and leadership would be a fine addition to the Navy’s Wardroom.
My personal and professional goals begin and end with my family. To provide the best possible quality of life for them and to show that regardless of your beginnings - with hard work and dedication – all is possible. As a Naval Officer, I will be the leader who provides guidance for mission effectiveness and accomplishment. I will not quit nor waiver in the face of adversity, and will always accept and thrive on greater responsibility. I will have the intestinal fortitude to overcome any challenge while displaying the character needed of a Naval Officer. As a member of the Information Dominance community, I have gained experience across multiple disciplines. I’ve spent five years in a SPECWAR Intelligence shop, deployed as Joint Special Operations Staff and been versed in the sciences of data collection and the environment. Therefore, once Commissioned, the Navy could best utilize my skills, expertise, and perspective to help benefit the Intelligence community. However, my experiences in expeditionary data collection and vast knowledge of the environment will also enhance the Information Warfare and Oceanography specialties.
My ability to lead and adapt are my greatest strengths and are key attributes all Naval Officers must possess. I embrace change as it fosters forward thinking and allows for continued refinement. If given the chance to lead as a Naval Officer I would perform those duties with the utmost respect, integrity, and confidence while carrying myself with the pride that is deserving of 240 years of United States Naval excellence.

Chief,

I loved this statement! Not to sound cheesy, but I could feel the Honesty. I felt you wrote it with blood swear and tears. Very good statement!