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NFO student trying to convince spouse of jets

J

Johnny25

New Member
Ladies & Gentlemen-

Looking for a little advice...I am a former nuke machinist mate with two deployments on a carrier. I personally loved the carrier when I was single but understand how it might pose problems to those with family.

My situation has since changed as I am now a SNFO through the STA-21 program trying to decide on a platform. I personally want jets, but my new spouse is convinced (mostly by other spouses and hearsay) that P-3's or other land based ops are better for the family life.

I am personally driven to want to do my best and excel in a platform like Growlers or Hornets, but how can I convince my wife likewise? Looking for some advice from the married folk who have been through workups/deployments as a jet NFO.

Thanks
 
ea6bflyr

ea6bflyr

Working Class Bum
None
Super Moderator
Contributor
This has been discussed before in another thread.

Whether you go jets or maritime, you will be "gone" for more than 50% of the time during your JO tour. The choice to go Jets or Maritime is ultimately the Navy's; you've heard the term "Needs of the Navy", Right? I've known several people that did not get their first choice and ended up in Jets (or conversely, in Props). While you get to submit a dream sheet, the Navy will place you where they need you.

You will get family time where ever you go. Don't be that bitter JO stuck in a platform he/she did not want; do what you think you will enjoy.

-ea6bflyr ;)
 
villanelle

villanelle

Nihongo dame desu
Contributor
In theory, I'm all for career decisions being family decisions, since it does affect everyone. But in reality, what she's asking you to do in no way guarantees (or even comes close to guaranteeing) that she'll get the outcome she's looking for. So she's asking you to sacrifice what you want to do with your career, and make a huge decision that will literally affect every day of your professional career for as long as you are in the Navy, for a chance that maybe you'll be gone a tiny little bit less. Is 7 months away in a year instead of 8 really worth that sacrifice to you? And would it be to her if she was making a decision from a rational, empathetic place, rather than one over fear about the unknown misery of deployments?

If she's this concerned already about time away--to the point that she wants to manage your career based on trying to *maybe* ever-so-slightly minimize a situation which is unavoidable-- I think it is time to gently sit her down and have a chat about so many things in your life are about to be beyond your control. Your collective world is about to be subject the the frequent and often cruel whims of the entity that is the Navy. This level of concern over deployments and of desire to control things would be setting off all sorts of alarm bells were I you.

After the talk about how she really needs to be prepared for this roller coaster, I'd later talk to her about the fact that your research tells you that there is no guarantee at all that one community will have you home more than another, and that given that, you hope she can support your dream of at least trying for the career path you think will be most satisfying, given that the decision for what you put on your wish list may (*may*) affect how you spend 80 hours week for the next X years of your life. Tell her that you completely understand her fears about you being gone a lot (most women like it when you do this validation shit) and that you worry about it too, and that you'll do everything you can to help her prepare for the time apart, but (only don't say the word "but" because when one is sensitive, that can sound contrarian or dismissive) that regardless of community, this is going to happen. And there's nothing you can do to game that system, and to try to do so will not only mean sacrificing trying for your dream, but can also come back to bite you in the ass, when you become the P-3 guy who deploys more than any P-3 guy in the history of p-3s.

Then tell her to go to the fridge and grab you a beer, and make your dinner.
 
jollygreen07

jollygreen07

Professional (?) Flight Instructor
pilot
Contributor
I fly E-6Bs, which is supposed to be the most "family friendly" community in the Navy. I am gone all the time and my wife hates it. YMMV, but I cannot echo the above enough. Villanelle hit the nail on the head. Don't build ANY community up as a place where the homelife will be awesome. You will be gone all the time and if you are making your decision based on what is going to keep you home the most, DOR and work at Wendy's.
 
M

MasterBates

Well-Known Member
bunk22 said:
This. What I hear is the crack of a whip. Do what you want, it's your career. If she doesn't like it, well, you know...
Click to expand...

The sooner you fire her, the less (possibly none) of your retirement/assets she gets. Just saying.

In my JADED experience, if they are whining about pipeline now, they will whine about "I heard that the Skinny Dragons are gone less than the Flying Thunderpigs, you need to go there because my SNFO Wife friend heard from a cousin, who dated an AO3 there 10 years ago" and then your det "Why is Damage INC gone more than the Weed Whackers" and so forth.

In my experience, nothing causes more misery in a marriage than a "Friend" of the spouse that thinks she knows it all about deployment/the Navy/being an Officer and a wife that listens to her for whatever reason. (Prior Enlisted guys spouse, even if she was not around when he last deployed, Navy Brat who was too small to really remember Dad's career choices/when he was gone)

Just my experience, yours may be better. It could also be worse.
 
wink

wink

War Hoover NFO.
None
Super Moderator
Contributor
What villanelle said. Regardless of how the talk goes, reread carefully the post about needs of the Navy. As a prior, I know you are familiar with that. Consider, she doesn't see your dream sheet. WHATEVER happens, you just claim it was the needs of the Navy and out of your control. That would be the truth. She is a nugget too. Give her a chance.
 
CommodoreMid

CommodoreMid

Whateva! I do what I want!
None
Super Moderator
Contributor
Ditto on there's no such thing as a "family friendly" community in aviation. While it's true that at the end of the day we in the P-3 community don't have to go to the boat for weeks at a time for quals (ie we can get home at night), it's not like you aren't going to work ridiculous hours, weekends, in this community. I say this even coming from a squadron that has done a very good job IMO of managing personal time for aircrew this home cycle. You also have to consider dets, augments, etc. We had a crew gone for almost 2 months in Italy supporting Libya ops, not to mention individual guys being sent over for months at a time to help out squadrons on deployment. We also do dets (albeit very good deal ones, woot!) that involve 3-4 weeks of overseas time as well for exercises. So during your 12 months at "home" before your 6 months of deployment you could potentially be gone for several of those depending on luck. Ergo, not "family friendly."
 
villanelle

villanelle

Nihongo dame desu
Contributor
C420sailor said:
Put jets first on your dreamsheet. Tell your wife you put P-3s first. "Aw shit, looks like the Navy needs jet guys. Sorry babe!"

Relationships are based upon lies anyway.
Click to expand...

I don't know if the 2 posts suggesting this were at least partly tongue in check, but don't do this. It's just kicking the can a little further down the road. Sure, it may get you what you want this time and she may be none the wiser, but it doesn't deal with the fact that she's not fully on board with your career and your choices. That will bite you in the ass someday. Better now than later, when it's had more time to fester and get really ugly.

You have a chance now to make sure the wife is ready for what is to come, and supportive and understanding of the way life is going to be and the kind of choices you may want to make down the road if you make a career of this. If you forfeit that chance by choosing the easy lie, then you have the same problem when you want to go to the FRS and she wants you to pick mellow ROTC orders, or when you want a disassociated boat job and she wants you to pick that random opening they have for a glorified admin bitch at the base next to where her mom lives, or when you want to try to go FDNF and she wants nothing to do with Japan. Or, for that matter, when you want (and kind of "need") to go on the squadron Vegas X for the weekend, and she wants you home getting new tires put on her car and taking Junior to his Ballet for Boys class. For all those, the lies aren't quite so easy as a fib about what went on your dream sheet, so fix the problem now, even if it is more unpleasant in the short term.
 
ChunksJR

ChunksJR

Retired.
pilot
Contributor
I'm kinda raising the BS flag: You know what happened to the other MMs when you deployed...well it can happen to you if you don't watch yo a$$.

Bottom Line: Do your best. The Navy has a way of picking your career for you, despite you or your wife's plans. There may not be a P-3 slot available when you wing. There may not be a jet slot available when you wing. It's a crapshoot and you'll be gone when you're gone, no matter what you choose.
 
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