The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces
(Snake Model)
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake
Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of
Operations or A Diversified Approach to Military
Operations:
Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more
snakes.
Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates
to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for
refuel, crew rest and manicures.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On
Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades
in support. Kills several hundred civilians as
unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a
success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics
and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all
State Department directives and Theater Commander
Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and
winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other
snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth
doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual
about how to defeat snake using countermobility
assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't
understand how to properly conduct doctrinal
counter-snake ops.
Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval
gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake
bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes
fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist
snakes.
Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types
of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate
Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the
most cost-effective means of anti-snake force
projection.
Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for
souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US
forces from Area of Operations.
Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter,
then works feverishly to save snake's life.
Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on
backorder.)
Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake
equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster
bombs, and misses target due to weather.
AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes
don't show well on infra-red.
UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass
after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor
wash blows snake into the fire.
B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills
snake and every other living thing within two miles of
target.
Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in
20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from
National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35
indicators of snake activity are currently active. We
assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite,
citing grounds of professional courtesy.
CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while
slingloading anti-snake equiptment, pilot cuts
slingload. Slingload lands on snake and kills it. Crew
cheif uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.
Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to
pick up chicks.
Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not
moving in a straight line.
Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in
support of anti-snake missions, accidentally
electrocuted snake in the process.
Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for
plans on improving flood plain, cant do it because
snake is on the endangered species list.
Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food
poisoning.
VALION310 OWN ANTI-SNAKE OPERATIONAL REVIEW:
Carrier Battle Group: Launches autonomis Alpha Strike
in support of NATO Anti-snake Peace Keeping efforts,
kills snake and destroyes all foreign embassies in
Area of Operation. (Primarily the Chinese embassy)
Commander in Chief: Still trying to figure how to
spell 'snake'.
Naval Enlisted Ground Crews: Invites snake over for
beer, WWF, and cookouts. Gets snake drunk then takes
snake root'n in their trucks. Gets all trucks stuck,
kills snake and cooks it over the fire while drinking
more beer.
Air Force Enlisted: Invites snake over to have their
hair done at the beauty salon.
Army Enlisted: Still trying to figure out how to pick
their nose, asks snake how to do it.
Marine Enlisted: Conducts full scale Anphibious
Landing on snake, gets all landing craft stuck on
surrounding reef's and asks the Navy for help.
Barracks Rats: Tries to figure out how to get snake to
enlist, then conducts Marrige Ops against snake to
then leave and take all of the snakes money.
Joint Chiefs of Staff: Sits at the National Command
Authority round table and arm wrestles on who's
service is better, invites snake for after noon golf.
Briefs Commander and Chief on how to spell 'snake'.
Last Commander and Chief (Slick Willy): Tries to
figure out how to hook up with snakes sister while not
letting his wife know, hooks up with snakes sister,
gets caught and denies all involvement with snake or
his sister. Orders Carrier Battle Group to launch
Alpha Strikes against snake to cover up any evidence.
To be containued...
Edited by - Valion310 on 08/04/2002 22:34:54
(Snake Model)
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake
Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of
Operations or A Diversified Approach to Military
Operations:
Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more
snakes.
Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates
to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for
refuel, crew rest and manicures.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On
Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades
in support. Kills several hundred civilians as
unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a
success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics
and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all
State Department directives and Theater Commander
Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and
winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other
snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth
doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual
about how to defeat snake using countermobility
assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't
understand how to properly conduct doctrinal
counter-snake ops.
Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval
gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake
bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes
fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist
snakes.
Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types
of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate
Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the
most cost-effective means of anti-snake force
projection.
Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for
souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US
forces from Area of Operations.
Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter,
then works feverishly to save snake's life.
Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on
backorder.)
Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake
equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster
bombs, and misses target due to weather.
AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes
don't show well on infra-red.
UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass
after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor
wash blows snake into the fire.
B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills
snake and every other living thing within two miles of
target.
Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in
20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from
National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35
indicators of snake activity are currently active. We
assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite,
citing grounds of professional courtesy.
CH-47 Pilot: Slingleg breaks in flight while
slingloading anti-snake equiptment, pilot cuts
slingload. Slingload lands on snake and kills it. Crew
cheif uses dead snake to replace broken slingleg.
Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to
pick up chicks.
Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not
moving in a straight line.
Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in
support of anti-snake missions, accidentally
electrocuted snake in the process.
Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for
plans on improving flood plain, cant do it because
snake is on the endangered species list.
Cooks: Snake sneaks in chow hall. Snake dies of food
poisoning.
VALION310 OWN ANTI-SNAKE OPERATIONAL REVIEW:
Carrier Battle Group: Launches autonomis Alpha Strike
in support of NATO Anti-snake Peace Keeping efforts,
kills snake and destroyes all foreign embassies in
Area of Operation. (Primarily the Chinese embassy)
Commander in Chief: Still trying to figure how to
spell 'snake'.
Naval Enlisted Ground Crews: Invites snake over for
beer, WWF, and cookouts. Gets snake drunk then takes
snake root'n in their trucks. Gets all trucks stuck,
kills snake and cooks it over the fire while drinking
more beer.
Air Force Enlisted: Invites snake over to have their
hair done at the beauty salon.
Army Enlisted: Still trying to figure out how to pick
their nose, asks snake how to do it.
Marine Enlisted: Conducts full scale Anphibious
Landing on snake, gets all landing craft stuck on
surrounding reef's and asks the Navy for help.
Barracks Rats: Tries to figure out how to get snake to
enlist, then conducts Marrige Ops against snake to
then leave and take all of the snakes money.
Joint Chiefs of Staff: Sits at the National Command
Authority round table and arm wrestles on who's
service is better, invites snake for after noon golf.
Briefs Commander and Chief on how to spell 'snake'.
Last Commander and Chief (Slick Willy): Tries to
figure out how to hook up with snakes sister while not
letting his wife know, hooks up with snakes sister,
gets caught and denies all involvement with snake or
his sister. Orders Carrier Battle Group to launch
Alpha Strikes against snake to cover up any evidence.
To be containued...
Edited by - Valion310 on 08/04/2002 22:34:54