ActuallyPoetic
Member
As this is a first draft, I'm going to focus on content rather than writing. My immediate impression is that you want to be an astronaut, and are simply using the Navy as stepping stone. It's certainly not clear that you care about serving in the Navy or even flying. I have a strong feeling that will not be viewed positively by the board. Thus, I would not mentioned wanting to be an astronaut anywhere in your motivational statement so I would scrap the first three paragraphs entirely.
IMO there are essentially three points you want to touch on.
1. Why do you want to become a Navy Officer? Naval Aviators are officers first and foremost. You need to demonstrate that you both have the desire and ability to be a leader.
2. What do you bring to the Navy? The impression I get reading your first draft is that you are receiving much more than you giving (this is normal for first drafts). Tell, or more effectively show, what skills you bring to the table. You have some good bits already in your fourth paragraph, but they could be fleshed out quite a bit.
3. Why do you want to be a naval aviator? Wanting to be an astronaut is not exactly a compelling answer. Military aviation in general is quite a dangerous profession and so have WANT to pursue this career. Off the top of my head, the Marines lost 5 in a CH-53E crash in California, the Army 3 from a MH-60 crash in Med, and the Air Force 7 in an MV-22 crash off the coast of Japan just this past year. These were all in training/non-combat operations.
If you your motivational statement answers those three questions, you should be golden.
PS This is nitpicky, but "pilots" in the Navy are called "Naval Aviators". You are applying for the position of SNA (Student Naval Aviator).
Yeah, I've gotten feedback from someone else along the same lines - i.e. not strong enough case for my commitment to serve in the U.S. Navy.
Can you elaborate a bit more in your second comment when you say:
you are receiving much more than you giving
Thank you though! I definitely agree with your feedback and will be making big changes to strengthen my statement.
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