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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

As this is a first draft, I'm going to focus on content rather than writing. My immediate impression is that you want to be an astronaut, and are simply using the Navy as stepping stone. It's certainly not clear that you care about serving in the Navy or even flying. I have a strong feeling that will not be viewed positively by the board. Thus, I would not mentioned wanting to be an astronaut anywhere in your motivational statement so I would scrap the first three paragraphs entirely.

IMO there are essentially three points you want to touch on.

1. Why do you want to become a Navy Officer? Naval Aviators are officers first and foremost. You need to demonstrate that you both have the desire and ability to be a leader.

2. What do you bring to the Navy? The impression I get reading your first draft is that you are receiving much more than you giving (this is normal for first drafts). Tell, or more effectively show, what skills you bring to the table. You have some good bits already in your fourth paragraph, but they could be fleshed out quite a bit.

3. Why do you want to be a naval aviator? Wanting to be an astronaut is not exactly a compelling answer. Military aviation in general is quite a dangerous profession and so have WANT to pursue this career. Off the top of my head, the Marines lost 5 in a CH-53E crash in California, the Army 3 from a MH-60 crash in Med, and the Air Force 7 in an MV-22 crash off the coast of Japan just this past year. These were all in training/non-combat operations.

If you your motivational statement answers those three questions, you should be golden.

PS This is nitpicky, but "pilots" in the Navy are called "Naval Aviators". You are applying for the position of SNA (Student Naval Aviator).

Yeah, I've gotten feedback from someone else along the same lines - i.e. not strong enough case for my commitment to serve in the U.S. Navy.

Can you elaborate a bit more in your second comment when you say:
you are receiving much more than you giving

Thank you though! I definitely agree with your feedback and will be making big changes to strengthen my statement.
 
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Average Monke

A primate with internet access
Can you elaborate a bit more in your third comment when you say:
Sure. What I mean is that the gist of your motivational statement sounds like "I want to be a Naval Aviator so that I can one day become an astronaut". What you are receiving is millions of dollars of government training and resources so that you can go do something entirely unrelated. If you were hiring someone, does that sound like someone you want to invest in? Else where in your statement you mention concepts like leadership and service, but your motivation comes off as entirely selfish. How do you intend to serve others an Naval Aviator? Hint: that's the part about wanting to be an officer.

This is besides the point, but there are probably more direct paths to becoming an astronaut than this route if that's you end goal.
 

exNavyOffRec

Well-Known Member
Hey y'all, I'm currently writing my motivational statement for a pilot position; however, I keep on finding conflicting guidelines online. What is the word limit or page limit for these writing samples? My recruiter told me around 750 words or 1 pg limit max; yet, I see that the majority of writing samples online are all over the aforementioned limit.

also what are solid things that the reviewing committee would like to see from an amazing motivational statement
I missed this post otherwise I would have posted earlier and probably saved you time.
Applying for pilot position, any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Currently my first draft but keen to revise and edit to strengthen certain key points/themes:

As the son of low-income, immigrant parents who worked blue-collar jobs, I never had any real exposure to aviation or to a career in aviation. Nor did I ever have a strong affinity towards S.T.E.M. or a S.T.E.M.-related career as a kid as I was never exposed to that either - having been exposed only to the occupations of family members such as construction workers, carpenters, etc. However, it was until one random day during the 6th grade when my attitude and interest towards both would instantly change.

My 6th grade class had gone on a class field trip to our local community college where a former NASA astronaut (Jose M. Hernandez) was hosting a presentation for local elementary kids detailing his journey from working in the fields as a child to his voyage into space all while growing up in the same town that I currently lived in - Stockton, CA. I had no strong interest going into the presentation given that I had no idea what being an astronaut entailed. However, my attitude quickly changed the instant I saw him. To see someone who looked like me and from a similar background had caused something within me to just naturally gravitate towards him. And as he was detailing more about his journey and his love for science and engineering, I sat there quietly in awe while taking mental notes. It was then that the idea of becoming an astronaut was quietly sowed into my mind. I left that evening confidently knowing that people who looked like me and who came from similar backgrounds were far more capable than just being construction workers, carpenters, etc. I left with the strong belief that immigrants like myself can become engineers, scientists, and astronauts just like Jose.

It was then that my interest in space and becoming an astronaut began. I spent countless days investigating the steps it takes to become an astronaut, and it was then that I found that there was one trait shared among most astronauts - most were former U.S. Navy pilots. And it was after deciding to attend UC Santa Barbara as a physics major that following my four years there that I was going to join the U.S. Navy to become a naval officer and pilot in order to accomplish my dreams of becoming a NASA astronaut in the distant future.
While certainly difficult, my four years at UC Santa Barbara were extremely formative and taught me what it takes to be successful in all my endeavors - experiences and skills that I believe will correlate to my success as a naval officer and pilot. For example, the perseverance and resilience that I strengthened over the 4 years from having to balance and excel with a rigorous course load, work as a student-researcher, and while maintaining a healthy physique through adequate weight training and dieting - all with the goal of becoming a U.S. Navy pilot and eventual NASA astronaut in the back of my mind. Or the importance of leadership and building a community that I further learned from working and serving for programs and organizations such as my experience working for the UCSB MESA program during the summers of 2021 and 2022 where I worked as a mentor/tutor/resident assistant. A position that relies heavily on the work of the student employees as we were the ones who actively managed and ensured that the summer program ran smoothly on-site. From managing around 28-30 underrepresented first-year and transfer students each summer, I worked with students ensuring that they all attended all their summer courses, were provided adequate and helpful tutoring services, and hosted S.T.E.M. workshops and team-building activities daily all while also ensuring that each group of students each summer entered UC Santa Barbara confident in their skills to succeed.

And yet, after all these years and experiences, I still hold dear one particular core value: the importance of serving others. Whether that be my parents by ensuring the best future for our family or my fellow underrepresented students in their academic careers, I believe that there is no better way to continue serving others than to serve my country all while continuing to pursue and accomplish my dreams of becoming a U.S. Navy pilot and eventual NASA astronaut.
Aviation doesn't care about motivational statements just the ASTB, in nearly all cases they don't read them unless you have something negative that needs to be addressed. That 9 you have for a PFAR will do all the talking for you and with immediate selection you will be fine.
 

Unpriced

Member
My first rough draft. Applying for a DCO supply corp position. Looking for suggestions to improve it.


As a first-generation college graduate currently completing my MBA, my journey has been defined by a profound desire to serve my country and others while continually striving to become the best version of myself. This aspiration has led me to pursue a role as a Supply Officer in the Navy Reserve, where I see an opportunity to support the noble efforts of our armed forces by ensuring the seamless execution of day-to-day operations and the availability of essential supplies, food, and resources when needed most.

My professional background in Parts and Service Managment in the heavy equipment sector, coupled with my current role as an Inventory analyst for CNH Industrial, has equipped me with invaluable experience in managing inventories and coordinating logistics across multiple locations. In my current position, I work closely with over 100 locations to ensure that they have the necessary replacement parts available to meet business demands. This experience has honed my skills in inventory management, strategic planning, and collaboration, all of which are essential qualities for a Supply Officer in the Navy Reserve.

One of my defining characteristics is my love for learning and my penchant for listening. I believe in continuously expanding my knowledge and expertise to better serve those around me. By focusing on my training and leveraging the knowledge and support of others, I am committed to staying at the forefront of advancements in inventory management and military logistics.

I have demonstrated my leadership abilities in various capacities, having held leadership roles in 4-H and effectively leading others in the departments I've managed. These experiences have instilled in me the importance of integrity, teamwork, and effective communication, qualities that are fundamental to success in any leadership role.

My commitment to service extends beyond the professional realm to my involvement in my church community. Through volunteering and serving others, I have learned the importance of compassion, empathy, and selflessness, qualities that I strive to embody in all aspects of my life, including my military service.

Drawing upon my upbringing on a farm, I learned the value of hard work, perseverance, and a strong work ethic from an early age. These foundational principles have guided me throughout my life and continue to drive me in my pursuit of excellence, both personally and professionally.

In managing my responsibilities, I prioritize tasks and meticulously organize my schedule, putting them on my calendar while remaining flexible to emergencies that may arise. This approach allows me to maintain a high level of productivity while effectively addressing unforeseen challenges as they arise.

Looking ahead, my goal as a Supply Officer in the Navy Reserve is not only to fulfill my duties with diligence and excellence but also to grow as a leader and a student. I aspire to become a better leader by embracing the opportunities for growth and development that the Navy offers, while also serving as a dedicated student of leadership, constantly seeking to refine my skills and expand my knowledge base.

In conclusion, I am deeply motivated to serve as a Supply Officer in the Navy Reserve, driven by a sense of duty, a commitment to excellence, and a passion for continuous improvement. I am confident that my background, skills, and dedication make me a strong candidate for this role, and I am excited about the prospect of serving alongside fellow patriots in defense of our country
 
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kamkambear

New Member
Anyone want to roast my motivation letter. Applying for CW and MCWO:

My father grew up as a migrant farm worker who later went on to join the Army and pursue a career with the Department of Defense (DOD). Similarly, my mother has dedicated the past 15 years to a career with the Department of Justice (DOJ). Their exemplary work ethic and commitment to national service serve as inspiring examples to my siblings and I. It was no surprise when my sister followed suit by joining the Navy. Witnessing her personal growth and transformation as an IT rate has been a profound privilege. My family's legacy motivates me to pursue a Naval commission and continue in their footsteps of serving this country.

Given my varied technical experiences and adaptability within the private industry, I feel uniquely positioned to support and lead the cyberwarfare missions of the Navy. My repertoire of skills includes object oriented programming In Java and Python. During an internship with Wells Fargo, I independently led the efforts to develop artificial intelligence (AI) models for capital trade market violations. With my B.S. degree in information science, much of the curriculum focused on data analysis with R and Python, and database architecture design in MySQL. Throughout college and high school I competed in hackathons to maintain my programming skills.

During my recent tenure as a cyber analyst at Deloitte, I had the privilege to work on projects to enhance infrastructure security and regulatory compliance for several Forbes 100 companies. Notably, I co-led the development of strategies for a red team exercise focused on evaluating API security posture. Additionally, I took the lead in managing over 10,000 cloud service accounts and implementing custom policies across AWS, Azure, and OCI using tools like Caveonix and Splunk Enterprise. Beyond my regular responsibilities, I proactively automated task reporting to enhance operations and helped spearhead the implementation of a new API security tool for our client. This consisted of creating a comprehensive plan on application configurations, accounting for application dependencies, testing for false-positives, and ensuring infrastructure security blueprint goals would be met.

Dedicated to learning, I enjoy setting up labs in my personal time to develop my skill sets. Some of these projects include network administration on Ubuntu, and Kali Linux. More recently I set up Wireshark to analyze packets, and Ida Pro to analyze library injection malware.

On a personal note, I firmly believe leadership involves not only initiative and strategy, but motivating one's team towards excellence; thus also necessitating the leader's own pursuit of excellence. That's why I'm currently pursuing a Master's Degree in computer science this year. My coursework has already covered UML object-oriented design concepts and algorithm development.

Being commissioned as a Naval officer would be an immense honor, and I am fully committed to advancing the missions of the cyberwarfare community. With my extensive technical background, dedication to learning, and relentless pursuit of excellence, I am confident in my ability to fulfill my duties as a Naval officer to the highest standard.
 

number9

Well-Known Member
Contributor
Anyone want to roast my motivation letter. Applying for CW and MCWO:

My father grew up as a migrant farm worker who later went on to join the Army and pursue a career with the Department of Defense (DOD). Similarly, my mother has dedicated the past 15 years to a career with the Department of Justice (DOJ). Their exemplary work ethic and commitment to national service serve as inspiring examples to my siblings and I. It was no surprise when my sister followed suit by joining the Navy. Witnessing her personal growth and transformation as an IT rate has been a profound privilege. My family's legacy motivates me to pursue a Naval commission and continue in their footsteps of serving this country.
I'm not a recruiter so take all of this with a grain of salt. Here goes:

You don't need to give acronyms for DOJ if you're not going to it them later in the essay. And you certainly don't need to give the acronym for DOD when applying to the Navy... ;)

Also it should be "my siblings and me" not "my siblings and I".

Given my varied technical experiences and adaptability within the private industry, I feel uniquely positioned to support and lead the cyberwarfare missions of the Navy. My repertoire of skills includes object oriented programming In Java and Python. During an internship with Wells Fargo, I independently led the efforts to develop artificial intelligence (AI) models for capital trade market violations. With my B.S. degree in information science, much of the curriculum focused on data analysis with R and Python, and database architecture design in MySQL. Throughout college and high school I competed in hackathons to maintain my programming skills.
"In" should be "in", and I would drop the object-oriented bit. Information Science should be capitalized (it's the name of the degree), and you can probably drop the MySQL mention. Change the order of "college and high school" to make it chronological, and change "maintain" to "further develop".

During my recent tenure as a cyber analyst at Deloitte, I had the privilege to work on projects to enhance infrastructure security and regulatory compliance for several Forbes 100 companies. Notably, I co-led the development of strategies for a red team exercise focused on evaluating API security posture. Additionally, I took the lead in managing over 10,000 cloud service accounts and implementing custom policies across AWS, Azure, and OCI using tools like Caveonix and Splunk Enterprise. Beyond my regular responsibilities, I proactively automated task reporting to enhance operations and helped spearhead the implementation of a new API security tool for our client. This consisted of creating a comprehensive plan on application configurations, accounting for application dependencies, testing for false-positives, and ensuring infrastructure security blueprint goals would be met.
Get rid of the term API, and I would probably drop the names Caveonix & Splunk too.

Dedicated to learning, I enjoy setting up labs in my personal time to develop my skill sets. Some of these projects include network administration on Ubuntu, and Kali Linux. More recently I set up Wireshark to analyze packets, and Ida Pro to analyze library injection malware.
Change the distro mentions to something like "various operating systems" and I would also drop the Wireshark and Ida Pro names.

On a personal note, I firmly believe leadership involves not only initiative and strategy, but motivating one's team towards excellence; thus also necessitating the leader's own pursuit of excellence. That's why I'm currently pursuing a Master's Degree in computer science this year. My coursework has already covered UML object-oriented design concepts and algorithm development.
Get rid of "on a personal note" because it's an essay, we already know it's personal. Capitalize Computer Science, and change "UML object-oriented" to something more generic.

Being commissioned as a Naval officer would be an immense honor, and I am fully committed to advancing the missions of the cyberwarfare community. With my extensive technical background, dedication to learning, and relentless pursuit of excellence, I am confident in my ability to fulfill my duties as a Naval officer to the highest standard.
I would change it to "the Navy and the cyberwarfare community". You're an officer first, and a designator second.
 

kamkambear

New Member
I'm not a recruiter so take all of this with a grain of salt. Here goes:

You don't need to give acronyms for DOJ if you're not going to it them later in the essay. And you certainly don't need to give the acronym for DOD when applying to the Navy... ;)

Also it should be "my siblings and me" not "my siblings and I".

"In" should be "in", and I would drop the object-oriented bit. Information Science should be capitalized (it's the name of the degree), and you can probably drop the MySQL mention. Change the order of "college and high school" to make it chronological, and change "maintain" to "further develop".

Get rid of the term API, and I would probably drop the names Caveonix & Splunk too.

Change the distro mentions to something like "various operating systems" and I would also drop the Wireshark and Ida Pro names.

Get rid of "on a personal note" because it's an essay, we already know it's personal. Capitalize Computer Science, and change "UML object-oriented" to something more generic.

I would change it to "the Navy and the cyberwarfare community". You're an officer first, and a designator second.
youre the goat, this is really awesome feedback. thank you so much.
Should I spell out DOD and DOJ?
 

exNavyOffRec

Well-Known Member
Anyone want to roast my motivation letter. Applying for CW and MCWO:

My father grew up as a migrant farm worker who later went on to join the Army and pursue a career with the Department of Defense (DOD). Similarly, my mother has dedicated the past 15 years to a career with the Department of Justice (DOJ). Their exemplary work ethic and commitment to national service serve as inspiring examples to my siblings and I. It was no surprise when my sister followed suit by joining the Navy. Witnessing her personal growth and transformation as an IT rate has been a profound privilege. My family's legacy motivates me to pursue a Naval commission and continue in their footsteps of serving this country.

Given my varied technical experiences and adaptability within the private industry, I feel uniquely positioned to support and lead the cyberwarfare missions of the Navy. My repertoire of skills includes object oriented programming In Java and Python. During an internship with Wells Fargo, I independently led the efforts to develop artificial intelligence (AI) models for capital trade market violations. With my B.S. degree in information science, much of the curriculum focused on data analysis with R and Python, and database architecture design in MySQL. Throughout college and high school I competed in hackathons to maintain my programming skills.

During my recent tenure as a cyber analyst at Deloitte, I had the privilege to work on projects to enhance infrastructure security and regulatory compliance for several Forbes 100 companies. Notably, I co-led the development of strategies for a red team exercise focused on evaluating API security posture. Additionally, I took the lead in managing over 10,000 cloud service accounts and implementing custom policies across AWS, Azure, and OCI using tools like Caveonix and Splunk Enterprise. Beyond my regular responsibilities, I proactively automated task reporting to enhance operations and helped spearhead the implementation of a new API security tool for our client. This consisted of creating a comprehensive plan on application configurations, accounting for application dependencies, testing for false-positives, and ensuring infrastructure security blueprint goals would be met.

Dedicated to learning, I enjoy setting up labs in my personal time to develop my skill sets. Some of these projects include network administration on Ubuntu, and Kali Linux. More recently I set up Wireshark to analyze packets, and Ida Pro to analyze library injection malware.

On a personal note, I firmly believe leadership involves not only initiative and strategy, but motivating one's team towards excellence; thus also necessitating the leader's own pursuit of excellence. That's why I'm currently pursuing a Master's Degree in computer science this year. My coursework has already covered UML object-oriented design concepts and algorithm development.

Being commissioned as a Naval officer would be an immense honor, and I am fully committed to advancing the missions of the cyberwarfare community. With my extensive technical background, dedication to learning, and relentless pursuit of excellence, I am confident in my ability to fulfill my duties as a Naval officer to the highest standard.
Ditch the 1st paragraph, this is a professional board and they are looking at your professional background. Take advantage of this space to highlight your professional experience and leadership. This is about what you have done, not your mom, dad, sister or any hardships they have overcome or accomplishments they have. You are applying to designators that may actually read your statement, you don't want to lose their interest once they start reading.
 

kamkambear

New Member
Ditch the 1st paragraph, this is a professional board and they are looking at your professional background. Take advantage of this space to highlight your professional experience and leadership. This is about what you have done, not your mom, dad, sister or any hardships they have overcome or accomplishments they have. You are applying to designators that may actually read your statement, you don't want to lose their interest once they start reading.
Youre right. thank you for the feedback
 

number9

Well-Known Member
Contributor
youre the goat, this is really awesome feedback. thank you so much.
Should I spell out DOD and DOJ?
I guess it depends on the structure of the rest of the sentence. I don't think anyone is going to fault you for using the full name, but if you need to save yourself space you can just abbreviate them.

I always suggest that writers put themselves in the mind of their readers. Does your reader know what the DOD is? Of course. Do they know what programming languages are? Probably. Do they know the difference between functional and OO programming? Possibly. Are they familiar with specific tools like Wireshark*? Only if they're a SME.
 
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