Marriage Separation and Commissioning

[wannabeswo93]

Good Afternoon,

I was in the commissioning process for active duty SWO (getting all docs ready for OCS application board) when my wife said she wanted to separate. We have a young child and I'm fine with her having primary physical custody as obviously Active Duty SWO life isn't the best for a kid if their parents aren't together. My issue is I know you can't enlist if you are awaiting divorce, but I can't find any regulations on commissioning. My wife has mentioned she'd be willing to stick around until after OCS to make things less complicated, but that just feels dishonest.

What are the rules as far as custody of dependents and such when it comes to newly commissioning officers in the Navy?

I don't really want to ask my recruiter about it, because if the only way for me to get in is to have her stick around until after OCS, etc. Than I'll have to take that.

Any experience here? I know this may seem as if I'm coming off as dishonest, but that's what I'm trying to avoid while still attaining my dream of commissioning so some guidance would be helpful as far as actual OPNAVINST, etc. for reference.

Thanks.

 

[AllAmerican75]

Good Afternoon,

I was in the commissioning process for active duty SWO (getting all docs ready for OCS application board) when my wife said she wanted to separate. We have a young child and I'm fine with her having primary physical custody as obviously Active Duty SWO life isn't the best for a kid if their parents aren't together. My issue is I know you can't enlist if you are awaiting divorce, but I can't find any regulations on commissioning. My wife has mentioned she'd be willing to stick around until after OCS to make things less complicated, but that just feels dishonest.

What are the rules as far as custody of dependents and such when it comes to newly commissioning officers in the Navy?

I don't really want to ask my recruiter about it, because if the only way for me to get in is to have her stick around until after OCS, etc. Than I'll have to take that.

Any experience here? I know this may seem as if I'm coming off as dishonest, but that's what I'm trying to avoid while still attaining my dream of commissioning so some guidance would be helpful as far as actual OPNAVINST, etc. for reference.

Thanks.

1. Talk to your recruiter ASAP.
2. Are you divorcing or just separating? The Navy doesn't care as long as your still legally married. If you live in a state with a waiting period, you may be okay anyway.
3. Talk to a lawyer immediately. The Navy will need LOTS of documentation to for your custody agreement and to prove your child is yours and is being provided for. At the very least, get your custody agreement/order in writing to provide to the admin folks. Failure to do this will likely cause problems with your application as well as your life.
4. If at all possible, it may be better to expedite your divorce so that your STBX never ends up in DEERS. Talking from experience, having your STBX able to access all of your DEERS records and JAG services could potentially make your life at OCS far worse than it needs to be. The last thing you want is having to explain to your class team why they're receiving letters from JAG accusing you of not fulfilling your duties to provide spousal and child support to your family.
5. Divorce sucks, but it sucks even more if you don't have your shit together. Start the process now of separating bank accounts and protecting your assets. Your divorce has the potential to go sideways very quickly and the amount of things she can accuse you of could permanently halt your bid to serve in uniform. If she wanted to, and if her lawyer or friends put it into her head, she could file simple complaints in court that would screw up your security clearance and application. Again, you need to be talking to a lawyer yesterday.

 

[wannabeswo93]

1. Talk to your recruiter ASAP.
2. Are you divorcing or just separating? The Navy doesn't care as long as your still legally married. If you live in a state with a waiting period, you may be okay anyway.
3. Talk to a lawyer immediately. The Navy will need LOTS of documentation to for your custody agreement and to prove your child is yours and is being provided for. At the very least, get your custody agreement/order in writing to provide to the admin folks. Failure to do this will likely cause problems with your application as well as your life.
4. If at all possible, it may be better to expedite your divorce so that your STBX never ends up in DEERS. Talking from experience, having your STBX able to access all of your DEERS records and JAG services could potentially make your life at OCS far worse than it needs to be. The last thing you want is having to explain to your class team why they're receiving letters from JAG accusing you of not fulfilling your duties to provide spousal and child support to your family.
5. Divorce sucks, but it sucks even more if you don't have your shit together. Start the process now of separating bank accounts and protecting your assets. Your divorce has the potential to go sideways very quickly and the amount of things she can accuse you of could permanently halt your bid to serve in uniform. If she wanted to, and if her lawyer or friends put it into her head, she could file simple complaints in court that would screw up your security clearance and application. Again, you need to be talking to a lawyer yesterday.

Thank you for the quick reply!

1. I am going to talk to her tomorrow.

2. Just separating, but we are done done. We have been having issues for awhile, tried family counseling etc, but it's not going anywhere. Our state has a one year waiting period.

3. I have a lawyer and so does she, so far we are extremely agreeable. After a bit of back and forth we ironed out our wants etc.

4. Is it better for us to expedite the divorce? Will that mean I need to give up 100% custody? Will there be a waiting period for OCS because of that?

5. I definitely don't want that shit to happen so thanks for the advice. I currently have an active clearance and I don't think she'd mess with that because it allows for me to provide for our daughter.

Is there any guidance or regulations that talk about commissioning with dependents and such?

 

[AllAmerican75]

Thank you for the quick reply!

1. I am going to talk to her tomorrow.

2. Just separating, but we are done done. We have been having issues for awhile, tried family counseling etc, but it's not going anywhere. Our state has a one year waiting period.

3. I have a lawyer and so does she, so far we are extremely agreeable. After a bit of back and forth we ironed out our wants etc.

4. Is it better for us to expedite the divorce? Will that mean I need to give up 100% custody? Will there be a waiting period for OCS because of that?

5. I definitely don't want that shit to happen so thanks for the advice. I currently have an active clearance and I don't think she'd mess with that because it allows for me to provide for our daughter.

Is there any guidance or regulations that talk about commissioning with dependents and such?

2. Mine did as well. My recommendation would be to get a separation agreement and custody order in place. This will make things simpler for you. You want as much of the separation and stuff done and over with by the time you ship off to OCS. Between OCS, BDOC, and sea duty, you will have very little time to take care of that.

3 & 5. I thought my ex would be reasonable as well. I was wrong. Just remember that there is absolutely no law that requires her to behave well during a divorce and the divorce laws/courts are biased in her favor. How much is dependent upon the state and judge. You ultimately want to avoid court and do everything through mediation. How to accomplish this is a question for your lawyer.

4. I would think so. Dealing with a divorce or family shit while going through OCS or as a brand new ensign is probably too much for any normal person. When you get to the ship, everything ship and Navy related will take absolute priority over everything else in your life. This is doubly so as long as you are not qualified with a SWO pin. How this is going to affect your application and OCS timing is a question for your recruiter. It sounds like you haven't even been to MEPS or been selected by the board yet, which means you have a long way to go before you even get to OCS. This means you will likely have plenty of time to get everything squared away before you ship out.

Regarding custody: This is ultimately a discussion to have with your lawyer. The Navy ultimately doesn't care what your custody agreement looks like as long as the kid is taken care of and you show up to the job ready to go. That being said, being a single dad on sea duty is impossible to do. You will have at least one day a week where you will be stuck on the ship for duty for a full 24 hours. Then you will be expected to get underway everytime the ship goes to sea. And if that's not enough, you will be working very long hours both fulfilling your duties as a division officer and also working on your qualifications; it is not unusual to work 12 hours a day for weeks at a time. Making sure you are at pick up on time for school and finding daycare will be difficult and expensive. There's an old saying that if the Navy wanted you to have a family, they would have issued you one in your seabag and it's very true for SWOs.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Thank you for the quick reply!

1. I am going to talk to her tomorrow.

2. Just separating, but we are done done. We have been having issues for awhile, tried family counseling etc, but it's not going anywhere. Our state has a one year waiting period.

3. I have a lawyer and so does she, so far we are extremely agreeable. After a bit of back and forth we ironed out our wants etc.

4. Is it better for us to expedite the divorce? Will that mean I need to give up 100% custody? Will there be a waiting period for OCS because of that?

5. I definitely don't want that shit to happen so thanks for the advice. I currently have an active clearance and I don't think she'd mess with that because it allows for me to provide for our daughter.

Is there any guidance or regulations that talk about commissioning with dependents and such?

I have seen amicable to shit fast so listen to @AllAmerican75

 

[RobLyman]

I have seen amicable to shit fast so listen to @AllAmerican75

Heav'n has no rage, like love to hatred turn'd, nor Hell a fury like a woman scorn'd.

My divorce was final about a month ago. No matter how civil you and your soon-to-be-ex promise to be to one another, it is very likely you will see evil and hatred the likes of which you never imagined. And I am not saying that to be funny.

 

[wannabeswo93]

Heav'n has no rage, like love to hatred turn'd, nor Hell a fury like a woman scorn'd.

My divorce was final about a month ago. No matter how civil you and your soon-to-be-ex promise to be to one another, it is very likely you will see evil and hatred the likes of which you never imagined. And I am not saying that to be funny.

Yah I get it, I'm just wondering what I need to do to be square to leave for OCS.

 

[wannabeswo93]

2. Mine did as well. My recommendation would be to get a separation agreement and custody order in place. This will make things simpler for you. You want as much of the separation and stuff done and over with by the time you ship off to OCS. Between OCS, BDOC, and sea duty, you will have very little time to take care of that.

3 & 5. I thought my ex would be reasonable as well. I was wrong. Just remember that there is absolutely no law that requires her to behave well during a divorce and the divorce laws/courts are biased in her favor. How much is dependent upon the state and judge. You ultimately want to avoid court and do everything through mediation. How to accomplish this is a question for your lawyer.

4. I would think so. Dealing with a divorce or family shit while going through OCS or as a brand new ensign is probably too much for any normal person. When you get to the ship, everything ship and Navy related will take absolute priority over everything else in your life. This is doubly so as long as you are not qualified with a SWO pin. How this is going to affect your application and OCS timing is a question for your recruiter. It sounds like you haven't even been to MEPS or been selected by the board yet, which means you have a long way to go before you even get to OCS. This means you will likely have plenty of time to get everything squared away before you ship out.

Regarding custody: This is ultimately a discussion to have with your lawyer. The Navy ultimately doesn't care what your custody agreement looks like as long as the kid is taken care of and you show up to the job ready to go. That being said, being a single dad on sea duty is impossible to do. You will have at least one day a week where you will be stuck on the ship for duty for a full 24 hours. Then you will be expected to get underway everytime the ship goes to sea. And if that's not enough, you will be working very long hours both fulfilling your duties as a division officer and also working on your qualifications; it is not unusual to work 12 hours a day for weeks at a time. Making sure you are at pick up on time for school and finding daycare will be difficult and expensive. There's an old saying that if the Navy wanted you to have a family, they would have issued you one in your seabag and it's very true for SWOs.

Yah I'm actually prior enlisted and was sea duty the whole time. So I do understand the long hours, underways, etc. I just want to join haha. I need to just figure out what I need to do to make sure everything is squared away. I'm supposed to be going to the board in November.

 

[AllAmerican75]

Yah I'm actually prior enlisted and was sea duty the whole time. So I do understand the long hours, underways, etc. I just want to join haha. I need to just figure out what I need to do to make sure everything is squared away. I'm supposed to be going to the board in November.

Okay, then the recruiter definitely has all of the answers you need or knows who to talk to.

 

[wannabeswo93]

Just an update. OCS does not care at all about custody/marriage/separation/divorce etc. The only instructions that say other wise are for those enlisting. Recruiter had no issue with it. I need to turn in any paperwork for custody/separation when I check into OCS to ensure proper DEERS enrollment.

 

[exNavyOffRec]

Just an update. OCS does not care at all about custody/marriage/separation/divorce etc. The only instructions that say other wise are for those enlisting. Recruiter had no issue with it. I need to turn in any paperwork for custody/separation when I check into OCS to ensure proper DEERS enrollment.

you can't be under civil action, so no pending court dates. last thing you want is an arrest warrant to come out when you are OCS, not saying that hasn't happened, but doesn't look good.

 

[Brett327]

you can't be under civil action, so no pending court dates. last thing you want is an arrest warrant to come out when you are OCS, not saying that hasn't happened, but doesn't look good.

How would an arrest warrant result from civil court action?

 

[exNavyOffRec]

How would an arrest warrant result from civil court action?

wording should have been "you can't be under civil action, and no pending court dates"

 

[hlg6016]

How would an arrest warrant result from civil court action?

In some jurisdictions it is common practice to issues warrants to no shows in family court, They carry the same weight as criminal warrants.
Its not unheard of in my state for a judge to give a noncustodial parent a bit in the lock-up if they are being a bum.

 

[wannabeswo93]

you can't be under civil action, so no pending court dates. last thing you want is an arrest warrant to come out when you are OCS, not saying that hasn't happened, but doesn't look good.

Ya, I'm not going to court, so that's fine.