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Motivational Statement MEGA Thread

Great hook. Try another transition into the military thing. Maybe, or something like that.



Added some thoughts I had in parentheses and got rid of some stuff I thought sounded a bit clunky (and a couple unnecessary commas). I tried to strike through most of it but sometime it's hard to see a strike-through on a comma or just a letter.

Good statement!
Thank you for your help as well. I loved the change you suggested with the opening paragprahp
 
Hi all, this is my first time posting as I'm rather new to the whole US Navy process. ASVAB, MEPS, DLAB, OAR completed and deemed successful enough to progress to applying for OCS.

You all being more experienced, perhaps, your feedback on my personal statement for the OCS application would be helpful. (I've edited out overly identifiable details here on the forum.)

Thanks much !

---
When it comes down to it, the greatest motivating factors in my life are discovery, and guiding others to do their best. It is to put these skills to good use that I seek to join the US Navy as an officer.

From reading detective stories as a child, to searching out the paths that reveal how and why a word originated, or what the timeliest way is to travel from New York City to Biloxi, or the elusive contact information for a potential business client, it is research, discovery, revelation, the mystery and the drive to decipher it that has led me forward.

Yet the knowledge discovered is only good for so much; a fact, while often proving an amusing anecdote at a later time, is only a fact until it can be put to use. And to what use? Applicability of research and discovery is paramount, which is why joining the US Navy as an officer is worthwhile.

Coupled with this are my abilities in team management and leadership, which I have been able to use and develop in both career and volunteer positions. Respecting others, honesty, efficiency and self-control are of prime importance.

While the North America Senior Manager for [[ product category ]] at a French consulting agency, I managed numerous projects contemporaneously, including travel planning for large groups; managed client and team budgets; hired and trained staff members in-office and remotely; guided, mentored and inspired a team of nine trade advisers in eight cities in the US and Canada, under the direction of our executives in Canada and the US, and in partnership with global headquarters in Paris; created and implemented projects to foresee and respond to market trends; and communicated with and won over potential clients, contacts and industry professionals in French and English.

Even today, more than two years after leaving that job, my former boss and I have a congenial relationship, and former team members ask me for recommendation letters and business advice.

In my current job, as the National Sales Manager for an importer of [[ wines ]], responsibilities include managing and maintaining ongoing working relationships with business partners in 30 states, international trade logistics, and researching, evaluating and approaching potential business partners in order to win them over to our products. This position is remote; I have seen my boss all of three times in real life. He has told me that I am a boon to the company. I believe him.

This drive to uncover and learn the unknown and put it to good use, together with a gift for team leadership, an ease at adapting to new and unusual situations and the capacity to likewise respect those in higher positions, would make me an asset to the US Navy community.

It is to have a challenging, purposeful career that I seek to join your ranks.
---
 
Also looking for pointers on my motivational statement. Applying for Pilot/NFO. Going to apply to first boards of FY19, so I have about 2 months before this is due.

---------------------------------------

My desire to serve my country stems from my aspiration to belong to a unified organization that focuses on loyalty, honor, and service. After college graduation, most of my peers could not wait to gain employment with a major defense contractor to begin their careers as aerospace engineers. I, for one felt the need to take the road less traveled by pursuing a military career. Throughout my college experience I participated in two internships with Boeing and NASA. These internships showed me that I yearned for something more challenging. As I would drive to work I witnessed formations of AH-64 Apache helicopters and F-22 Raptors roaring overhead and realized that my true calling was a vastly different path than I had anticipated for myself. I was captivated by these aviation machines which spawned my aspirations of becoming a military aviator.

My family lineage has a strong tie to the military. My grandfather and mother have both honorably served within different branches of the United Stated military. My mother, a retired Captain of the US Army, has instilled the moral values of responsibility, accountability, and discipline in me. I understood at a very young age that in order to be successful in life I would have to be dedicated to the morals ingrained within me. Throughout my youth I held myself to higher standards and set goals for myself that took perseverance to obtain. Throughout high school I held part-time employment and maintained a 4.3 grade point average. My work ethic carried on with me through college as I sustained part time employment while managing advanced classes in aerospace engineering throughout my four years of higher education. While balancing my work and educational obligations I also pursued outside opportunities. I was honored to have served as vice-president of a professional fraternity that focused on academics and community contributions. I lead over 100 men down a path that was conducive to society via philanthropic events and charity volunteering.

I have heavily researched all the branches of military, and I believe the Navy is the perfect fit for me. The core values such as honor, courage, and commitment are the values I strive to embody to the fullest. I would be honored to continue my family’s tradition of military service.

I have a genuine yearning to become a naval aviator, however, it is not solely my desire for which I should be selected to Navy OCS. I believe that my upbringing as a military dependent, educational background in aerospace engineering, and sense of leadership demonstrate my abilities to excel as an Officer of the United States Navy.
 
Hi all, this is my first time posting as I'm rather new to the whole US Navy process. ASVAB, MEPS, DLAB, OAR completed and deemed successful enough to progress to applying for OCS.

You all being more experienced, perhaps, your feedback on my personal statement for the OCS application would be helpful. (I've edited out overly identifiable details here on the forum.)

Thanks much !

---
When it comes down to it, the greatest motivating factors in my life are discovery, and guiding others to do their best. It is to put these skills to good use that I seek to join the US Navy as an officer.

From reading detective stories as a child, to searching out the paths that reveal how and why a word originated, or what the timeliest way is to travel from New York City to Biloxi, or the elusive contact information for a potential business client, it is research, discovery, revelation, the mystery and the drive to decipher it that has led me forward.

Yet the knowledge discovered is only good for so much; a fact, while often proving an amusing anecdote at a later time, is only a fact until it can be put to use. And to what use? Applicability of research and discovery is paramount, which is why joining the US Navy as an officer is worthwhile.

Coupled with this are my abilities in team management and leadership, which I have been able to use and develop in both career and volunteer positions. Respecting others, honesty, efficiency and self-control are of prime importance.

While the North America Senior Manager for [[ product category ]] at a French consulting agency, I managed numerous projects contemporaneously, including travel planning for large groups; managed client and team budgets; hired and trained staff members in-office and remotely; guided, mentored and inspired a team of nine trade advisers in eight cities in the US and Canada, under the direction of our executives in Canada and the US, and in partnership with global headquarters in Paris; created and implemented projects to foresee and respond to market trends; and communicated with and won over potential clients, contacts and industry professionals in French and English.

Even today, more than two years after leaving that job, my former boss and I have a congenial relationship, and former team members ask me for recommendation letters and business advice.

In my current job, as the National Sales Manager for an importer of [[ wines ]], responsibilities include managing and maintaining ongoing working relationships with business partners in 30 states, international trade logistics, and researching, evaluating and approaching potential business partners in order to win them over to our products. This position is remote; I have seen my boss all of three times in real life. He has told me that I am a boon to the company. I believe him.

This drive to uncover and learn the unknown and put it to good use, together with a gift for team leadership, an ease at adapting to new and unusual situations and the capacity to likewise respect those in higher positions, would make me an asset to the US Navy community.

It is to have a challenging, purposeful career that I seek to join your ranks.
---
Just a few notes - I would work on making your introduction a little more relevant to the subject. You mention the Navy soon enough, but unless you give the following sentences some thought it might not be very clear as to HOW those qualities/experiences are valuable to the Navy. Weave it in a little more and you'll be good to go.

I'd also expand on "This position is remote; I have seen my boss all of three times in real life. He has told me that I am a boon to the company. I believe him." I get what you were going for - punchy and pointed. But I'd get rid of the "I believe him" and enter in a more detailed description of WHY he thinks you're a boon - have you increased sales? Broken into new markets? What results make you a boon? As they say, show it rather than tell it.

Overall, I'd say you have a pretty solid statement on your hands. Those are the only things I felt worth mentioning.
 
Also looking for pointers on my motivational statement. Applying for Pilot/NFO. Going to apply to first boards of FY19, so I have about 2 months before this is due.

---------------------------------------

My desire to serve my country stems from my aspiration to belong to a unified organization that focuses on loyalty, honor, and service. After college graduation, most of my peers could not wait to gain employment with a major defense contractor to begin their careers as aerospace engineers. I, for one felt the need to take the road less traveled by pursuing a military career. Throughout my college experience I participated in two internships with Boeing and NASA. These internships showed me that I yearned for something more challenging. As I would drive to work I witnessed formations of AH-64 Apache helicopters and F-22 Raptors roaring overhead and realized that my true calling was a vastly different path than I had anticipated for myself. I was captivated by these aviation machines which spawned my aspirations of becoming a military aviator.

My family lineage has a strong tie to the military. My grandfather and mother have both honorably served within different branches of the United Stated military. My mother, a retired Captain of the US Army, has instilled the moral values of responsibility, accountability, and discipline in me. I understood at a very young age that in order to be successful in life I would have to be dedicated to the morals ingrained within me. Throughout my youth I held myself to higher standards and set goals for myself that took perseverance to obtain. Throughout high school I held part-time employment and maintained a 4.3 grade point average. My work ethic carried on with me through college as I sustained part time employment while managing advanced classes in aerospace engineering throughout my four years of higher education. While balancing my work and educational obligations I also pursued outside additional extracurricular opportunities. I was honored to have served as vice-president of a professional fraternity that focused on academics and community contributions. I lead led over 100 men down a path that was conducive to society via philanthropic events and charity volunteering.

I have heavily researched all the branches of military, and I believe the Navy is the perfect fit for me. The core values such as honor, courage, and commitment are the values I strive to embody to the fullest. I would be honored to continue my family’s tradition of military service.

I have a genuine yearning to become a naval aviator, however, it is not solely my desire for which I should be selected to Navy OCS. I believe that my upbringing as a military dependent, educational background in aerospace engineering, and sense of leadership demonstrate my abilities to excel as an Officer of the United States Navy.
I like this. A few technical edits above, and a few suggestions you can take or leave below.

"These internships showed me that I yearned for something more challenging."
I'd make a simple statement here instead of a comparative one, i.e. "... I yearned for something I could not find in engineering."

"I led over 100 men down a path that was conducive to society via philanthropic events and charity volunteering."
There's a little bit of awkward wording here. Might say something like "I led over 100 men through numerous philanthropic events, reinforcing the value of service to not only my colleagues but also my community." Rough take but I'm sure you see where I'm going with that.

"I have heavily researched all the branches of military, and I believe the Navy is the perfect fit for me. The core values such as honor, courage, and commitment are the values I strive to embody to the fullest."
Basing your branch decision off of something as intangible as values is a little... airy, for lack of a better word. Find some solid reasons and this will sound a lot more convincing. Do you like the Navy for its mission? Global reach? Dedication to cutting-edge warfare? Be real here.

"...sense of leadership..."
Small thing, but you may want to make this a little more tangible. A "sense" of leadership might not be as convincing as something like "leadership experience," of which it sounds like you have plenty.

Like I said, take 'em or leave 'em. Good statement otherwise.
 

RUFiO181

Making Recruiting Great Again
Also looking for pointers on my motivational statement. Applying for Pilot/NFO. Going to apply to first boards of FY19, so I have about 2 months before this is due.

---------------------------------------

My desire to serve my country stems from my aspiration to belong to a unified organization that focuses on loyalty, honor, and service. After college graduation, most of my peers could not wait to gain employment with a major defense contractor to begin their careers as aerospace engineers. I, for one felt the need to take the road less traveled by pursuing a military career. Throughout my college experience I participated in two internships with Boeing and NASA. These internships showed me that I yearned for something more challenging. As I would drive to work I witnessed formations of AH-64 Apache helicopters and F-22 Raptors roaring overhead and realized that my true calling was a vastly different path than I had anticipated for myself. I was captivated by these aviation machines which spawned my aspirations of becoming a military aviator.

My family lineage has a strong tie to the military. My grandfather and mother have both honorably served within different branches of the United Stated military. My mother, a retired Captain of the US Army, has instilled the moral values of responsibility, accountability, and discipline in me. I understood at a very young age that in order to be successful in life I would have to be dedicated to the morals ingrained within me. Throughout my youth I held myself to higher standards and set goals for myself that took perseverance to obtain. Throughout high school I held part-time employment and maintained a 4.3 grade point average. My work ethic carried on with me through college as I sustained part time employment while managing advanced classes in aerospace engineering throughout my four years of higher education. While balancing my work and educational obligations I also pursued outside opportunities. I was honored to have served as vice-president of a professional fraternity that focused on academics and community contributions. I lead over 100 men down a path that was conducive to society via philanthropic events and charity volunteering.

I have heavily researched all the branches of military, and I believe the Navy is the perfect fit for me. The core values such as honor, courage, and commitment are the values I strive to embody to the fullest. I would be honored to continue my family’s tradition of military service.

I have a genuine yearning to become a naval aviator, however, it is not solely my desire for which I should be selected to Navy OCS. I believe that my upbringing as a military dependent, educational background in aerospace engineering, and sense of leadership demonstrate my abilities to excel as an Officer of the United States Navy.
You know the boards don’t really read these statements, right?
 
Just a few notes - I would work on making your introduction a little more relevant to the subject. You mention the Navy soon enough, but unless you give the following sentences some thought it might not be very clear as to HOW those qualities/experiences are valuable to the Navy. Weave it in a little more and you'll be good to go.

I'd also expand on "This position is remote; I have seen my boss all of three times in real life. He has told me that I am a boon to the company. I believe him." I get what you were going for - punchy and pointed. But I'd get rid of the "I believe him" and enter in a more detailed description of WHY he thinks you're a boon - have you increased sales? Broken into new markets? What results make you a boon? As they say, show it rather than tell it.

Overall, I'd say you have a pretty solid statement on your hands. Those are the only things I felt worth mentioning.
Awesome ; my thanks to you !
 
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